Tag: blog

Mother’s Day Weekend 2021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Mother’s day weekend 2021

I’ve been having difficulty sleeping. Friday I woke up around 1 and never went back to sleep. I stayed up the whole day and didn’t go or try to go back to sleep till 2300 or so. I still didn’t sleep soundly because my shoulder kept waking me up in pain. I still am tired but can’t seem to sleep. I just want one hour of uninterrupted sleep.

Sox won last night and I was happy. My buddy Eddie got the win. He is 5-0 this season so far. I am happy for him. He is my favorite player. I need to get his jersey or t-shirt. I will get it sometime this year.

I still have this bloody UTI that hurts so bad. I am peeing like every two hours, regardless of what I drink. Such a pain. I woke up at 345 then again at 545 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I just had coffee. I am not sure if I am going to go to the pharmacy to get a card for my mother. Just the thought of getting her something fills me with disgust. I hate this holiday more than any other, probably more than my birthday.

I really do not like my mother after the treatment she has given me over the years. She still doesn’t accept me for being trans. And I don’t know if I can ever forgive her for the abuse she put me through when I was younger.

The other day I was having gender dysphoria really bad because my weight has gone up now that I am back to eating. It triggered me so I wrote to my pcp about how much it is bothering me that I have to be a certain BMI to have top surgery and his response was to go to a weight clinic. Not helpful. I don’t need to feel more shame than I already do around my weight thank you. I sent the same message to my therapist so I am sure I will be talking about it tomorrow when I see her. So much stuff to talk about.

Other than therapy, I have no other appointments this week. PT was booked so I get the week off. I still need to do my exercises she gave me. I don’t get off from doing that. My shoulder has been bothering me the past few days for some reason. I have been trying to massage it out but it’s difficult to do with one hand. I can’t seem to reach where it is bothering me. I have gone back to taking Zanaflex to try and ease it a bit.

I finally cleaned the dust off my ceiling fan blades. I was growing bunnies but it was weird that only one side had more dust than the other side. My ankle is hurting from standing on my toes for the few minutes it took to dust. Now my nose is full of dust. I need a nap. I don’t know what time I am supposed to go to my sister’s for dinner. She said she was going to make steak. My brother in law is working out in the yard so I don’t think he will be eating soon so maybe this evening. I’m listening to Taylor and am going to relax for a bit.

Back on Twitter!

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, gender dysphoria, grief, mental disorders, mood disorders, transgender

Back on Twitter.

I am back on Twitter. I was really getting down because I couldn’t access my account and Twitter support finally reached out to me to clear the error that was causing the text messages not to go through. I took a screen shot of the backup code so that I would have it should I get locked out again. I missed my tweeps so much. I deactivated the acct I was using.

I sent this to my therapist and PCP: “hi,

I am having a hard time with the gender dysphoria around top surgery and the stupid limitation of the BMI. I can be so suicidal at times because I can’t stand to look at my chest and knowing weight is what is keeping me from this goal is killing me. I lost some weight due to covid but gained some back once I started eating again. I’m not good with diet and my appetite is either there or it isn’t due to the depression. I am 192 right now and was 187 last week. This is stressing me out and I am not sure who to talk to about it.”

I hate that a BMI is preventing much needed suicide prevention work. I am in the mood to take a lot of pills right now but I won’t. It is just a feeling that will pass. I hate feeling this way. I don’t know why there is a restriction for surgery. This is so fucking stupid. I feel like it is discrimination against obese people. I just want these things off my chest! They don’t belong there. And it sucks that now they are hairy and will only become more hairy as the T dose has increased. I just want to be flat chested. What is wrong with that? I am a fucking man for crying out loud. I don’t even care if I have nipples or not. Just want the damn things off.

My therapist canceled therapy yesterday due to an immediate personal problem. I guess dealing with my mother on this Mother’s day is all on me. I have decided to get her a son card. I will get it tomorrow when I mail my letter. My cousin sent me a box of her husband’s things. Her husband is my godfather. I haven’t opened it yet because I am so emotional about other things that I just can’t deal with more grief. I miss my godfather so much. He was such a good man.

I am so tired today. I have been up since 0100. I have tried going back to sleep but I keep failing. This UTI is kicking my ass. It still hurts to pee and my urine is cloudy. It probably smells but I can’t smell things right now because of covid. I had Covid PT yesterday and it killed me. Made me so fricken tired. I thought I would sleep through the night but I only slept for a few hours before waking up at 1. The UTI is making me pee every 2 fucking hours. It sucks. I can’t do anything until I finish the antibiotics. I haven’t cathed at all because it hurts.

