Tag: bipolar disorder

Jar of Frosting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Jar of Frosting

The other day I made pumpkin cupcakes, with the hope of taking them to my therapist today. I have half a jar of cream cheese frosting left over. I think I am going to have it for a snack, along with the cupcakes. I feel totally miserable. My back is still out for whatever reason. And what is worse, is I am out of my regular pain meds. I was supposed to call today to have the appointment moved to Friday as next Tuesday is no good. But after therapy, I just went back to sleep and didn’t get up again until my mother called me for dinner.

I didn’t do anything today. I just rested my back. My sister is going to pick up my prescription at walgreens. I couldn’t go today because I could barely stand up straight, let alone walk to the store and back. I really hate the temperature changes and I know my back is out because it was 70 degrees yesterday and 50 today.

I got the refund from Zipcar for my cancelation. I plan on getting another Zipcar next week so I can see my therapist. I hope to make her the pumpkin fluff I want to try. I just need to get vanilla pudding. I have been feeling paranoid lately so I have been trying to take the trilafon a little more regularly. I forgot to take it this afternoon when I was on the phone with my therapist. I just took it now after dinner, along with three Aleve to see if that helps my back any. The other NSAID that I take doesn’t really help me at all. I have stopped using it. I wish Ketoprofen still worked for me. It worked really well for a while and then stopped for whatever reason. It was really good for back pain.

My therapist talked a lot about food today, even without me bringing it up. I thought it was strange. She felt bad that I didn’t see her today but she understood. I told her I didn’t get much sleep last night because of pain. I don’t think I went to sleep till around 5 and then I woke up around a half hour later to pee. I also was hungry so I had some cupcakes. Then I went back to sleep until my damn mother called me wanting me to put something in the freezer. I was so out of it, I don’t even remember what she wanted me to place in the freezer. Luckily, I woke up a half hour before my therapy appointment.

I told her about the CBT. She is supportive about it and hope that it helps. I told her flat out that it’s my last hope, which I also emailed my psychiatrist at god knows what time in the morning. I know I wrote a blog in the middle of the night to help me sleep. Pain was causing me such havoc. It was more so with my ankle than with my back. My therapist wanted to know why I chose that form of therapy and I told her the research supports it. I found a long PDF about chronic pain and CBT but I couldn’t read it as it was late and I hate reading PDF’s from the computer screen. It was 124 pages so I didn’t want to print it out. I will try reading it later today, if I am up for it. I am still sleepy.

I told her our schedule might have to change when this resident calls me. I don’t know what the availability is. I am hoping it is a day that I don’t have therapy. But we’ll see. I told her I will stress that I want this for chronic pain and not depression. If this resident doesn’t do chronic pain CBT then I will have to look elsewhere, though it will be another setback.

in Super Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In super pain

I took three of my regular pain meds for my back pain. Within 45 minutes, I began to feel sleepy but I didn’t finish my blog yet so I fought off the sleepiness for a little while. I had to do a couple things on my feet like put my finished powerade bottle in the recycle, shut off the big light and get another powerade bottle to put it by my bed. After all that, my ankle said thank you by exploding in pain. It was driving me to be suicidal so I took a strong pain pill. I have one left and that isn’t going to get me through the month. I wish Walgreens would hurry up with their asking my doc if it is okay that I take my regular pain meds and my strong one. It’s from the same damn office so I don’t know why there is a problem every time I try to get it filled. Drives me fucking nuts. I meant to call them today to hurry them up but I forgot. I will call tomorrow.

Being in this kind of pain just makes me wicked suicidal. If I could walk to where my stash of lethal pills are, I would probably take them. But I don’t want to kill myself in my house. I don’t want a family member finding me. So I have to hold off the suicidal feelings. I hate being in this much pain. It’s a 12 on a scale of 1-10. I really hope that the CBT works for me. I am kind of scared. There is a book that is made specifically for chronic pain and CBT so I am going to get it on my next pay check. This will be the 3rd book I will have purchased for cognitive therapy. I hope I can get something out of it.

I am writing as a means of distracting while I am waiting for the strong pain pill to work. I took it an hour ago so it should be kicking in soon. I thought I was having some relief until I moved my ankle. Bad move. I know if I lie down, I am going to be in more pain so I am just sitting up waiting for pain meds to work. Some life I lead. I can’t even enjoy going out to meet some friends anymore. My life is pathetic. It’s kind of my fault because today should have been a “rest” day because I baked yesterday. I keep pushing the envelope and it’s pushing back, harder than I can take. If I don’t take rest days, I am just messed up and in pain more than I would like and it’s harder to control. That’s why I sadly decided not to see my therapist later today. I hated cancelling but I need to start taking better care of myself. Being in pain all the time is tiring and is causing me to be wicked suicidal at times.

Times like this, I really want to put my date back on the table because I can’t imagine living life like this anymore. But I really want to give this CBT stuff a try and hope for the best. I also need to honestly give it a try even though it might be hard to give up the preconceptions that I have about it. Until then, I have to stick around, even though I am fighting an uphill battle. I feel like I am doing this alone but I know that I have my blog readers behind me and that is a huge comfort to me. Thank you for reading and encouraging me.

