Category: mood disorders

Sunday Mass

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Mass

My family went to the Sunday mass for my father’s remembrance. It was a quick mass and the priest said his name correctly. It was touching. Afterwards we went out for breakfast at my new favorite place down the street from where we live. It was good until I spilled juice on my niece. My hands were greasy and I didn’t have a good hold on the cup. I felt like an idiot.

My nephew had a hard time with things today. He was close to his grandfather. It’s hard on the kids more than my sisters. It’s such a huge void in their lives.

I am still feeling the grief of my father. I can’t believe he has been gone a year. It’s been a difficult year. I don’t know how I managed with just one hospitalization. I know there have been times this year that I needed to go in but I didn’t for one reason or another. I just don’t find them useful anymore. Sure, it’s a place to be safe at but they really don’t offer much in ways of coping with stress or dealing with your issues. Most times, they just check you in and then discharge you before you are ready to leave. I hate that and it usually leads to people being readmitted a few days later. The mental health system sucks.

This afternoon, I am going south of Boston to see my friends and go out to dinner. It’s not raining but it is cold. It should be a good time. I am really looking forward to it. I am in pain but I think if I rest now, I should be fine by the time I have to leave. I have to look at the bus schedules and see which one comes first. There are two buses that go to the station I need to go to. There are no buses to the Square today. I would have to get off at another square and walk up the street, which would suck and wear me out so I am not doing that. I do have to change trains but I am going to get off at Downtown Crossing, go to Starbucks, and then catch the red line. I need espresso today because I woke up so friggen early for mass and I never got up to make my coffee. I could make it now but Starbucks espresso would be better. I will only have two shots because it will be late in the afternoon and I don’t want to be up all night.

I filled my med box last night when I couldn’t sleep. I made sure to put my trilafon in. I forgot to put it in last week so I missed a couple days. I always forget because the pill bottle is by my bed not on my bureau where the other meds are. I have it close to me because I need to take a 1 PM dose. That is how I take it. It works well for me and I have no side effects that are noticeable.

I just went “shopping” on Amazon. This place is like crack to me. I spend so much money I should have stock in it. I rebought the things that got lost in the mail a few weeks ago for my friend and also some stuff for another friend in Australia. It’s going to be fun shipping that to him. There were only 4 left in stock so I bought 2 packages and then paid for it. I was going to wait until tomorrow when I got paid but I didn’t want to risk losing it as he really needs this item. It’s not available where he is. I am just happy to help him.

Saturday Blog 81

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 81

I took a shower today and it wiped me out. It was my niece’s birthday and I had a few hours till the party so I took a nap. The party started at 1400. I woke up around 1600. My mother called me to ask where I was and I told her I just woke up. I didn’t plan on sleeping that much but I guess I needed it. I still feel like crap. Seems all I want to do lately is sleep.

I went to the party. Cake was already served. I said hi to all that was there. I had something to eat. The cheese pizza was gone. All that was left was veggie and I don’t like it because it had onions on it. I then had what was left of the birthday cake. It was good. I hung out for a little bit and just listened to the conversations. Then I said my goodbyes and left.

I am hungry as I didn’t have that much to eat. I might have a bowl of cereal. I forgot to grab some frozen dinners while I was downstairs. I will grab them tomorrow. I need to empty my recycle bin. I managed to move the foam topper back in place so I can change my sheets on Tuesday. I can’t do it tomorrow or Monday because I have things to do and it wipes me out.

My new Bluetooth headset came in today. I had to switch the buds to smaller ones because they were too big. They fit better now. I really like them. The buttons for up and down are really small. I haven’t tested them out to see if they work. I will tomorrow. I don’t feel like doing anything right now. I just want to fucking sleep.

My Uncle was over the house for the party. He asked me how my back was. It really pisses me off because my back no longer bothers me so much as my ankle pain does. And then when I say it’s just my ankle, I just get a head shake and maybe a “well it’s coming from your back”. No dickhead, it’s not. It’s been ruled out. I have a pain syndrome that is concentrated in my fucking ankle. But I can’t get anyone to understand this. Just so frustrating.

another blog about pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another blog about Pain

I have been in serious pain the last few hours and it’s stressing me out. My cousin called me today. She said that she wasn’t able to get a ride for my father’s memorial mass on Sunday as she doesn’t drive on the highway. I told it was okay. Not many of my cousins were going. The talk helped to distract me from pain for a little while.

My foot and ankle can’t decide which is going to hurt more so both are causing me agony. I put some lidocaine on it because the pain was so severe. It knocked the pain down some but didn’t take it away completely. I had to take some more pain meds just now. I might take a strong pain pill in a few.

I don’t know if a cat got in the house or what, but the downstairs area smells of cat piss really bad. I hope it dissipates by morning. We have feral cats that hang around the house so not sure if a cat was marking its spot or what. The smell is giving me a headache.

