Tag: chronic pain

PCP, More Pain, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

PCP more pain and other things

I had about 2 hours sleep last night. I woke up to see my PCP. The bus was running late. I got to the Square around 0700, which left me an hour for the appt. I had reloaded my Starbuck card with the cash I was saving for take out. I need my espresso more than pizza. One the way to the Square, I ordered my drink and a donut. I didn’t feel like eating a breakfast sandwich as I wasn’t that hungry. I got 6 shots of espresso to keep me awake. I was really drowsy.

The doc was late. Guess his kids didn’t want to go to school. I don’t blame them. We talked and I told him why I was there. He then examined my ankle. It didn’t hurt too bad as it was still in the early part of the morning. He was reluctant to send me to OT, occupational therapy, but did refer me to physical therapy. I am not sure if I am going to go that route or not. The last time I tried it, it hurt me more than helped me. He gave me the PT prescription and I left.

I was too tired by that point to form sentences. I just wanted to get home and sleep. My mother was home and it took me a while to lay down. When I did, holy moly, my ankle and foot hurt worse than it ever did. I was seeing stars. I was clenching my jaw so much, my teeth were hurting. I emailed my psych about this. Then I emailed my PCP the same message. Some how I managed about 2 hours of sleep. It was tough because I basically couldn’t touch my ankle and neither could the sheet. It got really cold despite it being warm in my room so I put on a thermal sock. I tried sleeping on my back with my head reclined but that was a no go. I had to sleep on my side. After taking both pain meds and an Ativan, I was starting to settle down. I kept on imagining other things to distract myself while the meds went to work. It was hard because I got so panicky. I knew my mother was going to call me so I blocked her. I then fell asleep.

While I slept, she called twice. She made some pasta so I had some. I really wanted my Salisbury steak dinner so I made that. It was the only things I had all day. I drank two big glasses of iced tea. I’ll probably have to keep going to the bathroom now.

That’s all I have for today. Think I am going to try and sleep some more.

Random 911 Post

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 911 post

Remembering all those that perished this day 16 years ago and the military that died fighting over the past 16 years. Their lives were not lost in vain. Never forget that dreadful day.

I went to therapy today. I didn’t talk much as there was nothing I felt like talking about. I thought he would bring up the text I sent him about my suicidal plan but he didn’t. I knew he wouldn’t. He spent most of the time picking his nails, even during the time I was silent. Think I’m just going to refer him as Nail Picker from now on.

I forgot to put some pain meds in my pocket pill box so I went without them again. I am paying the price for it now. My ankle is really hurting. On the safe side, I am using my cane around the house. I’m supposed to start the lower dose of Invega but I will wait till tomorrow.

It’s warm today so I had the AC running when I finished my dinner. My mother made stir fry chicken. It was good. Now I’m cold so I shut it off. I had it running before going to sleep, which was not a good idea as the temp dropped below 60 degrees. I woke up around 0330 freezing my ass off. Then I woke up 3 hours later due to my med alarm going off. I really didn’t want to get up at 1 but I was low on Starbucks cash so couldn’t get something to eat there. I had just enough for my espresso, which was more important. I had a bowl of cereal. I then got dressed as the time changed for the bus.

All day Facebook and Twitter were offering remembrances of the events that occurred on this day. It was sad. And then you had a few jerks that talked about it all being a conspiracy. No asshole 2 planes went into the Twin Towers, 1 went into a cornfield in Pennsylvania and another went into the Pentagon. By terrorists!! Makes me so mad that people come up with other ideas. If this had happened during Trump’s admin, I might buy it as a whole bunch of government lies are being told daily, chiefly by him. But Bush? I don’t think so.

I listened to Pearl Jam most of the time I was out, least until my Bluetooth headset lost power as I forgot to charge it. After therapy, I just wore a wired headset. You really get used to a wireless headset and don’t realize what a pain it is to use a wired set.

I have an early morning appointment with my PCP tomorrow. I am kind of nervous about it. I need his input about my ankle giving out on me. I also want a referral to occupational health to see if they can help get me a brace of some sort around the house so I don’t have to use a cane or hang on to the walls for support. It happens randomly and I’ve noticed it happens more when my ankle is fatigued. It feels really tired and just doesn’t want to operate anymore. Then I am hit with intense pain so bad that I can’t bear weight on it. I will be very upset if he doesn’t do anything about it and tells me to wait until next month for the new neuro appt. I’ll lose it on him or on someone. If I could wear my AFO around the house, I would but my sense of sensing where my foot is is not that great and even worse when I wear the thing. I really don’t want to fall down my stairs.

I have a feeling, I am not going to get much sleep tonight because I am in a lot of pain right now. I still need to take my night meds. Standing up is going to be fun. Maybe I should take a strong pain pill now so it doesn’t get worse. But that is no guarantee it will work the way I hope it will. If there was another time available for my PCP I would have taken it because I am not a morning person. I’ll be lucky if I get at least 3 or 4 hours sleep. What really sucks is because the appt is so early, my pain is going to be low and my ankle should be functioning the way it should be. That is the frustrating part of this damn condition, CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. It never acts up at doctor appts. But if I am sleep deprived, the ankle might not act the way it should. I guess if I had confidence in my doc, I wouldn’t be worried. This will only be the 4th or 5th time seeing him since we met last December. He is very cautious and likes to think on things a little too much, in my opinion. I still haven’t figured out if this is a good or bad thing. It is annoying as you are just waiting for him to come up with some kind of plan or treatment. Maybe I shouldn’t have coffee so I can be grumpy, LOL

Sunday Blog 10 Sept 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 10 September 2017

I was up till at least 0330. That was the last time I looked at the clock, least until my med alarm went off. I was in a lot of pain. My foot was on fire so I took it out from under the blankets and I have no idea what I did but my ankle didn’t like it. I was hurting so bad. I had to take a strong pain pill and then I started getting anxiety from the pain so I took some Ativan.

