Tag: chronic pain

hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hurting

I woke up from my haze. Again I woke up in the middle of the night and didn’t go back to sleep until around 0300. I am so damn tired. I made breakfast and as I was going down the stairs, my bad foot misjudged the step so I tripped over it. My foot is going ballistic. I took a bunch of meds so I am hoping to go back to sleep soon.

I watched Tim Mcgraw and Faith Hill’s new video. OMG it is so hot! I don’t know who is hotter, Faith or Tim. It’s such an awesome video! I am listening to them now. I feel like taking a break from Linkin Park.

I was supposed to go to the post office today to mail my friend in Canada some stuff for her grandkids and son. But that got nixed when I hurt my foot. The weather is better today as the sun finally made an appearance. It’s 60 degrees so I am not as cold in my room. Last night was brutal. I wanted to turn on the heat it was so cold.

As I am not that sleepy yet, I decided to call neurology to set up an appointment. Apparently, this doc has to review your medical records before she decides to see you. WTF. I left another message with her secretary to call me and also to let her know that I am a MGH patient and she has my permission to view my record. So fucking stupid.

I am running low on my strong pain pills so I put in a request to get a refill. Next week I need to put in the request for my regular pain meds. So I get to go to Boston twice in a week. I see my psych next week so I might just wait to get the regular meds then.

I’m kind of feeling really suicidal. I just don’t want to live anymore. I am in too much pain, emotionally and physically. It’s so exhausting. I had breakfast but I am hungry again. I really don’t want to go down the stairs again. I am just hurting way too much. I wish I had some protein bars in my room. I know I am feeling this way because I am tired and I’m out of spoons.

I want chocolate. Chocolate makes everything better. I ate my last two pieces that I had. I need to get more dark chocolate. I wish I could have it delivered rather than me going out. I just checked out the price for baby back ribs from a BBQ place in the Square. Fricken $19 for ½ a rack! Forget it! I’ll get it at Stop and Shop for $7!

Meds are kicking in so I am going to sleep. I just wanted to write something in case I sleep the rest of the day.

the thing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

The thing

I am up past my “magic” hour because my thing aka my ankle/foot is causing me severe pain. I have taken all the meds I could possibly take and have just put on some lidocaine. I’m waiting for it to dry so I can possibly go to sleep.

I emailed my psych because I can’t sleep. It seems if I am up past 0200, I don’t go to sleep until the hours between 0400-0600. It’s a guessing game. I took an Ativan but I am so overtired, I don’t think it is going to calm me down enough to sleep. I really think I need a sleeping pill on nights like these, but I am afraid to take it because of the sleep walking or other strange things that people experience while taking it.

I am not expecting my psych to respond to my email, but she might. I was going to make a sauce today but I don’t think it is likely as I will want to sleep. I have therapy at 1600. As long as I can make it out of the house by 1400, I should be okay. Then I can have my espresso at Starbucks, which I hope will keep me up for a little bit. I think I might fry the ground beef and then refrigerate it until I make the sauce so the meat doesn’t go bad.

I am so tired but my damn thing is being a fucking bastard. I have decided to call it thing because different parts of my foot/ankle will hurt so it’s just easier calling it thing. I’m tired of having to differentiate what hurts and what doesn’t. The pain likes to hop around and go up and down and all around. It’s so infuriating. My physical pain was taken cared of by my pain meds and then it changed to nerve pain which isn’t taken cared of by my pain meds. I have to take Neurontin and that works whenever it decides to work. UGH. So in the meantime, I am suffering and can’t fucking sleep.

My toes are now part of the thing. The last three always fucking hurts and it’s like I am stubbing all three at once. It’s so painful. I guess I am not going to make any phone calls today. I will be too sleep deprived to make them. I wish I could move my therapy appt to another time but it’s too late to change it. I have 24 hours before the time to move and/or cancel it and it’s less than that time. I really don’t want to keep going to therapy. I just think it is a waste of time. I am fine handling things on my own. I have for a very long time.

