Tag: chronic pain

in a pissy mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a pissy mood

I woke up around 0630 in severe pain. I went to the bathroom and my foot exploded. I wasn’t going to the hospital and emailed my psych. I have been using my phone and my net was working. Then I went on my laptop and it wasn’t. I had upgraded my services on Friday to lower my bill and while it is “pending”, I don’t have services. This was not explained to me and I was bullshit. Now I have to use my hotspot to use my laptop. I don’t need it for word but I do need it for my browsers. I am so aggravated.

Despite taking my pain meds, the pain has not gone down. It’s really hot out and muggy. I wanted a bowl of cereal for breakfast using my almond milk but it was frozen solid, again. I decided to use regular milk. I am tossing the almond milk because it’s been frozen and thawed a couple of times now. I don’t understand why as it’s the only thing that freezes in my fridge. It wasn’t even in the back of the fridge so I am at a loss.

I had hot dogs for lunch. And then I have been on the phone and net with Verizon to get my services back, or try to. A tech is coming out tomorrow so I need to clear the area around my desk. Not going to be fun. I have no idea where to put the things in front of my desk. I will have to disconnect my printer and put it somewhere. But the big box I have for my clothes, I don’t know where to put that or the clothes.

I took a heavy dose of Neurontin this morning to try and sleep. Some knucklehead called me around 0945 and woke me from my slumber and I have been up since. I am feeling weighed down and my back is hurting for some reason. I just want to sleep, not mess around my room.

I shaved the sides and back of my head, which gave me razor burn. I am not liking that too much. My niece helped straighten out the back as it was uneven. As she was doing it, I decided to tell her I was trans. She accepted me and it didn’t really come as a shock to her. She just wants me to be happy. It made me feel really good. She is the oldest niece and the first one I have some out to. I am slowly telling family members one by one.

Last week when I was in Walgreens, I saw a compression sleeve for my ankle that I wanted to try for my bad foot and Achilles. It was $13 and I just put it on. It’s really tight, tighter than the Tommie Copper brace that I have. I hope it helps. I am going to switch the sleeve tomorrow when I go out so my Achilles will be supported. I only got one because I wanted to try it first rather than buying two.

I might need some retail therapy today because I am in such a bad mood with all the stupid internet interruption.

Wicked hot Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wicked hot Sunday

The temps are in the 90s and I am miserable. I briefly went to a family event, where I was driving and it took all the energy out of me because I was stuck in traffic. The family event was near a popular beach so I knew there would be traffic, which is why I got the zipcar longer than I originally planned. I made it home with 45 minutes to spare once I hit the main road. I had a good time, the few hours I spent at my cousin’s. But my pain levels shot up and I had to leave. It was much too hot for me to be in the heat. Even while I was in the AC’d car, my neuropathy flared. That was fun.

I totally miscalculated my pain meds and if I don’t have my script ready tomorrow, I will run out come Tuesday. The script is for 28 days and it always messes me up by a few days. I don’t know why they just can’t give you a 30 day supply of meds. But I don’t make the rules. I have to abide by them. I think the heat wave should be over by Tuesday but it could be another 80 degree or more day. I am glad I had my brother in law put in the AC when he did or I would be dead. The nerve injury makes me totally intolerant of heat and it’s gotten worse every year. I mostly stay in my room because it’s the only room with AC. The rest of the house is hot and I just can’t deal.

The game is on late today, which sucks. Last night, I didn’t think I was going to make it. It was more than 4 hours and they just went 9 innings. Detroit pitching was so damn slow. We still won though, 11-3. I had a hard time falling asleep after the game. I wasn’t in too much pain until I laid down. Then my foot went berserk and the suicidal urges came back. I had a relatively low pain weekend, so I was thinking I didn’t need to go to the hospital tomorrow. Now I am rethinking those thoughts. I had emailed my psych about it. I always have a hard time coming to the decision to go in because I know my meds get screwed up more than how I am treated. Other than keeping me from acting on my urges, I don’t see a benefit to the aggravation of a med screw up.

I don’t have therapy this week because I cancelled. After last week’s session, I just couldn’t handle another week of him not being there for me. I just feel unsupported by him, something that I never thought I would say about a therapist. In all the years I have been going to therapy, this is the most unsupported I have felt. In many ways, I’d like my old therapist back. Least I knew she cared.

