Tag: bipolar disorder

solemn Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Solemn Saturday

I woke up before 0500 in pain. I took some pain meds and then set my alarm so I could go to the barber’s early to fix the back of my head. I fell back to sleep and when the alarm sounded. I shut it off but didn’t get up. I slept for 45 minutes and then got ready. It was already humid out and I was dreading it because I had to wear pants in this heat. I found a button down shirt in my office and grabbed a tie. I had to go to a wake after I got my haircut.

I left with time to spare and as I was at the bus stop, I pulled out my wireless headset. I should have stood up but I didn’t and one of the sides came undone. Dammit. I had to go back to the house to get my wired set. I was hoping to fix it but I couldn’t because the screw prevented me from putting it back into place and I didn’t want the wire to get undone.

The bus came and I went to the barber’s first before Starbucks. He fixed my head and trimmed the top. He cut the price as I saw him last week. I just gave him a bigger tip. I went to Starbucks and had my espresso and a sandwich. I still had plenty of time before the wake was supposed to happen. I was going to take the train but then I thought one of the buses in the Square would take me to the green line and I could connect to the blue line easier than going from red to orange to blue.

I was still really early by at least an hour and I just rode the train from one end of the line to the other until it was time to get off. I walked to the funeral home and the voices started harping on me like I didn’t know where I was going. I grew up in this town so was very familiar with the lay out. However, I am used to the starting point being the house I grew up in so it took me a while to get my bearings. The voices kept on doubting my judgement. I was getting so aggravated. Some stores and stuff had changed in the 25 years since I was in that area. I saw my elementary school and once I did, I knew where I was and where the street to the home would be.

I was sweating pretty good by the time I got there. My friend’s mother was appreciative that I came. I had known her when I was a teen as she did some workshop with the youth network I was involved in. I said hello to my friend and offered my condolences. I saw his wife, who was another friend of mine and said hello. I saw their beautiful daughter but she didn’t know me so I didn’t say anything to her. It was sad and my friend’s mother was very upset. I guess it wasn’t a planned death, the hardest kind. I had known my father was going to die. It was just a matter of time and so I had time to prepare. As I left I told them if they needed anything, they knew where to find me (FB).

I left and stopped at a gas station to get a bottle of water. I was so parched in the heat. By the time I got within a block of the train station, my foot exploded. Fuck and I wasn’t anywhere near home. I didn’t take any pain meds with me. I just didn’t think. So I hobbled to the station and the train came soon as I walked in. Score. The same thing happened on my connecting train home. I had to wait for the bus though. My feet were not happy.

I came home and hit the shower. I was soaked. Everything went in the hamper. I don’t think anything was dry. The shower was so refreshing. My feet didn’t like it but I didn’t care. I took some pain meds when I got up to my room. I have been keeping a spreadsheet on my phone on how many pills I take a day and it was 12 hours since my last dose. I waited a little bit for it to work before making something to eat. I was hungry but I wasn’t. I decided to make hot dogs rather than to order out.

After dinner, I fixed my Bluetooth headset. I was grateful it wasn’t broken and I needed to get another one. This one is pretty good with stand-by time and length of use. Only thing that sucks is that it takes a full 2 hours to charge but it’s worth it. I generally use my powered USB port so I can charge it and not have to be on the laptop to do it.

wake up tired and try again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wake up tired and try again

Voices have started while I was cleaning up after dinner. I was going to respond to them, but my mother was in the kitchen so I couldn’t. Thank god I held my tongue, which is really hard thing to do when you are hearing voices. The music was going on as well and for a minute or two, I could have sworn it was entertaining the voices.

I guess the stress of finding a lump and not knowing what it could be was more than I thought it was. I am really tired from going out to my appointment and being in pain. Now I am listening to an Eric Church song on repeat because I find it soothing and keeps the stuff in my head quiet. I can concentrate.

I emailed my psych to let her know I took a PRN of trilafon to help the voices. If that doesn’t work, I will take an Ativan. If that doesn’t work, I have her on speed dial. I don’t know if she will get the email tonight or not. For some reason my computer is slow and it’s annoying the fuck out of me. Ever since I got the new modem, my Twitter tweets haven’t been refreshing like they did before and Facebook shows the last four days of stuff instead of today.

Sox are losing right now so I am not going to follow the game. I can’t listen to it because the voices will come back. Least the cacophony of music has stopped. I like listening to just one song because it forces my brain to focus on one thing. The song I am listening to is called Mixed Drinks about Feelings. I kind of wish I had some whiskey but that is ok. I can’t drink with my pain meds anyway. It would be too dangerous, not that I am a drinker anyways. I did and still do like a shot every now and then.

My pillow is calling me so I think I will call it a night and hope that a trip to the ER doesn’t happen this weekend. I found yesterday that a childhood friend lost his father yesterday. The wake is tomorrow. I’m not sure if I will be going as it’s in my hometown and I am not sure I can walk in this heat. I will need a haircut as I fucked up my hair shaving my head. Still haven’t mastered it. I will though, one of these days.

relieved and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Relieved and other things

I had a difficult morning waking up. My sister, who is still in Italy, called me this morning, waking me up. She wanted to talk to my mother. I told her she had already left for my Aunt’s house and wasn’t home. I fell back to sleep until my mother called me. It was good that she did because I needed to be up. She wanted some antibiotic ointment and I told her I would get it today.

