Category: suicide

I fired my therapist today, several times

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

It is really hot today and the humidity is killing me, making me really irritable. I only left my room for the usual items: coffee, food, and bathroom. I did manage to go to the bank to make a withdrawal. I am going to ask my Brother in law for some cash because I need my meds. And this month I am short. It’s my own fault because I thought I wouldn’t need groceries. I can never keep it to the minimum of what I need.

Sallie Mae keeps calling me every three hours now. I am going to answer the next time they call and make them look like a fool. If they ask what can I pay them, I will say $10/month. Screw them. I can barely buy groceries and they want $132+ dollars a month? Fuck them.

I talked to my therapist even though I fired her. I wasn’t in a talking mood. She did the SSF to see where I was. I was so out of it I don’t remembered what I answered. Doesn’t matter now. My sister is home so I can’t kill myself even if I really wanted to. There is no way I am killing myself with the potential of my little niece finding me. So I am stuck here, again. And I am not happy about it.

The only good news to report is that my pain levels have shifted downward. I am not in as much pain as I was. I hope this stays this way for the next week because I am out of my pain meds, again. I don’t know what possessed me to have my doc reduce my number of pills. Course, there was a time when I was hardly taking them. I would have pain flares at least twice a month. Now it’s like almost every week. I know it is just to adjust to the temperature. I get that but why does it have to be so painful?

I started a letter, in a word doc, that I thought I would post as a blog. It was for my therapist and her foolish ways about me wanting to live. Anyways, it got a little more personal than I would like and never published it. I might read it to her tomorrow or might password it so she can open it but she isn’t too tech savvy so I am not sure it is worth doing. I might get more aggravated than helped.

Issues around my body came about today. I told her I was ugly and there is no fixing that. She was trying to tell me otherwise but it was falling on deaf ears. I can tell I really want to talk about this because I keep checking the internet and twitter for the past 1/2 hour. So I will just leave it as I am ugly and my therapist is fired because she thinks otherwise.

Dreary Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Dreary Day

It might be 90 degrees outside or hotter, but inside there is nothing but gray skies. My therapist talked me out of killing myself for today. But that is only a deterrent. She said I could put if off till tomorrow. I doubt it. I wasn’t in a talkative mood when I was speaking with her. I had just woken up, haven’t had my coffee, and here she is rambling about what my plans are. I told her today would be perfect. No one would be home. Until it was too late. By then I would be dead and wouldn’t care who saw me.

I took some Ativan to get some sleep. It’s already starting to kick in because I am sleepy anyways. I just can’t stay awake. I wish I took something that sedating but I didn’t. I think I am just tired of being in pain all the time. Even as I am typing this, my ankle is roaring its head. I also took some of my pain medication to quiet it down. I should drink some gin to make the drugs work faster but that might be seen as a real suicide attempt and that is not what it is. I promised my therapist I wouldn’t do any self-harming until we talked tomorrow. The nitwit also has me in the books for Thursday. Oh joy, I get to talk to her 4 times this week all at noon, which is not my best state to talk to people.

I tried canceling on her but she refuses to do so. I hate her. I really want a day without therapy this week. I don’t think that is too much to ask for. So what if I am suicidal.

I still have to figure out how I am going to get my abilify for the month. I am skipping this week to make it last longer but eventually, I will need a refill. But I don’t have the money for it. I am so sick of being broke. And I am supposed to meet up with someone this weekend and I hope we don’t go out to eat some place because I am broke. I shouldn’t have bought more books but I did. I found that I can sell them with my signature and people actually want them more than the regular non-signed ones. So if you would like a signed copy of my book, let me know in the comments and we can work out the details.

I don’t know if I really want to die. I know that I don’t want to live. It’s hard living in a lot of physical pain, every day. I have been in pain for three straight weeks now. And it doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do, my foot or ankle flairs up and then I am done for the day. I think it is because I go down the stairs too much during the day and my foot doesn’t like it.

I really want to get to a pool this summer. I just hope I have swimming trunks that fit. I lot a bit of weight and the ones I had last year were too loose. I am sure they are not going to fit me this year because I lost even more weight. We’ll see. If I ever get the energy to actually go to the pool. I hate basking in the sun. I won’t stay very long. And I definitely won’t be there if it is crowded. I can’t stand crowds.

