Category: mood disorders

relieved and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Relieved and other things

I had a difficult morning waking up. My sister, who is still in Italy, called me this morning, waking me up. She wanted to talk to my mother. I told her she had already left for my Aunt’s house and wasn’t home. I fell back to sleep until my mother called me. It was good that she did because I needed to be up. She wanted some antibiotic ointment and I told her I would get it today.

I went to Starbucks and had a sandwich with my espresso. I wrote in my journal until it was time to leave. I went to CVS to get my mother the ointment. I wanted to get my T pass at the station but the line was too long. I decided to get it as I got off my stop.

I was early for my appointment. I wore light shorts so I could be weighed. I lost 6 pounds since my last weigh in, which was at least a few months ago. I felt good about that. The resident saw me and then after she felt the lump, quickly left for the attending, which made me nervous. She didn’t say anything good or bad, just left in a hurry. My doc came in and examined me. He said it was just fat, a lipoma, which is nothing to worry about unless it grows. I felt so relieved I almost left my bag behind! I left the office and made my way to the station.

It was really muggy once I left the AC’d hospital. I was sweating by the time I walked to the station. I emailed my psych to let her know what my doc had found. I also let one of my friends know and she was relieved as well.

I came home and it was just in time for my bowels to unleash. Another minute and it would have been in my pants. I asked my mother if she wanted Chinese food for supper and she did. I bought it from my favorite places, though they were skimpy on the fried rice. It was good, though I wasn’t a fan of their lo mein. It tasted funny.

My mother asked me to change her bandages. She had pustules on her legs, at least a half dozen of them. I hope the antibiotic ointment helps her. I told her if it doesn’t get better to go back to the doctor. She waved me off like I didn’t know what I was talking about. You can’t tell my mother nothing these days.

I felt like getting an iced coffee at Starbucks while I was waiting for the bus. I didn’t get it. Now I wished I did. I am so sleepy and it’s too early to take my night meds and go to sleep. I hate humid weather as it just makes me sleepy. It’s really hot in the house and I don’t want to make coffee like I did last night. Just having dinner, I was sweating. I don’t know how my mother can stand the heat. It drives me nuts.

While I was cleaning up after dinner, I started hearing voices on top of the music in my head. I had to catch myself from speaking to them as my mother was still in the kitchen. I took an extra trilafon to try and quiet them down. I don’t need an incident like last year. Hard to believe that I have been on trilafon for almost a full year now. I hope the extra med helps and doesn’t lead to worsening of voices, than my normal ones. I think the stress of the day caused it and I should be fine tomorrow, I hope. Just wish the damn music in my head would stop.

a day of sleep II

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A day of sleep

I didn’t go to sleep till around 0400. Pain had been keeping me up. It was the same deal, dealing with different types of pain severity for most of the night. I tried my best not to panic but I ended up having a pain anxiety attack anyways. Around 0330, I took an Ativan and that finally knocked me out.

I had set my alarm so I would call my PCP’s office for an appointment. Yesterday while showering, I found a lump on my side. I think it’s just fat but I want to be sure. I fell back to sleep until around 11 or so. My brother in law called and wanted me to let a service guy in to look at his fridge. I spent nearly an hour waiting for the guy to figure out what was wrong. He spent most of the time calling his office to find out what to do. Unreal. He needs to order a part and I told him to call my brother in law to set up another appt to install it.

I went to the bathroom and looked at the time. I wanted coffee but I just missed the bus. I called my PCP’s office and he didn’t have any opening till Sept. Just great. I had them pass the information to his nurse and was just about to go back to sleep when she called. I will be seeing one of his residents tomorrow afternoon. Not what I wanted but oh well. It is better than waiting until Sept.

My mother called when I again was drifting off to sleep. I told her I wasn’t going out as I didn’t go to sleep until 4. When I did finally wake up, I made a burger and had a nectarine. I was contemplating making coffee, and I did so anyway. I just won’t have the full cup as I don’t want to be up all night again. I was dreaming of coffee before I woke up. Weird, I never dreamed about it before.

