Tag: bipolar disorder

Scared and Nervous

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Scared and Nervous

My left leg is still giving me grief. I thought it was getting better but that was a false feeling of security. My mother had some shopping done yesterday and I went up and down the stairs more than a few times. It aggravated my leg. Now the pain won’t stop and I can barely stand up straight. Last night, my leg was twitching again. I am freaking out. The last time I felt this way, I had cauda equina syndrome. I don’t know what I am going to do if I have it again. Last night I dreamt all I needed was physical therapy. I wish that was the treatment for it. My psychiatrist wrote back to me. She thinks it could just be sciatica. I have never known sciatica to be on the front of a leg, but it is possible I guess. Still, with my back problems, I would like to have an MRI to make sure that I am okay.

Going down the stairs is awful. I am in so much pain. Going up, not so much. Seems whenever I flex my thigh, it hurts really bad. I will be calling my doc today, after my therapist appointment. I hope I can be seen today. Tomorrow will suck because I have to deal with dear old father. I refuse to call him a “dad” because he never acted like one. He doesn’t deserve the title.

I have been up since 0500. I woke up around two hours ago but was able to get back to sleep. But now the pain has come back and I was hungry so I stayed up. I was able to brush my teeth and then have a bowl of cereal. I just took some pain meds to try and get my pain under control. I am so nervous about this being a bad omen that I can’t really sleep. The anxiety of not knowing is killing me. I wish you could just walk in an MRI place and just get an MRI instead of going to a doctor. That would make life so much easier. But you need money to do that and I don’t have it.

I hope that my insurances cover the cost of the MRI. I really don’t want a bill. That is what I am most worried about. I am worried about that more than I am about what is wrong with me. Then if I need surgery, I think I might forego the medicare part and just use my BCBS. I really don’t want to get stuck with a bill for surgery, if I need it. Course, if I do need surgery, I think I will try and kill myself. There is no way I will have back surgery for the 5th time.

I saw my doctor today for my leg pain. They just told me to take Neurontin and follow up with my neurosurgeon. Why they couldn’t order MRIs is beyond my train of thought. I feel like they were passing the buck. It wasn’t my normal doctor that I saw today. He wasn’t available. I see him next week anyways. I am sure I could probably coach him on ordering an MRI. Damn idiots. I knew I should have gone to the ER on Sunday. They would have done the scan.

Moods Have Changed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Moods have changed

I had a crappy sleep. I woke up like every two hours. I had to change position because I was in pain. It totally sucked. Around 0830, I thought I would shower but my mother was in the bathroom. So I decided to wait. Then I had to go and it wasn’t pleasant. I was still in pain every time I had a number 2. Seems like today is shit day because that is all I have been doing since 0900. I wanted to go out but that is not possible. I went to Walgreens okay but that is a short walk. I have two extremes, loose soft/diarrhea stools or hard as rocks stools. Even with the senna, I don’t have a medium. Only time I have one is when I have regular movements which seem far and in between. I am so damn miserable.

I had therapy today and we talked about all that has happened since we last talked. We talked about the insults my father gave me, the drinking, and, inevitably, my suicidality. I have picked a date and I am moving towards a plan. Fuck this pain shit. Fuck my father. I can’t stand either, one more than the other, you choose which. I don’t care anymore. She wanted me to come out to see her but I don’t have the funds to. I don’t get paid till my birthday. I will be dead by then, I hope.

We talked about my writing. She asked what will become of it once I am gone. I told her it will just stay on my laptop. No one will do anything with it. Right now, my “book” is barely fifty pages. No one knows the files. I am not that organized. And besides, some of the stuff is on my blog anyways so anyone could make a book out of it. I just don’t care anymore.

My therapist asked me what would be the one thing that wouldn’t make me so suicidal. I didn’t have an answer for her. She then asked what my reasons for living were. I told her none. I hate when she goes through these things. It always makes me feel a little guilty. And that is all that she was trying to do, was lay a guilt trip on me so I would continue to be. Why would I want to live when every time I have a damn bowel movement, I have pain as well, sometimes for hours? She brought up getting an MRI but I am too scared to know the results. I know there have been changes in my back. I can feel it. Whether or not it requires surgery, that is a different matter. And I am copping out before I know the truth. I see my PCP next week and we have a lot to discuss. I doubt MRI is going to be on the agenda. It’s going to be our last meeting as he is leaving. My thigh pain seemed to have settled down, which has settled down my PTSD symptoms. But I am tired of being in pain or wondering when I am going to get hit with CES x 3. I can’t go on like this. I feel like I am on a shaky rope and someone has finally cut the other end of it. I am dangling at the edge and no one sees it or can help me get up. So I am giving up. I will fall to my death.

