Tag: blog

Crazy Bastard II

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Crazy Bastard II

I just got off the phone with my father to tell him he has a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow. He isn’t going. He doesn’t want to see his doctor. He doesn’t want to take his Coumadin, he is mad at me, thinking I am going to kill him, so I am done. I want nothing to do with him anymore. He has it in his mind that Coumadin is dangerous and shouldn’t be taken. It is the reason why he got so sick in the hospital. So I am done.

I texted my sister but haven’t heard back. For some reason, I am crying and I never cry. Bastard is going to kill himself and I should care less. Maybe it’s the relief of not having to deal with him anymore. I canceled the Zipcar. I am not going anywhere tomorrow. I’ll cancel the appointment in the morning, too.

I didn’t go anywhere today. I was up for 21 hours straight yesterday and all I could do today was sleep. I had a black bean burger for lunch and it’s been the only sustenance I had all day. I am not hungry. I still feel bloated from eating pork chops last night, even though my system has been cleaned out with the senna. Frankly, I don’t care if I ever eat again. I seriously have lost my appetite and I don’t care if I get it back. I was going to vote, but I felt so weak and the thought of taking four buses wasn’t appealing (two to get there and two to come home). If I could walk there, I would but it’s like four big city blocks to get there and I just can’t do it. It would kill me.

I never heard back from my PCP’s office. I guess being a few points down on potassium isn’t a big deal like I thought it was. But then, it’s not like I am being followed by someone that knows me. I know that if my other PCP was there, I would have received a call today. My psychiatrist hasn’t returned my emails. I guess she has nothing to say.

I had therapy today. We were trying to talk about the need for therapy but I felt like I was going to pass out on her so we talk minimally. I told her I still feel obligated to see her, even if my account was zero. She said we had to find out why that is. Yea, right. She also will try and ease up on the way she feels about me. I don’t know what that means. Maybe it will mean she won’t she her affection towards me as much. We still don’t know why I need therapy to begin with. I am not saying my issues have been solved. They are ongoing issues. I only am seeing her once this week. I would have seen her tomorrow but my father screwed up those plans and then some. She wants me to think of the reasons why I am in therapy or something like that, to talk next week about it.

That is her standard answer for everything, we’ll talk about it next time. Write down my thoughts and we’ll look at it next week. I frankly, don’t remember what we talked about or how I felt because staying awake was important. I knew that if I closed my eyes, I would have passed out on her. It was good that I didn’t drive to see her. I might have had an accident. She seems content to be talking on the phone these days. Of course, she wants me to practice more self-care these days. I still have a vague idea about what that means. All I know is that I need to take a shower soon and it won’t be happening tonight.

Twitter Rant: CAMS and Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I wrote this at 0400 today. excuse the hashtags

Twitter rant CAMS and Suicide

I wonder if there will ever come a day when there isn’t a hierarchical relationship between client and clinician in the matters of #suicide. That clinician and client work together to deal with #suicide and all that it portends, without judgement, stigma, or fear. These are the musings I have at this hour. Anyone can be trained for suicide prevention but do they go with that training or own prejudices. I have seen that changing clinicians’ minds about how they deal with #suicide training doesn’t change their perception of it. The old stigma of “they’re going to do it anyways” so why bother helping them is prevalent. If it doesn’t change their perception of #suicide, why then bother spending hundreds of dollars for training if you aren’t going to use it?? Case in point, at the Menninger clinic, they had a CAMS study where the authors noted the clinicians resistance to this easy framework. Again, it was hierarchical, the clinician knows best, the client knows nothing, This truly needs to change if we are to prevent #suicides. CAMS was designed to work with all disciplines (SW, PhD, PsyD, MD, etc.) Yet these clinicians had their biases & stigma preventing an open mind. CAMS is unlike any other theory, is quick to learn, and has less paperwork. Along with the SSF, it really help deal with #suicidal clients. I might be biased for CAMS only because it saved my life and I think it is the most superior #suicide assessment out there. Here is my blog about #CAMS. #CAMS is also NOT a replacement or new treatment but a theory that working collaboratively helps someone who is #suicidal. my musings started when a therapist was complaining about the use of the CBT paperwork and stayed away from it in her practice. As a patient, I can totally understand why the CBT paperwork is so daunting. I never liked it and don’t think it is helpful but others have found it helpful. And you have the CBT nuts that swear by it. I just wonder if it is because that is all that they were trained to be like DBT therapists. You don’t have to change disciplines to work with #CAMS, after the assessments, the client will need that discipline for treatment. I still would love to replicate the study in the Boston area about therapists and their attitudes toward suicide and training. Final thoughts are that #suicide training is under utilized in this country and not mandated. when is that going to change??

