Category: chronic physical pain

Was having a good day…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Was having a good day…

The day started out okay. I got up, checked my email and stuff on my phone and wanted to get a coffee. So I went to Starbucks with my new psych book. I got the new cold brewed coffee with sweet cream. It was very good. I had two doughnuts because I was kind of hungry and today was National Doughnut Day. I read about 12 pages of the book before I couldn’t read anymore. By this time it was close to the next bus leaving for home. I decided to get something at CVS before heading to the bus stop. They had meatballs on sale so I got a bag and figured I would make sauce when I got home. I was feeling pretty good.

I got home and I don’t know what happened. My ankle crapped out on me soon after undressing and getting into my PJs. Forget about making the sauce. I wasn’t going to tax myself seeing that I was already in pain and would have to stand for at least 3 hours while the sauce cooked. I would be sitting down and getting up like every 15-20 minutes but still, it would be a lot of work for a small batch of sauce when my ankle was telling me fuck you.

So I took my pain meds and decided to back up my files on my laptop as I think I need a new cooling fan. My laptop is making a high pitched whine like an airplane taking off when it starts and stops. If I didn’t have to take everything apart to replace it, I would do it myself. But it’s too complicated for me and I rather have a professional do it. Which means, I will be out close to $300 next month to have it fixed. I need to ship it to Dell. I trust their work more than anyone else’s.

I wasn’t really hungry for lunch but felt like I should eat something as I hadn’t had a huge breakfast. So I ordered a pastrami sub and fries. Now I wish I hadn’t. I feel so damn sick because I ate too much at once. I couldn’t stop eating the fries. My stomach is doing flip flops. I just took a Zofran to keep the contents of my stomach in my stomach. I really don’t feel well. I probably should have stay out as I was fine while out and about. It was a nice day today too. Not too hot or cold. The sad part is, I think I will feel better if I do puke. But I hate puking as I am fearful my back will go out on me.

I don’t know why I feel so sick. This is the third day that I have eaten a meal and then felt bloated and nauseated. I hope the Zoloft isn’t to blame for this. Think I will skip tonight’s dose and see how I feel tomorrow.

Rambling Thoughts at 0200

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rambling thoughts at 0200

I just got off the phone with a childhood friend. She is out in California so as usual, she forgets about the time difference. She is funny. I love her so much, but not in anyway other than friendship. We have been friends since the 6th grade.

For some reason, I just can’t sleep tonight, despite taking medication for sleep. I just took an Ativan so I am hoping to be asleep within the hour. I am very tired but restless. My brain keeps firing away with thoughts. I have a huge pile of stuff at the foot of my bed opposite where I sleep that I have to go through so I can change my sheets this weekend. I was going to change my sheets last weekend but my back went out on me. It’s feeling better now, a little bit. Least it was until I had a horrific sneeze that knocked it out again. I think that is part of the reason I am still awake. My back is aching and I just can’t seem to relax to sleep.

While I was talking with my friend, I talked about the death of my father. It brought up memories of that day. I told her it was a terrible thing to see a parent die like that, no matter what your relationship was with him. I told her I have PTSD and that I was in the hospital because I was semi-suicidal. She was concerned a little bit. It was the first time I told her the truth about my depression. I also told her that by the time she sees me in October, I will have my name changed officially and legally. I am really excited about this. I just hope there isn’t a waiting period to have my name changed.

I feel like I am in a holding pattern. I want to sleep but my thoughts are keeping me up. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I am trying to relax and empty my mind but that is easier said than done. Breathing exercises always make me dizzy. I am so sleepy that I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I should do something, like write up the story that I have but I am afraid if I do, I really won’t sleep tonight because I will be filled with memories and it’s wicked late.

Earlier tonight, I was on an app called Reddit. I have no idea what it is or what it does. I responded to a few things and then on the 3rd or 4th thing I was commenting on, the thing timed me out, saying I did too much and you have 7 minutes to reply again. WTH. So I wait the 7 minutes, finished typing my comment, posted it, and then I got out of the app. Stupid thing. I still have no idea what the hell the thing is for or what it is about. If someone that is reading this knows, please enlighten me!

Today is my Uncle Sam’s birthday. He passed away almost ten years ago. I miss him every day. He was a great man. I don’t know if he would have accepted me for who I am but I know that he loved me. If my father is in heaven, I am sure that he is arguing with him right now over something stupid. And my uncle is saying “for crying out loud” and for “christ’s sake”. Those were his famous sayings when he was frazzled.

I hope I get some sleep tonight. It’s going to be a long day if I don’t. I really want to go back to Starbucks later today to try the new Cold Brew coffee they have with vanilla sweet cream. It sounds tasty. I think I can get it free with my Stars reward so I don’t have to pay for it. Then I can read or write. I finally got my new psych book that I want to read to refresh my memory on things. It also has stuff on the DSM V. I am so out of date that I still have books with the DSM III-R. A lot has changed with the DSM. Some things are the same, but I have to relearn everything again. I haven’t bought the DSM V because it’s kind of expensive and I don’t really need it. If I ever become a clinician, I am sure there will be another version of it out.

