Tag: chronic pain

pdoc, pain, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pdoc, pain, and other things

I woke up early despite going to bed late. My text alert for the bus I take was going off so thought it was my alarm. My psych sent me an email about the time I woke up to reschedule our appt to an earlier time. That was fine with me. I took a shower and then tried to go back to sleep but I got hungry. I left to catch the bus for the Square so I could eat at Starbucks. I knew it was going to be a long day but I can rest the weekend.

I picked up my scripts at my PCP’s office and then went to my psych’s building. When the time for our appt approached, my ankle bone started hurting and then my toe bones did too. Fuck. I didn’t have medication on me to take because I forgot to refill my pill pack. While I met with my doc, my ankle really hurt and I almost let out a yell while she was looking at my labs. I told her the Invega was causing weight gain. She said I needed fasting blood work and she lowered my dose. Hopefully that helps and I don’t hear the bad voices again. I have been doing well with this med. But I don’t want to weigh 300 pounds either. I have been careful with eating but my appetite sometimes get the better of me. I have a sweet tooth but I am not eating candy all the time or sweets. Mostly it’s regular food but in large quantities. I don’t feel full until my stomach hurts.

We also discussed my ankle pain. She wanted me to see my PCP but he didn’t have any openings until Tuesday. She wants me to bring up the blood work up with him, in case he decides to order anything. I hate getting my blood drawn because I am hard stick. I am going to requested a referral to occupational health to see if they can provide some brace I can walk around the house in to keep my ankle stable. It doesn’t like to be flexed when it goes out and then becomes so painful, I can bear weight on it, making walking really difficult. I can’t use the AFO in the house because I have too many stairs. If my proprioception (sense of sensing, basically) wasn’t off, I don’t think it would be a problem. I just don’t want to fall down the stairs because I couldn’t sense where my foot is and with the AFO, it’s harder to sense where it is. I did buy an ankle support off Amazon that will be coming with today’s mail. It’s a short term fix and I have no idea if it will help but it’s worth a shot.

My fricken ankle is hurting so bad right now, it’s not funny. It’s throbbing and stabbing me. Half my foot and ankle hurts. If I could cut it off, I would. As I was leaving the hospital, I saw a guy with a prosthetic ankle and I was so envious. I know amputation has its own pain but it can’t be worse than what I am going through. I wish I could say this was my “normal” pain but it’s not. It’s bone pain and it’s getting more and more frequent. I don’t like the way this condition is progressing. I have started taking 1000 mg of vitamin C to see if that can help with the pain. I’ve been on it a week now and there has been no change. I am going to give it a month and see if it helps. I am trying to get on top of the pain but it keeps fucking changing and I can’t keep up. Like I wrote the other night, it’s not like I can say okay at this time, I am going to feel this so I should take this med now. Doesn’t work that way and by the time you feel the pain, you are stuck with it for more than hour because that is how long it takes the pills to fucking work. But then the physical pain changes to nerve pain so you need to take another med for that. It’s a never ending game you play. I am sick of it. I want off the rollercoaster, permanently! I hope my PCP can help me or I’ll tell him to fuck off. But the appt is at 0800 so my pain levels are going to be low. Just shoot me now.

failed nap and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Failed nap and other things

I was supposed to have a phone interview for a back pain study but I overslept. I just could wake up at the time I was supposed to. I got up around noon time and made coffee. I had some of my cookies with the coffee. I had to resort to walking around with a cane because last night, my ankle gave way and I couldn’t bear weight on it. It really freaked me out. I wrote a long post to my various support groups. The only one that was helpful was my CRPS. The others had no clue about CRPS and just thought I twisted my ankle. I didn’t respond to their “helpful hints” as it just made me mad. One person was practically yelling at me to do what she wanted me to do. I wanted to respond back but I didn’t. It took huge restraint on my part.

I brought the coffee up to my room and then tried to write a suicide blog that I had started last night. I couldn’t finish it because the pain got too bad. I had sent the rough draft to a friend to read and he liked it as it was. I added a few things he suggested. Then I published it. It didn’t take me too long so I then fiddled on Twitter. There is a Mental Health Chat going on right now about pain. I’m trying to stay away from it because it can be interpreted so differently. No one’s pain is the same, even if they have gone through the same events at the same time or even the same ordeal. I’m in enough pain today that I just can’t deal with stupid people not understanding what chronic pain is like. I happened to look at one tweet and this idiot was like “you need more ‘wellness solution’ to your problem”. Yeah, because I can cure my injured nerves, no thanks asshole.

Because my pain got worse when I was trying to nap, I also got panicky. I took some Ativan and another strong pain pill. This pain doesn’t want to quit today. The weather is terrible. Rain, humidity, drop in temps, thunderstorms. Ugh. It’s an awful weather day and it’s only going to get worse as these horrific hurricanes come closer to the US coast. I hope my friends and family down in Florida don’t get too much damage and stay safe.

I told my mother I wanted hot dogs for supper and she said fine, make them. So when I get hungry later, I will have my Fenway Franks. Those are my favorite brand of hot dogs. I bought hot dog rolls as I like them better than using bread.

