Category: suicide

Can’t sleep for a lot of reasons

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Can’t sleep for a lot of reasons

I am so tired that I can’t sleep. I have a million things on my mind. It didn’t help that my brother in law pissed me off with his ignorance in medical matters. The idiot thought my father is in acute liver failure. I had to correct him several times. Then he thought that the medication my father has been taking for years has contributed to the kidney failure. He just doesn’t get it. And it’s so painful because he thinks he is right and the world is wrong.

I also have been fighting my suicidal urges for most of the evening. I took 2 mg of Ativan to calm myself down as I am just a wreck. The news of my father being in KIDNEY failure is not sitting well with me. I know that it is going to be down hill after this. He is just going to get worse. I keep praying he goes in his sleep one of these days.

I also took 900 mg of Neurontin because I can’t stand the burning in my ankle/foot anymore. It’s been helping increase my appetite the last few days. I am hoping I can have my favorite breakfast sandwich tomorrow and finish it without a problem.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am nervous about seeing her. I told her today that I think my father is going to die within a week’s time and that hospice has been called. I also told her that I have to put off going in the hospital because my father is closer to dying. I can’t wait for this to be over with. It’s been really tough. My youngest sister is in denial about him dying. She said it “doesn’t make sense”. I don’t know what to say to make it make sense for her. She thinks that my father will bounce back and have the energy he once had. Denial is a powerful thing.

I hate being in pain but especially nerve pain because Neurontin is the only thing that helps with it but it takes hours for it to work. That’s why I took the Ativan to help me sleep. I really felt like taking the rest of the bottle but I didn’t. My psych would have really put me in the hospital if I did, regardless of the situation with my father. I can’t risk being sectioned involuntarily.

I wish I could just lay down and fall asleep. I am going to try in a little bit. Today has been such a hard day and I didn’t need the tangle with my brother in law to get me more upset. I just hope that I don’t wake up at 0400 like I have the past few mornings. That has really disrupted my sleep, not to say I have been sleeping right but it just makes it worse.

I have been slowly gaining interest back with the Sox. They are doing horrible tonight. They have had a few chances to score and blew it. Right now they are scoreless in extra innings, least they were when I last checked.

My Sunday Continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

With the help of my psychiatrist, I was able to avoid being in the hospital for a few days. If I didn’t have commitments over the next few days, I would have gone in. She was talking about short term hospitalization (most hospitalizations are) but I couldn’t do it knowing that I had to babysit tomorrow. There would be no one to watch my niece and I would feel bad.

I haven’t eaten anything all day except for some melon. I am hungry but I’m not. I really just want an Ensure and go to bed. I have a splitting headache. Two ladies in front of me were singing and humming and were so damn off key it was pathetic. It rang through my head like nails on a chalkboard. Then there was a teen that was vomiting. I tried not to listen and he was a quiet vomiter so I didn’t get sick. Eight hours after being there, I finally saw the psychiatrist. She really wanted me inpatient and I think she had her heart set on it but I didn’t. I wasn’t in a suicidal state. I just needed an understanding ear, which I got with the doc. I know I could have paged my psychiatrist and talked but I really wanted to be in an environment that wasn’t my room. And believe me it was tempting to say yes but I had to decline. I do have to see my psychiatrist on Wed. I feel really bad now because she said she had a jam packed schedule. I know it’s the depression talking. I really understand her worry for me but I think I am okay now. I spent eight hours in an ER that was for me, though I had memories of being with my father there. In fact, I was across from the bay where my father was where I poked him after he wanted to leave AMA the last time he was there.

The place was busy as is usual for an academic hospital center. I swear more people were piling in as the hours went on than when I first came to the area I was. It was all open so you could hear all the talk. This one had a kidney stone, that one had an infection, some were psych patients waiting to be admitted. I found out one psych patient on Friday had pulled the sprinkler off and flooded the psych ER. That was why they were in a different area and more security was around. I think it was funny as the nurses were describing it but it isn’t really. Now the psych patients are in with the general ER and it can be quite disturbing.

I was glad that I was discharged after seeing the attending psychiatrist. It was quick and I was happy. The nurse gave me a ginger ale as I requested some juice or something as I could feel my own blood sugar plummet. I was starting to get the shakes and I feared I would get a dizzy spell. That would be all I needed was to pass out in the ER after I said I was okay to go home.

Now I got to fill in my pill box for the week. I still have my bag packed in case I go in next week. I think my father might have just a week or so left in him from what I hear from my sister. He really is deteriorating quickly. I feel so bad and sad. But it would really kill me if he died while I am in the hospital. I know that I need to be there to take care of myself but I have to put myself aside for the moment.

