I have been sleeping on and off all day. Pain has continued. My ankle hurts so bad. I just want to scream.
Had a series of bad dreams, each one worse than the other. I don’t want to be anymore. I honestly can’t see myself in this much pain much longer.
I have therapy tomorrow. I really don’t want to go. But it is too late now to cancel. I didn’t get any baking done. I did fill my pill boxes up for the week. Now I can try and sleep until I have to take them.
I had a hard time sleeping last night. I got hit with pain and it kept me up. I fell asleep some time before 0200. I was listening to Taylor Swift on my headphones to help distract. I some how fell asleep and woke up in the sitting position. I took the headphones off and laid down. The pain was better by then. Though it came back a few hours later and I needed more meds around 0530.
I didn’t want to get up this morning. I had some breakfast and got my meds and stupid vitals. One of the mental health counselors yelled at me for not getting my vitals before my meds. Tough shit.
I was kind of in a haze for most of the day. I went to group therapy. I tried to pick other patients brains on coping stuff but they all told me things I already tried. It was worth a shot. Then my team called me from group so we met. The social worker wanted to know more about my suicidal urges and I told her pain exacerbates it. The doc didn’t say too much. Just went over the med changes the covering doc did yesterday. He wanted a tentative discharge date so we are shooting for Thursday. I’m kind of mixed on it because I fear I will be more apt to buy my new method while in a flare than not. Doesn’t mean I’ll act on it but I could. I keep fantasizing my death, though. Been doing it for months so I don’t think more time in the hospital will change that.
I put in a request for an appt at another therapy center. I’m waiting to hear back from them. I’d like to see if I can find another therapist. I really don’t think it is going to work out with the guy I am seeing now. He is just annoying me more than helping me.
I am feeling kind of dizzy after I had my dinner. The contact person thinks it’s because I didn’t drink enough today. I hope it’s not a withdrawal from my other antipsychotic. That would suck. They stopped it as of last night. Other than that, i have no idea why I could be dizzy.
I talked to my mom tonight. We talked in general terms like we always do. She wanted to know if the docs here are helping with my pain. I told her no one knows my condition as I’ve had to explain it to practically everyone. No one gets CRPS. She asked why and I told her it was a psych unit not a medical one. She doesn’t understand the difference.
I’m hoping the storms don’t kill me tonight. My pain has been up and down all day. It’s really muggy outside and it is stuffy on the unit. It just started raining now. Hope it cools off some.
I woke up in the middle of the night because of pain. I had a flare up before I went to sleep which caused another psychotic episode. I was scared as the voices were so loud.
The staff woke me up around 815. I didn’t like that at all. Then my bladder said to get up so I did. I kind of missed breakfast so I had a bowl of cereal. Then I met with my social worker. She played voicemail tag with my therapist. Did I mention he is an idiot? He told her I was having conflicts at home that lead to my hospitalization. What those conflicts are, I have no idea. Guess he was paying more attention to his nails than telling him my pain was driving me nuts. I’m really pissed.
The covering doc saw me next and I told him I wanted a med change but was waiting for my doc to email me back. She was ok with it. I’ll be started on Invega tonight.
I went to group and during the group therapy I came out as trans. It felt good to have everyone’s support. Now hopefully they will use the right pronouns.
I was really tired after lunch so I took a nap. I slept until some alarm went off. I thought it was the fire alarm so got up. By the time I put my sandals on, the sound stopped. I went back to sleep.
Pain had been up and down. Not too bad but it could get worse tonight. I’m still sleepy. I really don’t want to nap again so I made a cup of tea. I brought some with me as the hospital doesn’t have the kind I like. I kind of made it too sweet but oh well. I’ll know for next time to use two packets of sugar.
midnightdemons7 
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