Tag: chronic pain

in my brain, dial it up, everything I want to say

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In my brain, dial it up, everything I want to say

I am totally addicted to “One Number Away”. It has been on repeat since yesterday afternoon. It touches me every time I hear it.

I am going through withdrawal symptoms from my pain meds because it has been 11 hours since my last dose. I have been sleeping all day so didn’t bother to take them when I woke up two hours ago. Sucks being dependent on a drug. And NO, being depended and addicted are two separate things. Being addicted means you need higher amounts of something to feel good. I don’t need a higher dose of my pain meds when I go through withdrawal. I just need to take the dose I take to get relief from the dizziness and lightheadedness that I feel. I almost fell backwards twice today. I thought it was because I am in Neurontin fog but now I think it’s because of the withdrawal. I have just taken my meds so I should be feeling better in about a half hour.

My mother is making dinner right now. Sausages and potatoes. I have a funny relationship with sausages. I like them but sometimes the taste makes me not like them. It’s weird. I’ll probably eat more potatoes than sausages anyway.

I made coffee but couldn’t drink it. It was making me more sleepy so I decided not to drink it all. I had wanted to change my sheets today but I’m not feeling up to it. I bought these clips to hold them in place. I just hope they work and don’t rip the sheets or slip off. I got them cheap on Amazon, just $8. A catalog that my mother gets had them for $14, but it was just 2 clips. I got 3 clips. I hope it keeps my sheet from coming undone after a few days. I hate having to fix it.

I got my suicide prevention shirt from the American Association of Suicidology. I hate not being a member anymore but the fees are too much for my budget, even as a fixed budget fee. I have Twitter to keep me updated on things as people are now posting on social media the slides and stuff at conferences. It makes you feel like you are there.

I’m starting to feel better now that I took my pain meds and ate a little bit. The sweet potatoes weren’t cooked but the zucchini she made was. It was a good dinner. I love zucchini with bread crumbs. She baked it in the oven so it was crispy. Very yummy! I hope I am able to stay awake for a little bit now that the withdrawal symptoms have passed. I try not to let it happen but I have no control over my sleeping pattern. I had woken up in the early morning and didn’t go back to sleep until 0700 then woke up at 1400. It was a good sleep. I hope that I will be able to sleep tonight. I think I will because I am still tired. I’ll change my sheets tomorrow. I really don’t feel like doing that task today. I need to clear my bed off and then take the sheets off. That is the easy part. Finding a place to put my “office” is always difficult. It’s not so bad as mostly it’s just clothes more than books and notebooks like last time. I’ll do it but I need energy and I just don’t have it today.

hurting big time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hurting big time

I made the manwich, which was cooking some ground beef and then pouring in the Manwich sauce. It’s basically a Sloppy Joe. I had three sandwiches as the hamburger buns I bought were small. Then I got to work baking the chocolate zucchini bread. I spent the entire afternoon mixing, baking and cleaning up. The bread didn’t cook right at the temp they said it was supposed to be. Luckily, my sister came over and told me to cook it at a higher temp for 15 minutes more. It came out good but all you can taste is the baking soda. I used dark chocolate instead of milk or semi-sweet. It was really chocolatety and tasted more like a chocolate cake. I liked it but think next time, I am going to use baking powder instead of soda.

By the time I had the bread in the oven, my ankle, foot, and back were killing me. I had called my mother around 1530 to tell her to make whatever she wanted for dinner as I wasn’t up to it. I needed to rest. She misheard me and thought I said I was going to the doctors. She is hard of hearing and I think it’s getting worse as she ages. I never got to rest as my brother in law’s brother came over to say hi. We talked for a bit, exchanging our mental troubles and medications we take. Then my sisters came over so I stayed down to talk with them while I was fixing the stupid bread I was making. My foot was not happy.

My brother in law had bought rotisserie chicken so we had that for dinner. I wanted to go upstairs to my room but stayed to eat and talk with my sisters. My sisters were not speaking loud enough for my mother so both parties were getting annoyed. My mother was having trouble understanding anyway. You have to say the same thing several times for her to get it. It’s frustrating.

My bread is still cooling off. I’ll go downstairs in a little bit and put the cover on it so it doesn’t get hard. I don’t know if I will eat the whole thing in the next few days. It’s only good for 4 days, according to the recipe. But we’ll see. I really like the dark chocolate.

I finally went upstairs after washing my feet as I was barefoot the whole time I was downstairs. My feet always gets dirty while walking around the house as I never wear slippers or socks, especially in the summer time. My foot and ankle were glad I came up to my room. I was shocked that when I turned on the laptop, the battery was dead. It must not have gone into sleep mode when I printed off the recipe and left it unplugged. Oh well. I have it charging now.

I have a feeling I am going to be up all night in pain because I was doing stuff all afternoon. I am glad I don’t have to do anything tomorrow. I am pretty tired but that doesn’t mean anything. Pain is an instigator and likes to do what it wants to do. The bad part is that I took my pain meds around 1400 so I can’t take anymore for another 2 hours. I can take a strong pain pill if I need it. I am hurting but it’s not intolerable, though I should take it so it doesn’t become so. I just hate taking the pill because of side effects. I knew I’d be hurting but damn. Going to the store and then cooking and baking just took so many spoons. I wanted to make coffee when I got home and now I regret it. I had bought a big jug of sweet cream (and it’s really sweet) so I am set for the month to make coffee at home. Tomorrow I will make my Hawaiian coffee and maybe read a bit. I haven’t read since last weekend. Maybe I will tonight as I know I will be up in pain. I should be able to breeze through Rumble Fish.

