Category: chronic physical pain

23-Dec-2015 Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I really hate when I start writing something and get the annoying bladder urges that tell me “go now or you’ll regret it”. Now I lost my train of thought and can’t go back to my writing. It was about the chronic pain guidelines the CDC is proposing. I will post the blog soon as my thoughts return to it.

I saw my therapist today. She gave me coffee from Hawaii, three different roasts. I hope that it is suitable for my French press or I won’t be able to use it. I hope it’s good as I never had Kona coffee before. I heard it is from my friends that visited there.

I am very hungry as I didn’t have any lunch and it’s almost dinner time. I was going to hit the McDonald’s on the way home but I wasn’t going that way due to traffic concerns. I took the highway home and I made it back with a half hour to spare. It’s good that I didn’t stop anywhere or I would be late returning the Zipcar and they don’t like that.

I am wicked congested today for some reason. I woke up with severe Post Nasal Drip that was gagging me.  I also have been coughing the stuff up. Not a good start to my morning. After I reserved the car, I left for Starbucks. Time seemed to fly by because the next thing I knew it was time to pick up the car. I hit every red light between my town and my therapist’s office. I was so annoyed. I listened to country music on the way there. Nothing new interested me and I so wanted to listen to Eric Church and the rest of my music. I was so in the mood to listen to Taylor’s Love Story song. I am playing it now. The radio played her song Back to December which I also like but not as much as Love Story. I have to remember to bring the auxiliary cable with me the next time I reserve a Zipcar.

Therapy went well. My therapist was happy to see me. She gave me a nice Birthday card. I like having them around on my bad days. I keep them in a safe place so I know where they are. Not the safe place that you forget, it’s usually on my night stand. I have to get a box for them and other sentimental things. Then I will really have a “Hope Box”.

I told her how my appointment with my neurosurgeon went. I didn’t tell her about the fusion part. It’s too early to tell and we won’t know anything until the MRI. I told her that I have to keep myself hydrated. She asked how I was fearing with the news. I think she was more anxious than I was. I just shrugged it off. I am already a nervous wreck just think about it and fear that if I talk about it, it will just get worse. So I didn’t talk.

I realized today that I forgot to email my psychiatrist so I did that. She responded with questions, some of them having to do with my writing. UGH, I can’t escape these two and my writing abilities. I don’t know if they realize the unwanted pressure it puts on me. It further makes me feel guilty when I don’t write. I don’t know why I feel that way. I guess it’s because, like I said before, I have so much time on my hands and I am not using it wisely. I try to have time aside for my blog but that is all. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t.

Therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Therapy

I had therapy today and my therapist was more anxious than I was in the upcoming events, specifically my neurosurg appointment and my birthday. Tomorrow I was planning on seeing her but I don’t know if I can stand the hour and a half drive with my leg hurting me so much. I might take the highway as it is quicker but it always gives me anxiety because I had a couple of breakdowns on it. I know it’s not my car and the car I will be driving will be in good condition, unlike my previous times, but I still have PTSD when driving on that road. And it will be raining tomorrow. I hate driving in the rain. But it will be my last chance to see her before the holidays and I really want to get away for a little bit.

If you read my previous blog, my neurosurg appointment went like I thought it would go. Nothing happened because he didn’t have new images to see what my back is doing. He ordered an MRI and his secretary will call me sometime tomorrow to set it up. He said that it can take six weeks for a herniation to repair itself but I was getting close to that mark and I don’t feel any better. He gave me a couple of options if I have a herniation or a reherniation at the same level. I am holding off on exploring those option until I get the MRI results.

My therapist was more anxious about this appointment and wanted me to take some Ativan. I didn’t take the Ativan as I wasn’t really nervous. If I see her tomorrow, maybe I will give her a couple. She was so high strung today and I don’t know why. She asked me how my Sunday went. It was the day I was planning on ending my life. I know I read a lot that day to keep my mind busy. We also talked about my current reading selection, “Explorations in Personality” by Henry Murray. He is the guy that Dr. Shneidman quotes from all the time whenever he talks about frustrated needs. I tried to find that chapter that deals with it but I didn’t. It’s probably in the bowels of the book. It’s an old book first printed in 1938. I have the 2nd edition that was printed in 1947. The book is in pretty good shape so it shouldn’t fall apart as I read it. She asked me why I chose this book and I said I wanted a psychology book as I was bored with history and fiction.

