Tag: chronic pain

lot of “running” around today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Lot of “running” around today

I had a bad night of sleeping. I didn’t fall asleep until after 0330. My check came in at 3, so I paid some bills and ordered a new laptop screen and groceries. It has been a long time since I ordered from Ebay so the password thing was ridiculous. I was doing it all from my phone and it was hard. I miss my laptop so much. I hope I ordered the right screen and I can install it without a problem. It will be delivered Monday.

I slept but it wasn’t a good sleep as I woke up several times. I kept on turning on my back, which caused my back to hurt, waking me up. I woke up around 11 and didn’t want to get up but had to make some calls to begin the process of changing my name on things. Benefits called me saying to call them back. I did and they said I had to call another HR person to change my name, even though it was changed in the system. I called the HR person and they didn’t know what to do with me so they told me to call my generalist HR person. I left her a message and she called me back, though she didn’t know what to do. I had to fax her the certification of my name change. This was after I had already faxed my credit cards their stuff. One credit card I have to mail in the documents they need, which is my license with the new name. I hope to do this Friday but it depends if I have the money to do it as I need to renew my license as well. It might be too early. I am not sure. I need to go to the RMV office as I can’t update online, probably because I need a new picture.

After the faxing, I went to my bank to change my name. It was a learning experience for the two women. I gave a shout out to them on twitter. I was able to get a new debit card at the branch, which was cool. I was worried because I will need my card to pay my bills tomorrow when my bigger check comes in. My ankle started hurting big time when I came home. I hope I am not up till 3 again. I am really tired. I did over 3,000 steps today, according to the health app on my phone. The yesterday I did over 6,000, which is a record for me.

My bro in law had a plumber work on the heating system today. I was glad I was out of the house as he had me turn it up to 90. It was hot and humid today so being outside was better than being in with the heat being turned on. It was still sweltering when I came home. I have the AC on to cool things off. I really don’t want to go to PT tomorrow. I might cancel, if I wake up early enough. Depends on how I feel. My ankle has been going all month more than any other month. My stamina is not what it used to be, either. I am really tired but because of pain, I can’t sleep. Last night, I really wanted to put a cast on my foot/ankle because any movement caused me severe pain. At one point, it hurt so bad after I moved it I just wanted to die right then and there. I was punching my pillow and screaming it hurt so much. I learned that I couldn’t kick off the comforter with my bad foot. I was hot and just wanted the sheet on me. Bad move! I don’t know what I was thinking. If I do go to PT tomorrow, I am going to ask her if I can put my ankle in the boot I have. Maybe that will help. I don’t know. The braces that I have are not helping to keep it from moving. I know that might not be a good thing but it hurts to move it the way it should. And it drives up my suicidality when I am in severe pain like that.

hot day in Oct

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hot day for Oct

I had a rough time trying to go to sleep as any movement of my ankle/foot caused pain. I eventually did fall asleep and then woke up after 8. I took my pain and BP meds. My bowels were awful. I kept having to go so I took some Imodium after the second trip. Then I fell back to sleep until my loud mouth aunts came to see my mother. Apparently, my cousins were throwing one of my cousins who was pregnant a brunch. No one told me this. I got up after the loud mouths left and had some sliders.

My sister made my mother a plate so she had that for lunch. I’m still full so haven’t made supper. It was nice out so my brother in law decided to work on our heat system. My room is like 90 degrees with the AC cranking on full blast. It’s so hot in my room. I think he is trying to get all the air out of the system or something. I don’t know. He was telling my mother towards the end of last winter that a plumber needed to fix the system so why he is doing this, I have no fricken clue. I hate the heat. I am not in a good mood right now.

The Red Sox have named a former player as their manager. They fired their manager, John Farrell, after they didn’t advance in the playoffs. I hope the 2018 season is better but only time will tell. I really liked John and will miss him.

I emailed my psych really late last night to tell her I had a date. I didn’t tell her what it was, I never do as it can change like the weather. I have therapy tomorrow. I had told him that the 30th would be our last session. I didn’t tell him why and he didn’t ask. I’m sure we will talk about it tomorrow.

I wanted to take down my recycle today but keep forgetting about it. Think I’ll just put it in a trash bag and when that is full it will be easier to bring down. I can just throw it down the stairs without having to carry it.

