Tag: chronic illness

dreary day despite the sun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dreary day despite the sun

I have been in a depressed mood for most of the day. This pain is getting to me in an awful way. Then my settings on my word doc got changed while copying and pasting a blog and I haven’t been able to get them right. I have no idea what I did. I figured out how to fix it but I have to do it on each document. Frustrating. I will google the settings later.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions. I also got a bag of chocolates. Then I got reprimanded by the pharmacy tech for not buying the 75% off chocolates. I don’t like Russel Stovers and besides, it not like my foot will allow me to shop. Just ring up my purchase and I will be on my way, thank you. She kept on going on and on until a line formed behind me. Bitch. I usually get along with this person but from now on, I will just use the front registers for my purchases other than meds.

I was sweating by the time I came home so I decided to take a shower. I was risking it but I didn’t care. I needed to shower. I felt better afterwards. As I was coming up the stairs, my phone was ringing. My sister had called me. I called her back and she said she was with my mother at the hospital to get her foot checked out. As they were going to the car, she noticed my mother was off and looked hypo. Sure enough, her sugar was 31. It took a little bit to get her sugar back up to normal. So my sister had to stay another two hours at the hospital. She wanted me to feed her daughter. I was hungry myself as I had nothing to eat all day, so I made us some eggs.

I got a craving for ice cream so I put it on my grocery order for tomorrow. I tried to keep it under $100 but I never seem to be able to do this. I was able to get a $5 off my order though, so that is something. I had to get my bacon because both my mother and I like it so much. She cooks it more than I do but she leaves a few pieces of it for me. I haven’t been able to make my bacon sandwiches because of the pain I have been in. I am going to try this weekend. I just need one thing to make me feel like a human again. Even if I end up in bed the rest of the weekend, at least I tried. I haven’t been able to make my pancakes. That is a bummer for me because I love pancakes and I am usually full for the rest of the day.

This talk about food is making me hungry again. If my foot wasn’t hurting, I’d go to the sub shop and get a pastrami sub. I hate not being able to walk. It really sucks! I’m going to rummage through the freezer to see if there are hot dogs. I stole some bread from my sister’s place as we are out right now. My mother hasn’t done her food shopping in a while so we are down to the bare necessities.

suffering once again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Suffering once again

I woke up from a weird dream and had to use the bathroom. My foot exploded soon as I came back to room. I had to call my PCP to make an appointment to see what can be done for my pain but the office wasn’t open yet. I took my regular pain meds and waited a half hour. When I finally got through to my PCP’s office, he didn’t have any openings for this week. So I get to see him next week to discuss my pain. I emailed my psych and let her know. She was worried about me as she called me late last night because I didn’t answer the email she sent me.

I got a week before my appointment. It’s in the early morning so that is going to be fun. I don’t do well in early morning appointments but it was the only one that he had so I took it. I’ll just try and load up on caffeine before the appointment.

I am feeling pretty low so I am just going to stay in bed most of the day. I don’t care. I do have to go to Walgreens to pick up my scripts. I can pick them up in the afternoon. My foot is too sore to make a trip outside right now. I just took a Benadryl to get back to sleep. I’m still debating on taking a strong pain pill, but I will hold off for now. I might take it later this afternoon after my nap if it’s still throbbing.

it’s late so of course I am up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s late so of course I am up

I was up late talking to a friend of mine that was going through some stuff that had to do with my condition that I deal with. It was good talking to her and though my body is desperately wanting to sleep, my head and my neck is saying, You’re funny, not happening. My neck is filled with tension and I can’t seem to massage it out. I also can’t seem to find a comfortable position with my pillow because of this tension. UGH.

My nephew called me and asked if he could spend the night. I let him in and found out he had smoked some weed and it landed him in the ER because it caused some unpleasant side effects. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Why he continues to smoke the shit is beyond my thinking. I think he get a vasospasm in his neck and that just causes him to panic, hence his trip to the ER. Silly kid. So now I am kind of worried about him, which is also keeping me up.

I bought Neil Gaiman’s latest book, Norse Mythology. OMG brain overload! So much information and words that I can’t pronounce! And I only read a few pages in the first chapter! It’s fascinating but OMG this is going to take some studying and processing. Needless to say, it opened my brain more than caused me to shut it off. Wrong book to read at this hour. Should have picked a psychology book to read. I have three of those lying around waiting to be read.

If I could kill my radiator, I probably would do it right now. It’s been hissing up a storm every hour or so and each time it does, it scares the crap out of me. My PTSD hasn’t had a chance to recover. I keep telling myself it’s the damn radiator and I am safe but I get scared and it doesn’t work. So I freak out until the next hissing. Fun. Another reason I can’t sleep.

I’m so very tired but my brain just won’t shut down. I wish I had a switch like my laptop does. That would be so wonderful. I am going to try and lie down one more time to see if Morpheus will find me. Otherwise, I will go back to Odin and Thor and see what I can get from them.

going insane with pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Going insane with pain

I have been trying to sleep for the last couple of hours. Every time I move my damn foot, it counters with pain. I tried without the covers, with the covers, hanging my foot off the bed. Nothing is working. Meds aren’t touching the pain because it’s nerve pain so I got to wait for the Neurontin to kick in, which is whenever it feels like it. I haven’t quite timed it right so I never know when it is going to work. I do feel sleepy from it and groggy but it’s not enough to knock me out entirely. I just took an Ativan so I hope that will help me sleep.

I sent my therapist the blog I wrote. I thought she should have the last blog I wrote about her. I am really going to miss her a lot. On a whim, I emailed the new therapist that my Twitter friend sent me. I hope she is taking new clients. It will really suck if she isn’t. I will feel really bummed out. I hate having another female therapist but I think there are more female ones in the area than males. In the 26 yrs that I have been in therapy, only 3 have been males. I have had 13 therapists.

I am in so much pain that I am thinking of ways to cut off my damn ankle. Fortunately, I don’t have the equipment handy to do the deed. I did have an idiot friend of mine willing to lend me her chainsaw. She catches one or two of my posts and doesn’t realize what I need it for. Drives me crazy. I don’t know if I would ever be able to really cut off my ankle but I do fantasize about it a lot. Then at least the pain that I felt would be justified. The pain that I feel right now isn’t because of some injury or anything. It just fucking hurts. There is swelling but that is it’s only symptom besides pain. I fucking hate this pain syndrome because there is different types of pain every single night. Sometimes it’s my ankle, or my toes, or my foot, or another part of my ankle. I can’t keep up with the changes and the different kind of pain that I feel. It is frustrating and then when you see the doc, they think you are just making it up. Least it feels that way to me.

I am really sad that I don’t have a therapist anymore. I miss having someone to talk to every week. It really kept me sane even if we talked about the same thing every week. But it was getting frustrating with my therapist because her anxiety just kept getting in the way of me talking about things. Then she would go on a talking binge and I couldn’t get a word in edge wise. It was really bumming me out because I felt like it was MY time and it turned into HER time most of the session. I hope my next therapist isn’t like that. I hope the new therapist responds to the email I sent her. I really hope so. If she isn’t taking new clients then I will really be bummed. I also hope she can help me cope better with my chronic pain. That would be so neat. But we’ll see. I am really nervous about her response. She might want me to just call her office number, which I have but if she isn’t taking anyone, why would she do that? I am just nervous about it. It’s hard seeing someone new.