We also talked about my father a little bit. I hate talking about him but he always ends up being brought up. She knows I see him every week and dislikes this. But someone has to do his meds. I just do it and then leave most of the time. I wish she would get it through her thick skull that this is the way that it is and there is no getting around it. We talked about a day in January that I won’t be able to keep our time because my father has a doc appointment that day. The doc is always late so I know that even though the appointment is an hour and a half from my time, I still won’t be out of there to talk. She said to remind her in the upcoming weeks so we can reschedule.

She brought up whether or not I had been writing. I hate when she brings it up because the answer is usually a no or just a little. I am never going to get my second book done as I am just taking too much time not working on it. I tried working on one of the stories the other day and it just didn’t get to far. I wanted the word count up but I just couldn’t think of anything more to say. It’s already over 1300 words. I would like for it to get to 2000 but that is pushing it. It pains me when she asks about my writing and I say nothing because I know I should be writing more. Thing is, I don’t have any ideas to propel me to write. And being in pain hasn’t helped because taking pain medication always makes my mind dull. You would think that with all this time on my hands, I’d be a writing machine but I’m not. Unfortunately, I get most of my ideas late at night and I have to write them out then which means losing sleep or writing in a drug induced state as I have already taken my night meds. It doesn’t happen often enough and every writer says to just write. I got the stories in there, I just need to give them a voice. But it’s not as easy as it sounds. Then I feel like a loser because I didn’t write anything for that day or I didn’t work on my story. I will have to bring this up to her again because it just pains me when she brings it up.

 

fears still there

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, mood disorders

Well the fear of seeing the surgeon is over. Now the fear of the MRI is back on. Tomorrow the secretary will call me with an appointment. I am going to try and hydrate myself between now and then so that my veins are “lovely”. I’ve had the runs today so I think drinking fluids will be a good thing. I was taking fiber but I don’t know what happened. Too much I guess.

I am really tired and sore from all the walking and standing I did today. I had therapy but my therapist was more nervous about things than I was. I hate when she gets like that.

I’ll write more later.

Fearing the Worst

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fearing the Worst

I had taken some Nyquil a couple of hours ago to try and get to sleep. Pain is preventing this from happening as every time I move, my thigh goes berserk. Now my inner thigh is feeling like it’s on fire. This isn’t good. I am glad I am seeing the neurosurgeon tomorrow but I fear that without new images, the appointment is going to be useless. All he can do is nod his head in agreement and then say I need a new MRI stat. I am feeling more nervous as the more time is wasted, the more nerve damage I could be having. I didn’t do anything today except write down an outline and print off a few articles on this new paper I plan on writing. I tried writing it today but I couldn’t think of a beginning sentence so just wrote an outline. I thought the articles would help, but all it did was lead me to more stuff to outline. Very frustrating to me. I usually am able to write off the bat but today it was difficult, probably because I am in too much pain. Word to the wise, never take Nyquil unless you really want to sleep. I have been fighting it for the last few hours and literally feel sick to my stomach. I want to sleep but this pain anxiety is keeping me from it. It’s awful!

I tried to get in touch with my friend that is in the hospital but just got the busy signal. I will see him tomorrow. I heard he is supposed to be in till Christmas Eve. I am glad he is not spending Christmas in the hospital. That would be terrible.

Another reason I can’t sleep is because my sister and mother are having a yelling competition. My mother is deaf and so my sister has to yell for my mother to hear her. It’s going through my head like nails on chalkboard. I am just very grumpy because I am so worried about what is going on with my leg and that I am in pain. I wish my sister would leave so the house could be quiet again. Maybe then I can finally go to sleep.

I have been swearing on Twitter and Facebook and in real life but that doesn’t seem to be helping my pain. They say that if you are in pain and swear, it will help ease it. I should be pain free as anything if that were the case. Liars. I hate being in this much pain. I haven’t been in this much pain since my surgery 9 years ago. I fear the worst is happening. I really wish I saw my PCP the week before I was to see him last. I know he would have ordered the MRI and I wouldn’t be having this worry right now about what is going on. Fucking doctors, always chicken to do the right thing. They never think how the patient with PTSD feels when this is happening to them again. I just hope my neurosurgeon understands and wants to help me with this. Otherwise, I am up the creek without a paddle. I am so frustrated. Why do docs always have to wait for the worst to happen before they take action? So pisses me off.

I think my next reading adventure is going to be an old psychology book. And by old, I really mean it. The book was published in 1938. I just hope it doesn’t fall apart as I read it. I was going to read some of my other books but I am tired of reading history and fiction. I want to read something else. I figure psychology is the way to go. I also was pondering on a writing book called “Writing Tools” and I might switch to that if the 1938 book is too dry. I still plan on finishing the American Gods, even though it freaks me out some. I am half way through it so I might as well finish it.