Tag: chronic illness

in my brain, dial it up, everything I want to say

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In my brain, dial it up, everything I want to say

I am totally addicted to “One Number Away”. It has been on repeat since yesterday afternoon. It touches me every time I hear it.

I am going through withdrawal symptoms from my pain meds because it has been 11 hours since my last dose. I have been sleeping all day so didn’t bother to take them when I woke up two hours ago. Sucks being dependent on a drug. And NO, being depended and addicted are two separate things. Being addicted means you need higher amounts of something to feel good. I don’t need a higher dose of my pain meds when I go through withdrawal. I just need to take the dose I take to get relief from the dizziness and lightheadedness that I feel. I almost fell backwards twice today. I thought it was because I am in Neurontin fog but now I think it’s because of the withdrawal. I have just taken my meds so I should be feeling better in about a half hour.

My mother is making dinner right now. Sausages and potatoes. I have a funny relationship with sausages. I like them but sometimes the taste makes me not like them. It’s weird. I’ll probably eat more potatoes than sausages anyway.

I made coffee but couldn’t drink it. It was making me more sleepy so I decided not to drink it all. I had wanted to change my sheets today but I’m not feeling up to it. I bought these clips to hold them in place. I just hope they work and don’t rip the sheets or slip off. I got them cheap on Amazon, just $8. A catalog that my mother gets had them for $14, but it was just 2 clips. I got 3 clips. I hope it keeps my sheet from coming undone after a few days. I hate having to fix it.

I got my suicide prevention shirt from the American Association of Suicidology. I hate not being a member anymore but the fees are too much for my budget, even as a fixed budget fee. I have Twitter to keep me updated on things as people are now posting on social media the slides and stuff at conferences. It makes you feel like you are there.

I’m starting to feel better now that I took my pain meds and ate a little bit. The sweet potatoes weren’t cooked but the zucchini she made was. It was a good dinner. I love zucchini with bread crumbs. She baked it in the oven so it was crispy. Very yummy! I hope I am able to stay awake for a little bit now that the withdrawal symptoms have passed. I try not to let it happen but I have no control over my sleeping pattern. I had woken up in the early morning and didn’t go back to sleep until 0700 then woke up at 1400. It was a good sleep. I hope that I will be able to sleep tonight. I think I will because I am still tired. I’ll change my sheets tomorrow. I really don’t feel like doing that task today. I need to clear my bed off and then take the sheets off. That is the easy part. Finding a place to put my “office” is always difficult. It’s not so bad as mostly it’s just clothes more than books and notebooks like last time. I’ll do it but I need energy and I just don’t have it today.

hurting big time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hurting big time

I made the manwich, which was cooking some ground beef and then pouring in the Manwich sauce. It’s basically a Sloppy Joe. I had three sandwiches as the hamburger buns I bought were small. Then I got to work baking the chocolate zucchini bread. I spent the entire afternoon mixing, baking and cleaning up. The bread didn’t cook right at the temp they said it was supposed to be. Luckily, my sister came over and told me to cook it at a higher temp for 15 minutes more. It came out good but all you can taste is the baking soda. I used dark chocolate instead of milk or semi-sweet. It was really chocolatety and tasted more like a chocolate cake. I liked it but think next time, I am going to use baking powder instead of soda.

By the time I had the bread in the oven, my ankle, foot, and back were killing me. I had called my mother around 1530 to tell her to make whatever she wanted for dinner as I wasn’t up to it. I needed to rest. She misheard me and thought I said I was going to the doctors. She is hard of hearing and I think it’s getting worse as she ages. I never got to rest as my brother in law’s brother came over to say hi. We talked for a bit, exchanging our mental troubles and medications we take. Then my sisters came over so I stayed down to talk with them while I was fixing the stupid bread I was making. My foot was not happy.

My brother in law had bought rotisserie chicken so we had that for dinner. I wanted to go upstairs to my room but stayed to eat and talk with my sisters. My sisters were not speaking loud enough for my mother so both parties were getting annoyed. My mother was having trouble understanding anyway. You have to say the same thing several times for her to get it. It’s frustrating.

My bread is still cooling off. I’ll go downstairs in a little bit and put the cover on it so it doesn’t get hard. I don’t know if I will eat the whole thing in the next few days. It’s only good for 4 days, according to the recipe. But we’ll see. I really like the dark chocolate.

I finally went upstairs after washing my feet as I was barefoot the whole time I was downstairs. My feet always gets dirty while walking around the house as I never wear slippers or socks, especially in the summer time. My foot and ankle were glad I came up to my room. I was shocked that when I turned on the laptop, the battery was dead. It must not have gone into sleep mode when I printed off the recipe and left it unplugged. Oh well. I have it charging now.

