Category: depression

Weird Therapy Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Weird therapy day

I am not having a good day. I woke up in the early morning hours in pain and then woke up an hour after I fell asleep. I just can’t get this pain under control. My mother decided to call me when I was just waking up and I didn’t want to talk to her so let it go to voicemail. I waited a little bit before going downstairs as I wasn’t completely woken up. When I did see her, she berated me for not answering the phone, like it was some emergency. She wanted me to let the gas man in the house to fix the meters. No can do as I have my therapy appointment. She wanted to go shopping. Tough shit.

I tried to have therapy today but my therapist’s phone just wasn’t cooperating. So we had the session via text message as that seemed to be the only thing her phone could do. So half the session was via talk and the rest via text. Interesting. We didn’t get much accomplished as you can imagine, though my therapist is a fast typer, faster than me. She still wants me to try and find someone face to face. I gave her the number for the center I found in my area that might be able to help me. I am not calling. I can’t stand the thought of being turned down or told to be put on a waiting list for months.

I told my therapist I was depressed. I am not eating, I don’t care about anything, and I have no energy. I am just so tired. And trying to find a new therapist in the mix of this is just dragging me down. I see my pdoc tomorrow and she wants me to tell her what I am feeling. I don’t know why I should bother. It’s not like she is going to help. I am getting a headache just thinking about it. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up, ever. I have to get up early tomorrow (which shouldn’t be a problem as I am up anyways) to get to this appointment with my pdoc. I really don’t want to go. I will just be wasting her time, like I am wasting my therapist’s time. I don’t know how they can stand me.

I told my therapist about Jack and Hyde and unfortunately, the phone cut out so I have no idea what she was saying. It was a very stressful session. I think she is going to get a new phone, least I hope she does. I understand why she doesn’t want to get a new phone but this has got to be a reason for getting a new one. I had to get a new phone because my phone was just not working anymore. And if the phone just doesn’t work anymore, what the hell is the point of using the device??

I am in a lot of pain today. The weather warmed up by twenty degrees. I am aching all over. But because I haven’t eaten anything substantial, I can’t take my NSAID pill. I have to have a full meal, not a small bag of popcorn. I just don’t want to make anything. I doubt I could because the gas people are working on the meters so I don’t think I can use the stove. I am so depressed, I don’t care. I just took some pain meds and an Ativan to get back to sleep. If my mother needs help with the damn groceries, I am going to be in dreamland. I just hope I don’t wake up, though I probably will. I didn’t take more than what is prescribed to me. Though I do feel like it. I really can’t because I don’t want to lose the trust of my doctors. That means a lot to me. I still haven’t figured out what I am going to say to my pdoc tomorrow. I know she will want some more information about my therapist and I just hope I don’t break down and cry. That is my biggest fear.

Other than writing this blog, I don’t have anything else I need to do today. I still need to find a quote for tomorrow’s “Quote of the Day”. It’s getting harder to find because the book is almost finished. I might have to start looking into his other books. I am finding it fun to have this type of blog. Once I have exhausted Dr. Shneidman’s works, I suppose I could go to Kay Redfield Jamison. She has a lot of quotes.

Depressing Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Depressing Monday

I have been feeling pretty down all day. I woke up early, before 0630. I took some meds and then made breakfast. I went back to sleep because the meds made me sleepy. When I woke up a few hours later, I got some energy to go to Starbucks with the hope of working on the short story that I wrote a few weeks ago. No such luck. It was a story about how my therapist and pdoc are the roots of my tree. Now that my therapist and I are having problems and might separate, I no longer have an interest in writing about it. I have thought about writing about the difficulties of keeping the roots together and how they can irritate me, but like I said, I am finding it hard to concentrate on it. I just look at the blank page and nothing comes to mind. I think I need to print out the copy of the story so I can work on the beginning of it before I get to the difficulties part.

I sprayed my room with Renuzit before I left for Starbucks and I think I am allergic to the scent. I haven’t stopped sneezing since coming in my room. Oi. I have used the spray before so I don’t know why I am sneezing like a lunatic right now. It is cold so I don’t have the ceiling fan running. That’s probably why the scent is bothering me so much.

