Tag: chronic pain

pain rant 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain rant 3

I left my bed and as I was taking the sheets off my foot, my big toe didn’t like it. The whole foot exploded in pain. There went the plans I had with my sister to go out for dinner. I had a frozen dinner for a late lunch and then a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner. My foot and ankle pain has been off the charts. I had to take a strong pain pill. It still hasn’t settled down and I took it about 4 hours ago.

The game is about to start soon. I hope it will distract me from the pain. I have been draining my phone’s battery as I still don’t have internet so been using my phone for social media. I only connect to the hotspot if I need to. I hope to have my net back tomorrow, or at least a phone call as to why it is still off.

I wrote out a few things I wanted to discuss with my therapist tomorrow. I thought the list would be longer but it was essentially three things. I wrote them in my phone so I wouldn’t have to bring in paper. Depending on the first question, which is does he care, I will then go to my next question. If he doesn’t care, there is no point in continuing the conversation.

My thoughts have been really in the toilet. It’s hot in the house so I barely leave my room, except to use the bathroom or get something to eat, which just causes me pain going up and down the stairs. I feel like I am confined and it doesn’t feel good. I hope my pain is down by tomorrow so I can see my therapist but it’s going to be hotter and more humid. I hate this kind of weather. I really hate summer.

I really just want to die because it would be better than living this life of pain every single day and night. I just am losing my patience with it. I can’t tolerate it anymore. Only relief I get is when I sleep because I am exhausted.

Just went to the bathroom for the hundredth time today. I don’t know why my bladder gets so damn full as I haven’t been drinking a lot of fluids today. I know I probably should in this heat but it causes me to leak more so I don’t drink. I think I found out why my big toe hurts me all the time. I have a tendon that is popping up. I can’t move my toes downward because of my nerve injury. I can move it up but not down, least the big toe anyway. I’ll have to go back to the foot doc and see what they say. I am sure nothing will be done and they will just tell me to keep doing what I have been doing (which is just take my pain meds and hope the pain goes away). I am tired of that bullshit. It gets old so quickly.

long day and still no internet services

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Long day and still no internet service

I finally fell asleep around 0200 and then woke up at 0600 for some reason. I was half asleep so not sure if I had to use the bathroom or what but I went back to sleep until my alarm went off. I didn’t want to get up but I had to shave my head and shower. I had gotten in the habit of shaving the sides and back of my head. It feels good and I like it. Unfortunately, I don’t do a great job in the back as it is uneven but I don’t care. I mostly wear a hat so no one will really see it.

I caught the 11 bus and it was on time, which is shocking. I stayed at Starbucks until it was time to leave for my psych appt. I had breakfast and wrote in my journal while drinking my espresso. It was really good as the weather was cool but a little muggy. The sun kept going in and out, threatening to rain but it didn’t until I came home.

I saw my psych and we had a good talk. I told her about my therapist and how I am not sure I am going to stick with him. She encouraged me to talk to him about my concerns. I am kind of nervous about it because I never had to tell someone how I want to be treated so this is new to me. I told her I would try and then let her know as she would be interested in what he has to say.

As I was walking back to the train station, my Achilles flared up. Not too bad, but enough that I had to limp. Luckily I didn’t have to wait too long for the train. I got to the Square and went to the butcher shop to get burgers for dinner. I was starving. The bus was late and I was getting angry as I was so hungry. Then the bus came and there was traffic down the street we needed to go down. I just wanted to go home! Soon as I was near my house, the rain started so I made it home just in time.

My mother had taken out some ground beef, which I didn’t notice on the counter earlier. We used that and I will use my burgers tomorrow. Both my ankles are hurting me and I took my pain meds when I got to my room. After I ate, I called Verizon to find out why I still had no internet. Apparently, there is some problem with my account as it is still pending and they don’t know why. Just lovely. So until it’s resolved, I have to use my phone’s hotspot to have the net on my laptop. I am using data like crazy. I try not to be on my laptop too long as I use my phone for most things, but my phone doesn’t like to refresh Facebook and that is annoying as I get the same stories for the past few days rather than what is going on today. I also notice when I post and then refresh, my post goes away. It’s annoying me. Twitter is so much better.

For my blog readers, I apologize for not keeping up with your blogs while I have no net services. My phone is terrible at getting them through the WordPress app. I’ll try and check them after I publish this blog and comment on them.

I am very tired. Even after I drank my espresso, I was ready for a nap. Pain has really been interrupting my sleep and/or causing me to go to bed later than I would like to. I am not going to do anything for the rest of the night except to possibly listen to the game. I lasted through to the 8th inning last night and then all hell broke lose with my foot so I turned it off. I thought I would sleep but I couldn’t get comfortable. I was having so many different kinds of pain that I was so fed up, I didn’t know how to ease it. I wrote to my psych to vent as I was so frustrated. I really wanted to just take something that would kill myself or amputate my ankle.