Speaking of books, I was thinking of getting the Associated Press Stylebook for my editing purposes. It will cost me around $35 for the latest version. I was talking with my writing friend and she says it a good book to have so when I get paid next, it will be the first thing I buy. I am not close to editing my book but it will be nice to read over. I might be able to improve my writing style. I have bought a writing reference book. It’s buried in the pile of shit that is on my bed that I need to clear off to change my sheets. I have at least three books buried there. Every time I clear it, I tell myself not to accumulate stuff again, but I do. It’s gradual and doesn’t happen over night. I will clear it off and get this book. I want to read the section that deals with punctuation, like semi-colons and stuff. I don’t use them because technically, I don’t know if I am using them correctly or not or know really when to use them. I also would like to know how to use the dash. I have seen people use them and it makes me jealous because I don’t know when to use them. I am just a novice writer.

Purpose

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Purpose

Everyone needs a purpose in life. It is what drives us. But sometimes when we are very depressed and feeling worthless, our purpose might not be so clear cut. We often think while depressed, that people will be better off without us, that we don’t matter. This may lead us to become suicidal. And then our true purpose is lost to us. All we think about is death because we have no purpose to go on living. It’s especially precarious after we lost the ones we love due to illness, divorce or if we lost our job. What does it mean to go on after so much loss?

In therapy, therapists often try to give us a life worth living. But what does that mean if we have no purpose for being? It often hurts too much to go on living. Sometimes there are protective factors that keep us here, like family, friends, or children we love and wouldn’t want to hurt with our death. It’s difficult to balance this when you feel so damn low and want to end the pain so badly. It tears at you night and day to go on living in this pain.

My sense of purpose is construed. Others can see that I have one but most times, I don’t see it in myself. It’s hard going on without something to keep me going. I often wonder why I am here. I should be dead three times over, yet I still exist. I am tired of just existing. There is so much I want to do yet I am hindered due to my disabilities. I am often frustrated and suicidal, not a good combo. My depressions are severe and debilitating. My chronic physical pain is as well. I can’t work anymore. I don’t have any friends that are close by that I talk to on a regular basis. I have my online friends, without whom, I think I would feel totally alone, trapped in my room. My therapist and psychiatrist think I am a writer. But since my father’s illness and subsequent death, I have not written much. I had this blog to keep me going, as a challenge to myself to write something every day. Sometimes, I would write two to three times a day. But it’s hard work. Some days it is easier to write than others.

My blog gives me a purpose you can say. I write and get feedback. Most times I don’t but I know the readership is there because I am a stats freak. I watch my numbers go up every day. Sometimes it’s the same blog that gets read several times, and that is ok. My purpose has been fulfilled if it helps someone to understand what it is like living with chronic depression, suicidality, and physical pain.

something about grief and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Something about grief and other things

I have been trying to write for the past three hours and I am failing. I am so overwhelmed with grief that I don’t know what to say. I had therapy today. It went okay. We talked about how Thursdays are tough for me because I had a routine. Now I don’t have it anymore and I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s like I lost something and I can’t get it back. I have been feeling numb the past few hours because I just don’t know what to say. My mind is kind of blank.

My back is a little better today. I was able to stand up straight for the first time in the last five days. It still hurts but I am moving around better because the temps have leveled off. It was starting to get me depressed because I couldn’t move. I have been resting for most of the day. It has helped.

Yesterday, I got an update message on my phone. It needs to update the system software. The last time I allowed it to happen, it wiped out my music playlists. I just got some of them back to where I had them before they were wiped out. I don’t want to recreate them because it’s a pain in the ass. The artist only playlists are easy to restore but the others are a little more tricky. I have to go into the individual artists albums to pick the songs I like and then add them to the playlist. It just takes a lot of time and patience because if you accidently play the song, you have to start all over again.

I am almost done reading “Risk Management with Suicidal Patients”. I have a chapter and a half to read. I don’t know if it is going to be tonight that I will finish it. I am pretty wiped out from all the pain meds I took today for my back pain. I have been taking them consistently every 4-5 hours to deal with the pain. I think that is the other reason I am having trouble writing today. My cognition just isn’t there.

I was talking to a friend today about emotional pain. She can be a little self-righteous and that pisses me off. I usually don’t respond to her texts when she gets that way. Then today she called my therapist a “transgender” therapist and I really got angry for some reason. My therapist isn’t a specialized therapist but I felt that if I set her straight, I was just going to say something I shouldn’t so I just let it go. She started off the conversation with asking about Hyde. I don’t know if I should continue to talk to her. Sometimes she just doesn’t make sense.

I think tomorrow I am going to type up what I wrote in the hospital. I really don’t want it to be all on paper because if I continue to write and finish the story, the harder it’s going to be to type it up anyways. This is all if I am feeling up to it. My therapist says it will be good to talk about it and write it. She asked how much more I have to write and I told her I am in just in the first hour of him being home. I haven’t written about the part where he hears his stupid clock. What I can’t remember is what time the hospice nurse left. It was like she left, my sister came back to the apartment with diapers and food, we ate, and then he died. I don’t know why this detail is important to me. Maybe I feel like if she was there he wouldn’t have died? Or maybe she would have been there and then we would have had a more concrete time of death. These are the things that I keep going over and over in my head.

Monday I will be getting the stuff I ordered from Amazon. It seems like I ordered them weeks ago and now they are finally being shipped. I bought a food processor because there is this cranberry relish I want to make. Of all the gadgets my mother has in the kitchen, she doesn’t own a food processor. I need to get a new can opener because the one she has sucks really bad. We had a good one but it broke. I loved it because it was the first electric can opener I could use without fail. Now we have a cheap one and I can’t get it to work at all. I am also going to get a hand one just as a back up.