Tag: chronic pain

Saturday Blog 2 Sept 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 2 Sept 2017

I’ve had an exhausting day. I woke up at noon after having some difficulty sleeping. I went to bed around 0230 only to wake up 45 mins later coughing because my throat was dry. It didn’t subside despite drinking some powerade so I took some Nyquil. That shit knocked me out and when I woke up, I was hungover. I was really groggy but I wasn’t in pain. I decided to chance going to the Square to get my haircut and do a little shopping. I want to make cookies but we are low on eggs, again. The recipe calls for 4 so I figured getting 4 dozen would be good for my mother and my baking needs. We go through a lot of eggs. I also wanted to get some more turkey breast.

I checked the bus schedule and it wasn’t coming for about 45 mins. I charged my phone as I had it off the charger all night and it was about 40 %. I was still contemplating going as I felt so crappy. But figured having espresso and being out might be good. I haven’t really left the house since Monday for my therapy appt.

I got to the barber’s shop and had to wait as my barber was with someone. I go to the same person every time because I like the way he cuts my hair. We chatted as he cut. I told him I would be changing my name to G and he was excited that I was moving forward on my transition. After the cut, I went to Starbucks and had my espresso and a sandwich. The girl I like was there and she gave me the sandwich. I totally forgot I ordered it so I looked at her blankly when I saw my name on the wrapper. After I ate and had some of my drink, I wrote in my journal for a bit. Then headed to the grocery store to get my things. Their deli counter people are not the friendliest of the bunch. After he finished slicing my order and put a sticker on it, he was talking to someone and I had to wait at least 5 mins for him to give it to me. WTF. Then the same thing happened when I got another deli meat. They really need a crash course in customer service.

The eggs were heavier than I expected. I bought the 4 dozen. I was really careful with carrying them as I am a klutz. Between the weight of the eggs and my bag on my shoulder, I was winded by the time I got home. I am feeling better now but I hate when I wheeze after walking or doing stairs. Just reminds me how out of shape I am and I don’t like it. There really isn’t much I can do about it as I have a bum ankle that doesn’t take me far. The pain crept up as I got home. It’s manageable right now but I know I will need some meds in about an hour when my next dose is. I hope my pain doesn’t flare up. I told my barber I would drop off some cookies to him on Tuesday. I’m not sure if I will make them tomorrow or Monday but I will make them. I don’t want the lemons to go bad or the sour cream.

I need to shower to get the excess hair off my head. Otherwise, I’ll have hair clippings on my sheets and I hate that. I am tired though after all is done. My mother made my favorite dinner, spaghetti with a meat sauce. I thought it was my sauce but she had left over ground beef and cooked it then threw it in the sauce she made the other day. It was good but salty. My mother never thinks so but it was. I never season the beef when I know I will be putting it in something else that has salt in it but my mother doesn’t cook that way.

I think when I shower, I will use my new shower gel. It’s a pear and tree tea or tea tree scented. It is relaxing. Someone at the hospital had it and the shower smelled so nice after being used that I bought it when I got out. I really like it. I normally just use soap but now that winter is coming, I need to use a moisturizing soap as my skin gets really dry and I hate using lotion. There is one lotion I like that isn’t as bad as the others but my leg is sensitive so I need something light. Sometimes it is okay to use on my leg and other times, no way, Jose. Well, pain is creeping up so it’s now or never…

going nuts from pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Going nuts from pain

I finished my chores and ate too much today. I feel like a fat cow right now. I have been trying to be distracted with the ball game but it’s not that interesting to me tonight. I really just want to sleep but pain is all over the place. Basically, half of my foot is being dissected from the “good” part and the rest is hurting like hell.