Last night, I was being triggered by my foot/ankle pain. I was having intrusive memories of my surgeries and being in the hospital recovering from them. It gave me such anxiety that I had to take two Ativan to calm down. Then Hyde and Jack (my mean alter) wanted me dead. I texted my therapist asking if there was an opening in her schedule to let me know. She texted me back saying she didn’t have an opening and I don’t think she will be calling to check in with me either. Hyde usually comes out when I am depressed and in pain. But Jack coming out is unusual. He is one that is attached to my therapist and my anger for her. I can’t explain it more than that. The anger piece goes deeper than my therapist. I don’t express my anger very well and I think Jack is the holder of it. He came out during a letter I wrote to my therapist earlier this year and it shocked me. I thought I only had Hyde to contend with. My pdoc wanted to call him Jekyll but I nor he liked it much. So we settled on Jack.

I usually don’t get triggered with PTSD when I am in pain, unless it is severe. I think I am more vulnerable this month because it is an anniversary month. And it was more than my foot/ankle that was hurting. My leg felt like it had a tourniquet on it and that is always a trigger for me. I tried distraction and ignoring the pain, but I was still very anxious and nervous. Then the memories started and I just wanted to die. Hyde and Jack came out and I knew I was in trouble. I really think I should be dead. I don’t want to work on anything in therapy, nor do I care if my therapist drops me at this point. I really don’t care about anything. I feel wicked empty, like I have no organs or anything inside of me. My reality testing proves this wrong when I breathe. It’s such an odd sensation. I haven’t felt empty in a very long time. I guess that is part of this depressive episode I am going through. I am also tired all the time, no matter how much sleep I get. Lately I have been getting around 5 hours straight and then a few hours in the morning between 8 and 11. It’s rare for me to sleep later than 7. Even if I go to bed at 3 I am up around 0630.

Been listening to Luke Bryan all day. There is just something about his music that somewhat puts me in a better mood. Unfortunately, it’s not happening today. Nothing seems to break through this dark cloud that is following me. I wanted to get my AC out of the window tonight but I can’t even bring myself to text my brother in law to ask him. I just feel like I am asking too much or that I will be bothering him. I can’t stand this state that I am in. I know that he will take it out for me. I just have to move two things to give him access to the window but I can’t bring myself to get the energy to do so. The temp is going to drop tonight and it’s already cold in my room. I know it’s cold because in addition to my comforter on my bed, I have my fleece throw blanket on. And I am not hot. I am just so depressed, I can’t get motivated to do the things I need to do. I certainly can’t take the AC out by myself. I might drop it or it might fall out of the window. I am not good at that stuff plus I can’t lift anything heavy any way because of my back issues. It will get out this week. I just don’t know when.

Sunday Blog 8

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Sunday Blog 8

I had a bad night of sleeping. My leg was hurting pretty bad because I wore dress socks to the wedding. Even after I took them off, it felt like it was still on because of the nerve pain. I then became anxious because that type of feeling always triggers me. I didn’t go to sleep till well after midnight. I woke up a few hours later to pee and then I was up for a little bit. I just got up now to use the bathroom and then kind of decide what to have for my breakfast/lunch. I really wanted to have a fried egg but didn’t feel like making it. So I opted for toast and making some hash brown tater tots. That was all I felt like eating, for right now.

I am still feeling lousy. My leg is going to take a couple of days to recover. Mentally, I am still anxious. When I woke up and was watching the football game, I had some strong urges to kill myself. I just didn’t want to live anymore. I just don’t see the point. I am so tired of being in pain all the time and worrying whether I will get CES yet again that it’s driving me crazy. I’m afraid to sneeze or cough for fear of taking out my back. I am scared of falling because my balance isn’t so great. But mostly it is because I am tired of being in pain all the time.

My experiment last night with switching up my night meds didn’t work. I took my night meds when I woke up this afternoon and now I am sleepy. I guess all the meds taken together make me hyper but when you separate them, it doesn’t have the same effect. Go figure.