I am getting hungry but I don’t want to go downstairs to make something to eat. I don’t think standing on my foot will help the pain any and I really don’t want it get worse. I won’t sleep until later and that won’t be good. It’s supposed to rain off and on all the day and tomorrow it’s supposed to rain all day. I have a dinner date with a friend of mine tomorrow night. We are going to my favorite restaurant for Thai food. I can’t wait. I haven’t had Pad Thai in a long time. It should be a good night out, despite the wet weather.

Did I mention I have songs shuffling in my head? It keeps jumping from one song to another and back again. It is driving me crazy. There is nothing I can take to stop the music playing unless I actually turn on my MP3 player but it’s too late for music and might keep me up rather than help me sleep.

I really need to call the dentist to reschedule my appointment. They had called me a few weeks ago saying that the dentist is no longer seeing patients on Tuesdays. Apparently he moved his schedule to Thursdays and Fridays, I think the message said. It’s fine with me, but I just need to call to make the appointment, which I have been procrastinating about. I hate going to the dentist. I hate the scraping of my teeth. I used to like it when I was a kid but now that I am an adult, it bothers me. I do have a cavity that needs to be filled, which further makes me want to postpone the appointment. I know that isn’t good because it could get bigger and cause me more problems, which is why I try and brush my teeth every day even if I don’t feel like it.

I need to lie down. Maybe if I do lie down, I will fall asleep. My back is starting to hurt from sitting the past several hours. I will write more later.

bad physical pain day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bad physical pain day

I did way too much yesterday and the day before. I tried resting but my damn allergies kept me up. I did take a nap, eventually. My Achilles is really painful. After I had supper, I iced it. It helped to numb it so I could bear weight on it. I am completely miserable today.

Last night I went off on my psychiatrist. I told her I didn’t want to see any doctor including her. I am tired of seeing them. She responded today asking if I was serious. I told her I was just frustrated at not being heard and being dismissed all the time with my concerns. I told her I would see her tomorrow for our scheduled appointment but to have tissues ready. I have been crying a lot lately because of pain and because I am just so upset at the medical profession. Why did people chose this profession if they are not going to be helpful?

It’s hot and humid so I just turned on the AC so I could freeze my ass off. I hope it helps the allergies as I have been stuffed up and coughing most of the day. I thought when I woke up this morning, I was getting a cold. It cleared up after I used my Flonase. I am just miserable and I have been taking my pain meds but it’s not helping my Achilles at all. I feel so upset with this. I bought another $25 worth of pens last night as retail therapy. I bought a 12 pack and a single pen that I like. I want this one to be in my carryon bag that I take with me when I go out.

I took 900 mg of Neurontin after my mother rudely woke me from a sound sleep to find out where my childhood friend now lives. I was so annoyed. She knows I have been in a lot of pain yesterday. I had a hard time sleeping despite taking my night meds early. I just couldn’t sleep even though I was so tired. I didn’t fall asleep till around midnight, six hours after I took my meds. I had to take another Ativan to calm down. The Neurontin is helping with the burning pain, even though it’s making my waistline bigger. I weighed myself yesterday and found I had gained 10 pounds in a week. This med just adds weight, even if you don’t eat more than you usually do. Then when you stop it, you lose the weight, or some of it anyway. I hate it but it works so I can’t do anything about it.

I’m feeling really depressed and at times I just want to kill myself because I feel so worthless. If I can’t walk, what is the point of living? I just want to go to my spot and end it. I might this weekend if my pain lets up. I will tell my psych this. I don’t care. I know I am going to bawl when I see her. I just am so upset at my PCP.

Both ankles are hurting me but my left is hurting me more than my Achilles. The game is on as to which part of my ankle/foot is going to hurt more with my left. My ankle will start hurting and then it will move down to my metatarsal bones. These are the major bones in the foot. My last three always hurt when they flare. I have already taken two strong pain pills to quiet down my Achilles but it didn’t do anything. I am feeling hopeless that nothing is working for my right ankle. My mother saw how swollen it was and saw the lump. I am tempted to just get a sharp knife and cut it out. Maybe then my Achilles will stop hurting me.

I ordered my favorite dinner, pizza and fries. I only ordered half a pizza and I am glad I did because I’m the only one that wanted a second slice. My mother and niece ate the fries and one slice each. I like when there is no left overs because I am the only one that usually eats it.