I’m going to try and stay home again tomorrow. I see my psych on Friday afternoon. It’s a late appt. I probably won’t be home till around 5 ish that day. I had emailed her last night when I was freaking out about my ankle but she didn’t reply. I wish there was a way to break the cycle of pain. I’m getting sleepy from the Ativan. I want a snack before trying to take a nap again. But I really should have dinner before I have a snack.

Labor Day 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Labor Day 2017

I slept for a few hours and woke up around 0915. I figure I would make the cookies while my mother was over my aunt’s. Around 0940, she still hadn’t left the house and I was thinking she didn’t feel good to go down the street. I went downstairs and she was using the oven. I asked her what she was making and she said she was defrosting eggplant for the BBQ. My text went off from my sister and as she was talking about this BBQ, the text said BBQ at 1, and my address. I laughed and showed my mother the text. I replied to my sister saying that the BBQ was too far and I didn’t think I could make it, LOL. I asked how long my mother was going to use the oven for because I wanted to make these cookies. She said just till the eggplant is defrosted. I said okay and started preparing.

I zested the lemons and juiced them. The cookies called for the juice of 1 lemon. The ones I bought were small so I used two. I hoped it wouldn’t be overpowering. The frosting called for 2 lemons so I juiced those and set it aside. By the time that was done, my mother was finished with the oven so I increased the temperature to what I needed. The dough was thick as the recipe said it would be. I got to use my new cookie scooper. It make it really easy to put the dough on the baking sheets. I did have to fiddle with the temperature because after the called for time, the cookies weren’t done. Then the higher temps burned the cookies that were on the bottom rack. CRAP. By this time, my ankle was killing me. I let the cookies cool a bit before tasting them. It was good. I had to throw away the burnt cookies as they didn’t taste good, even though I tried to scrape away the burnt bottom. Oh well. I will definitely make these cookies again. I didn’t frost them as my ankle was too sore and I really don’t like frosting on cookies. Maybe for the holidays.

My mother made her eggplant parm and I took a shower, which further annoyed my ankle. I really didn’t want to go to my sister’s BBQ but I can’t pass up BBQ food. I brought some cookies down and my niece liked them. I had a couple burgers and some steak tips. By the time I was finished, so was my ankle. It was giving me the heave ho. I felt bad because my brother in law’s family came over at this time. I hadn’t seen them in a while and would have loved hanging out with them. But I had to put my ankle up on my bed. I said my goodbyes and as I was going up the stairs, my ankle gave way. It didn’t want to work anymore. Great. I dragged it up the two flights of stairs.

I got into bed and then my ankle bone exploded really bad in pain. Strong pain med time! I took a short nap and when I came back up the stairs my bones in my foot were in a lot of pain. I cried. It’s one thing to be in my normal pain but to have bone pain hurts more. Other than relieving my bladder, I’m not leaving my room. The weather was finally a little warmer today so I have the AC on. I’m going to try and read a book this evening as I am cooped up. I hope I am better by tomorrow because I told my barber I would bring him some of the cookies. I see my psych the end of the week and I’m going to bring her some as well.

4 AM Blues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

4 AM Blues

I woke up an hour ago due to pain. It was a good thing because it was 11 hours since my last dose. Not good. I am still feeling the effects of withdrawal as I am a little shaky. I should be feeling better in a little while. But the whole thing has me in a deep depression. I just feel so damn low, like I have gray clouds all around me and that there is a heavy weighted blanket on me. The other night I was lying down and it felt like I had this huge weight on my chest. I hate when I have these feeling because there is nothing I can do about it. I just go on as best I can but it’s so hard to be motivated to get out of bed, shower, brush your teeth, etc.

I want to make lemon and sour cream cookies today but I am not sure I will. I just feel crummy. The recipe is kind of difficult because I have to make zest and use lemon juice. I bought a bag of lemons because I wasn’t sure how many lemons I would need. The lemons are medium size. I think I will need at least 3 to make the cookies and maybe 4 for the frosting, if I feel like making it. I usually don’t like frosted cookies.

I made breakfast as I was hungry. Made an egg and cheese roll up with some Lavash bread. It was good. Then I cleaned up so my mother wouldn’t say anything to me. When I came back to my room, my damn ankle acted up so I took a strong pain pill. It’s kind of cloudy and rainy so it will be a good day to bake. I took out the butter that I need for the recipe. It has to be at room temp.

I finished reading my book, Free Refills. It was about a doctor struggling with addiction and how he got his license back to practice medicine. I couldn’t put it down once I started reading it. It was a really good book. I might write a review on it on Goodreads. I just need to collect my thoughts. Finishing that book made 10 so far this year that I have read. My next book is Harry Potter and the Cursed Child and another book called Sins of the Father by Lawrence Block. I read a few pages of the Harry Potter book. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It is interesting.

I’m going to go back to sleep now. Meds are kicking in and I’m feeling sleepy. I’ll write more later.