Tag: chronic pain

feeling like a grump

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling like a grump

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was up every couple of hours due to either my foot or back acting up. The temp dropped another ten degrees and is now raining. I am hurting very bad. My mother kept calling me all morning because she forgot her keys to the house. This is the second day that she has done this. I reluctantly had to get up because my bladder said so. I made coffee to try and wake up. I am just in a grumpy mood because of pain. My back is really bad, the worst it has been in quite some time.

I called a therapy place that I hadn’t heard from in more than a week after filling in their online submission form. I got their voicemail so now I am waiting for a callback. I need to call the dentist so I can get my teeth drilled. I’m kind of nervous to do it because needles and drills always gives me great anxiety when it’s pointed at me.

My check didn’t get deposited today so I didn’t order my groceries and other things. I don’t know why some Mondays it does go in and other times it doesn’t. So weird. I think I will have it tomorrow. I added some sparkling water to my grocery order. I hope I like it. I figure it would be better than tonic.

My mother made asparagus and eggs for supper. I was slightly reach for a slice of cheese and I got cramps in my lower back. This is the worst my back has been in a long time. It’s starting to set off PTSD again. I took an Ativan so hopefully I can take a nap to ease the pain. I took a strong pain pill as my regular one is just not doing anything for my pain. It’s just too severe.

I am thinking of emailing psych again about my back pain as I am getting worried because it isn’t going away. I know this is weather related and once it warms up or stabilizes, I think I will be okay. I don’t think anything major is going on but any time I have back pain like this I tend to freak out.

Got an email saying only one phone was shipped out so I had to call Sprint, again, to make sure two are in the box. There are. I will be getting them soon. The hard part will be to track my niece down to give it to her. I need to wait for the Amazon order to come in first so the phone is protected. I am not giving her an unprotected phone. I am excited to be getting a new phone, even though it will be a pain in the ass the first few days getting used to it. It’s an Android phone but I will have to program it so that all my preferences are there. That can be tricky. Hopefully it won’t be as bad as I think it will be.

severe back pain and PTSD doesn’t mix

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Severe back pain and PTSD doesn’t mix

The past few hours, I cannot straighten out my back without severe pain. It is causing me to have flashbacks of the time I was first diagnosed with cauda equina syndrome. I remember not being able to walk or stand on my left leg without severe pain. Now I have back pain and my left ankle/foot is going berserk, which is causing me great anxiety.

I emailed my psychiatrist because I didn’t know what to do. I would have paged her but it’s late and I don’t want to bother her even though I am freaking out. I am trying to calm myself down by distracting and reading tweets about the game. Sitting is difficult but laying down is worse because my thoughts go crazy. It also increases my ankle/foot pain so I can’t win. I was able to brush my teeth but it hurt. I couldn’t use the prescription toothpaste because I had to sit down. I hate that I have to use two toothpastes at night.

I’m hoping this pain is caused by the weather. The temp has dropped several degrees and usually that brings me pain. I don’t know if it is going to rain or not. I am guessing it will because it usually activates my back pain. I haven’t don’t anything I shouldn’t have done or lifted anything heavy. It annoys me when I am hurting for no reason. It could be a delayed reaction to the beds in the psych unit. I was on a hospital bed but it was lumpy.

Sox are leading 3-0 as of now. The pain is driving me nuts. It’s all around my waist and lower back. I am trying to reassure myself that it is NOT cauda equina syndrome as there would be more symptoms of the syndrome but with my ankle and foot tingling and throbbing, it’s hard. My brain knows that it’s not CES but my feelings are like yes it is. You need to go to the ER right now. I am in panic mode and I don’t like it. I took an Ativan to calm down. Hopefully it will also relax my back muscles so they don’t hurt as much. I already took my pain meds, except the strong pain med, which I am contemplating. I have never taken it for severe back pain before so I don’t know if it will work. It’s funny, while I was in the hospital, the pill color was orange. The ones I have at home are white. Same size, just a different color. I have never seen it orange before.

