Category: depression

Books and writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Books and writing

I had to drop some stuff off at my aunt’s as my mother was there and it was stuff that she needed. My aunt knows that I wrote a book last year. I doubt she has bought it or read it. It sold about 100 copies, which was my goal. Course her family thought that I should be a millionaire because I have a book sold. Things don’t work that way, sad to say.

As I was getting to leave, she stopped me to talk about the book she wants to write. I did all I could not to laugh and not roll my eyes. We have had this conversation before. She thinks her family is so great and it will make millions. I told her to get a publisher and an agent and go from there. She then asked if that were free. I laughed and said no. It’s minimum $600. But you also need the book, too. It’s been a year and not one page has been written. I don’t think this book is going to happen. Then she said that I would write it. HELL TO THE NO. I hate my aunt more than anyone in the world. She is nothing but a scumbag. I won’t have anything to do with the book or her family as long as I live. I have my reasons that I am not going to disclose.

I really wanted to die today, and it would have been the right day to do it. No one is home and won’t be until later this evening. I should have taken advantage of it earlier today but I didn’t. I got a text from my therapist yesterday saying that “ I matter”. To who? Lately that has been her response to everything every time I am suicidal. Like that is supposed to ease the ache. It doesn’t. Just pisses me off.

My sister called me and told me all that was wrong with my mother. Nice, like I didn’t know. If she won’t be her own advocate, she isn’t going to get better. She doesn’t do what the doctors have been telling her to, so sorry if I don’t feel bad for her. She certainly doesn’t feel bad for me. My mother told me she isn’t going to be home tonight. I am so glad I got the house to myself. I was hoping my LTD money would come today but nope, won’t be in till Monday. Fuckers. I can at least start the process of getting to know what is wrong with my screen and send it out next week. But I don’t know if they need the money up front or not so I haven’t made the call.

Today has been raw and cold. I haven’t been outside, only to go down to my aunt’s. I wish I could tell her what I really think of her. I really do. But out of respect for my mother, I just keep it to myself.

I didn’t write today, not that that was the plan or anything. I didn’t even shower or get dressed. I just stayed in my pjs. I did make myself pancakes for breakfast. That is all that I have done today. I am still full that I don’t want to make anything else. I got to find out when the next Jays game is. I got to know who will be playing the Mets in the World Series.

hurting big time today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hurting big time today

I went to my father’s like I do every week. This week was different as he wanted me to go to the card store to get some cards as next month is birthday month. There are several birthdays between my sister, my aunt, cousins, and friends. I am going to be broke. I should have bought some cards myself but of course, didn’t think about that till now. I will have to find my way the next time I go to Walgreens. On my way to the card store, I tripped over the stupid sidewalk. The city my father lives is not known for level sidewalks and I kept on trying to look out for this stupid store that had cards for 99 cents. Fucking A. My ankle is really hurting me now and I am not happy about it. Mostly because my father didn’t even thank me for going for him. He is such a bastard.

I was hoping to wake up early so I could make pancakes but that didn’t happen. I really just wanted to stay in bed and screw my father but he would have been really pissed off. One of his meds I have to fill probably Monday so he doesn’t run out. I am so tired of going over there. Least I don’t have any where to go to tomorrow. I can rest my hurt ankle that I really hurt. Least I didn’t fall. That would have been worse.

I still didn’t get this check I am supposed to have. I probably won’t get it until next month. I really want to get my sister’s something for their birthdays but I don’t have any extra cash. This check would be awesome because I could take them out for dinner or something. I don’t know. Just throwing ideas out there. They always give me a lot of presents for my birthday and Christmas and I never seem to be able to give them anything. It hurts me. It just reminds me how fucking broke I really am. You would think after three years I would be used to it. I am used to it till birthdays come flying around. It sucks.

I got no appetite again today. All I had for breakfast was a yogurt and for lunch a granola bar with some vitamin water. I would really have loved pancakes but maybe I can make them tomorrow. Last night I promised myself I would read Harry Potter. Another promise broken. I fell asleep and that was it. I am never going to finish this book. I am having a hard time reading it and I don’t know why this book is different than the other Harry Potter books, except I despise Umbridge. It’s not one of my favorite books I guess.