Last night as I was trying to distract myself from the PTSD symptoms, I was trying to figure out why my laptop was so slow in downloads and stuff when it came to videos and GIFs. Even with the Ethernet connection I didn’t have speeds like I thought I would. I cleared the browsing history several times and still could not watch a GIF of the OSU game. I didn’t watch it last night because I was in a lot of pain. I got the tweets and the updates from my college football app. For some reason, ESPN didn’t want to load for me last night. I don’t know why I am having such a problem with internet connection. If it’s simple, like Twitter, it’s easy to load. But even Facebook has its problems, sometimes. I don’t know if it’s my laptop or the net connection. When I bring it to Dell for fixing my screen, I will have them take a look at it. Maybe it is a connectivity issue.

I really hope that my older laptop is useable. I just need a quick internet connection to post my blogs and word to work. I would type my blogs on my phone but sometimes my phone likes to change words to what it thinks. Like I had typed “limp” it changed it to “lump”. Luckily, I caught it.

I missed BPD Chat this evening because I was sleeping. I would still be sleeping if my sister hadn’t started yelling if anyone was home. It took me a few minutes to get oriented and then my bladder had to be relieved. I really didn’t want to go downstairs. I was nice and comfy in my warm bed. Temp has dropped to below 40 degrees now and some parts of town, there is snow. That wasn’t in the forecast. Neither was being below 40 degrees. Weathermen! Can’t trust any of them.

Wedding Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Wedding Saturday

I went to my neighbors wedding this afternoon. It was good though I really didn’t hear the ceremony too well. You really had to concentrate to listen. No mic was used as it was such a small gathering. The party that ensued went well. Music gave me a headache. It was really loud. Before they started to play the dance music, it was awful. It was music I never heard of before but I am sure had some meaning to the couple. I didn’t dance because by the time dinner was finished, my ankle decided it was going to hurt. The sock on my leg was cutting into me because of swelling and now, even though I have the sock off, I am still feeling the pressure. My leg swells if left down for more than a couple of hours. This is why it makes it hard watching baseball games from 1st to 9th innings.

I had a good time. It was a break in the routine but by the time five o’clock rolled around, I was ready to go home and call it a night. But the DJ kept playing songs and people kept dancing. It was that kind of party. Even after they played the last song of the night an hour later, the DJ kept playing music. It was funny.

If I wasn’t in so much pain, I would watch the OSU game. My Huskers won. I was worried as they were leading in the first half and usually have problems in the second. But they won the game 48-25.

I got the best news today. Jobes is now on Twitter. I don’t know if he is managing the account or one of his students, but his lab is on Twitter! I am so glad he finally joined. I sent him a welcome tweet.

I have been thinking about my therapist. It amazes me that she will sign up for other psych areas for her CEUs and such but won’t take a suicide seminar or even train for CAMS. CAMS is just four hours and I am sure they don’t have you do it in one session. But then the seminars during workshops are like eight hours. It’s intense but you get the gist of the material. Those are made for CEUs and training. I learned a lot from working with the workshops. But I can’t imagine it’s different than learning about stuff about PTSD or any other psych disorder. I just think it might help her out in treating me but she doesn’t want to go there with a ten inch pole. She was more receptive to the psychache scale than the SSF. I can bring the horse to water but I can’t make him drink. That is what I feel this therapy is all about, on both sides. We both take what we want from the other. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to start over. I just want her to be a therapist to me again rather than someone that talks all the time. I don’t think that is too much to ask.

I have no idea what the outcome of the Jays/Royals game was. Last I heard they were tied. I am only rooting for the Jays because the Royals out voted X for the All Star Game. For the National League, I am rooting for the Mets because fuck Maddon and Theo. If they weren’t in charge, I would be rooting for the Cubbies. They deserve a WS win. It’s been more than 100 years since they won a championship game. But I just can’t root for a team with Maddon. I hate the fucker. He cheats somehow and is very sneaky. I have no proof of this but my gut tells me this so I believe it.