This Sunday is Father’s Day. It’s the 2nd year without my father. I seriously never thought I would miss him so much. I thought I would just be glad he was gone but it’s not exactly a comforting thought when they actually are. I still remember one day when he was showing affection and hugged me lovingly. It had to have been the first time in a LONG time that he did this. I was taken aback by it. It will always stick out in my mind because he was gone not even six months later. It’s hard not having him there anymore. No more lengthy doctor appointments or scheduling this or that with him. It’s just weird not having him around.

using hotspot, again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Using hotspot, again

I didn’t go to sleep till well after 0300. That was when I had a bowl of cereal and the pain had settled down enough for me to sleep. I slept for almost 12 hours, waking up only twice to use the bathroom. I checked my internet service and still had not access. I was hungry so decided to have something to eat before being on hold forever with Verizon.

I called and there is a problem with the central office so my account hasn’t been cleared yet. I should have services tomorrow. Fuckers. I am glad I can use my phone for net on my laptop. I would use my phone but typing up a blog is difficult and my phone likes to change simple words whenever it feels like it. Like I typed is and it changed it to us. So annoying!! I constantly have to double check what I wrote to make sure it is what I wrote.

Foot is still hurting but it’s not as bad as it was last night. My Achilles has calmed down as well. I thought about going to walgreens to return something but think I will give it another day’s rest. I really don’t want it flaring up again as the pain is hard to control.

I had emailed my PCP’s office to see if I could expedite my appointment with the CRPS specialist and I will be seeing one of her colleagues rather than her. Great. Don’t know when that will be. I hope it will be sooner than February 2018! Last night’s pain was terrible. I had to take a boat load of meds just to stay on top of it.

It is much cooler today than it was yesterday. I shut the fan and AC off. It’s comfortable in my room, though my feet are fucking freezing. I need to put on my thermal socks so they can warm up. I hope the temp stays the same over the next few days. I like it this temp, neither too hot or too cold.

Sox won last night in extra innings, again. I was so tired last night that I didn’t really pay attention too much. I tried but it was a lot of bullshit in between the Twitter line about the idiot Sessions’s testimony. It went through most of the night and today. When I woke up, I saw on Facebook there were two shootings, one in Virginia and the other in San Francisco. Just terrible and then you have the fire in London that was devastating. I should go back to sleep so I don’t have to hear it.

in so much pain I can’t sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In so much pain I can’t sleep

I had bought a compression sleeve to help my ankle pain. I made the mistake of wearing it tonight to see if it would help my Achilles and it flare it up, severely. The shorts I was wearing were bothering me so I stood up to change to my PJs. Another mistake. The pain had settled down some but now it’s flared again. UGH. Both my ankles hurt. I feel really depressed. I want to sleep but I am in too much pain despite taking meds for it. I also have songs playing in my head full blast so I took some trilafon for it. It’s so loud I can’t hear my regular voices.

I was talking with a friend tonight about various things. She lives west of me, near the New Hampshire border. I was telling her about how my mother treats me and she offered me her home. She said there is room for me there. I thought that was sweet but there would be a major problem as I am a city boy and she is out in the sticks. I would have a hard time getting around because I don’t have a car. I appreciated the offer though.

The pain in my bad foot/ankle is causing me to have PTSD symptoms because it’s all over the place and the pain is severe. It reminds me of when I was diagnosed with cauda equina syndrome and I am kind of in a panic about getting it again. I know I am not because I am not numb and I don’t have weakness. I just have pain confined to my foot and ankle. But the brain and emotions don’t always sync with one another when you have suffered a trauma.

I am so damn tired. My neck is aching because I need to lie down. But every time I lie down, my pain gets worse and so does my PTSD. I sometimes wish I could sleep sitting up but it puts such a strain on my back. I wish there was something I could take for my PTSD but the only thing I can take is Ativan and I already took 1 mg. I can’t take anymore, least not for the next six hours or so. I am also maxed out on my pain meds. I can’t take anymore for another six hours as well. I wish I never put on that stupid sleeve. I can deal with one ankle hurting but both drives me berserk!

I emailed my PCP’s office to see if he could move up the specialist appointment. I don’t know if he will be able to do anything about it but I figure it’s worth a shot. I talked with my psych today and she is going to try and find me another doctor that specializes in CRPS that I can see faster than the other doctor. I don’t know if it will happen or not. But she doesn’t let me down. I just have to wait. I just know I can’t go on with this pain anymore. I have taken Neurontin and other pain meds to quiet it down and still I am in pain. I makes it less so I can sleep and function throughout the day but it doesn’t make it so I have zero pain, ever. I don’t think there is going to be much that the specialist is going to suggest. I have been on other drugs but Neurontin has been my main stay. It helps me more than any other drug in its class. The only thing I don’t like about it is that it makes me gain weight. I have to really try and control the food cravings to keep my weight where it is but it is so damn hard when you are hungry all the time.

I don’t know if I am going to be able to sleep tonight. My pain seems to be fluctuating between tolerable and intolerable with the slightest movement. I can’t decide which foot hurts more, my left or my right. This is just awful. I’ve never had BOTH feet hurt me at the same time in such severity. I am waiting for the meds to kick in so I can sleep. I can take another strong pain pill in about a half hour. Hopefully that will settle down one of my feet. I don’t know what else to do. Time is going by and it’s getting later and later yet I am not sleeping because I am in such pain and my PTSD symptoms are keeping me up, too.

I’m going to try and sleep. If not, I will write another blog until I pass out.