Because it’s been so hot in my room, I’ve been chugging water. Hope this doesn’t lead to being up all night going to the bathroom. I have been having a low pain day so far but I really haven’t done much. I mostly been sleeping other than going down to the bridal shower for some snacks. I was glad they didn’t have anymore donuts. Those are my nemesis right now. I had bought a pumpkin donut from the local donut shop. I left it in the paper bag for about 2 days and the grease was awful. It soaked up the bag and I was like eewww. Not buying them again.

random Friday blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random Friday Blog

I had a hard time sleeping because of pain. I woke up around 8 and took my blood pressure and pain pills. Then I used the bathroom. I didn’t brush my teeth as standing hurt too much. I haven’t done it in two days now and really don’t care. I wanted to go back to sleep but it was difficult. Then my loud mouth aunt came over and forget about sleep. While I was trying to doze, I got an internet call. I let it go to voicemail and then listened to the message. It was the courthouse wanted me to call them back. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone so I waited a while.

I was really hungry as I didn’t eat anything in about 24 hours. I didn’t want to eat with my aunt and mother in the kitchen so I waited for them to go to the living room. I was just in an off mood and didn’t want conversation, at all. I made four sliders and had some Fresca, which is a diet soda, the only kind I drink. It was yummy. I then went upstairs where my ankle/foot acted up again. I called the courthouse and left as message as no one answered.

My loud mouth aunt left after about a half hour so I finally fell asleep. I slept for about four hours and had the strangest dreams. When I woke up, there was a message from the courthouse. I need to go in on Monday! I won’t be going early, just around 11 or so. It is going to be a long day because I have therapy in the afternoon. Think I will take the bus to Harvard Square and hang out there for a bit. I don’t know how long it will take at the courthouse. I am excited as I will finally have the name that I want.

I’m still depressed. I don’t want to do anything. I need a shower but I hurt too bad to stand. I’ve been trying to do the PT stuff but it’s hard when you are in so much damn pain. Last night when my pain was high, I took pics of my feet and ankle. My PT wanted me to. So I did and then I sent them to her. She responded that they were for me. WTF. I hate looking at my feet let alone someone else’s. I haven’t done the app thing because I just don’t feel like doing a damn thing today. I just want to die. It will be soon, I hope.

PCP appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

PCP appt and other things

I woke up in pain, again around nine. I used the bathroom and took my pain meds. Then I just laid in bed. I didn’t want to go back to sleep as I knew that would mess me up. I really didn’t want to go but this appointment was the next step to getting my transition started. My mood really sucked so I had to push myself for most of the day. It was exhausting and pain didn’t help matters.

I got to Starbucks and a woman approached me. We had met during my last hospitalization and she is now living in the area. I asked her if she still had my number. She did and she said she’d call. I doubt it. I haven’t heard from her since I left the hospital and I totally can’t think of her name. But it was good bumping into her.

I had something to eat and my espresso. I tried writing but was distracted. My ankle bone was really hurting. I tried to do some imagery exercises the PT wanted me to do to distract myself. I only got so far. I then started doing some of the belly tightening exercises she wanted me to do. That didn’t help me either. I did like 5 of them before I stopped. I didn’t feel like doing anything else. I used the bathroom before leaving and went to my appt.

I got there with time to spare. Supposedly my doc was on time, but I didn’t see him till 20 minutes past my appt. He read my psych’s note and found I wanted to be called he and G. I said yes. I told him I needed the notes from today so I could go to my next step for transitioning and he almost started to talk me into going there for my healthcare. Don’t think so buddy. Least not for now, anyway.

I then brought up that I wanted to be put on a longer acting pain med. That is when my being fat came into play. He said because I was obese, I might have a sleep disorder and that is why I wake up in the middle of the night not because of pain. Yea okay. He wants me to have a sleep study done before he thinks about going on a longer acting med. Fine, whatever. Did I mention I was hurting NOW?? I emailed my psychiatrist. I think she is fed up with me because she hasn’t responded to any emails I have sent her the past week. I’ve sent her whacky things the past few days, mostly late at night when I can’t sleep due to pain.

My suicidality has increased. I don’t know what the point in sticking around is. My doc said that the neuro says I have a nerve injury and, just like I thought, that pain meds are not good for it. It will be only a matter of time before he takes me off them. I hope I will be dead by then.