Saturday Blog 47

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 47

I have been feeling uneasy all day. I have been contemplating going to the ER for an eval, just for shits and giggles. But seriously, I just want to talk to someone neutral about what is going on and if I truly need to be in the hospital or just continue struggling as an outpatient. I was so torn that I decided to use a crisis hotline text chat to see if they could help. They gave me a support website for groups. I will check it out later. I felt better about talking with them about my father dying and it being hard to deal with. I also been talking about my suicidal urges that have been cropping up the last 24 hours. I just feel like I have to do something and I don’t know what that something is. Waiting for my father to die is not something I am looking forward to. I know it is going to happen but dammit. If I had a time frame, that would be fucking great. Like say he is going to die on x day at this time, then I can plan my hospitalization around that and things would be better. But life doesn’t work like that. I don’t even think my father knows he is dying because he is trying so hard to make it so he can go home. I don’t think he is going to go home, unless he doesn’t get state health care because we can’t afford to keep him in the nursing home at around $100/day.

I got some more Ensure because I was out. I still am not eating regularly. Coffee was my breakfast and a muffin with some fruit was my lunch. I have no idea if I am going to eat dinner. I have no appetite so an Ensure might be my dinner.

I don’t think my sister is going to visit my father today. She is already out and about doing things. She might be too tired to go. I don’t mind not going. I really find it hard seeing my father the way he is. Because his liver is damaged and is continuing to be, his body is producing ammonia more than usual. This is making him confused and sleepy. And he isn’t taking the medication used to bring the ammonia levels down because it’s a thick fluid and I think it tastes gross for him. I don’t know what it tastes like as I don’t have liver problems. Least I hope I never do.

The hard part for me is that I don’t think anybody has told my father that he is dying. I know my sisters haven’t told him and I am sure no medical professional has either. And what kills me is that they are giving him PT and OT to help him go back home when he is getting weaker and weaker. How is he supposed to go home when he is at risk for falling? Just getting him to the bathroom the other day was an ordeal. He almost fell backwards because he lost his balance while pulling up his pants. I just don’t get it. Then he was too tired to do anything else when we got him back to bed. Just changing him to his pajamas was tiring for him. And I think I am tired after taking a shower. The poor guy was ready to pass out he was so exhausted. It really killed me seeing him like this. And I know that it’s only going to get worse with time.

Because of his weakness and fatigue, I don’t think he will be a candidate for surgery for his other problem that he so desperately wants to take care of. And I think he might be dead before the appointment happens. I think I am the only one being the realist in the family about this. Sure we have made plans with the funeral home for his death but since we aren’t sure when he is going to die, it’s just putting more of a burden on us than we realize.

In the meantime, I am struggling with the black dog and suicidal feelings left and right. I know I should be in the hospital if anything for self-care, but I can’t take a chance that my father will die while I am there and it will just break my heart for that to happen. I want to be there when he dies, though I am still hoping he dies in his sleep.

why do I keep fighting?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Why do I keep fighting?

I woke up from my nap. My pain level was the same. My mood was shifted a little bit but still dreary. And I just keep asking myself, why do I keep fighting the urge to end things when it’s so damn prominent. I again wanted to take a bottle of pills today. I thought about calling my psychiatrist. I thought of texting a hotline. I texted my therapist with no hope of her returning my text. I don’t know why I bother. She says she wants to be kept in the loop. What good is that if I feel suicidal and she doesn’t get back to me? Not a good system, if you ask me.

I didn’t do anything except listen to music. I read for a little while but then I couldn’t go back to it. My attention span for reading just wasn’t there. I haven’t finished a book in a while. I think February was the last time I did so.

I could have called my psychiatrist. I was afraid she would try and convince me to go to the hospital and I didn’t want to say no to her as I was feeling so crappy. I also didn’t want to argue with her. Most of the arguing was already in my head. I hate feeling this way. Now it’s late at night and I still feel like taking some pills. Why should I fight it? I can still call my psych but I really don’t want to bother her. Thing is, I would have to page her and my paging success haven’t been to successful in the past. There used to be a number that I had that you would get a person to page her but I have lost the number. I just have a paging system number that I don’t even know if it still works. I know if it goes through, she will call me back when she can.

What am I fighting for exactly? Why don’t I just give in to what I feel is right? Ending my life is what I want. I am tired of being in pain, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I am so tired of dealing with pain and today was not the worst day but when you get hit with psychache, nothing else matters except killing yourself.

I want to give in so bad. I don’t know why I haven’t. I guess I am afraid that I won’t succeed, that I will be a failure that I know I am. If I had a beam or a gun, things would be different. You just can’t trust pills.