Don’t call me daughter 6

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, gender dysphoria, grief, mental disorders, mood disorders, transgender

Don’t call me daughter 6

Yesterday I was in the kitchen with my mother and I was in a mood. I wasn’t feeling so great and just wanted to do what I needed to and go back to my room. My mother was there and asked what was wrong. She wanted me to talk to her. Fuck that. She lost that right when she refused to call me son. From now on I will correct her when she is misgendering me. But I am not going to talk to her for any reason other than what goes on in the house. I am not going to talk to her like I did before about my ailments and doctor appointments. She is getting to be the egg donor and if that is what it takes to cut off feelings from her then so be it.

I’ve been having a hard time with the cramps. I don’t know if they are uterine or bladder related but as an experiment, I cathed and felt relief at first only to have severe pain afterwards.  I don’t know what to make of it and I have cathed since. Taking a double dose of Miralax was a bad idea. I had colon blow and woke up with crap in my pants. Luckily, I didn’t get any on the bed. I had to shower and what is worse my mother had to use the bathroom so I was so embarrassed. I need to time taking it right. Thing is it is so unpredictable when it works. It could be a few hours or could be a day. There is no time table to expect when to go.

I am still have cramps and being really down about it. I called my gyn to make an appointment for the exam. It is in May. I see the uro NP this week so I am going to tell her and ask for a urine culture to be done just to be sure I don’t have an infection that could be causing this. I really am not looking forward to surgery again but there is little choice I have. Once the offending organ is gone is should be apparent what is causing what. I doubled my bladder spasms pill yesterday to see if it would help and it did a little bit. Maybe this is bladder related. I won’t know until the uterus is gone. I got my bladder on a schedule again. I didn’t want to do it but I have gone past the six hours I am supposed to go. I can’t keep holding on to my urine for so long. It could be why I have spasms as well.

I wonder if my mother is ashamed of me and that is why she doesn’t want to call me son. It would make sense. I don’t get the sense she is proud of me. I just don’t understand why she can’t accept her child. This bothers me so much. When you bring it up to her, she is dismissive. Then I think about all the abuse she put me through and it just makes me so sad and angry. She used her trust as a mother to do her evil bidding of abusing and touching me when she had no right to touch or look. I get mad at my pediatrician who documented all these things and didn’t do a damn thing about it.

exhausted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, COVID19, CRPS, depression, FTM, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, transgender

Exhausted

I’ve been listening to “tis the damn season” by Taylor Swift since noon time. Just a damn good song. I went to PT. It went well. I had to get some dry needling on my shoulder because it became hard as a rock. I need to put some heat on it later. We discussed Covid and she said there was a conditioning program that my PCP can refer me to so that I can get my strength back. I said I would get the referral when I got home.

After PT, I went to the square to get my ATM card to my name instead of my dead name. It took about a half hour. The weather got colder and there were snow flurries. I got a wrap at the grocery store so I would have something to eat for my dinner. It was a good turkey with brie and cranberry sauce. It is my favorite kind of wrap.

I am in my room and I am freezing. I just want to get under the covers and sleep. I am totally exhausted. My legs are killing me. Today is my niece’s birthday but I don’t think I am going to go to her party as it isn’t until 7 and I am really tired right now. I just told my sister I wasn’t going down for cake. I am too tired. I am having bladder cramps and they are really bad. I came close to having cath tonight because it had been more than 6 hours since I last voided. I am not in a good space right now. I feel like my body is failing me and I am so upset with the gender dysphoria of having cramps that feel like period cramps. I still don’t know if it is my uterus or bladder giving me these cramps. But it is going on three days now.

I bought some BZK wipes in case I do have to cath. Least I can wipe myself and not have to worry so much about getting an infection. I just put them in the bathroom. I feel like the cramps are my fault that I should have gone to the bathroom sooner or something but if anything the cramps should be going away now that my bladder is empty and it is not. I am so frustrated that I can’t tell if it is my uterus or not. I shouldn’t have a uterus to begin with for fucks sake. I really need to see the gyn so I can get a hysterectomy and be done with it. The dysphoria I am having with these stupid cramps is horrible. I really just want to die. I want to act on my thoughts. I won’t though for the sole reason this will pass, eventually. I am going to call the gyn tomorrow and see if I can schedule an appointment to see her for the female exam that I hate so much. I am overdue for the test and she needs to do a pre op exam. I am not looking forward to this exam at all. But I can’t put it off anymore. The cramping needs to stop.