I went to Starbucks and had a sandwich with my espresso. I wrote in my journal until it was time to leave. I went to CVS to get my mother the ointment. I wanted to get my T pass at the station but the line was too long. I decided to get it as I got off my stop.

I was early for my appointment. I wore light shorts so I could be weighed. I lost 6 pounds since my last weigh in, which was at least a few months ago. I felt good about that. The resident saw me and then after she felt the lump, quickly left for the attending, which made me nervous. She didn’t say anything good or bad, just left in a hurry. My doc came in and examined me. He said it was just fat, a lipoma, which is nothing to worry about unless it grows. I felt so relieved I almost left my bag behind! I left the office and made my way to the station.

It was really muggy once I left the AC’d hospital. I was sweating by the time I walked to the station. I emailed my psych to let her know what my doc had found. I also let one of my friends know and she was relieved as well.

I came home and it was just in time for my bowels to unleash. Another minute and it would have been in my pants. I asked my mother if she wanted Chinese food for supper and she did. I bought it from my favorite places, though they were skimpy on the fried rice. It was good, though I wasn’t a fan of their lo mein. It tasted funny.

My mother asked me to change her bandages. She had pustules on her legs, at least a half dozen of them. I hope the antibiotic ointment helps her. I told her if it doesn’t get better to go back to the doctor. She waved me off like I didn’t know what I was talking about. You can’t tell my mother nothing these days.

I felt like getting an iced coffee at Starbucks while I was waiting for the bus. I didn’t get it. Now I wished I did. I am so sleepy and it’s too early to take my night meds and go to sleep. I hate humid weather as it just makes me sleepy. It’s really hot in the house and I don’t want to make coffee like I did last night. Just having dinner, I was sweating. I don’t know how my mother can stand the heat. It drives me nuts.

While I was cleaning up after dinner, I started hearing voices on top of the music in my head. I had to catch myself from speaking to them as my mother was still in the kitchen. I took an extra trilafon to try and quiet them down. I don’t need an incident like last year. Hard to believe that I have been on trilafon for almost a full year now. I hope the extra med helps and doesn’t lead to worsening of voices, than my normal ones. I think the stress of the day caused it and I should be fine tomorrow, I hope. Just wish the damn music in my head would stop.

a day of sleep II

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A day of sleep

I didn’t go to sleep till around 0400. Pain had been keeping me up. It was the same deal, dealing with different types of pain severity for most of the night. I tried my best not to panic but I ended up having a pain anxiety attack anyways. Around 0330, I took an Ativan and that finally knocked me out.

I had set my alarm so I would call my PCP’s office for an appointment. Yesterday while showering, I found a lump on my side. I think it’s just fat but I want to be sure. I fell back to sleep until around 11 or so. My brother in law called and wanted me to let a service guy in to look at his fridge. I spent nearly an hour waiting for the guy to figure out what was wrong. He spent most of the time calling his office to find out what to do. Unreal. He needs to order a part and I told him to call my brother in law to set up another appt to install it.

I went to the bathroom and looked at the time. I wanted coffee but I just missed the bus. I called my PCP’s office and he didn’t have any opening till Sept. Just great. I had them pass the information to his nurse and was just about to go back to sleep when she called. I will be seeing one of his residents tomorrow afternoon. Not what I wanted but oh well. It is better than waiting until Sept.

My mother called when I again was drifting off to sleep. I told her I wasn’t going out as I didn’t go to sleep until 4. When I did finally wake up, I made a burger and had a nectarine. I was contemplating making coffee, and I did so anyway. I just won’t have the full cup as I don’t want to be up all night again. I was dreaming of coffee before I woke up. Weird, I never dreamed about it before.

One of my teeth on my left side is hurting me today. I hope there isn’t a cavity there. I don’t get my cavities filled until the 13th of July. I will have the dentist look at it, if it is still hurting by then. I hate toothaches.

As I couldn’t sleep, I did some retail therapy. I bought another charger for my phone so I can charge it when I am downstairs. I also bought a portable charger to take with me as my phone’s battery is not lasting as long anymore. I’m lucky to get 8 hours between charges. Ever since they did the system upgrade, something has been eating my battery power and their “power saving” app doesn’t allow certain apps to run, at all, like my email and Twitter. It kind of freezes the phone which sucks.

It’s really muggy today. I have the AC going to cool my room off. I made the mistake of turning it off before falling into a deep sleep and when I woke up I was sweating. My room was really stuffy. I hated it. I quickly turned it back on.

I had wanted to make a dessert today but that isn’t going to happen. I might make it on Saturday. I was watching the video for it. I think I bought too much cool whip for the dessert, but we’ll see. I know my mother won’t have it because it’s really sweet as it is made with powdered sugar. The good thing is that there is no baking in the oven, just refrigerating. I can’t wait to try it. Maybe this weekend I will thaw out the ground beef and make my dirty gravy, that is, if the weather isn’t too hot.