Some good news and not so good

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Some good news and not so good

I went out with friends tonight. It was good but the bad news is my back went out on me even before I left Boston. I couldn’t stand up straight to save my life. Bad news for someone with back trouble. As the night went on, the pain got worse. I basically had to crawl home, which I didn’t not like at all. But it was good seeing my friends and the kids which continue to grow a few feet every time I see them. They already are taller than I am, which is nothing new.

The really good news came today in regards to the CBT counselor. The intake person called me today during therapy, which I will get to in a few. I called back after therapy and I will be meeting a resident for the sessions. The resident should call me sometime this week to set up an appointment, otherwise, I have to wait until December and there is no way I can wait that long. So my date is off the table, for now.

I haven’t told my therapist this, at all. I didn’t want to give her hopes up nor mine. I was really thinking that my suicidal past was going to keep me from going to see someone. Once they find out I have a therapist, I am not sure how it is going to fly. I know it will have to be on days that I am not having my therapy, otherwise my insurance won’t cover both services. I hope the type of CBT that I will have is centered on pain and not depression. I know what is involved with the CBT stuff and depression and that isn’t something I want to go through. I had one session over 20 years ago and it didn’t go too well. I believe that it does help some people, but I am not some people. I need something to help me manage my pain better. If not then there is not point in seeing someone and I will make that very clear to the resident.

My therapist was giving me a song and dance today about how I should still be around. She is the only therapist that I know that doesn’t talk about hospitalizations when suicide is present. She will if it comes to it but she kind of knows I won’t go for it unless I bring it up and then she is for it. But lately, I been finding the hospital to be more trouble than it’s worth. Even their discharge papers they have sent my therapist have shown they are confused about the kind of care that I need and how to address my transgender. One paragraph had “her”, then next had “him” or “he” in it. It was ridiculous. And this is the leader in the psychiatry field, not some shmuck hospital.

She really doesn’t want me to end my life, obviously. She keeps saying that if I die, I will be breaking “us” up. I don’t really know what that means. It has me wicked confused. I feel like I have been put in a relationship status of some kind and I had no idea about it. The more she says it, the more I want to run away from her, and fast.

After I found out about the CBT stuff, I planned out how I was going to tell my therapist as I would be seeing her in person tomorrow. However, those plans have changed as my back is at less than 50%. I am not going to stress walking to the car and then having to worry about an hour’s drive to and back. I’ll just be out the rest of the week and that won’t be good. But I set my clock for 0645 tomorrow. If I am not in any pain, I will keep the Zipcar reservation. If I am in pain, I will cancel it. I have until 0730 to cancel.

My therapist really wants to see me tomorrow. I really want to see her too, but it might not be possible. I really want to give her the cupcakes I made. If I don’t see her, that means they will be all mine and that isn’t a good thing. I might be able to pawn them off to my brother in law but I know he won’t have more than one or two. If I cancel the zipcar, I will just schedule it for another day next week. The cupcakes won’t be good but I can always whip up another cake for her. I really like the cake better than the cupcakes anyway. But then, I am a cake person.

Baking Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Baking Sunday

I reluctantly got up this afternoon because I had to bake and mostly, I had to eat something. After I ate, I started baking. The recipe was easy enough. Though I realize I suck at making cupcakes. Even though I let them cool in the fridge for a while, they still stuck to the paper so you got half of the cake. Oh well. They came out good. I just need to frost them. They didn’t come out like the picture. I can never get it to be as perfect as the picture. I am just not that talented.

After I baked, I was really tired. I retreated back to my room and slept for two hours or so. Both my teams lost today. I am not happy about that. Today was the last game for regular season and I didn’t even watch it. I just watched the last of the 9th inning where they lost. They couldn’t get a hit to save themselves.

I keep thinking about my appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I have a feeling it is going to go badly. She doesn’t understand anything about my suicidality. We are just going to have a go round of guilt trips on why I should stay here. It’s going to be emotional and I am not going to like it.

I’ve been in a bad mood for most of the day. I almost told someone Twitter off because she was just being annoying. I thought about joining BPD chat but the topic didn’t interest me. So I just slept. I thought my mother would call me when dinner was ready but she didn’t. That was fine because she really ticked me off. I was explaining about how the directions to the cupcakes said to let them cool in the fridge for 30 minutes and she was just blowing me off, like duh, you are supposed to cool them off. She annoys me all the time whenever I bake. Then she yelled at me for leaving the dirty dishes in the sink. I was going to clean up but apparently I didn’t do it fast enough. So excuse me. She just annoys me.

I haven’t filled my pill box for the week yet. I’ll do it soon enough. I hate filling it because I am on my feet for more than a few minutes. But once it’s done, it’s done. I’ll probably be going to bed soon after I fill it. My psychiatrist wanted me to read a book by Oliver Sacks and I started it last night. I am not amused. I am not finding it interesting and I usually do find clinical type stories interesting. It must be my mood. Lately, nothing has been holding my interest. I don’t want to do anything. Everything takes so much effort.

Tomorrow night I am supposed to go out with friends for dinner south of Boston. I have been sort of looking forward to it most of the month. It’s usually a fun night. I put on my façade that everything is fine and hunky dory. I will be wearing my brace because I can’t trust my ankle anymore and there will be a lot of walking to be done.