My Red Sox gear that I ordered finally came. I bought another hat and a hoodie. I know summer is coming but it’s a lightweight hoodie for cool nights. Plus I can use it as the temps keep fluctuating to cold even though it’s fricken June! My left ankle is not happy that I went down and up two flights of stairs. Stupid fucking CRPS!

tired from doing nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tired from doing nothing

I have no plans for the day other than resting my ankles as I did too much yesterday. I was in a lot of pain last night and felt really hopeless. I turned to a friend that I thought would be supportive as she also suffers from chronic pain and mental illness. Instead, she hurt my feelings by telling me to “stop it”. It’s like she didn’t want to hear that I was struggling. I said I was sorry to bother her and good night. This lead to a bunch of text messages saying to talk to her. After the third text, I texted back. I didn’t tell her she hurt my feelings. I am not going to talk to her today and I know next time I feel hopeless, not to call on her. It’s not worth being basically told to shut up about how you feel.

I got up this morning and my pain levels were down. I felt a little better but still feeling hopeless and defeated. I emailed my psychiatrist about my mood. I was going to go back to bed but decided to make coffee. My mother wasn’t feeling well so didn’t go down to my Aunt’s house. It was still raining when I went downstairs and very cold. I made my coffee and chatted lightly with my mother. She noticed my haircut and gave me the look of disappointment. I loved it. She always has something to say about my haircuts being short and this one is really shorter than I usually get it. I told her I would make lunch. I asked her if she wanted ribs and she said ok. My mouth was watering. I couldn’t wait to make lunch.

It was finally time to make lunch and my mother liked the ribs, though she said they were “spicy”. I told her they weren’t bad for $6 compare to the higher quality ribs of $17. After lunch we had some cheesecake. I felt really full. I told my mother I would make hot dogs for supper. She asked why I was making food for her as it wasn’t a special occasion. I told her my pain levels were down, even though I felt dog tired. I really like having hot dogs for dinner. I bought rolls for them so I am happy about that.

After lunch, I went up to my room and it was like a freight train hit me. I was so damn tired I needed a nap. But I still haven’t slept. I just can’t get comfortable and my brain won’t shut off. It keeps going around and around thinking of stuff to do but not wanting to do it. My pain came back a little while ago so I took my pain meds for the first time today, just my regular pain meds as the pain isn’t too severe.

I guess I am still recovering from yesterday as I am so tired today. I really don’t want to do anything but read Facebook and Twitter, which hasn’t been good. Most of the stories on Twitter have been about trump or the guy in Montana that body slammed a reporter. I still can’t believe he got elected but I blame trump because he called the media “an enemy of the people” so his supporters believe that shit. It makes me so mad because if a Dem did the same thing the repubs are doing, they would be treated much differently. It’s sick and twisted. So I have turned to Facebook. I had posted that I was having a hard time and if people could show me their pet pics that would be good. My friends complied. I was happy for a little while. Then a dear friend sent me cat videos and I got engaged in that for a bit. They are funny characters. I love cats.

With all this rain we are having, it has flared up my lower back. It hasn’t been incapacitating, thank god, but I am sore. I know we need the rain and I can’t wait for it to stop so my back will be okay again. I need to change my sheets and I can’t do it with my sore back. It will only aggravate it more. Next week is supposed to be better weather and warmer.

My Achilles is feeling much better today, even though it’s still swollen. I don’t care as long as it’s not hurting. It’s the worst type of pain. I am just glad ibuprofen took care of it last night. I was going out of my tree last night with pain. I was up till after midnight talking with my non-supportive friend. We were talking about random shit. She wants me to see the chief of podiatry at one of the small local hospitals. I don’t think a podiatrist will help me. I have a friend that works at the hospital and she is going to give me the name of an Achilles specialist there, which is what I need. I know that if they just get rid of the damn lump, my pain will decrease. I think it’s because it rubs against the tendon and that is what is causing me pain.

Tomorrow I am going to start typing the high school paper that I wrote. It will probably take me all day because I am not a fast typer when it comes to reading the paper and typing it up. I am going to try and see if WordPress will allow me to change the font to comic sans. I think it will be cool to have an old paper in that font. I just hope I don’t have to pay for that feature. If not, Times new Roman it is, or whatever font WordPress publishes.