I am in one of my “I don’t give a shit” moods, which can be a little dangerous. I want relief so bad that I will do anything to achieve it. I took some of this, that, and one other thing that I could take, safely. I can take a little more Neurontin if need be as I only took 600 mg. I’ve been afraid to take it freely because I have the hungry horrors the next day. My stomach is bloated and I hate feeling it. I am grossed out by my own body because of my body image issues. I was doing so well to keep my weight in check but that has all gone to hell. The more I try to restrict, the more I eat. Being hungry all the time doesn’t help. The psych meds I take is causing me weight gain. I’m going to have to bring this up to my psych when I see her next week.

I feel like I should put my foot in a bucket full of ice but I know that will cause me more damage than help me. It might feel good in the beginning but it will cause damage. I hate that. As I posted on my Twitter, I feel like my tendons on the outer side of my foot/ankle are being torn apart. They just feel so inflamed. I just took off my thermal socks and there were indentations where the elastic was. No wonder it was hurting me. Hope it settles down now that it’s off.

In my head, I am making a list of things to get while in the Square. I also want to get my haircut. It’s getting longer than I want it to be. Basically, I just want eggs and turkey breast after I get my espresso or a latte. I have a free drink reward so I might use that tomorrow, if I can get the energy to go out. Mornings are so hard. I set up a time in the morning on Wednesday for a study.  I just hope that I can wake up at that time. Mornings haven’t been kind to me lately.

Sox are winning so far. Score is 4-1 in the bottom of the 9th. I think they lost last night so if they win tonight, they will gain back the ground they lost. They are playing the Skankees and both are competing for 1st place, but my boys are in first and the Skanks are a few games behind. These games are so important now that it’s close to the end of the season. There is just one month left of regular season baseball.

My Buckeyes won last night. They came back from behind. I am so proud of them. It was nice waking up to a win. I couldn’t keep my eyes open after 9 pm last night. I was just dead tired. I am going to try and sleep tonight but I think pain is going to keep me up and I am not looking forward to that at all. I took a strong pain pill and am going to take another Ativan.

I have been taking 1000 mg of Vitamin C the past few days. I am trying to see if it helps my pain any. So far it hasn’t done anything but it’s only been a few days so that is to be expected. I am taking it at night with my night meds. I don’t think I can keep them in my box as they are softgels and it gets a little tacky with this heat, even though it’s cool out, my room is kind of warm. I have the ceiling fan on as I couldn’t stand the smell of the drywall. It’s just a musty type of smell and I can’t stand it. I really need to get something called Rid-X to take the dampness out of my room. I used it before but that was years ago.

I keep fantasizing my death and or how I would cut my ankle off. It’s like a recurring movie or something. I try not dwelling on it but when the pain is so damn bad, I can’t help but think of an escape or that maybe if I did do damage to my tendons it would then be a reason for me to hurt. Not seeing something that is hurting is the hardest part of this condition. But it’s like my mental illness, you can’t see it yet it’s there. I can’t bash my brain in to make it real either. Just doesn’t work that way. But I get so frustrated with my foot and ankle hurting all the time. It’s like I take all these pills to help me and I’m still depressed, I’m still in pain, I’m still wondering what it will be like to not hurt so much all the fricken time. It’s so draining. Just changing my sheets and taking a shower really hurt me. Now I want to sleep but I am overtired, my pain is worse, and I am kicking myself for eating too much. I wonder if my doc will put me on an appetite suppressant so I don’t eat all the time. I think if I had something to go against the urge to eat all the time, maybe I can keep the weight off. I’ll talk to my psych about it. I hate to be on yet another pill but I’m getting worried that gaining weight and not being able to lose it might lead to more health problems, which I don’t need. If I could walk, that would be one thing. But I can’t exercise as that just causes me more pain. It’s a tough situation. And it is very frustrating.

Two chores done!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Two chores done!

I needed to change my sheets and take a shower. When I woke up, I didn’t want to do a damn thing. I sort of made plans with a friend to come over today and when he texted me, I almost cried. There was no way I was up for company. He understood and he sent his hugs so that made me feel a little better.