One of my teeth on my left side is hurting me today. I hope there isn’t a cavity there. I don’t get my cavities filled until the 13th of July. I will have the dentist look at it, if it is still hurting by then. I hate toothaches.

As I couldn’t sleep, I did some retail therapy. I bought another charger for my phone so I can charge it when I am downstairs. I also bought a portable charger to take with me as my phone’s battery is not lasting as long anymore. I’m lucky to get 8 hours between charges. Ever since they did the system upgrade, something has been eating my battery power and their “power saving” app doesn’t allow certain apps to run, at all, like my email and Twitter. It kind of freezes the phone which sucks.

It’s really muggy today. I have the AC going to cool my room off. I made the mistake of turning it off before falling into a deep sleep and when I woke up I was sweating. My room was really stuffy. I hated it. I quickly turned it back on.

I had wanted to make a dessert today but that isn’t going to happen. I might make it on Saturday. I was watching the video for it. I think I bought too much cool whip for the dessert, but we’ll see. I know my mother won’t have it because it’s really sweet as it is made with powdered sugar. The good thing is that there is no baking in the oven, just refrigerating. I can’t wait to try it. Maybe this weekend I will thaw out the ground beef and make my dirty gravy, that is, if the weather isn’t too hot.

just a slow day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just a slow day

I woke up around 0445 and stayed up till 0630. I didn’t wake up till after 1330. I had woken up with a cramp in my foot so needed an Ativan to calm it down. I am feeling kind of groggy and have a headache. I made breakfast/lunch by cooking bacon and making a sandwich with turkey breast and pepper jack cheese on a Portuguese roll. I love these rolls as they are really good. It’s one of my favorite types of bread. I made coffee after I ate the sandwich. I was reading a wonderful story on the Live Through This (www.livethroughthis.org) website by my friend on Twitter. He told of his story of suicide attempt and what lead up to it. It was interesting learning about him in this way because he was studying to be a psychologist and even though these clinician are trained to treat clients, they are very stigmatizing against those that have mental illness in the field. As my friend puts it, if someone with cancer was diagnosed, they talk freely about it but if you have depression, you need to be hush hush about it. It really sucks.

I have felt that stigma in my own world as I tried to get help but my suicidality always seemed to toss me from therapist to therapist, or even be referred without even being seen first. I was really lucky to find the therapist I am seeing now to take me on. He isn’t afraid of me and is the most relaxed therapist I have ever met. He is very good at me bringing up things and talking about it. He is reserved which kind of makes me think he isn’t listening to me but it just takes him a while to respond in the “right” way. Very unlike my previous therapist, who always jumped in with her thoughts, even before I was finished speaking. It annoyed the crap out of me and shut me down.

My friend was afraid of talking about his story. But he is glad that he did. I told him I know the fear as I was so fearful when my memoir was first publish that no one would read it. It has helped people (https://www.amazon.com/Midnight-Demon-Suicidal-Illness-Syndrome/dp/149430886X/ref=la_B00N8AI4I4_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8 ) and even though it’s not on the best seller’s list, I am proud of it. I put a lot of emotional energy into writing it as well as a lot of personal stories. My psych said that it was a powerful read and that I was really out there. It’s a brutally honest account of what I have been through with my mental illness and nerve condition. I didn’t hold anything back.

I wanted to shave my head today. Keeping up with the maintenance has been harder than I thought. I didn’t shave yesterday so I have two days of growth. I might do it later. I need to shower anyways. I am not having much pain, yet.

I emailed my psych about her being a passed the buck but I haven’t heard back from her. I guess we’ll just talk about it when I see her next week. I need a refill on some meds. I need to remember to tell her that at the beginning in case the computer decides to be a jerk.

Weather has cooled off but it’s supposed to be humid the next few days, which I am not looking forward to. I still have had to put the AC on because it was stuffy in my room. My foot has not liked it because it made my foot ice cold, which made me have to put on thermal socks. I am so glad I bought them from LL Bean years ago. They are really warm and save my feet from frost bite for no good reason. My feet get cold because of nerve damage. It sucks but I have been dealing with this for 16 years now.