Well, the score is now 4-3 Angels. Damn Price sucks. Giving up a gift of a 3 run lead. I don’t like him at all. Never have. I took the strong pain pill and hope it helps, or at least allows me to go to sleep. I really hate having PTSD. I remember nearly everything while I was in the ED and them telling me I needed surgery, the surgeon sees me all for 10 minutes and then says yup, 830 in the OR. I was scared shitless. I asked him when I would be able to walk again and he said three days. It was a week before I was able to move my toes again, with effort. I never want to go through that again. I will kill myself before I need another emergency back surgery. Two was enough for me.

Second day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I had a low key day. I went to two groups and it wasn’t good. They were calling me lady and I took offense. Then one of the nurses used my birth name and I got really upset. I scratched it out on my ID band. I don’t fucking care.

I met with the psychiatrist, who I worked with before. Seems everyone wants to know where I stand in my transition. He will be off tomorrow and Monday.  The social worker is being nice, for now. She can be a real bitch though. 

I wasn’t too talkative when I met with my contact person this afternoon. I really had nothing to talk about. My head was pounding, which then turned into a migraine so that was fun. Then I had a physical by a nurse practitioner. She wanted to know more about my pain. I told her how it was and what I experienced. Her only advice was to keep a good bowel regimen. Thanks, tell me something I don’t know. Idiot.

I took a nap for a couple of hours. It helped my migraine but my foot pain woke me up. It was med time any way. They finally have the right dose of my pain meds so I am happy about it. I have both pain meds. I am glad. 

The doc gave me privileges. I can use my cords and stuff. They now have a charging station so I don’t need it. I might need one for my Bluetooth headset as they don’t have a mini USB. I’ll worry about it when it needs to be charged.

My room is still not as cold as I would like and is still musty despite keeping the door open. The rug is damp which is gross. Nothing I can do about it though. I don’t think the AC is on even though the air is blowing.

I called my mother. She wants me home. She didn’t like me telling her I would be out next week, possibly. Oh well

chugging along

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Chugging along

I had about 3 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours. I probably would have slept for four hours but my PCP’s office called me around 0930 and woke me up. My scripts would be ready later this afternoon. I brushed my teeth and washed up. My ankle was screaming so I took some pills. It’s been the same pain going on 12 hours now. I got to Starbucks. I ordered a turkey bacon sandwich and 6 shots espresso over ice. I needed it. After I finished the sandwich, I was still hungry, so I bought another one. I didn’t care. I was hungry.

I wrote in my journal until I finished my espresso. Then I left to go to my appointment and my PCP’s office. On envelope was my name and UTox. I thought there would be a requisition inside but there wasn’t and I wasn’t handed a cup so I just left and didn’t say anything. I didn’t have to pee anyway. I was early for my psych appt. I waited in the hallway to write a little bit before going to her office to check in.

She was only a few minutes late, much to my surprise. My ankle was still smarting and the espresso was starting to wear off. She said that the possible cause of the music in my head is a rare form of migraine activity. I forget the exact words she used and I couldn’t spell it even if she said it 10 times. Just another fucking thing to live with.

I didn’t discuss my suicidal thoughts with her. I just kept things low key. Somehow we got on the subject of country music. I told her I was a big fan. She told me that she heard Garth Brooks on the radio talking about his new album that is due out soon. He just finished producing it. I told her I have almost all of his CDs, except his new one Man against Machine. I am looking forward to his new album as his new single I like.

She gave me my script for Ativan and we made an appt for two weeks. She still wants me to be in touch with her in the mean time. I always am. The rain was coming down harder than it was. I was glad I brought my umbrella. I usually don’t carry one but I did today because the forecast said no wind. If there is wind, I don’t use an umbrella because you are just going to get wet anyways. I made the bus home. My mother called me asking where I was. I told her I was on my way home.

I had some crackers and cheese for dinner. I don’t feel like eating anything else right now, though I am wanting some Chinese food. I am having a craving for crab Rangoon. I don’t think I can go up and down the stairs so it might be for lunch tomorrow. Unless I get really hungry later on. I plan on taking out the ground beef to thaw out tomorrow so I can make the gravy Sunday. That will be a good meal. It will all depend on if my pain levels go down. They are murderous right now. I can barely move my ankle/foot without severe pain. Having CRPS sucks so bad. My psych did agree that I have it, though she doesn’t really know what the treatment is for it. I have tried a lot of treatment for it but the pain meds seem to work the best, usually. I wish I could have long acting meds because then I wouldn’t have to take my meds around the clock or every few hours. Just sucks.