My mother turned the heat on so my room is a sauna once again. I can’t really blame her because it was really cold today. I turned on the ceiling fan. It’s helping with the heat and the cat smell. I am so damn tired but my foot is just killing me. I was reading some old blogs from last summer and one of them was talking about my foot flaring after brushing my teeth. I got so upset, I wrote I was going to kill myself. I remember that day. I just had enough of pain and I snapped. With the good weather coming, I might end up going through with the plan I have been thinking about. I am not suicidal right now but I can go through with my plan at any time I feel like it. Pain is motivating me to end it.

I try not to think about it though. It’s tough not to when my level of pain is what it is right now. I had a little anxiety attack earlier so I took my night meds early. I didn’t want to have to take 2 mg of Ativan if I didn’t have to. I just become anxious because my body goes berserk with the level of pain. I fucking hate it. It drives me crazy.

My brother in law installed the new dishwasher so now our kitchen sink is useable again. I had to use the bathroom sink to wash my hair out after my haircut because I didn’t want to shower. It would have killed my ankle/foot. I am glad we have the sink back. Now my mother can fill it the new dishwasher to her heart’s content.

I read some of Huck Finn. The language was rough. Mark Twain was writing the way a Negro talked and it was hard to figure out what he was trying to say. Drives me crazy. I had the same problem with the Uncle Tom’s Cabin book. God I am hurting so damn bad. I know it’s most likely because I was standing most of the way home on the train because there were no seats for me to sit down and I feel funny asking people to give up their seats. I just waited till people got off the train. It’s the little things that flare it up. But then I can stand for the bus and it won’t bother me. Go figure that out.

Well, I am going to try and get some sleep now. I hope I can sleep through the night. I really don’t want to sleep and then wake up in the middle of the night due to pain. That will suck. Tomorrow is my youngest niece’s birthday. She will be 12. I haven’t decided if I am going to go to the party or not. Depends on how I feel. Lately I just want to stay in my room and sleep. I am looking forward to seeing my friends on Sunday. I think it will be fun.

cold and rainy and tiring day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cold and rainy and tiring day

I woke up at 0600 to use the bathroom. I was contemplating going back to sleep or not. But my exhaustion took over. Just in case, I set my alarm for 0945 so that I wouldn’t oversleep. I need to catch the 1050 bus to do the things I needed to do today. I woke up with my phone going off and a lot of fricken messages. I had to take my blood pressure pill and there were a lot of T messages saying there were delays, mostly for the buses I take but not the one I needed to be on at 1050, thank goodness. I went downstairs to brush my teeth and wash up a little bit. I really just wanted to crawl back in my bed but I had to see my psych.

I caught the bus. It was drizzling out and fricken cold. I was glad I wore my heavy sweatshirt and jacket. I went to the post office to mail my friend the stuff that got lost in the mail last week. I had bought myself the same things so I just mailed her my supply, which I will reorder next week. I am still pissed the post office sent her a ripped envelope. But it’s my fault for not sending the stuff in a box. I got the box today. It was a little big for the contents but they wouldn’t get lost. It’s insured so if they do lose it, I can get my money back. I then went to Starbucks.

I ordered my drink and when I went to get a seat, Carrie Underwood’s song “something in the water” came on the radio. I love that song. Once it was over and I had my drink and my breakfast sandwich, I played it on my MP3 player. I was listening to my country songs and not really thinking about things, when all of a sudden I did. I thought of my ex-therapist and my father and that combination just saddened me to no end. I thought I was going to cry I hurt so bad. It really sucked and my mood just faltered. I really just wanted to go home and skip my psychiatrist’s appointment but I had already made it this far. I didn’t do any writing, just played on my phone. I didn’t even read Twitter as I was just so upset.

It had sort of stopped raining when I left for the train station. I got there in plenty of time. My psych was late, as usual. We talked about my new therapist and how he was. She wrote down his name. I didn’t tell her about my nephew’s problems. I told her I was nearly crushed by the grief I felt about my former therapist and my father hitting me today. I also told her I have no motivation and need to “force” myself to do things. It just wears me out and I need a nap for a couple of hours every day. We talked about what we were going to do about my father’s anniversary. I still can’t believe he has been gone a year. Seems like only yesterday.

After my appointment, I went to the Square and got my haircut. The barber and I talked the whole time he cut my hair about a whole range of shit. I really love him. I got an awesome cut. He does a real good job so I don’t mind him talking my ear off. I caught the next bus home and as I walked in the door, my cousin called me. I was taking off my AFO and nearly fell. I stepped on the damn thing to keep from falling over, which hurt my foot. I must have taken the damn thing off a million times and this is the first time I trip over it. I just can’t be doing something else when it comes to my feet. Other than my foot being sore, I was okay and I don’t think I damaged the AFO. I am wicked exhausted. I just want my leftover Chinese food for supper and call it a night. I know I am probably going to pay for it tomorrow or tonight but I got nothing that needs doing until Sunday.