Rotten day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Rotten day

I woke up early this morning, around 7ish. My foot was killing me. So I took some pain pills and some Ativan to get back to sleep. That was plan anyways. It never happened. Every time I would settle in to finally fall asleep for a nap today, the damn phone went off, usually a phone call. So fucking annoying.

I figured if the pain settled down, I would walk down to the public pool down the street and have a dip. That never happened either. By three, I was hurting again and I needed some more pain meds. I tried settling down again but the stupid phone rang, this time my mother called. She wanted to know what I was cooking for supper. I am not making anything for supper. I just want to sleep because I am in pain. Instead of sympathizing, I got the third degree. All questions started with “Why”. I hung up on her. I got really pissed off. Forget about sleeping now!

I have been keeping track of my blog stats today. Someone has taken an interest and been reading a good chunk. I am happy for that. My stats have been sucking almost as much as my book sales. But I know I will have a lot of readers one day and none the next. So goes the blog world.

I had therapy today. It sucked more than rotting onions. I read her the blog I sent her and she got on her high horse with the transgender issues. I was not in the mood to listen to her. I wish I could put her on mute. She still thinks that going forward with my transgender issues is the answer to my problems. What she doesn’t understand is that it is not going to change my bone structure. I still am going to have the bones of a woman so why bother. I just want to die. She kept asking about my suicidality and I kept ignoring her. I had everything planned out for tomorrow morning but no, she insisted we still have a session tomorrow so that plan is off. I am so sick of living. I really have no interest in talking with her. I just feel so damn low. It’s hard to have a conversation with someone that you normally enjoy when you feel this low. She does allow silences now and again.

Today I was thinking of seeing a new therapist, but then I thought I might scare them with my suicidality and said fuck it. I usually get really down in the summer months. If my journals have anything to share it is that. It starts the beginning of July and ends sometime in October. Happens every single year for as long as I can remember. I get hospitalized more too. Last year, I was hospitalized around this time. I wish I could say it was because of the holiday but it’s not. If I wasn’t meeting up with a friend this weekend, I would definitely be in the hospital now.

spoon shortage

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Spoon shortage

Earlier this week, my mother asked me where our big spoons were. I said I didn’t know, maybe the dishwasher ate them. She wasn’t amused.

It got me thinking about how much I need spoons lately. Just for me to shower and go to the store took more spoons than I realized. Spoons, for those that don’t know or are new to my blog, is a metaphor for energy based on a blog I read years ago. I have posted it here so you can try and understand what I am talking about.

I am in a lot of pain right now. I think I am done for the day and that is too bad because I wanted to see my Australian friend today. He said we would meet up sometime in the afternoon but I still haven’t heard from him. Maybe he is out of spoons, too. He was in a car accident the other day and has whiplash. He was hurting pretty good. Whiplash sucks. I experienced it once and never want to again. Tonight is also my nephew’s birthday party. I don’t know if I will be making an appearance or not. Depends if I can get this pain that I am feeling under control or not.

It sucks being in chronic pain. I haven’t had a break all week. Today was going to be a rest day but I had to shower and then go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I also wanted chocolate. So after my shower, I got dressed and went to the pharmacy. I also did some shopping as my mother wanted pudding. My protein bars were on sale so I grabbed some of those as well. I got home and my mother flipped out on the “junk” I bought. I didn’t say anything to her. I swear sometimes she thinks I uses HER money to buy MY stuff. I don’t. If I want to use my money to buy “junk”, then so be it. Least I didn’t order food like I wanted to. I have been craving Pad Thai but I am doing good and not buying it. I still have to go to the meat market and get my burgers. I also need to learn how to cut up an avocado so I can have it on my burger. I love avocados.

I was feeling some more of the self hate again today. I saw a shadow of me and one of things on my chest and I got really sad. I so want to be flat chested. It’s very distressing to me and I can’t talk to anyone about it. I don’t think I can even talk to my therapist about it because then she wants to “fix” the problem and have me see the people at the gay clinic. I just can’t be bothered with it. I just rather die than deal with it. Even if I could grow facial hair, I still will have breasts. And I doubt testosterone fixes that. It’s really hard for me to talk about. It’s just another thing about self-image that I cannot tolerate. My therapist says I don’t see myself, that the image is not what it is. She is right. I don’t see myself as a man and never will as long as things are the way they are. She just doesn’t get how much it hurts me to the point of wanting to take my life. And if I ever have the opportunity to take it, you know that damn well I will take it.