Category: depression

saturday blog 11122021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Saturday Blog 11122021

My med alarm went off and I shut if off but didn’t take my meds. I went back to sleep. I got up around 12 and took them. Then I made something to eat and had two cups of coffee. I am really tired today and my legs feel like lead. It’s raining so I won’t be going to the grocery store. My brother in law bought the milk for us and then my mother asked where the eggs were. She didn’t tell me to get eggs.

I sent a text to my BFFL and he responded. He told me he is on meds and my heart broke. It is killing me seeing him hurt this much. We are going to try and get together next week. I hope it happens. I haven’t seen him since my father’s wake. It will be good to see him again, maybe even see his kid. He called me and we talked. I miss him so much.

I need to shower. It has been almost a week since I last took one. I am afraid to take one when I am this tired because I tend to get out of breath easily. It takes so much effort to shower. People don’t realize it until they are sick. I used to tell my psych all the time how much energy it took for me to get ready and she didn’t really believe me until she was recovering from a broken hip.

I have to set an alarm today for cathing because I have no urge to go. Yesterday I was going like every 2 to 3 hours. Sometimes I had to void because I had a strong urge to go. Just sucks that every day is different than the day before. I have been having bladder pain the past few days and I am trying really hard to resist the urge to check my urine for infection again.

Gonna go take a shower and wear my new PJs and Red Sox shirt. I don’t have to bother shaving because I am letting my hair grow out, least until I get it cut again.

fatigue continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Fatigue continues

I had a difficult night sleeping. I had a bad dream where my molester was at my house and I was accusing him of abuse, which he denied. Then he got so mad he tried to kill me. I woke up very scared and it took me a while to get back to sleep. I then had to pee and I must have been holding on to the pee longer than I thought because then my abdomen started hurting after I was empty. I managed to go back to sleep and slept till a little after 8. I used the bathroom again and it was the same thing. I was very full and my bladder hurt when I was empty. I didn’t drink that much during the time I was awake. I was careful not to. I took my morning meds when I came back to my room and then went back to sleep again. I woke up a little after 12 and I was so damn tired. I wanted to go to the grocery store to exchange a coffee but I fear the trip will wear me out too much so I don’t want to go.

I also have been having frozen moments where I feel like I can’t move. Like I am stuck. I don’t know if it a symptom of PTSD or a side effect of the medication I take. I got to talk to my psychiatrist about it when I see him on Tues. I also need to ask him if he would give me a 90 day supply of the Latuda as it is the most expensive medication that I take and it will a lot when I have to pay again next year. I got to budget my meds until I reach $300 deductible. I have six meds that I get at the retail pharmacy. The rest are mail order. If I can get the Latuda on mail order that would be good because it is $140 for 90 days.

I took a double dose of Miralax today because it has been days since I moved my bowels. I am getting so backed up. When I got up, I had two cups of coffee and sometimes that triggers me to go to the bathroom but lately it hasn’t done it. I will double dose until I go and then go back to regular dosing. I take this with Gatorade and it just seems like the stuff takes away the flavor and just leaves the sugary taste behind. That is all that I feel like I am drinking, sugar.

Usually after every shower, I take a selfie and post it. I do this so there is a record of when I last showered as I usually don’t remember. It has been five days since I last took one so I might end up taking one tonight before bed. I stopped shaving the back of my head and sides so I am just going to let it grow. Yesterday I was going to see my barber but I used the money to get the keys to the house as my mother didn’t have the full amount to pay for them. I canceled my appointment but will go sometime next week.

Shoulder is really hurting so when I went downstairs to put my dinner in the oven, I heated up the heat pack. It helped a little bit but caused my neck to hurt. So now when I go back downstairs, I need to put heat on my neck. I am making a beef pot pie for dinner and hope I don’t burn myself again. I have not had luck with these pies. The first one, I got a 2nd degree burn and the last one I made, I burned my finger. Think I got to wear oven mitts when taking the pie out of the oven and when I transfer it to a plate.