I have a feeling I am going to be up all night in pain because I was doing stuff all afternoon. I am glad I don’t have to do anything tomorrow. I am pretty tired but that doesn’t mean anything. Pain is an instigator and likes to do what it wants to do. The bad part is that I took my pain meds around 1400 so I can’t take anymore for another 2 hours. I can take a strong pain pill if I need it. I am hurting but it’s not intolerable, though I should take it so it doesn’t become so. I just hate taking the pill because of side effects. I knew I’d be hurting but damn. Going to the store and then cooking and baking just took so many spoons. I wanted to make coffee when I got home and now I regret it. I had bought a big jug of sweet cream (and it’s really sweet) so I am set for the month to make coffee at home. Tomorrow I will make my Hawaiian coffee and maybe read a bit. I haven’t read since last weekend. Maybe I will tonight as I know I will be up in pain. I should be able to breeze through Rumble Fish.

thought today would be a low pain day, wrong!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Thought today would be a low pain day, wrong!

I slept through the night for the first time in months. I woke up around 0630 just to use the bathroom. I wasn’t in that much pain. I was hungry though as all I had to eat yesterday was a turkey and cheese roll up. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I went out after I paid a few bills and ordered my groceries.

I wanted to leave after I had my breakfast but I also wanted some more turkey breast as I used the last of it yesterday. I had a few minutes before the next bus so went to the grocery store. I thought I said turkey breast but when I rang it up, it said ham. I had to go back to the deli counter. By then I had missed the bus so I got another bus to take me down the street to take me home.

I had some scripts at Walgreens to pick up and I also wanted to get a foot cushion for my AFO. My foot was starting to hurt but it wasn’t too bad. As soon as I got to the street and a few steps beyond Walgreens, my ankle gave out. I was in severe pain. Fuck. I had a block to walk before I reached home. I was not happy. I basically tried walking without putting weight on my ankle. It was tough. I had taken my pain meds before I left the house so I needed to take the strong pain meds to settle down. Now I am bedridden the rest of the day. I just hurt so bad.

I had to restart my laptop as it was slow and the screen was getting glitchy. I need to have it replaced. I don’t know if my laptop is slow because of it being old or what. When I get the screen replace, I’ll have my friend take a look. Maybe I need more RAM or something. It seems to be fine now but that can change.

I finally finished the antibiotics today. I hate taking meds three times a day. It sucks! My gums still hurt and are still swollen. I am finally able to eat on that side without too much trouble though with the swelling, it always feels like there is something stuck there.

I was reading an article on CRPS that was written in Australia. They call this the “suicide disease” because it is so painful. I believe it. More than a few times, I have thought and planned to end my life because of the pain. I seriously am thinking of getting my medical records from my neuro so see what she wrote for yesterday’s visit. It’s kind of a blur to me and it’s still not clear if I have CRPS or she was diagnosing me with small fiber neuropathy. I was so sleepy that I just didn’t have her full attention. I do know it pissed me off that she didn’t exam my foot/ankle because I had the damn AFO on. Jerk. I guess I need to wait until Oct to get a clear cut answer, I hope. All this rift raft is driving me crazy. And in the meantime, I am in horrendous pain that makes me want to die and feel useless.

a day of traveling for nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A day of traveling for nothing

I got a few hours sleep. Pain kept me up most of the night. There was nothing I could do about it. The more I stressed about not waking up around 7, the worst my sleep got. I couldn’t settle down. I had my mother wake me around 7 but I didn’t want to budge so slept till my alarm went off. I had wanted to make breakfast and coffee but I only made coffee. Around 8, I left the house.

The green line that I had to take was having track diversions so I had to take a bus to get to where I was going. I thought if I took another bus, I would miss it but that didn’t turn out to be the case. It took me around 2 hours to get to my neurologist’s office. It was very humid and hot. I hated it. I mostly slept on the bus and trains. My pain was bad so when I got to the office, I took some pain meds.

My neurologist is never on time. I must have met with her for at least twenty minutes. Even though she said that I had complex regional pain syndrome, she kept on calling it small nerve fiber neuropathy. I was so tired I didn’t get mad until I left the office. She had no new hope for me. I told her to send her notes in triplicate to my PCP so he would stop sending me to new docs. She said I was a trooper and something else. Then she gave me an appt in a year’s time. Appointment was over with. I was stunned. I was too disgusted to think. I had spent two hours to see this doc only for her to basically tell me nothing and see you in a year. She didn’t even exam my injured foot because it was in the AFO. Asshole. I don’t think I will go back to seeing her. But the thing is, my PCP’s office is reluctant to prescribe Neurontin so I need to see her so I can get that script. Fucking ridiculous. I am so fed up. I swear if the new neuro treats me this way as well, I am going to go nuts.

I walked back to the station and waited for the shuttle bus to bring me to the trains. By that point, my foot was berserk. I was in more pain than ever. I thought about going to Starbucks for something to eat but knew I couldn’t walk there. I just waited for the bus home when I got to the Square, 2 hours later.

I had something to eat when I came home. My foot pain was killing me. I just want to eat and then take a nap. I also took more pain meds. I put my phone on do not disturb and slept. I am glad I did because I had two phone calls that I missed. I would have been pissed if they woke me up. Now I just took my night meds and something to move my bowels. I haven’t gone since last week.