My Turn at the Docs

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My Turn at the Docs

I went back to see the NP because of the dizziness. She couldn’t find anything blatantly wrong so ordered some blood work. I am not sure if the tests are going to be loaded into the system where I can see them because they have a different medical record system now. As of this time, the labs aren’t in there but that doesn’t mean the lab hasn’t processed them. She kept on saying that it could be stress that is causing this. I told her between not sleeping and eating, I am so drained. She wants me to eat more regularly. I didn’t say anything because it’s wicked hard to eat when you don’t feel hungry. Even today while I was out, I kept on going from hungry to not hungry. It’s like my body couldn’t make up its mind. I did end up eating something and felt better afterwards, but still. If I just went home, I probably would not have eaten a thing until supper. She is checking my TSH (thyroid) for problems. I’ll be very curious to see what my sugar level was seeing as I haven’t eaten anything in the last 13 hours before my blood was drawn.

I felt okay after I had something to eat. I got a little headache but that could be because it’s bright out and I don’t do well on bright sunny days. I also have been up since 0300. I was going to listen to the first exhibition game of the season but I think I am just going to nap after I write this. I will catch the second game at 1600, hopefully.

I texted my therapist the blog I wrote about needing therapy. Hopefully we’ll discuss tomorrow. I am only seeing her once this week. I had to cancel Wednesday’s appointment because I scheduled my father’s doc appointment and not sure when I will be done with him. If we meet Thursday, that would be great, but I doubt it.

My laptop is sounding like an airplane. I think the cooling fan is going. Great. Another expense that I need to take care of. It made the sound before so I am used to it. It’s not a high pitched whine that drives me crazy. I have a friend that is good with computers so I will let him fix it this time than sending it off to Dell.

I had my first mocha of the season and wish I didn’t. It gave me the runs. It’s the first time I had dairy in two months. I had been drinking soy lattes. Thought I could trust mixing things up. Least I am home and not out and about. I will know for next time to order a soy Mocha, though I don’t think it’s going to taste the same.

My vitamin D came today. I ran out. I am deficient so need to take it every day. I find that it helps a little bit with mood, not a 100% but maybe 25%. It’s better than nothing. I should have asked to get a level while I was getting my blood drawn.

Dizziness Returns

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dizziness Returns

I went to my father’s because the VNA service was coming over and I knew they would be asking all kinds of questions about his meds. Damn idiots at the hospital had about ½ his medication listed so now they need to call his PCP’s office to verify he is on all this medication. Really?? The bottles themselves don’t prove he is taking it and I am the one that dishes out his meds every damn week and you don’t think I know what my father takes?? I am so irritated. So another nurse will be coming by tomorrow to make the necessary phone calls and shit as today is Sunday and his PCP’s office just has an answering machine. The on-call doc is not going to know my father and will just say call tomorrow anyways. Useless!

While I was there, my ears starting feeling funny and then I started to feel like I did last week with the dizziness. It’s been several hours now and I can’t make the feeling go away. Every time I walk or go up the stairs, I feel worse. I hope my heart is ok and it’s just an ear thing but I feel like I am going to pass out, which isn’t a true sign of vertigo. I took my BP when I came home and it was normal. My monitor is supposed to pick up abnormal heart rhythms and it didn’t detect anything. Now in addition to calling to make appointments for my father, I have to call my doctor’s office and make an appointment for myself because this shit sucks. It can’t be because of low blood sugar because I had two meals today. I had breakfast and then ate over my father’s. I am glad that he ate because he hasn’t been eating too good the past week. I take after him in regards to eating one meal a day. I am full with lunch as I had too much of the rotisserie chicken.

The dizziness is less severe than it was on Wednesday last week. But feeling like passing out is the same. I have been trying to drink more but I don’t always think of it. I just hope they don’t want me to go to the ER for fluids or something. I hate IVs. I no longer think it’s withdrawal from my meds because I have been taking them, though I skipped the baclofen last night. It could all be because I haven’t been sleeping. I fell asleep last night around 1800 and then woke up at midnight. I didn’t go back to sleep until 0500 or so. When I woke up later this morning around 0900, I had a wicked headache and was foggy. I took some Excedrin and made coffee as well as breakfast. I finally had my black bean burger I have been craving. I like the ones I have though they are really spicy. I drank almost a full glass of iced tea with it before I had my coffee.

This whole thing is giving me anxiety with chest heaviness that I hate. And today started off as a great day because my favorite author, Lawrence Block, commented on my blog this morning. I couldn’t believe it and had to read the comment a few times to know that it was him! I was so excited to receive the comment I was texting and emailing all I knew about it. I have been reading his work for the past 25 years and just got his latest work about writing a book from start to finish as well as his new novella. I haven’t started either book yet as I am reading his older book “After the First Death”. I just hungrily love his writing and scoop up his books whenever I can.

I am hoping this week will be calmer so I can do some writing. But it all depends on my sleep and the doc appointments for myself and my father. I also hope that with the return of my appetite, the rest of the physical symptoms of depression will go away. I want the feeling of being tired all the time away as well, but I think that has more to do with my chronic pain than depression. I know that it gets worse when the depression is at its worse. It’s like walking through mud uphill. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. Just getting dressed is a battle or showering. I was going to take a shower today but with the dizziness, I don’t think I will. I can’t risk passing out. I can be dirty one more day.