I took my night meds early because I am wicked tired. I don’t think I will be staying up to hear about the game. I want to go to bed early. The game usually winds me up and I find it hard to sleep afterwards, especially as I know they will be playing well past 2300. Much too late as I run the risk of being up all night. I get my second wind and it’s all down hill after that.

Pain and sleeplessness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I just got off the phone with my psych. I was feeling really suicidal as pain has been intolerable. She wants me to think about the Hosp.

I’ve been trying to sleep the past few hours but I’m in too much pain. I was feeling good until I went upstairs to my room. Then I had to use the bathroom which flared things up again. I’m in dire straights.

I’m to call my psych when I get up tomorrow. I don’t know if a hospitalization would be helpful or not. I’m kind of against them because I feel like they just babysit you. I just want to sleep and I can’t. 

I did ask my psych if I could od but she said no of course. I feel like she iis the only one who cares right now. She said if my pain was down, I wouldn’t be so bad. Probably. I know I would have the same mood swings, just not as frequent. Pain is really controlling my life. I have to monitor all my activity and it just sucks.

I finally told her about my family member that I think is developing schizophrenia. She told me if I brought them to the hospital, she would make sure they would be on the right unit.

The top of my foot is burning like it is on fire. I’ve taken 1800 mg of neurontin today. I should be knocked out and so should the pain. I’m so tired of nerve pain. It is worse than physical pain. At least with the physical pain I can take meds for it and know within an hour or so, I’ll be OK. Not so with nerve pain.

Sox lost to the Bronx bombers, literally. Porcello gave up 3 homers. And the game was over. They lost 8-0. Pathetic.

As much as I don’t want to go in the Hosp, I think it might be a respite from my every day stuff, if I get placed on the right unit.I need to be on a unit that will help me deal better with my pain and my psych issues. I also need another therapist. My current one just isn’t working out. I feel he doesn’t care.

My veins are popping up on my bad foot. Ugh. It’s going to be a long night.Going to take some Ativan to see if that calms me down some. Wish me luck!

hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hurting

I woke up from my haze. Again I woke up in the middle of the night and didn’t go back to sleep until around 0300. I am so damn tired. I made breakfast and as I was going down the stairs, my bad foot misjudged the step so I tripped over it. My foot is going ballistic. I took a bunch of meds so I am hoping to go back to sleep soon.

I watched Tim Mcgraw and Faith Hill’s new video. OMG it is so hot! I don’t know who is hotter, Faith or Tim. It’s such an awesome video! I am listening to them now. I feel like taking a break from Linkin Park.

I was supposed to go to the post office today to mail my friend in Canada some stuff for her grandkids and son. But that got nixed when I hurt my foot. The weather is better today as the sun finally made an appearance. It’s 60 degrees so I am not as cold in my room. Last night was brutal. I wanted to turn on the heat it was so cold.

As I am not that sleepy yet, I decided to call neurology to set up an appointment. Apparently, this doc has to review your medical records before she decides to see you. WTF. I left another message with her secretary to call me and also to let her know that I am a MGH patient and she has my permission to view my record. So fucking stupid.

I am running low on my strong pain pills so I put in a request to get a refill. Next week I need to put in the request for my regular pain meds. So I get to go to Boston twice in a week. I see my psych next week so I might just wait to get the regular meds then.

I’m kind of feeling really suicidal. I just don’t want to live anymore. I am in too much pain, emotionally and physically. It’s so exhausting. I had breakfast but I am hungry again. I really don’t want to go down the stairs again. I am just hurting way too much. I wish I had some protein bars in my room. I know I am feeling this way because I am tired and I’m out of spoons.

I want chocolate. Chocolate makes everything better. I ate my last two pieces that I had. I need to get more dark chocolate. I wish I could have it delivered rather than me going out. I just checked out the price for baby back ribs from a BBQ place in the Square. Fricken $19 for ½ a rack! Forget it! I’ll get it at Stop and Shop for $7!

Meds are kicking in so I am going to sleep. I just wanted to write something in case I sleep the rest of the day.