Category: mental illness

Dark Heart

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

30-Jan-11

Been up the last few hours. I have such a heavy heart that it is ready to kill me. I am haunted by everything that is wrong with my life. Been thinking about my cousin who is now a marine and yet I hardly know because my family drifted apart. It saddens me that I don’t know my “little” cousins anymore. The oldest is engaged and will be married later this year. I feel less a part of their lives with each passing year.

I do not know who I am anymore. Last night in a fit of torment I threw down the gauntlet and told my ptx that I will die this weekend. I so wish I could act on these feelings. The brokenness inside kills me every night. The sorrow that is deep within my chest shall never be revealed nor relieved in any such way. I am just a freak who is suffering silently with only these words to fall on silent blogs. I only wish to end this daily torture. Animals are treated more humanly than human beings. It has been said that you control your own life and happiness. Well my happiness lies beneath the earth or as a pile of ash. I do not care what remains of my bodily essence. My consciousness is what is the death of me. I am not truly dying a slow death but am only being tortured every minute I dare to breath. This can’t be what life is about. To go on suffering just so others do not feel your loss. I have snapped and I don’t know if there is any coming back. I want to put a plastic bag over my head and die of asphyxia. Yes it may be painful but once that last breath is gone, I shall be free

suicide notes

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I found my note that I wrote about a year ago, maybe more. It was also my will as I stated what to do with my things after I had passed. It was creepy finding it. I forgot I had written it. I know that I have another “note” that I borrowed from Night falls fast by Kay Redfield Jamison. It adequately depicts my struggle with depression and states how sorry I am that I had to choose this way. It reads:
“Do not grieve for me. My nerves are shot and for the last year I have been in agony day and night, except when I sleep with sleeping pills, and any peace I have by day is when I am drugged by pills.
I have had a wonderful life but it is over and my nerves get worse and I am afraid they will have to take me away. So please forgive me, all those I love and may god forgive me too but I cannot bear the agony and it is best for everyone this way.
NO ONE IS TO BLAME. I have wonderful friends and they do all the can for me, including my care treaters (AE and LP). I have tried very hard all I know for a year and it gets worse inside, so please take comfort in knowing I will not suffer anymore.”

I have been going over my journal and keep finding all that I have been going through the past three years. I honestly have no idea why I am still alive. According to this journal written in 2009, I should be dead. But I am not. I guess that is a miracle some how but I still don’t want to live. Yet I do. Next to this suicide note is my crisis response plan. VERY IRONIC.

Eyeglasses and Pens (Ramblngs 11)

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

Went to the eye doc today because my vision has been blurred at night due to feeling fatigued. My doc thinks I have to progress to bifocals to correct the problem and my vision has change slightly which means new lenses. Just great. Seems like every 6 months I am having a vision change requiring new lenses. This is getting to be expensive. And I am not liking the change. I have been wearing glasses since the first grade. Right now I have Harry Potter type frame which I love. I hope I can change the lenses in them so I don’t have to get a new frame.
Which ties into my Voldemort delusion. Yes I am still thinking he is sending me personal messages via twitter. He hasn’t sent any today, that I am aware of, but then, I have been avoiding the app on my phone to avoid him becoming awakened.
I have all these collections of old glasses. I really want to donate them to help people that can’t afford glasses but I forget which sites accepts them. Thing is some of them I still like the frame so I don’t want to give them up just yet, even though they are more than a few years old now.
Did I mention that I am a pen connoisseur? I love pens. I just bought about a dozen new pens, mostly the same brand and style because I like the Uniball Jetstream. The company just came out with a new Jetstream called 101. It is not as good as the regular as the grip doesn’t hold too well. It writes like a Jetstream but it also take a while to dry and can smear easily. I mostly have been using the same pen for I don’t know how long but seems to have misplaced it or it got eaten by my bed. But no fear because I have others just like it to take its place. Sounds kind of crazy but it is what it is. I have to have a collection of these pens because I am afraid that they will stop producing this line and after they stopped selling my Pilot V-ball I have been obsessed with the Jetstream line. I still own a few V-balls and will write with them but I mostly prefer the smoothness of the Jetstream. V-balls tend to be scratchy on paper.
Hart of Dixie was not on this week. I miss having my Zoe and Wade fix. Which means nothing else is on the tube. I am bored.
I started working on my comparison paper today while at Starbucks and then got stumped to find an article I have not read since 2006. I knew the title and what it was about but vaguely remember the exact details. I tried getting a download but apparently my computer settings were messed up which somehow messed up the website I was looking to get the download, and I wasn’t going to pay $24 USD when I was a member of the journal publication. I ransacked my house to find this paper and it turned up in a most unusual place, my desk drawer in my office. I have journal articles everywhere but they are nicely organized in my brain and in my thumb drive but the physical copies are scattered. This is the second time I have been going crazy looking for an article that was not where it should be. I rely on my memory but sometimes my memory gives me vague details about whatever is it that I am searching for. I knew I had a copy and yes it would have been easy to print it out but I would have had to download the drivers to the printer again on both laptops and that was a pain in the ass to me. I still have to do that one day but this paper is more important to me right now than printer drivers.

rough day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicide

Been having a rough day. CES flair up left me feeling pretty down. I have been avoiding taking a nap so far but I had to take some Ativan so should be sleeping soon. I took it because I was freaked out after hearing a freaky noise in the house. I was the only one that heard it so of course no one believes me. It sounded like a door creaking open but the door was already open so why the noise?
Voices have been ok until I got a tweet from Voldemort. Now I think he is personally sending me messages. I think its pretty funny I think this way even though I know I am losing my mind. I guess months of boredom has finally drove me nuts.
I started taking the abilify again. I really don’t want to end up back in the hospital. I just don’t understand why I become psychotic after a severe bout of depression. I know I have a psychotic features of depression, but this is kind of unusual.
Today my mother pissed me off. She saw my OLD scars and thought they were new. I HATE it when I am accused of doing something when I haven’t and if looks could kill, I would be dead. WTF. Why would I lie? I haven’t cut in years and though I walk around with t-shirts all the time, they are clearly visible. That’s what scars are. Old wounds that are still visible. They don’t go away no matter what you do. But don’t sit there and pretend that you don’t know about it because you know you do. Granted she has never really seen the full extent of it. I am just too stubborn and shameful to show it willingly. I am not proud of them but it served a purpose in my life for a few years.
Ankle is killing me right now. I swear if I am not dealing with one type of pain or the other every single day. It SUCKS. I swear this morning I started with the waking up and wanting to die again. I just can’t take waking up. It pisses me off. I don’t want to live yet I am “forced” to. I hate myself for living every day and being a coward for not taking my life.