Category: chronic physical pain

Dealing with Pain, or lack there of

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Dealing with Pain, or lack there of

I woke up this morning with my leg bothering me. I thought the pain would subside if I got out of bed. I was able to shower today and help my sister prepare Christmas dinner. It proved to be too much for me. I am now in excruciating pain and almost in tears. I went up to my room to take a pain pill and then went back down. I thought by the time I reached the last step my leg was going to give the final fuck you and let me fall. I was just in a lot of pain. I couldn’t stand and I couldn’t sit. As I am typing this, it’s the only thing that position that I am really comfortable. I am going to go to sleep soon as the pain meds kick in.

I wanted to watch a TV show tonight but it doesn’t look like that is going to happen. I usually watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” but I don’t know where the DVD is. I have to order a new one. I also need to order another Titanic DVD because I am missing disc 2. Granted I like the part 1 better than the sinking of the ship but it would be nice to see the whole movie rather than just the first half. I think I will just watch Home Alone. I could use a comedy.

Waking up in pain is no fun. It sort of ruins your whole day. If I wasn’t feeling so restless, I would probably be sleeping. I did have a big meal. I really tried to make Christmas this year but it always seems I am in pain or am sick. Last year I had a nasty cold. It would be preferable to this pain that I am having. At least I know the cold will go away. I am not so sure about this pain. This pain I have been having since before Thanksgiving. I thought it was nothing but it turned out to be something. I am currently waiting for an MRI to find out what it is. I might be facing surgery again. It’s something that I am dreading.

There is no guarantee that surgery will fix this. But I know there is something wrong with me. This pain shouldn’t be happening unless there is something wrong. And with it brings my anxiety up a few notches, making my PTSD symptoms worse. I am in constant vigilant mode, always on edge. It’s awful to be in this state. And waiting for this MRI is not helping matters. The secretary was supposed to call me Wednesday and I haven’t heard anything. I kind of want to call the office and see what the hold up is. I hope it’s not my insurance. My father gets his CT scans all the time and doesn’t have any problems. We both have the same insurance. This waiting is just killing me because the longer I wait the longer I suffer, both mentally and physically.

I am so tired of dealing with pain every day and now to have this leg pain that makes walking and going up and down stairs difficult is just torture. I can usually tolerate a lot of pain but I am almost burnt out at this point because there has been no relief. I am usually in pain with my ankle/foot. But my leg pain is worse than my ankle. I just have low tolerance these days because I get no relief. I can take pain meds for my ankle/foot and it works but the new pain doesn’t want to settle down with it. I am again thinking of ending my life because I can’t deal. And that isn’t a good place to be.

Christmas 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Christmas 2015

Merry Christmas to all my readers!!

I woke up to a bad dream where I thought my mother had fallen. I rushed to her room, half asleep, to find her okay. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep because of the adrenaline rush. When I did wake up, I had a migraine. I took some meds and then a shower. That helped. I texted my friends and family Merry Christmas and surprisingly got a text from my BFF from childhood. It was good to hear from him.

Christmas will be at my sister’s house this year. I am happy about that. I can stay in PJs and just go downstairs. My leg is already giving me trouble and I really just want to stay close to home as possible. Just taking the shower exhausted me.

It’s still warm and to my surprise, my mother has the back door open. It’s good to have fresh air in the house. This has to be the warmest Christmas on record. I hope tonight, after dinner and all, I can watch “Coat of Many Colors”. It’s about Dolly Parton and my favorite country singer plays her mom. It got such rave reviews that they are re-airing it on Christmas. I wish I could record it but my TiVo is still dead. I tried reviving it while waiting for my Chinese food to arrive yesterday and no luck. It just won’t boot up. I will try and get a new one some time next year. I just feel bad because I won’t be able to watch my shows until I get a new one. I will have to watch them in real time and I hate commercials. It’s lovely to watch an hour program in 40-45 mins.

I placed my grocery order last night but I missed the sale for my powerade so paid regular price, again. I can never catch it when it’s on sale. Delivery will be Sunday as Saturday was a holiday. Maybe Stop and Shop celebrates Boxing Day.

Christmas Eve 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Christmas Eve 2015

Traditionally, Italians celebrate Christmas on the Eve and then rest on Christmas Day. We have the seven fishes. I am not a fish person and I don’t celebrate. I am spending the Eve watching TV and had one margarita that was one too many. I also had Chinese food that was okay. I have had better. I am disappointed that I can’t get decent Chinese food in my area.

