Tag: chronic illness

Ramblings 78

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’m feeling very low. I can’t seem to stay awake so I made myself a cup of tea. I couldn’t be bothered with the process of making coffee. My comforter is in the dryer so I should have it shortly to take a nap before my niece’s birthday party. I am just so wiped out.

My hip is being a bitch. I guess I pulled it a little more than I thought I did while changing my sheets. I tried doing a few exercises for the hip but it had no effect. Even the pretzel maneuver did nothing but I did stretch my buttock. I am cold and I just want a damn snooze. It’s 50 degrees out and I am cold. Makes no sense.

I want to write but I don’t know what to fucking write and this frustrates me. I was thinking of a story last night but nothing came of it. I am starting to think this writing thing is just something my therapist and psychiatrist want me to pursue so I have something to do with my time rather than have a career with. I haven’t sold any books lately. I sold one book the beginning of the month and that has been it. It’s hard to go on writing when you know you got to self-promote. I wish I could talk to writers about their work and what they are going through. The groups I joined on Facebook are just not for that kind of thing. And other writers are not so keen to let their writing secrets available. I have been following a writer’s tip on Twitter and they just say you got to write. I write every day on my blog, and I am happy with it. If that is the only thing I do a day, then I am happy. But it makes me depressed because I feel like I should be doing more.

I don’t know what the more would be. Maybe reading a book about writing will help. Only thing is, I can’t start something new until I finish one of the three books I have started. I don’t feel like reading today. All my energy went out the window when I changed my sheets. I really don’t feel like going to this party tonight but my niece is important to me so I will go anyways. I won’t stay too long. Just until cake is served and then I will disappear.

Last night I was looking through a book I just bought on Cognitive Therapy and suicidal patients. The safety planning was the same as what I printed out. They had a card version which I think will be better than a sheet. It really sucks being disabled. I don’t know what to do with myself. I need a routine and I don’t have one or can’t stick with one.

Tomorrow I got to make sure I eat something hearty as I will be with my father and the last thing I need is low blood sugar. I also need to make coffee because I won’t be going to Starbucks tomorrow. I have to remember a few things to bring with me. Tomorrow is going to be close to 60 degrees. I need to remember to dress appropriately or I am going to sweat my ass off. I will wear jeans and a light sweatshirt. I plan on bringing my tablet so I can read if I am inclined to. I know he is going to be in there for at least ½ hour. Wednesday is going to be a longer day as we got to meet with the doctor. My youngest sister will be with me. I am glad I don’t have to go alone with him to these appointments. I would really lose my fucking mind. He is getting more ornery and cranky lately and I think it’s because the ass doesn’t eat. Maybe I will make him a sandwich and see if he will eat it. I don’t believe I just said that. This will be the routine for the next two weeks. I am so not looking forward to it.

I haven’t had any ankle pain today, not above my normal anyways. I know that the temp changes are going to wreck havoc for me. I think that is why my back has been aching so much lately. We went from the 20s to the 50s. it’s supposed to be reasonably warm all week. I hope it stays this way but it is February. Things can change. I am glad the Farmer’s almanac was wrong about this year. Last year was brutal so I don’t think this year will be.

I think tomorrow I am going to search for PTs. I have to find one that is close to me. I would really like to go to the one in Boston next to the hospital I go to but they haven’t called me back. I will try again tomorrow morning. Hope I get a human and not a voice recording. Going back to PT just feels like a defeat. I know that I need it because my back is all messed up, but I feel like I should be able to be okay or do the exercises by a book or something. And I am worried that any strength/conditioning is going to flare up my ankle. If this happens, I doubt I am going to complete the course prescribed. And I don’t want them messing around with my ankle. I went through a course of therapy with my ankle and it didn’t fare well. I was in more pain than I was before. And I better have a therapist that is willing to work with me than say do this or else. I just hope that me waiting another 2 weeks doesn’t cause more damage than what I already have. The weird part is, I feel like I can do without therapy and then my hip will flare up.

Not Ready to Make Nice

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Not Ready To Make Nice

This song has been running in my head today. The lyrics are poignant and sharp. I am not a big Dixie Chicks fan. This song is the only song of theirs that I own. And for all I know this is the last song they recorded. I think the song is about the inherent hatred in the States at the time the song was written. The line about how a mother could teach her daughter to hate a perfect stranger speaks volumes. And then the line about “shut up and sing or my life will be over”. The Chicks got death threats after they made some comments about the current president, George W. Bush. They were a rival group who then drifted off. The reason the song is in my head today is that one of the psychologists I follow on Twitter has been going on and on about racism, how we are brought up with it, and how people are even if they say they are not. It has been bothering me all week but I can’t tell him to shut up. Who am I to tell another person this? It is HIS views on the matter. He is a white gay male and I still haven’t figured him out. Just when I think I have, he blows my mind again. He is interesting, that is for sure.

