Tag: bipolar disorder

Random 234

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Random 234

I haven’t been able to nap all day. It’s probably going to be a long day if I don’t get some sleep. My back has been bothering me most of the day more than my thigh or foot/ankle. I guess it didn’t like it when I emptied my trash can in my room. So my plans for going out today got smashed to smithereens. I think I am getting a cold anyways so resting is probably the best thing I can do for now. I also increased my vitamin D. I really don’t want to get a chest thing. I hate having a cold. It’s evil. And there is nothing you can do about it until it passes. But my sleep being off and not really drinking enough has really brought my defenses down. Maybe I will make some chamomile tea in a little bit.

I was reading Twitter and the Menninger Clinic published some data that proved some data decreased depression. I read the article and the inpatient length of stay was 45 days. I had to fricken laugh because you are lucky to be inpatient for at least 48 hours around here. If I was hospitalized for 45 days or so, I think my depression might decrease as well. Even if you have the best insurance, you are not going to be hospitalized or receive “treatment” on an inpatient unit for 45 days and you are definitely not going to get any follow up care. There just aren’t enough psych units or beds to hold someone for 45 days. There are enough backups in the psych ED and other hospital ERs that are looking for beds. There is a real crisis and I don’t think these outcomes this particular clinic has is representative of the system. And if they think they are, they are just fooling themselves.

I didn’t receive a call from my doctor’s office like I was supposed to. I didn’t call either. I will wait till I see my PCP on Wednesday. It’s going to be a lot to cram in as it’s my last visit with him. I might call on Monday and see what the hold up is. I knew getting seen within a week was a fallacy, especially when I didn’t see my doctor to begin with. I’m too depressed to care.

I’m tired of fighting pain all the time. I don’t know when my back pain is going to get resolved. I will have a conniption if I am sent back to physical therapy for it. I can do the exercises at home, I know them by heart. It won’t help at all and might even harm me. I think I just need a good massage, especially in the back of my hip.

I still want to go ahead with my plan to end my life. I just don’t see the point of going on when I am either facing increased pain and misery or going under the knife again and facing permanent disability again. I just can’t face it.

Oatmeal Pancakes Rock

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Oatmeal Pancakes Rock

I made my oatmeal pancakes today. I didn’t allow the mixture to sit long enough so they were pretty flat instead of fluffy. They were awesome anyways. Now I am having my coffee, Pike’s from Starbucks. It’s bold and strong. Just what I need to start the day. I didn’t want to go out today but my cousin sent me my birthday present and I think I am going to get another bag of Brazil coffee while they still have it on the shelf. I love this coffee so much and I don’t want to see it go bye bye like my other favorite coffees have. I was reading some old blogs and it was talking about coffee that is no longer available like my Isla Flores and Blue Java. Those were awesome coffees. Starbucks came out with West Java but I didn’t like it too much.

Other than going to Starbucks today, I really have no idea what I am going to do. I have to empty my trash can as it is over flowing. I should be resting as making my breakfast wore me out. I think after I have my coffee, I am going to nap, or try to. The coffee is strong but for some reason, it can make me sleepy. Plus my back is aching so I really want to keep my activities today to a minimum. I did a lot of walking yesterday and I am hurting today. Last night, my ankle decided to hurt me more than my back. I was expecting it as I did too much.

I am going to have it out with my mother today. She canceled my Bones program last night and I am beyond pissed. It was the mid-season finale. I can’t believe she did this, again. I so feel like canceling her channels because why the hell should I pay for cable if I don’t have my shows recorded? I would have yelled at her last night but my sister already yelled at her for something she did. I didn’t want it to seem like we were ganging up on her or something. Maybe I will leave a note rather than confront her. I missed the season Premier because she cancelled it and now the mid-season finale. I hate this!!

I finally made plans with my sister for what I want to do for a night out with my sisters for my birthday. They wanted to take me out for dinner and I finally decided Chinese food. I was going to go to an American place but I really want good Lo Mein. I have been craving it for at least a year and a half now since the one good Chinese restaurant in my area closed. The place I usually order from has sucky lo mein and the only good thing they have is their General Gao.

Yesterday, Facebook had a memory thing and showed my stats from the first two weeks of my blog. I reached 2500 views. I then showed the stats I took from a few days ago when it was 53,600 (it’s now over 54,100 so thank you for reading!!) I was happy to find an app widget that had a layout feature so you could see the pics side by side. I always wanted to do that but didn’t know how.

Speaking of Stats, if all goes according to plan, I should reach 55,000 by the end of the month. I hope I live to see it.

Frustrating events of the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

I might have to watch live TV tonight. I wanted to record the show “Coat of Many Colors” but it conflicts with Bones, as Bones is a 2 hour episode tonight. It all depends on if I am awake at 2100 and the pain meds don’t knock me out before then. I had another bad outing with my father. He didn’t pick up his prescription so I had to do extra walking with my leg and back hurting. I decided to get us cold cuts for lunch as I knew he didn’t have lunch, and by the looks of his trash can, he didn’t have breakfast either. What really pissed me off was that he took his meds with wine, but he swore it was ginger ale. Doesn’t matter as I saw him pour the wine while he was eating lunch. He drives me crazy. Then he wonders why he is dizzy.

