Tag: bipolar disorder

My new toy has arrived

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

My new toy has arrived

My second arrival of toys arrived today. I got the Kindle Fire and accessories for it. It took me a while to figure out how to use it as after I downloaded my Dostoevsky book, the setting were white and I wanted the screen black like my tablet. I had to ask Google for help. I have it charging now so I can read it later tonight. My new pen won’t arrive until Tuesday. I am not happy about this. It’s taking a tour of Massachusetts. FYI to those that ship, don’t use the UPS to US mail option ever or you might not get your package to its destination when you are expecting it. I have had nothing but problems with it from the companies I deal with it, especially with my medication. It’s like a crap shoot.

I am not a good screen protector applier. I got quite a few bubbles on my screen. But I don’t care. I am not perfect so why should the screen be. I did try to get the bigger bubbles out, which I did do.

I didn’t sleep well last night. Despite going to bed after 0130, I woke up at around 0530 and fount it hard to go back to sleep. I did wake up briefly around 1015 when my app went off telling me it was time to take my BP pills. But I fell back to sleep and didn’t fully wake up till around noon. I took my pills and made coffee. I had a couple of cereal bars for breakfast and just had lunch of a salami and cheese sandwich. I only made a half a sandwich because I wasn’t that hungry.

I feel a lot calmer today than I was yesterday. My pdoc hasn’t emailed me which is good because I really don’t feel like talking to her. I still am mad at Walgreens for delaying my receiving medication. But I am glad in the end I did get my pills or there would have been hell to pay. I just wish I got some decent sleep. I need to take a shower sometime today. I have been neglecting it for a few days now. Last time I showered was Monday morning.

While I was at Walgreens, I wanted to get some Oreo Thins. I had bought them on sale last week at like $2 something. Now their regular price is $5.49. No thank you. I will get them at Stop and Shop. I have to put in a grocery order this week because I am running low on my goodies. It’s kind of fun because I get the food I like and my mother buys the food she likes. Usually, I will eat what she makes because the food she buys, I do like as well. But she won’t buy the cereal I like or other stuff. I just found out my Ben and Jerry’s ice cream has gone up in price. It’s almost $6 for a pint! WTH! I will get it when it’s on sale. I really love the ice cream but will only splurge when I am really in the mood for it. I did buy ribs again because I haven’t had them in a while. They are expensive but they are premade and all you have to do is make sides, heat them up, and boom, you have dinner. Which reminds me, I should buy cole slaw. I think it’s funny my mother likes cabbage but doesn’t like cole slaw.

I just set up my email on my Fire. I am not sure how I am going to use it because my phone does most of the things I like to do, except when I write my blogs. I could write blogs from my phone but I like writing them in a word doc first before posting them. It’s just easier to correct mistakes and I don’t have to worry about autocorrect correcting “us” for “is”. I don’t know why it does that but it does. Drives me crazy.

Psychotic Depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Psychotic depression

My pdoc said that grief can bring on many things. I guess I am at the phase where it’s bring on psychosis because I am vulnerable to it. For the past three days I have been experiencing increase in voices and paranoia as well as delusions. It was set off by the shooting in Orlando and then when my therapist didn’t agree with me, it intensified. I stopped taking my antipsychotic meds, though today I needed my PRN trilafon to get me through the paranoia. I can handle the voices. I just cannot stand the paranoia and agitation that goes with it.

I don’t know how long this will last. Usually, it will mean a psych hospitalization to get my symptoms under control again, which will mean going back on the med that I am not taking. I am being very risky. Voices can be very hard to control once they get out of control. I know this from past experience. But I don’t care this time. I don’t trust anyone. And after the mishap in the pharmacy, I am not really trusting my psychiatrist anymore. She wants me to follow up with her. I will in three weeks when I see her again.

I feel like I am being watched all the time. Strangers are the worse because I think they are following me or trying to listen in on the conversation I am having with the voices. I see my therapist on Tuesday in person. I also see her Wednesday in person. She doesn’t know this yet. I have arranged it because I miss her and I would like to see her like old times. Trouble is that she doesn’t like it when I am psychotic. I don’t think she gets it. My psychiatrist gets it more than my therapist does. I just know I don’t want to be on the meds anymore. I will take my other meds just not the abilify.

I really needed someone to talk to tonight. My cousin was supposed to call me but never did. I can’t count on him for nothing anymore. He doesn’t want to listen to me like he used to. I am very sad at this. The one person that understands is abandoning me. But it’s typical of my family. They say they will be there for you but when that time come to be there, they have other plans. It’s so rough. I know I have blogger friends I can talk to. But it’s not the same as family.

I feel so frustrated by today’s events. It shouldn’t have happened. The pharmacist should have filled my prescription and not try to play like they were doctors that knew better. It wasn’t a big deal. I have been on this medication before and never had a problem filling it, until now. It really stressed me out, more than what I was already. I hope my psychiatrist can understand this. I just feel like everyone is against me right now. The weird part is that I am depression but I haven’t moved into the darkness part of the depression. I just am psychotic and delusional and paranoid. I haven’t been this way in quite some time. I know I am taking a chance not taking my meds anymore because when I do go back on it, it might now work as well as it did. The trilafon is helping as I feel much calmer and the voices that are bothering me are hushed, least for now.

The depression is not all it’s cracked up to be. I don’t feel sad anymore, just gloomy. It’s an awful feeling to be this down and not know how to express my feelings. It’s easier to talk about the voices because they are much more interesting.