I am in the type of depression where I just want to take my pain meds or some other med that causes drowsiness and just sleep. I just don’t care. I don’t mean to take the meds more than what I take, but just enough to get me to sleep. And waking up now between 3 and 4 in the morning is really pissing me off. I go back to sleep and I don’t want to do anything the rest of the day. Today was the biggest struggle. I just really didn’t plan on going to the fucking card store for my father. Extra spoons wasted. What am I talking about??!! I got no spoons!! I really just want to be fucking dead. And I am trying hard not to come up with a reason why I shouldn’t go ahead and kill myself. Yesterday, there was a jumper on the train tracks. People kill themselves every day. Why can’t I be one of them??

Cramping and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cramps and other things

Last night, I fell asleep sometime after the 7th inning of the Cubs/Mets game. Mets won and will be going to the World Series!!! Baseball season is still going on and as long as it is, I will be paying attention. I fell asleep before the game was over. It was a blow out anyways and I didn’t think the Cubs were going to come back. Unfortunately, I must have moved my ankle the wrong way while I was sleeping because it cramped up pretty good. I couldn’t get it to straighten out without manually pushing it. I hate when I get cramps like that. It’s around 0415 when it started. I am glad it went away but now I can’t sleep. I took my pain meds and some Ativan in case the cramps come back. My ankle is really hurting from being contorted so I am hoping the pain meds help.

I was reading my Twitterline last night and a family doctor that I follow tweeted about a study of back pain and narcotics, saying that it wasn’t any good. I didn’t read the article because I knew it would upset me. I have heard over the years that the pain med I take is not good for acute pain, just chronic pain. Now I have this article and I don’t know what to think. I just know that if I was given pain meds when I first hurt my back, I might have avoided seeing a chiropractor and not ended up with cauda equina syndrome! I might have ended up with it the second time, anyway as I certainly wasn’t seeing a chiropractor then. If you have herniated discs, I encourage you NOT to see a chiropractor. I am not writing off the whole profession, just be wise that not all of them care about your spine and will want to keep you as a patient for as long as possible. I was helped before I got injured but then after I got injured, I wrote them off because I had herniated discs or slipped discs. Any spinal manipulation can cause CES if you have herniated discs. And don’t get me started on epidural injections. Those are just a money maker for doctors and have no real benefit for YOU. There is a 50% chance you might be helped and a chance you could get worse symptoms. I have scar tissue on my back (four back surgeries will do that) and in my nerves so I will NEVER get a shot in the back, no matter how enticing the doc may be.

I think the Mets and the Blue Jays are going to be in the Series. I could be wrong. Jays are facing a won game elimination so they really need to come back if they are to play. I really don’t want to the Royals to win.

My old laptop battery is dead. It cannot be revived. I luckily found one that was cheaper than $50 at Office Depot on Amazon.com. I love Amazon, I can get practically anything there. I always make sure that I go over $35 so I get free shipping. This order, I am ordering a bunch of baseball movies. I don’t know if I will be able to play them on my laptop as the screen is messed up, I might have to wait. But I got the classics like Sandlot, Major League and a League of her own. I wanted Bull Durham but it’s out of stock right now. I figured the movies might help my baseball depression, though it’s slowly moving toward my regular depressive state. I keep having thoughts of ending my life. I imagine doing something that takes my life away and then my niece finds me. It is unsettling because I don’t want her to be the one that finds me. It will be too traumatic for her. Not to say it will be any easier on another person, but a little kid would be too much.

One of the authors that I follow on Facebook posted pictures of this new writing space. I wish I could clear my room so I can get to my desk and then clear off my desk so I can have a space to write. Maybe it will be better than writing from my bed all the time. It might help me mentally not to have all that junk on my desk. I know most of it are my disability papers and old invoices and such. I haven’t touched them in more than two years so I think it’s safe to junk them. My author friend had his laptop and an old typewriter, but no paper. I found this odd. How are you supposed to type if you have no paper? It was very tidy, which kind of unnerved me. I am not a neat freak. I can’t stand things in proper places. I like clutter, but not too much. Unfortunately, I have a ton of clutter and can’t get out from underneath it. I have a bunch of my clothes in a box right now because I just can’t get to my closet because of stuff. It may sound strange but the clutter makes me feel more grounded and packed in. I like it even though it drives my family members crazy. Sometimes it does annoy me, especially when I am looking for something and can’t remember where it is.