I then talked to my therapist while I was on my way home. I asked her to call me because I felt like doing something to hurt myself. I am just so fed up with things and so damn tired of being in pain. I told her about my appointment yesterday and I could tell she was cussing because she was speechless yet grunting, like she didn’t know what the hell to say. If I had seen my PCP yesterday, things probably would have been different. My back pain is worse today than it was yesterday. But I did a lot of walking that I normally don’t do. I went to the bakery to get my father his bread then went to Walgreens to pick up my meds. The walk pretty much tired me out. I had to stop a few times because I was hurting so much. This was before going to my father’s and standing in the deli counter, walking to the opposite end of the store to get to the pharmacy, then walk back to his apartment. After we had lunch, I stood a few more minutes to do his meds. Then I had to walk to the train station to go home. My back and ankle is not liking me at all. I shouldn’t be in this much pain for walking a few blocks and a half.

We also talked about having my PCP’s office call me sometime tomorrow for the neurosurgeon’s assessment. Ten bucks says I am not going to get a phone call and when I do call the office, I am going to get, why didn’t you call him? UGH. Because I was told YOU were going to call ME. My therapist asked what I was planning to do between now and the next time we talk. I told her I wanted to be in oblivion. Wrong answer. I did tell her I was going to take some pain meds and call it a day. Sadly, I can’t really be in oblivion because I have to babysit Saturday. I also made dinner tonight. I don’t think my mother was a fan of it. It was a roll up of turkey and stuffing. We also were supposed to have cranberry sauce but we didn’t have any. I thought it was good, but then I am a sucker for turkey and stuffing anyways. It’s one of my favorite combinations. I found out that one of my new favorite delivery places has a turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sandwich. I cannot wait to try it. I hope it’s a regular menu item and not a seasonal one. Starbucks has a similar sandwich but it’s only available during the holiday season.

This morning on our Red Line, it was found that the train was being operated with no operator. No one was hurt but it caused severe delays for the morning commute. Someone apparently tampered with the system. Then my mother was telling me that the operator got run over by the train. This I didn’t hear and I still haven’t heard anything about this, least in social media. I don’t watch the news and I no longer follow news related Twitter accounts because it’s too triggering for me, especially when they talk about the alien people. I will have to look up what really happened. But I am too tired to do it now so it will have to wait.

After a week of waiting for my Amazon order, it finally arrived today. I get to watch baseball movies and a couple of 80s movies. I also got the movie “Code Talkers”, least I think that is the name of it. I don’t have the DVD in front of me so I am not sure. It’s a WWII film about the Navajo Indians using their language as code. I’ve always wanted to see it. Sadly, I have only seen the ending of the movie, not the beginning.

I finally was able to transfer files from my phone to my SD card. I now have a whopping 1GB of memory on my phone. I also wiped my MP3 player after doing this so that it could delete the duplicate songs on it. I don’t know how I had two of the same songs in almost all my albums. And I couldn’t delete them for some reason unless I deleted them on my SD card, which I thought was odd. But I couldn’t access the SD card on my phone so that didn’t work. I hope things are settled now. All I have to do next is rebuild my playlists because it doesn’t save those. I have to remember what list went with the songs. Oh well. I think after the day that I had, I will save that for another day.

Up Freaking Early

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Up freaking early

I woke up at freaking 0400 and can’t go back to sleep. I am hoping writing will help. My night has been awful as this is the third time I have awoken. I don’t understand why I can’t sleep. I had some breakfast. When it gets a little later, I plan on making oatmeal pancakes.

The pain in my thigh is not nerve pain. I took a Neurontin last night and when I woke up from my nap, it hurt more than before I took it. I don’t know what I am going to do. The resident that I saw said to wait until Friday afternoon to get a call from the neurosurgeon or my doctor’s office. I am kind of scared to see a neurosurgeon again. If the surgeon that I saw doesn’t take me on, there is another one that I could see. He is really nice and is a good doctor. He covered my doctor while he went on vacation after my second surgery. The only doctors I didn’t like were the residents. They were just mean as anything. I won’t go into it because it always gets me upset.

I feel like I should tell my cousins about this. But I don’t want to worry them. I don’t know if I will need surgery, yet. I hope that this isn’t the start of another CES episode. I am glad that I was seen before I saw my PCP because the holidays are coming up and there might be a problem with seeing someone in the office. I always seem to see someone right before their vacation starts.

I hope my mother gets up soon but it’s only 0645. She usually gets up between 0730 and 0800. I really want to make pancakes. I bought Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup just for my pancakes. My mother doesn’t like that kind of syrup. She rather have the store brand of original syrup. But it’s my money so there.

I found out that a friend of mine that I used to work with has an eating disorder. I never would have suspected it because she is a big girl. But I guess it could happen to anyone. She also has a binge eating disorder. That I could see because she loves to eat. She is the one that got me thinking about pancakes because that is her favorite breakfast food, or anytime food. There is no rule that you have to have pancakes in the morning. One time my mother made them for dinner. It was fun. They are easy to make. We make them from scratch, not a mix. I love the oatmeal recipe because it’s like the original pancake just with oats.

I had to take a pain med because my thigh is really hurting. I know this isn’t nerve pain. Nerve pain doesn’t hurt like this. I should have suggested that the doctor order the MRI and then we can see if I do need a neurosurgeon (N/S). The stupid resident was kind of like why did you see me when you should have see your N/S. I fucking hate when they try to pass the buck like this. It really pisses me off.