PT and feeling tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I woke up at 530 to pee but didn’t want to get up. Half hour later it was get up or wet the bed. I got up. I stayed up as I had to be up for PT. I had coffee and a piece of pumpkin pie for breakfast. Then I had another cup of coffee. It gave me the energy I needed to get myself ready. It was freezing out and there was snow on the ground. Not that much but I wore my boots anyway.

PT messaged the muscles on my side and back. All the muscles were tight and painful. She got the muscles in between my ribs and that hurt a lot. She gave me some new exercises for my shoulder and told me to use a tennis ball for my back muscles.

After PT, I went to the next town over from where i live to go to the locksmith to make some keys for the new screen door we have. I made an extra one for me as i have two sets of keys. I then caught the train to the Square. I had 20 mins till the next bus home. I wanted the new sugar cookie latte but they were out at the location. I was already feeling tired so I just waited for the bus as I listened to Taylor. I am still listening to Red Taylor’s version.

I came home and had a bowl of cereal to eat. I was hungry. I thought of making another cup of coffee but I didn’t feel like it. I was supposed to go into town to get my blood drawn but I canceled. I was hurting and too tired to go anywhere. I tried taking a nap but my foot kept cramping on me. My shoulder was throbbing so bad I decided to take a BT med for it. The ibuprofen I took wasn’t helping me today.

groceries and more groceries

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Groceries and more groceries

I had my groceries delivered today. I ordered a lot of Gatorade and Powerade to last me for the month. Every month my mother asks me why I buy so much and I tell her it is my monthly supply. I brought up all the bags except for my cereal. I totally forgot they were there until I came home from the pharmacy and saw them there. There are like ~7 bags left to bring up to my room. I have been doing it by myself, which is taking me some time because I have to take breaks. My arm is so damn sore but it is a good sore not a bad one.

I sent my therapist a message last night about how I was suicidal but I was too tired to kill myself. I said I was pathetic. She responded and said that I wasn’t pathetic. I need to address the pain. I asked how and she said by talking about it and using coping skills. I hate coping skills. It is just this broad umbrella of things. It is like saying you need a screwdriver for the screw you want to tighten but you have so many damn screwdrivers you don’t know which one to use. It is really frustrating. And when you are already upset and looking for something to soothe you, you want something right now that will work not something that will frustrate you more.

I ordered my glasses and will file a claim with my insurance company so I can get reimbursed. Hope it isn’t a hassle. I have not done this before. They should be shipping out soon. I just hope the frames fit me. I ordered a small so we’ll see. Friday I need to start the process of changing my bedding because I spilled Gatorade on my blanket and sheets last night. I grabbed the bottle a little too tightly and it spilled. Most of it got on me so I had to change my shirt.

I am in a lot of pain with my shoulder because of lifting all the bottles of Gatorade and Powerade I bought. I don’t think I can lift the remaining bags tonight. I still haven’t changed back into my PJs from when I left for the pharmacy. I might keep on the thermal socks. It is supposed to snow tonight. I hope all the snowing happens tonight and not in the morning. We aren’t supposed to get that much, only an inch or so but walking in it can be yucky. I rescheduled my appointment with my PT for tomorrow morning. I hope I sleep tonight or getting up is going to be difficult. I also scheduled an appointment with OT for January. I thought it was for pelvic floor but it is for cathing. It is with the same OT I saw last year.

I think I am going to have to double dose the Miralax as the new meds are really constipating me. And because I mostly stand when I cath, I am not using the same muscles to poop. I was able to crap a little today but it wasn’t enough. My stomach feels so awful.

I have three updates and need to restart my laptop. I just installed Win 11. It is okay so far. All my programs seem to be running okay. Tomorrow in between appointments I will be going to see a locksmith about getting some keys made for the screen door that was just put on. It is an odd shaped key so I hope they can do it. I don’t know who else will be able to do it.