The song talks about forgiveness as well. That part resonates with me. “They say time heals everything, but I’m still waiting”. Have a listen to it. It really is a great song.

I did a few errands today then made coffee. It was good but I couldn’t finish the cup. I think I put too much cream in it. I have no plans for the day now that my errands are done. I might print off the research article so I can read it. I have been planning on doing it the last few days but can’t manage to stand up to print it. I really should clear off my bed so I can change my sheets and then print it out. Thing is, I know that changing my sheets is going to kill me for the rest of the day like it always does. I am not looking forward to it.

I didn’t take my meds last night. I haven’t really taken all my meds all week. I just haven’t been in the mood to guzzle 12 pills. So I just been taking what is necessary, or what I feel is necessary. My doc sent in my 90 day supply for my blood pressure pills but they haven’t been delivered yet. They are on route. I don’t know why sometimes I get it the next day after processing and then sometimes a week after. Makes no sense. I am running low so just been taking it once a day rather than twice a day. I really don’t want to run out. I have been monitoring my BP just to make sure it stays within normal limits. I have my other BP med to try and keep it stable until I get my new script. Tomorrow I will fill my pill box for the week so I am not playing hodgepodge. The only med that I might run out of is my allergy pill. I totally forgot to order it from Amazon but getting my groceries were more important. I have no idea why money is tight this month. I think it’s because I paid my cell phone bill twice so I can be ahead of it. I haven’t fallen behind but I like to stay a month ahead if I can.

I want to try and save money this year. It’s going to be difficult because I am on a fixed budget but I am trying to see if it’s possible. Even if I save $200 that will be something. And something is better than nothing.

I need to shower today. It’s been two days since my last one and I want to try and keep the every other day schedule. Right now I don’t feel like it but the day is still young. The coffee gave me some energy so I am going to use that to clear my bed off. Even if I take off just a few items, that will be an accomplishment. I have this corner of my bed that tends to accumulate stuff. I don’t know how it happens. I am going to tackle that area first and see how my back does. Just walking to do my errands today put a little strain on it. I really can’t wait to go to physical therapy. I really want this kink in my hip to be gone. That is the frustrating thing because once it flares up, I can’t do anything. I can’t stand or walk. I can only sit and rest until it goes away. Then my day is done. I hate back pain.

Least Make it Feel Like Night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Least Make it Feel Like Night

My Pats lost. I am in agony both sports wise and in pain. I never had my margarita. The whole game was back and forth. It was a tough game to watch. I missed most of the third quarter. Then watched parts of the fourth. I couldn’t handle it. There should have been at least one unsportsmanlike conduct when the Broncos sacked Brady and then the guy was pulling at his crotch. That was uncalled for.

Now I don’t know what I am going to do. After my Pats play, I hit a depression until March when spring training begins. Catchers and pitchers report to Fort Meyers in a couple of weeks. I’ll get to see the idiotic face of Dave Price now more than I ever wanted to. I hate this guy so much. He is such a player with no meaning, and I don’t mean as in a baseball player. The guy just makes me sick. And we have him for the next 3-7 years. This weekend they had a Sox fan weekend in I think Foxwoods, which is in Connecticut. Mr. Price couldn’t make it because of the snow in Nashville. But Ramirez was there and we had to hear how confident he is at 1B by several people, including the GM. I really think he is going to suck at that position like he sucked in LF. Just wait until Pedroia throws him a pitch that should be caught and he drops it thus missing for a double play. He is not my favorite player. Actually there are three people I don’t like that are playing for the sox: Sandoval (aka Panda), Price, and Ramirez. Going to be an interesting season. I will be boycotting the game on NESN and just be listening via radio or Twitter.

I forgot to refill one of my important pills so I can’t take it tonight because I don’t have it. So tonight is hodgepodge night. I will just take what I feel like taking. I thought it was later than 1900 but it’s 1845. I took one of my meds really early. I am tired anyways so I’ll just take my pain meds and call it a night. I might wake up around midnight/0100. If I do, I will probably write another blog.

I feel like such a jerk because I didn’t refill my meds. This is the second time that I forgot. I think it’s because I threw away the pack before I refilled it that I forgot, but then I had a LOT going on last week and the pain didn’t help any. I got to get my haircut in the morning when that barber shop opens. I will be so disappointed if they are closed. I got to remember to bring my Times article with me. I told them I would bring it in the next time I got my haircut.

I’m going to have to start writing things down on the calendar so I don’t forget refills for my pills. I have to keep track because it’s not a 30 day schedule they have me on and I forget. I am trying to be better at refilling my meds before they run out instead of when they run out. Like one of my blood pressure pills. I always wait until I am down to my last week before refilling it. I feel like such a loser but this medication I get a special deal at Stop and Shop where I only pay $10/90 day supply for the script whereas if I went through my regular pharmacy, I would pay twice that amount and only get a 30 day supply. It saves to shop around for medication.