I then started clearing off my bed and took off the dirty sheets. I brought them downstairs and threw the comforter in the washer. Then I wrestled with the fitted sheet using the clips I bought to keep them on my bed. It was easier putting the clips on my sheet than tucking them under my mattress. I think I did it right. We’ll see. I had to rest when all four corners were in. My back was killing me. I rested for a few minutes and then put the other sheet on and the pillow cases for the pillows. I was thinking of going to the Square but after I took a shower, my ankle is really hurting so it’s not happening. I don’t even think I am going to go to the liquor store for beer. Even though I just did two things, I am in a lot of pain.

I made some lunch and then snacked. My mother will be making dinner soon. I don’t think I am going to eat it. Maybe later in the evening. By the time I was done having lunch, my comforter was done in the dryer. I brought it upstairs and put it on my bed. Now I want to hide under the covers but my sleep has been off the past few days. I am going to try and not sleep until later tonight. I really want to try and go to the Square tomorrow so I can get some more turkey breast. I ran out. I really love making the roll ups with cranberry sauce. It’s like my favorite thing to make because it is so easy. I also love making the tortilla into a burrito with eggs for breakfast. I also need to get more eggs as my mother has just one dozen left. I want to make cookies this weekend. It won’t be tomorrow but maybe Sunday or Monday.

I am feeling really dowsy, like all the energy has been sucked out of me. Maybe I should make some coffee. It’s still early for a cup. But I have a feeling it will be like taking a sleeping pill. If I don’t drink it, oh well. I am going to try it. I need to stay awake as I have been sleeping all morning. I hate when my depression makes me so tired. It sucks.

no sleep again!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

No sleep again

I didn’t fall asleep until 0630 this morning. I was up all night. Every time I wanted to lie down, my foot or ankle or both, acted up in severe pain. I slept for about 7 hours before my damn mother called me wanting to know where I was. I didn’t pick up the phone. I took my pain meds. Then went downstairs to use the bathroom.

A friend had messaged me saying she was at work and I could swing by with my books whenever. I told her I would be by in about a half hour. I really didn’t want to go but I wanted to see my friend. I trudged up the hill to the office she was at and I was hurting. My ankle and toes acted up. I gave her the books and then left. I had an errand to do for my mother so I went to Walgreens. I wanted a drink or a snack so I got a Mountain Dew energy drink. It didn’t give me energy. My ankle is really acting up. I am in a lot of pain. I finished my zucchini bread and the rest of the energy drink. I told my mother I would be ordering Chinese food for dinner. She said ok. I think ordering Chinese is the only thing that she likes me to order. She never gives me a hard time about it but if I order a burger or any other type of food, she does. I don’t get it. It’s not like I am using her money. Whatever.

I’m pretty wiped out. I don’t feel like doing much of anything. I really wanted to change my sheets today but I knew that I would feel shitty when I got up. Guess it will have to wait till tomorrow. I am hurting pretty bad. My ankle just kicked up a few notches so I had to take the strong pain pill. It was hurting so bad my thoughts immediately went to suicide. I’m starting to keep a record of the consecutive days that I think about suicide due to pain only. If I think about suicide because of my depression or psychache, it doesn’t count.

OSU plays their first football game of the season tomorrow. I can’t wait. I have been looking forward to their games all summer. I think the Huskers play on Saturday. I tried downloading the schedule but couldn’t get it. I’ll just have to look online. I used to have the college football app but couldn’t find it in Google Play. I loved that app.

Think I need to take another strong pain pill. Pain is not going down and now my ankle bone is hurting really bad. This makes day 4 of it hurting. Tomorrow I don’t have to do a damn thing, other than change my sheets if I am up to it. I am not going out or anything. It will be a rest day. I’ll shut my phone off so if my damn mother decided to call, it will go directly to voicemail. Maybe I will block her when I sleep. There is an idea. I wish she would leave a reason for her call but she never does. She just says “give me a call when you get a chance” and hangs up. Annoying!