Everyone is against me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Everyone is against me

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription and they wouldn’t give it to me without verifying it with the doctor. So instead of getting 30 pills, I am getting 10 because my doc doesn’t trust me. I don’t fucking know. I sent her an angry email. I know more about the trilafon than the damn pharmacist filling the thing because I was on it when she was in fucking diapers. I have been on this medication since I was 16! I think I know how to fucking take it and how not to fucking take it and my doctor knows this. She trusts me. Least I think she does. I don’t know. I am so fucking paranoid right now it’s not funny.

While waiting in line while the pharmacists were talking there was a heavy breathing man behind me. I was freaking out because hello, personal space! Then before I logged off the computer, there was a hashtag going on Twitter about aliens. I had to shut down the browser. I mean, is this really happening to me, of all fucking days?? I am ready to admit myself because I am so fucking paranoid. I have never been so fearful in my damn life than I have been today. I don’t fucking feel safe in my own skin.

The voices are feeding off this fear. Only a matter of time before they tell me off. I got my toy and encrypted my documents that were on my laptop. I had to keep the password in my app so I remember it. I forget it and it’s bye bye data. Seriously don’t know what to do with myself. Sox rookie pitcher sucks. 3 pitches in and he gives up a 2 run home run. Yea, this is the guy we need. NOT. I am too fidgety to watch baseball right now because I am still irked by the pharmacists. I should talk to the older one and tell her she should have verified with MY doctor before filling the damn thing if she had questions to start with. Dammit. I mean what the actual fuck. Keeping me waiting while it gets sorted out while I am all fucking paranoid is not fucking good. Yes, I know there is an interaction between the medicines. Yes, guess what… my doc knows too! So what the hell is the damn problem?? Just give me my medicine and I will be on my way to take it as I fucking need it, like prescribed!! Not the “oh this medicine is not a PRN medicine”. SINCE FUCKING WHEN?? I have always taken this drug as a PRN. It’s my go to drug when I am fucking off my rocker. AND while I was in the hospital I was on 3 times as much as what my doc is prescribing me. UGH. I am so damn annoyed. But they are out to get me fucking more crazy than I already am. They are against me. They all are. I can’t wait to see if my doc responds to my email. Or emails. I asked her nicely and this is how I get treated. Like a drug seeker novice that doesn’t know about medicines. I am so irked. SHIT HEADS all of them. I wonder if they were infected with parasites too.

A Triggering Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

A Triggering Day

I have been feeling paranoid for most of the day. It started while I was at Starbucks writing in my journal. There was a congregation of people behind me while waiting for their coffee, talking loudly as I could hear them through my headphones, which was also playing loudly. I had to keep watching my back as I was fearful of these people. I just wanted them to get their coffee and leave. They must have talked for about 15-20 minutes before dispersing. I was rattled. There was no way I could calm myself down. Least not with a venti coffee. I had no meds but the voices were talking loudly too so that helped. I knew they wouldn’t allow someone to hurt me if they were around.

I went off to see my pdoc. She was late, as usual. I told her I was paranoid and didn’t trust anyone. She asked if I felt threatened by her and I asked, should I be? I did ask if she was going to kill me and she adamantly said no. That made me feel like I could trust her. We talked and she knew I was being distracted by the voices in my head. She kept trying to make conversation with me when I got quiet. She wanted to see me next week but I had reserved the zipcar and it was too complicated for her so I will see her in three weeks. I was still hearing voices and she was okay with me stopping the abilify.

I got home and soon as I walked in the door, Walgreens texted me saying my prescription was ready. They told me it was going to be a half hour wait so I went home to change and to pee as I couldn’t wait that long. I also wanted to cool off some with the AC as I was hot. It’s in the 70s today.

After I got home from that trip, I was going to stay put until the UPS guy showed up with my new toy. I am still waiting for it. While I was waiting I did my thing by reading Twitter. A person who does the PTSD chat posted something about ISIS and I immediately got triggered and paranoid worse than what I was already. I nearly had a panic attack. I couldn’t believe what she posted. Just thinking about the pic she posted is giving me paranoia again. I took my last trilafon and then emailed my pdoc saying I was triggered and needed trilafon stat. Abilify doesn’t do anything for the paranoia. And the voices would flip on me if I took it because it is poison in their eyes. I still am shaken up.

I checked the pharmacy and my doc did call in the trilafon. Soon as it’s ready, I will make my 3rd trip to walgreens today. Speaking of the devil, I just received a text saying it’s ready just now. I will go after I finish this blog. My package was delivered as well.

I was just getting calm when I figure I scroll through Facebook. Bad idea. Half way down, there was another damn post about ISIS attacking the gay community or something to that affect. I really need trilafon. I might page my psych later tonight because I am going out of my tree. I got a necklace around my neck that is protecting me from the parasites. I didn’t tell my pdoc about it when I saw her today because she already knows I am off my rocker. She did like the necklace though.

In other news, the Sox called up a rookie pitcher that is pitching tonight. I really want to see him pitch because he is supposed to be really good. It will be the first game I have watched in weeks. I hope NESN doesn’t have a 3 man crew or I will just listen to the game on the radio. I hate when they have 3 broadcasters, two are former players and 1 is the play by play man. It is so annoying with the analysis of the pitch or play. Just repetitive.

I had to report UPS today because my package was delayed for tomorrow’s delivery. The package was delivered to my town and then shipped out west for some reason. I am told it has been corrected and it’s still on for a Saturday delivery by the postal service so we’ll see.