Energized and then caput!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Energized and then caput!

I woke up around 0700 after waking up at 0500. I was going to go back to sleep but wanted coffee badly and something to eat. I don’t know if I am hypomanic or not but I feel really good and energetic. That was until I hurt my foot and had to take pain meds. I was feeling goofy and ecstatic, which I rarely feel. I still feel good and in good spirits but I kind of lost my energy after eating lunch. I was going to go out today but I was so fearful of a flare up that I decided to stay home and watch movies. I have seen one movie today, The American President. It is my favorite movie. My next movie is going to be Bull Durham, but I am not sure when I am going to watch it.

I went down the stairs like a normal person today and paid the price. Just stepping in a downward motion caused severe pain. I usually go down the stairs step one step because of this but because I was feeling “high”, I decided to go down step after step. Wrong move. I couldn’t believe it. It kind of brought my “high” down a few notches. I limped to the kitchen to get whatever it is that I needed to get. I am just so feeling mixed feelings. I think I am in a mixed state more so than hypomanic. My moods have been shifting. I also want to do many things but I can’t because of bloody pain. Right now, my ankle/foot is throbbing up a storm. I am sure I will become depressed again once the pain meds kick in. They usually make me drowsy anyways. I only took one pill so hopefully it won’t make me too drowsy like two pills will. I don’t want to sleep like I did all day yesterday. It is so hard to put the brakes on my high energy levels when I am in pain. I almost never have energy and I want to use it up. But I don’t have the capacity to read. I think if I did, I probably dissociate. I just feel really weird. It’s not like me to have energy and feeling good. I don’t know what to do with myself. I probably would tackle the corner of my room that is aggravating me.

Because I am still waiting the decision on my SSD, I wanted to pay double for my cell phone and cable bill. I checked to see what my cable bill was and it went up six fricken dollars. I am like WTF. I checked my previous bill and it explained that the broadcast and sports fees went up. I don’t watch TV so I went to my mother to find out what channels she watches and to see if I could get a downgrade for my bill. I did. I am saving a whopping $17. It’s not much but it will be better in the long run. I hated paying over a hundred dollars for TV and I hardly watch it. I only watch it when my games are on. I can’t watch my shows because I am usually too tired to watch them and I can’t record them anymore because I don’t have TiVo. Another reason I changed packages was because they took away my CMT channel. The whole reason I went to the preferred package was to get country music. Now that I no longer have this, screw the package I am on. I hope they take away the sports fee because I no longer get the MLB channel anymore. It was a hard decision to get rid of a sports channel I love but I hardly ever watch it because they mostly show games I don’t want to see. Only time they will show things I want to see are the no-hitters in progress or something. That is exciting to watch.

Starting tomorrow, we are supposed to get a huge snowstorm. I really don’t think it’s going to be anything more than a few inches but they keep changing their stories as to how much we will get. I know we are getting something because my pain is through the fucking roof. My spine is aching, my hip pain is killing me and don’t get me started on my ankle/foot. That has been bothering me all damn week.

It’s weird to be in a positive state of mind. I just don’t understand it. Yesterday I was in gloomville, today I am the opposite. I haven’t changed my meds or anything, though I did take my night meds really late last night. I had fallen asleep after dinner and didn’t wake up till 2200 or so. It’s so going to mess around with my hormone pill by taking it late. I usually take my meds around 2000. That is because I am usually wiped out. I don’t think I will be wiped out today. I am still in an energetic mood. I so want to do something but I am in too much pain to really stand on my feet or walk. I might use my grabber to clean that area of my room that I is aggravating me. Most of the stuff just needs to be picked up and thrown away. I have decided that if it has been sitting in a place for more than 6 months, I don’t need it so toss it. Shit on my desk needs to be gone but I can’t reach my desk because of the damn shit in front of it. Once I can clear a space, I can put my printer on my desk rather than have it on my desk chair.

I hope this feeling good lasts a little while but I have a feeling taking my pain meds is going to knock out the feelings. It happened when I was in the hospital after taking remeron. I got a little hypomanic and then was down after taking my meds. It sucked but they probably would have discharged me if I was hypo. The crash was horrible though. I think I felt more suicidal than I did when I first came into the hospital. It was bad. Then Robin Williams died and so did I. I had no reason for living. Things just sucked all around. But things got better with the antidepressant. I gained weight, which my PCP was thrilled about and I haven’t been able to lose it. Docs don’t understand that when you are immobile like I am that meds can cause weight gain and then it sucks trying to lose it. They give you the rap like it’s not good for this and that but do they offer ways to lose it, no. Like you are just supposed to wish it away or something magical to happen to make you down to their expected weight guidelines. Bastards. I am lucky I don’t get the shit from my psychiatrist. I would go off on her because my psych meds are the reason I gained so much meds. And the Neurontin doesn’t help. I have been eating since I have been up this morning because I took a dose of meds yesterday.