My mother called me around 1500 to see where I was and what I wanted for dinner. She asked why I was sleeping and I said because of pain. She then asked if I had pain medication to take. Really?? Just because I do, doesn’t mean it works right away or that it takes the pain away 100%. I was too tired to argue with her so just let her talk. It just angered me that after all this time, she still doesn’t get it.

I took a shower and decided to wear my American Association of Suicidology shirt that I got. Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I posted a pic of me wearing it on my social media. I look like a girl. My stupid breasts are huge and my smile is dorky. I hate taking pictures of myself.

My bad foot slipped in the shower a few times and then while I was walking to go back to my room, it gave out on me. I didn’t bring my cane down because it wasn’t bothering me. I did the best I could going up the stairs. I then did my meds for the week and took another strong pain pill. I tried putting on the brace that I have but when I put a little pressure on the top of my foot to secure the Velcro, that set off more pain. I am so tired I just want to go back to sleep but I know that if I do, I won’t sleep through the night.

I have been thinking about the people down in Florida who are being flooded by Irma. Miami is nothing but water. I hope no one drowns or gets killed. The sheriffs have issued warnings not to shoot at Irma. I swear the Floridians are just gun happy people that will shoot at anything or anybody.

I’m going to try and stay up till 8 pm. I don’t know if I will be successful as I am really tired now. I feel really hungover and I hate that feeling. Tomorrow I am going to try and call the court and find out what method of payment they take to get my name change and which courthouse to go to as there are two buildings. I really want to be able to change my name at the end of the month. I am excited and scared of doing this. I know when I do, there will be no turning back but keep moving forward.

I want to have a cup of coffee but it’s after 1800 and if I do have one, it might keep me up all night. I have therapy tomorrow, which I am not looking forward to. I haven’t seen him in two weeks because last Monday was a holiday. Maybe I will make a cup of tea…

pdoc, pain, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pdoc, pain, and other things

I woke up early despite going to bed late. My text alert for the bus I take was going off so thought it was my alarm. My psych sent me an email about the time I woke up to reschedule our appt to an earlier time. That was fine with me. I took a shower and then tried to go back to sleep but I got hungry. I left to catch the bus for the Square so I could eat at Starbucks. I knew it was going to be a long day but I can rest the weekend.

I picked up my scripts at my PCP’s office and then went to my psych’s building. When the time for our appt approached, my ankle bone started hurting and then my toe bones did too. Fuck. I didn’t have medication on me to take because I forgot to refill my pill pack. While I met with my doc, my ankle really hurt and I almost let out a yell while she was looking at my labs. I told her the Invega was causing weight gain. She said I needed fasting blood work and she lowered my dose. Hopefully that helps and I don’t hear the bad voices again. I have been doing well with this med. But I don’t want to weigh 300 pounds either. I have been careful with eating but my appetite sometimes get the better of me. I have a sweet tooth but I am not eating candy all the time or sweets. Mostly it’s regular food but in large quantities. I don’t feel full until my stomach hurts.

We also discussed my ankle pain. She wanted me to see my PCP but he didn’t have any openings until Tuesday. She wants me to bring up the blood work up with him, in case he decides to order anything. I hate getting my blood drawn because I am hard stick. I am going to requested a referral to occupational health to see if they can provide some brace I can walk around the house in to keep my ankle stable. It doesn’t like to be flexed when it goes out and then becomes so painful, I can bear weight on it, making walking really difficult. I can’t use the AFO in the house because I have too many stairs. If my proprioception (sense of sensing, basically) wasn’t off, I don’t think it would be a problem. I just don’t want to fall down the stairs because I couldn’t sense where my foot is and with the AFO, it’s harder to sense where it is. I did buy an ankle support off Amazon that will be coming with today’s mail. It’s a short term fix and I have no idea if it will help but it’s worth a shot.

My fricken ankle is hurting so bad right now, it’s not funny. It’s throbbing and stabbing me. Half my foot and ankle hurts. If I could cut it off, I would. As I was leaving the hospital, I saw a guy with a prosthetic ankle and I was so envious. I know amputation has its own pain but it can’t be worse than what I am going through. I wish I could say this was my “normal” pain but it’s not. It’s bone pain and it’s getting more and more frequent. I don’t like the way this condition is progressing. I have started taking 1000 mg of vitamin C to see if that can help with the pain. I’ve been on it a week now and there has been no change. I am going to give it a month and see if it helps. I am trying to get on top of the pain but it keeps fucking changing and I can’t keep up. Like I wrote the other night, it’s not like I can say okay at this time, I am going to feel this so I should take this med now. Doesn’t work that way and by the time you feel the pain, you are stuck with it for more than hour because that is how long it takes the pills to fucking work. But then the physical pain changes to nerve pain so you need to take another med for that. It’s a never ending game you play. I am sick of it. I want off the rollercoaster, permanently! I hope my PCP can help me or I’ll tell him to fuck off. But the appt is at 0800 so my pain levels are going to be low. Just shoot me now.