I had a day of running around, quite literally. I left my house early and did a few errands before going to my father’s house. I was tired by the time I got to his house. I had to pick up his meds and decided to buy PF Chang’s frozen dinner entrée so I wouldn’t have to order out. But after all was said and done, I was too tired to cook. I came home and my ankle/foot wanted a divorce from me. I was in a lot of pain and my foot was swollen. I took some pain meds, which is probably why the alcohol really got to me. I am a lightweight anyway, doesn’t take much to make me feel buzzed. I had like a quarter of a glass of the Margarita stuff. It’s only 1900 and I am ready for bed already.

I am so tired of being in pain. I wanted to get gift cards for my family as presents for tomorrow but I was too wiped out and in pain to go to Walgreens. I thought I would later when and if my foot/ankle settled down. I should have gone before having the alcohol. OOPS. So it will be another year where I don’t get anything for my family. If I can, tomorrow I will at least get a money card for my father. If I don’t give him anything, he will be pissed. Got to satisfy the narcissistic ego. I should have bought him a gift a card at the grocery store, now that I think of it. But I was already weary and just wanted to go home.

Pain takes so much out of me. I really can’t do anything for too long anymore. I can’t stand or walk without severe pain so that kind of hinders things. I wanted to dust my ceiling fan as the dust is accumulating. I think it’s been a year since I dusted it last. I just can’t stand long enough to do it.

The temps in Boston reached at least 70 today. Despite it being warm outside, the house felt cold. I still wore shorts and a T-shirt. My back is going to kill me come next week when the temp drops. We are supposedly having snow starting on Tuesday.

My mood kind of sucks. I feel like I should be sleeping and I think I will be going to bed soon. I hope my family doesn’t wake me up early tomorrow. I really just want to sleep in, if possible. I had a crappy sleep last night as I kept on waking up every fricken hour. I was afraid that I would sleep late and I wouldn’t do what I needed to do today. All is done and now I am going to read the creepy American Gods book and then sleep, I hope.

CDC and Chronic Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, suicide

“I invite chronic pain patients who rely on medications & are still alive, to offer their expertise to the public conversation.”
Terri A. Lewis, PhD

This statement just rubbed me the wrong way. In fact, it infuriated me because there are so many people taking their lives because they DO NOT get medications due to the opioid policies some doctors have. The CDC is proposing that primary care doctors PCP’s no longer prescribe narcotics for their patients. I haven’t read the report but it was stopped only because a lawsuit was threatened if it was published. The guidelines were written by people that had NOTHING to do with chronic pain. Therefore, it didn’t make sense for them to have these guidelines. I would write to them but I fear that if I do, I will be prosecuted for my actions down the line. Call me paranoid. I only take 4-6 pills a day and if that were cut, so would my life.

The statement also implies that taking these medications is a death sentence waiting to happen. This isn’t true. There are plenty of people who SAFELY take these medications daily and are still alive. Yes, there are some that do NOT because they go to different doctors and the combination of other opioids makes them sick. My ex’s neighbor died from an overdose because of this. Had one doctor been prescribing, her friend might have lived a little longer. She was terminally ill with something other than cancer. Obviously, she is the one that is “not alive” to come forward about these supposed guidelines.

If Primary care docs can no longer prescribe these medications, where are chronic pain patients supposed to go? “Pain clinics” only want to experiment and give injections, usually because it’s more money than writing a script. I have seen two pain doctors and they both didn’t want to take over the pain management I was under. They just offered invasive procedures and when I refused, I no longer was a part of their care. I’m sorry but there is no research to support that the injections would benefit me. I wish I kept the report that contradicted the injections. There was an article a few years ago that said that it was more dangerous to have them than not. I am not going to risk have something called arachnoiditis for the sake of a pain clinic writing a script for my pain meds, when the pain meds already work for me.

I need to have my primary care doctor continuing to prescribe me these medications. It’s safer and easier than seeing a specialist. The meds help me to function better, though I rarely take them when I am outside the house. They make me too drowsy to get on the bus and train. So I suffer through my pain to get to where I need to go. Taking my four tablets a day is not killing me. It’s keeping me alive enough to see another day. Because without them, I would seriously end my life. And I don’t think the CDC wants that.