Tag: chronic pain

chugging along

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Chugging along

I had about 3 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours. I probably would have slept for four hours but my PCP’s office called me around 0930 and woke me up. My scripts would be ready later this afternoon. I brushed my teeth and washed up. My ankle was screaming so I took some pills. It’s been the same pain going on 12 hours now. I got to Starbucks. I ordered a turkey bacon sandwich and 6 shots espresso over ice. I needed it. After I finished the sandwich, I was still hungry, so I bought another one. I didn’t care. I was hungry.

I wrote in my journal until I finished my espresso. Then I left to go to my appointment and my PCP’s office. On envelope was my name and UTox. I thought there would be a requisition inside but there wasn’t and I wasn’t handed a cup so I just left and didn’t say anything. I didn’t have to pee anyway. I was early for my psych appt. I waited in the hallway to write a little bit before going to her office to check in.

She was only a few minutes late, much to my surprise. My ankle was still smarting and the espresso was starting to wear off. She said that the possible cause of the music in my head is a rare form of migraine activity. I forget the exact words she used and I couldn’t spell it even if she said it 10 times. Just another fucking thing to live with.

I didn’t discuss my suicidal thoughts with her. I just kept things low key. Somehow we got on the subject of country music. I told her I was a big fan. She told me that she heard Garth Brooks on the radio talking about his new album that is due out soon. He just finished producing it. I told her I have almost all of his CDs, except his new one Man against Machine. I am looking forward to his new album as his new single I like.

She gave me my script for Ativan and we made an appt for two weeks. She still wants me to be in touch with her in the mean time. I always am. The rain was coming down harder than it was. I was glad I brought my umbrella. I usually don’t carry one but I did today because the forecast said no wind. If there is wind, I don’t use an umbrella because you are just going to get wet anyways. I made the bus home. My mother called me asking where I was. I told her I was on my way home.

I had some crackers and cheese for dinner. I don’t feel like eating anything else right now, though I am wanting some Chinese food. I am having a craving for crab Rangoon. I don’t think I can go up and down the stairs so it might be for lunch tomorrow. Unless I get really hungry later on. I plan on taking out the ground beef to thaw out tomorrow so I can make the gravy Sunday. That will be a good meal. It will all depend on if my pain levels go down. They are murderous right now. I can barely move my ankle/foot without severe pain. Having CRPS sucks so bad. My psych did agree that I have it, though she doesn’t really know what the treatment is for it. I have tried a lot of treatment for it but the pain meds seem to work the best, usually. I wish I could have long acting meds because then I wouldn’t have to take my meds around the clock or every few hours. Just sucks.

bitch rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bitch rant

I’m not in a good mood right now. I made my dessert and then cleaned up afterwards. I washed all the dishes that were in the sink while my dessert was setting in the fridge. I am in a lot of pain now. I took some pain meds but my feet got cold and when I put on my thermal socks, the elastic aggravated my ankle. I am hurting all over the damn place. Now my toes are fucking hurting. I can’t stand it anymore!! I don’t know why I am so strung out.

After I cleaned up, I took a shower and had to cut my toe nails. My foot did not like that. I didn’t do a good job on my big toe. It’s rough and uneven. I can’t seem to fix it without pain so when it settles down, I will try and file it. I can’t even touch my own foot. It just hurts too much.

I took my night meds after I filled my box for the week. I feel very depressed that I am in pain. I also feel suicidal. I won’t do anything tonight. Hell, I don’t think I’ll ever do anything. I seem to make all these fucking plans but never go through with them. Pisses me off so much. I just want to fucking die right now and I can’t go through with it all because I can’t fucking walk. I am so pathetic.

I got shit from my mother tonight because I didn’t want to call my brother in law to throw the trash over the porch. I didn’t have shoes on and the porch floor has pebbles on it. I didn’t want to get them on my bare feet because they stick. So my mother had a fit. Tough shit. She can take care of it tomorrow. I don’t fucking care.

I don’t know why I am so fucking low tonight. I know it’s partly because I am so much pain. I never get a break from it. If I do, it’s only for a few hours. Most of the time it is while I sleep. If I could sleep all day, that would be great but I can’t. I am so tired of being in pain. I really wish I was dead.

slept awkward

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Slept awkward

I had woken up to take some more pain meds and moved my pillow but instead of taking my meds, I fell back to sleep. My neck was in an awkward position and it was hurting. Now I am up because I can’t go back to sleep and my ankle/foot is being an asshole.