Dentist and other things 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dentist and other things 2

I woke up in pain so took some pain meds to settle it down. After a while, it didn’t seem to work so I used some lidocaine. Then I made some coffee and breakfast. By the time I finished my coffee, it was time to leave for the dentist appointment. He looked at my gum and said it was still swollen. He wants me to continue to use the rinse. He thinks that it will go away once the bone heals. He doesn’t think the cavity on the other side needs work. Just to use the special toothpaste and the rinse. I was happy about that. Now to get myself into a routine that I stick to about brushing my teeth. It’s really hard on some days because I just don’t feel like it. I have to be better about it to avoid further teeth damage.

I came home and wanted to bake something. But I didn’t know what to make, cookies or bread. I looked over the ingredients and found that they both needed things like butter at room temp. I didn’t take anything out and I didn’t feel like waiting. I’ll bake something over the weekend. I just hope it stays cool.

Tomorrow I need to go to the meat shop to buy ground beef so I can make Manwich. I’m the only one that likes it. My mother told me to buy a big package of beef. This way I can use half and freeze half. So I will. I can always use it to make another “dirty” gravy.

Taylor Swift just came out with a new single. I bought it today as it wasn’t available last night. It’s okay, lyrics are kind of weird but I am sure I’ll get used to them. I can’t wait for her new music to come out. I love her.

Pain just shot up. And I can’t take any more pain meds for at least another two hours. Just lovely. Maybe I’ll take some Ativan so I can go to sleep. It seems that is when I have the least amount of pain. Last night I was curious to see if I fit the proposed criteria of CRPS, complex regional pain syndrome. I asked my support group what the criteria was named as I forgot. It’s called the Budapest criteria. I fit some of it but not all the characteristics so I’m kind of nervous now whether or not when I see the new neuro in Oct I will definitely be diagnosed with it. I am going to print out the sheet that I found on the net and show it to my psychiatrist. Maybe she can help me with it. I still need to email my neuro and see what the hell she was talking about when she was telling me about small muscle fiber neuropathy. I don’t know if that is the same thing as CRPS or if I have that or what. My sleep deprived brain doesn’t remember much. I just know I was mad that she didn’t exam my ankle/foot because I had the AFO on.

My depression is in sync with my pain today. I really just want to fucking die. I am just so fed up with severe pain every single day. It’s draining the hell out of me. Every morning, afternoon, night. No sleep some nights. Intense pain increases my suicidality. I just don’t know how to manage anymore. I wish the hospitalization was more helpful for me but I got a crap shoot deal. I also wish my therapist was a little more helpful in helping me with my problems rather than just have me vent to him about my frustrations which just leads me to feel more frustrated. I want to give up so bad but my “kids” keep me here. I don’t think I can kill myself knowing how hurt they will be and the subsequent consequences of having to deal with my death.

the many pains of CRPS

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

The many pains of CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome

I woke up around 5. I checked to see if my check was deposited and it was so I paid a few bills. I am going to be dreading what my account is going to look like tomorrow. I think I’m going to have around $30 for the month. I had my mother save $50 for me towards my name change. She doesn’t know that, yet. She will in time.

I got hungry around 0630 so I made an egg burrito with lots of cheese. Flour tortillas seem to be my favorite thing right now. After breakfast, I still had an hour before I had to leave the house to meet up with her for coffee. It was cool so I shut the AC off and just had the ceiling fan on. I decided to nap. I didn’t put the blankets on. The air from the ceiling fan was bothering my CRPS foot. So I moved it to go under the blanket. WRONG MOVE! OMG Pain!! It felt like my ankle was being ripped apart. I swore and cussed and clutched my pillow. Fucking A. I couldn’t move as I was in so much pain. It settled down after lying still for about 15 minutes. Then I lifted the blankets with my right foot and snuck my left foot under. No pain then. I fell asleep until my alarm clock went off. I didn’t want to get up.

I got dressed and took a strong pain pill before leaving my room. I got to the bus stop and waited. Pain levels were fluctuating but tolerable. I had bought a gel cushion for the sole of my foot and put it on the AFO. It was killing me by the time I got to Starbucks. So I wasted $7. I couldn’t return it because I used it. I was disappointed. I hoped the burning at the bottom of my foot would pass and it did. My friend came and we had coffee. We talked for about three hours. It was good. Then my friend had to get her daughter so she left. I stayed to write a little bit but played with my phone instead. I then went to the bus stop to go home. My pain was manageable. I was looking forward to making a turkey roll up with cranberry sauce.

I got off the bus and started walking home. I got to within a block of my house and my ankle gave out on me, again. WTF. Two days in a row! I am not happy. I came home, made myself lunch and then took my pain meds. I then took a nap as I was exhausted. I had put my feet under the blanket so the fan wouldn’t bother them. I got hot and woke up after a couple hours. My ankle is still sore.

My groceries are coming sometime after 2000. I had picked a late time because I went out and wasn’t sure what time I would be home. I didn’t think it would be that late but whatever. I hope the pain meds have a chance to work by then. I am going to take another strong pain pill. I can’t take my regular one for another couple of hours.

Last night I got a message from someone who was looking for a guess blog post. I had given her my blog address and she got back to me saying my blog was about “BPD”. I have no idea where she got that from as I don’t have that disorder. I got offended and told her not to contact me anymore. Whether she thought the pain I write about is emotional pain and not physical, I don’t know. She wasn’t a mental health professional as far as I know. I hate it when people diagnose someone and don’t have the credentials. That is like me telling someone they have the flu because they have an earache. Dumbasses.