Eric Church’s Lyrics

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Eric Church’s Lyrics

I have been listening to “Mr. Misunderstood” album for quite some time now. What I love about this album is the imagery in each song. Like in “Round here buzz” you can see him on top of the hood of his car, drinking. The football field where you can get a “higher high”, the bar that has a neon light out. I love songs like this. Plus the beat and melody gets you moving.

I won’t go through each song because I am too tired to go through each song and describe it. But one song that is very descriptive is his song “Mistress Named Music”. You can picture him in church listening to the piano as his feet is dangling off the pew because he is only five years old. This song is also one of my favorites. There isn’t a song on this album that I don’t like.

The least descriptive is probably “Chattanooga Lucy”. It could be that the song is too fast and I still haven’t grasped the lyrics to it. But it’s very upbeat and I like the melody.

I have been listening to this album for almost a month now. I just can’t stop listening to it. I added Adele’s 25 to the playlist. I feel like I broke sacrilege. Her music is very different from Church. It speaks more from the heart than say a tackle box and a fishing pole.

I have been thinking of sending my story to a friend of mine to read over and see if there are any major mistakes. I added some stuff yesterday so I am up to almost 1700 words. I want to get it up to at least 2000. It should be easy to write 300 words or so. I never should have stopped writing when I started the story. Lesson learned. The only reason I stopped was because it was 2 in the morning and I was getting really tired. The voices were yelling at me to get to sleep so it stopped me from continuing the story. I hate when that happens. The original work was around 500 words so I have worked on it considerably.

I still haven’t showered and it’s too late to have one. My shower likes to make this horrible noise after a while and if my sister is sleeping, I don’t want to wake her up. I will try and take one tomorrow morning. I don’t know why I am having such a hard time taking a damn shower. I guess I am depressed. There is no other explanation for it. I could say it’s laziness but it’s been so hard to get out of bed the past few days. It just has sucked. I know it’s mostly because I have been in horrendous pain and that always brings me down. The pain is still there but it’s in much less intensity.

Sleepy Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Sleepy Monday

All I did today was sleep. I just couldn’t get out of bed. I got notification that my prescriptions were ready and was planning on getting it but I didn’t. I haven’t left the house since Thursday. I haven’t showered in at least a week. I know I need a shower. I figured I would shower and then go to the pharmacy. Now it’s looking like I might take a shower before bed. That might not happen either.

I tried to see if my therapist had an opening today to talk to her but she is booked. I didn’t think I would even blog today. I just don’t want to do anything today that requires thinking. At dinner, my mother asked why I haven’t been going out. I didn’t tell her it was because I was depressed. I just said I didn’t feel like going out, which is true. Now I have to go out tomorrow or she is going to think something is wrong. Fuck. Well, if I don’t shower, I am not going out. Only thing I have been doing for self-hygiene is brushing my teeth. Usually I don’t even do that.

My brother in law has been working on his kitchen most of the day. Sleeping has been difficult to come by because of this but I just stay in bed. I haven’t really sat up to do anything other than check stuff on my phone. I barely used the laptop today, except for writing this blog. I have to use word to write my blog.

I just have no energy. I didn’t even make coffee today. I was going to so I could combine the two Brazil’s into one bag. I probably could do it but I don’t want the full bag to be too full. The stuff is expensive and I don’t want any of it to go to waste. I used to put my coffee in Tupperware containers but my idiotic mother once combined my breakfast blend coffee with Maxwell House so I don’t do that anymore! If I didn’t need special grounding for my French press, I would have used it but didn’t want to take the chance of mixing grounds. She doesn’t use Maxwell House at all as she barely uses a coffee maker. She just uses instant coffee that is disgusting. I can’t stand the smell of that coffee. It makes me sick. But then, my mother says the same about my coffee so I guess we’re even.

The Pats lost to the Eagles yesterday. I didn’t watch the whole game but they just fell apart in the third and fourth quarters. By the time I checked Twitter to see how the game was going, it was abysmal. Within just a few minutes, the Eagles scored like 3 touchdowns that sealed the game. I tried to watch the last few seconds of the game but I couldn’t find the damn channel in time. When I did, the game was over. I was hoping for a miracle but it didn’t happen. I am upset but I know they will win the next game. They got to.