It’s 0300. I took some Ativan to try and get the kink out of my neck and to go back to sleep. It’s still hot and humid in the house, but freezing in my room because of the AC. I love it. Because I am up now, I don’t think I will be leaving the house to go to the ER for an admission in three hours. I’d have to go early in the morning so I can be seen and the process begins. Last time I went though, I was still there for about 14 hours in the ER. I am feeling slightly better than I was on Friday night, but the pain is driving me nuts and I seriously thought about killing myself again. I just waited it out because there was nothing I could do. I was maxed out on my pain meds so I couldn’t take more, except the strong pain pill. I didn’t want to unless the pain didn’t go away. It did settle down after a few minutes. Sometimes it is in these bursts for some reason. It’s awful because you’re screaming in pain. And you just want to seriously die on the spot because it is so awful.

I’m going to try and change my sheets today. I wanted to do that yesterday but I got lazy. I did a lot of stairs on Saturday while going to the wake and my calf was tight. I didn’t want to aggravate it with wrestling with the sheets. I just hope I don’t sleep all day.

My sisters and nieces came home safely. I saw one sister, the one that lives on the first floor. It was so good to see my nieces. I didn’t want to let them go while hugging them. I missed them so much. The pictures were beautiful. My sis brought back some cheeses and olives. She also had a ton of little gifts. I got a dish with a wine stopper, a key chain, and a piece of lava rock from Mt. Etna. That was really cool. I am glad they had fun and saw all my cousins over there, or most of them anyway. My parents home town was very barren as there are no jobs there so my cousins are in the cities outside of there. It still is a very beautiful place. My sisters and nieces saw my father’s last surviving brother. He probably won’t survive the year because he is not eating. He lost a lot of weight since I last saw him. He has dementia. One minute he knew who my sister was and the next he didn’t. It is hard. He is close to 90. There are strong genes on both sides of the family.

Going to try and go back to sleep. Hope I am successful.

my psych finally called me back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My psych finally called back

My psychiatrist called me back as I was walking home from Walgreens. I picked up my script as I didn’t want to go there tomorrow. We talked about my Neurontin usage. She doesn’t want me to use it as a knock out drug but to get relief from my neuropathy pain. We discussed dosing several times a day, as long as I can tolerate it. She didn’t want me to take more than 1800 mg a day, but I was free to play with how ever I needed to to get to that amount a day. I still am figuring it out as my dose is really dependent on my pain levels. It’s how I have been taking this drug for years. I have to call or email her tomorrow to let her know how it goes.

I am not sure if I am going to go out after my dentist appointment or not. I will bring my bag with me just in case. I need to go to the bank tomorrow so I might go to the Square. My checking account is overdrawn so I need to put in funds before I am charged a fee.

Both ankles are hurting me and I am upset about it. I think I need to buy new sneakers as the ones that I have are really irritating me. I haven’t bought sneakers in more than three years so I am due for some new ones. I just wish they weren’t so damn expensive. Even at the outlet store I go to is the same as online, which doesn’t make sense. Usually the outlets are cheaper than online. I always get the same kind of style, which I might have to change. I wish I could get this stupid lump off my Achilles. I wouldn’t be in pain if I didn’t have it.

I had some chips when I came back home as I was hungry. I wish I didn’t because now my stomach is upset. They were the regular chips not the unsalted kind that I usually buy.

I am really tired from walking around so I probably will be taking my meds early and going to bed early, I hope. The last few nights I have taken my meds later than I usually do, which sucks because I am up late if I do. Thing is, I can’t stand right now so need to wait for the pain to subside a little before grabbing my night meds. I forgot to grab them before getting comfy on my bed. I wanted to shower tonight but that isn’t happening. I will take one tomorrow morning. I’ll need to shave my head again anyways.

I need to change my sheets this weekend. It’s going to be a pain in the ass like it always is. I have to mentally prepare myself for doing the task or it just won’t get done. I need to clean off my office side of the bed. I some how accumulated 4 baseball hats on my bed. Don’t know how that happened. I put away my meds that were on my bed in their respective places. I am set for the month, or should be anyway.

So much for reading or watching STTNG tonight. I just don’t have the brain power like I did a few hours ago. I am feeling really worn down. Pain will do that. It’s an energy sucker, just draining all that you have every single day.