Meds are kicking in now. I hope I wake up in time to make pancakes. I am addicted to oatmeal pancakes. They are my favorite food right now. It will be a good hearty breakfast. Until later.

Don’t Make Me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Don’t Make Me

I heard this Blake Shelton song last night and nearly cried. I texted my therapist some of the lyrics but I don’t think it got through to her yesterday. She was so frazzled by her phone not functioning we really didn’t talk about the texts I sent her. Her phone is still caputs as AT&T is doing service in her area and it’s affecting her connection. So instead of talking tomorrow, I have to wait till next week.

I had a bad night sleeping seems I woke up every time the pain meds wore off. Then temp stayed pretty stabled but it’s kind of damp and rainy so I am hurting. I was going to take a shower if I got up before 0700 but I woke up around 3 and fell back to sleep around 4 so set my alarm to wake up at a little after 7. Good thing I did because I was knocked out. I sort of dozed a bit before getting up and then I had to rush. I wanted to catch the 0822 bus and I was cutting it close. After the shower, I really just wanted to go back to bed but had to get going. It wore me out some. I caught the bus to the square and had my Starbucks. I realized on the bus ride that I forgot my headphones. Just wonderful. I think if my brother in law hadn’t scared me, I probably would have remembered to grab them. I was hurrying and forgot. So now I have another pair of headphones. I put this new pair in my backpack in case I forget again. It was raining by the time we got to the Square so I was glad I didn’t wear my Bluetooth set that I wanted to.

I met with my pdoc. I didn’t want to cry but I did. I told her it was my fault that I caused this problem with my therapist and she said that was ridiculous. It made me feel a little better about the situation. But she still doesn’t know exactly why my therapist is pushing for a new therapist. Everything is happening so fast that I don’t even know anymore. Sure I got mad at my therapist and wrote somethings to her that said I had enough, but she heard this stuff all before, why all of a sudden the change? She said she still wants to work with me, so why is she pushing a new therapist? Why do I have to go through that hassle? It just doesn’t make any sense and until I can talk with her again, I am not going to know. Maybe I missed something. And in my depressed mind I can’t figure it out. I am just coming up with reasons why she wants me gone, which I don’t think is totally through after being together 14 years. Sure the phone is a pain in the ass but why is it a problem after three years? Something is going on behind the scene that I don’t know about. That much I am certain. But what it is, I am not sure. I will have to wait until Tuesday to find out.

I told my pdoc that the depression is the worst that I have felt in years. I don’t ever recall a depression where I feel so empty inside. I told her I haven’t been writing and then starting the waterworks when I brought up the writing story. I know I can write about the difficulty but I just can’t find the motivation to do it. I no longer have a writing partner to help me anymore. Not like we were in competition or anything. But she would keep me on track with writing and it was nice to have someone to talk to specifically for writing. Now my partner is moving on to other creative projects like arts and crafts and bag making. Maybe she is burnt out by writing after she got married. I don’t know. Her bags are cute and I am thinking of getting one for my sister or cousin. It would make a nice Christmas gift. My writing is on hold until I can sort out the therapy situation. My pdoc is worried and wants me to let her know when I do.

As I need to send my laptop back to Dell for repair, I took out the old laptop. It works but the battery is dead. I tried finding on the Dell website and they don’t have them anymore. Office Depot has one for like $50. As long as it works while plugged in I won’t get one, though it might be worthwhile. I am just glad I can use the laptop. I just can’t use internet explorer as a browser because it’s old and my stupid hard drive won’t download the updates. That was one of the reasons why I had to get the new laptop because the old one wouldn’t update windows stuff. It’s a bad hard drive, with some kind of compatibility issue. I found this out when I had to get encryption for my work, and that was just when my laptop was a year old! But it connects to the net via the Chrome browser and word works so I am good. Everything else I can use my phone for. It’s just blogging that I need my laptop.