Tag: back pain

sad and busy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sad day

My uncle passed away today. It was expected as he was slowly declining in health the past month or so. We thought there would be a chance he could breathe on his own after the machine was stopped but it was a very short time. I am glad he isn’t suffering anymore. I kind of feel like I did when my father passed away, nothing at all. I am sure next week will be tough, what ever the funeral arrangements will be.

I went grocery shopping for my mother and I, though it was more her stuff than I bought. After standing at the deli and getting what I needed, I just wanted to leave, except there was more stuff I had to get. I wasn’t familiar with the store so I kept having to walk around to find the aisle that I needed the stuff. Then I waited in line for like 20 minutes. A lady in front of me kept dividing her cart, some on the belt and then into another cart of things she didn’t want. I was so pissed. Then I found I couldn’t use my food stamps card because I didn’t know the pin number. I felt like a moron. I had three bags of stuff that I lugged up the stairs after my sister took me home. My back and ankle were killing me. I put the stuff away and then put dinner in the oven. I went upstairs to change to my PJs, carefully as anything rubbing against my foot hurt.

I sat on my bed and didn’t want to move anymore. But then my sister called for me and told me the news about my uncle. By that time, the pot pie in the oven was done so I fixed a plate for my mother and I. I told my mother there was no way I could do the dishes and that my sister would do them. She gave me a look and said there was only a few to do. I said I couldn’t stand anymore. So she did them.

My brother in law came up to fix the door for our washer/dryer area. I stood on my tippy toes to move a piece on the tracking mechanism and it fell behind the washer. I threw out my back. I am in so much pain. I wish I didn’t have to go out tomorrow but I need to see my psychiatrist as we got stuff to talk about.

PT Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

PT blog,

I had PT today and she is really good. We talked about things like flares, positions that set off pain, etc. Today we talked about desensitization. She wants me to put something soft, like a pillow case or cotton ball on the areas of my foot/ankle that are problematic. I only put it on for a few seconds before moving on to another area. I go up and down, where I hurt and where I don’t and then move on to something else, like the smoothness of a plastic pen. She was really specific with me. I told her the area that I would have trouble reaching due to my range of motion due to my back injury and she said I could skip it for now. The next thing to move on after these items was a towel as that is a rougher surface. After I get used to this kind of touching (you need to do it, not someone else), the next step is to depress the item for a few seconds. If it causes you more pain or flare ups, DON’T DO IT! She stressed that for me.

She also went over the results of the Recognise app (found on Android/iPhone). It is a paid app but worth it. She said that at this point my brain needs to be retrained to distinguish my left and right. At first I didn’t do well as I thought I would for the basic test. I got better and she showed me how to change the parameters as I find it easy. It is a cool app and when I am bored I use it as well as a few other times a day as my homework. I strongly advise getting this.

I brought up some issues that I like to do, like standing more for 10 minutes in the shower or being able to make a small meal, like pancakes, without having to sit every few minutes. We went over my back injury and she wants to help with that. I cringed as anything to do with back exercises don’t usually work for me because it seems like I work on one set of muscles and another set goes off in rebellion. So either way I am in pain.

We decided to work once a week and if I need a break, that is okay too. I see her till mid November. I’ll let you know how it goes.

going fucking nuts in my own house

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Going fucking nuts in my own house

Since last night, I have been keeping an ear open for my mother should she need me. I was up half the night in pain so that kind of made it easier. I knew I would be as even though I wasn’t on my feet a lot, I wasn’t elevated my leg like I normally would be on a Sunday. I finally got to sleep between 0230 and 0300. I woke up around 0700. I checked on my mother and she was still sleeping. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I just paid some bills as my check came in and ordered groceries.

I tried to go back to sleep after that but no go. I then got hungry so I went downstairs. My mother had already got up and made herself breakfast. I was waiting for my aunt to come over the house to let her in. I made my breakfast and was finishing up when she called me. It’s been a nuthouse since. My aunt likes to “yell” talk but she does it in an excited way that makes you think she is yelling at you. This is how she talks to my mother and when my mother argues with her, which has been happening all day, she yells louder.

I ordered a steak tip dinner for lunch and she gave me a look like it was the rottenest thing in the world that I did. Then my cousin, who sees me come up the stairs and in the kitchen says “oh I thought you weren’t getting around too good”. It was the first time in more than a week I’ve been out of my bed. I’m in pain and the shower I took hurt my back terribly. He doesn’t care though, only when he needs me to bring up my mother’s shopping. As I was having lunch, my mother and aunt were watching some program, together, and she is saying look at that, look at that in her loud voice. WTF are you kidding me? My mother isn’t more than 2 feet away from you and is watching the same damn show on the same television so of course she is seeing what you are you idiot!! I wish I didn’t change my therapy appt for this afternoon. I would have left the house to this nut.

I got to find the envelope that holds my insurance payment from my benefits office. I need to call them to see if they are still going to carry Caremark for their prescription service as it now affects me. Open benefits will be happening soon so they may change. If they are keeping it, I need to call my insurance and see if their new policy of opioids is going to give me a headache in the new year. It’s really stressing me out because if I can’t get my pain meds, I am screwed. And when the new year starts, I will have to pay for my meds. I don’t want to pay double for my pain meds because it started a new policy that is completely bullshit.

Crap. The PT place just called me back after playing phone tag. The good news is I have an appt tomorrow. Bad news is that it is now in an area where my father was living in so it’s bringing up all sorts of memories. I’m not sure what they are going to do to help me or if therapy can help me, if going to that area is right for me. It is a ways from the station. I’ll have to get off at the Stop and Shop stop and then walk from there as I’m not sure there is a bus that goes by there. When I left my father’s apartment for the last time, I never thought I would go near that area or train station or have to take that bus ever again. Hope I’m not triggered too badly tomorrow.

same shit different cold bleak day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Same shit different cold bleak day

I woke up around 6 and didn’t feel well. My back and ankle were hurting pretty bad. I took some meds and played with my phone. It was too early to go anywhere and I didn’t want to spend all day at Starbucks. My psych had moved the appt up to noon. It was raining out and windy. Jose was blearing. I went to lie down for a few hours before I had to catch the bus. That is when my back gave out and I just said fuck it, I’m not leaving the house. I emailed my psych and canceled the appt.

I’ve been sleeping on and off all day. My mother called around supper time but she made something I didn’t like and then got mad that I wasn’t going to eat it. Whatever. I didn’t want to move. I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I really wasn’t hungry. My mood was in the abyss and I didn’t care if it stayed there or not. I thought about killing myself at least a hundred times. Thing was, I couldn’t move too good with my back hurting so trying to end it today just wasn’t going to happen. That just made me more depressed.

I must have chewed the inside of my cheek while sleeping because it’s really sore. I’m feeling kind of irritable. My mood just sucks. I feel like I am on a lethal path. I just want to sleep.