I really need to write a blog about my therapist. I think it will help me deal with the grief. I keep thinking of her when a certain song is on the radio or just in general. She had been so much a part of my life for so long and I always equate my nerve injury with our relationship. It is really difficult to tease it apart. But that is another story for another time.

Today is my nephew’s birthday so we will be meeting up later to have hot dogs and watch the game. I hope the Sox win as the Twins suck. I did buy the Red Sox gear but I didn’t buy those slippers. I decided not to get them in case the hurt me. I still got free shipping, which was cool. I should have them in the next week or so.

an afternoon of cooking

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

An afternoon of cooking

My grocery order came. I didn’t get my ribs or half of the Powerade that I ordered. I will have to go to Stop and Shop to get them. I stupidly gave the guy a coupon for the ribs. It was for 2 bucks off. Oh well. So instead of ribs, I am making chicken wings, which take 3 hours to cook. I had to cut each one because they weren’t separated into pieces and they had the extra wing on them that grosses me out. I have them in the oven now for 90 minutes and then I will turn them over and then let them cook with the sauce for another 90 minutes, broiling them for the last 10 minutes or so.

I had made coffee while I was waiting for my delivery. When it came and I put everything away, I made a sandwich. I had bought some pepper jack cheese and turkey breast. The cheese was hotter than I expected. It was still good though. Because not everything on my order came in, I will be getting a credit, which is good. They sent me the wrong kind of cream cheese so I won’t be making my dessert tomorrow. I need to go to Stop and Shop and buy the right kind.

My back and ankle are sore from standing and putting things away. I am not hurting real bad but I probably will be tonight. I am tired from the waiting and the little preparing that I did. I can’t risk taking a nap because I don’t want to oversleep and burn my chicken wings. That wouldn’t be good. I took a pain pill before the delivery arrived so I should be good for another hour or so.

Supper was great, though my mother didn’t like the rice that I made. I told her she wasn’t going to like it. She did like the chicken wings but said they were too sweet and too much sauce. Always a complaint when I cook. She is cleaning up so I don’t have to. My ankle would kill me anyways. I am beyond tired and my mother was not sympathetic.

My hands smell like chicken even though I have washed them with soap a few times. You can’t eat chicken wings with utensils so I guess that is the price to pay. I am glad they came out good even though I did make too much sauce. It’s hard to gauge. Every time I make them I either have too much or too little. My mother said too little is better. I like a lot of sauce and she doesn’t so there isn’t going to be a compromise.

I bought some Special K bites that are dark chocolate and pistachio. They are so good. It’s made with almond butter, something I never had before. I guess it’s healthier. I am going to have ice cream later. I can’t eat anything more right now or I will pop. I bought three different kinds, Breyer’s Black raspberry chocolate, Magnum berry chocolate bars, and Magnum dark chocolate vanilla bars. And no I don’t like chocolate, LOL just kidding. I feel bad for people that are allergic to chocolate or can’t have it because of other reasons, like giving them a migraine or something. I love dark chocolate more than milk, but will still have milk chocolate occasionally.

The other night, I was on the MLB website and was browsing through the clearance stuff for Red Sox gear. I wanted to get a phone case for my phone but they didn’t have it. I piled on and before I knew it, I was over $100. I went through it the list yesterday and discarded some items that were over $30. I got 3 items and I knocked the price down to $70. When I get paid tomorrow, I am going to buy the stuff. I will be getting a wallet, slippers, and a tank top. Because it’s over $50, I will have free shipping, which is cool. I just hope the slippers fit me well and don’t irritate my Achilles. These slippers are moccasin type. They are men’s but that doesn’t mean they will fit. Maybe I shouldn’t get them but another style. I don’t know, buy shoes was never a problem for me before my Achilles problem. Now I need to make sure the back is comfy so it cushions my tendon.