Tag: chronic pain

the thing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

The thing

I am up past my “magic” hour because my thing aka my ankle/foot is causing me severe pain. I have taken all the meds I could possibly take and have just put on some lidocaine. I’m waiting for it to dry so I can possibly go to sleep.

I emailed my psych because I can’t sleep. It seems if I am up past 0200, I don’t go to sleep until the hours between 0400-0600. It’s a guessing game. I took an Ativan but I am so overtired, I don’t think it is going to calm me down enough to sleep. I really think I need a sleeping pill on nights like these, but I am afraid to take it because of the sleep walking or other strange things that people experience while taking it.

I am not expecting my psych to respond to my email, but she might. I was going to make a sauce today but I don’t think it is likely as I will want to sleep. I have therapy at 1600. As long as I can make it out of the house by 1400, I should be okay. Then I can have my espresso at Starbucks, which I hope will keep me up for a little bit. I think I might fry the ground beef and then refrigerate it until I make the sauce so the meat doesn’t go bad.

I am so tired but my damn thing is being a fucking bastard. I have decided to call it thing because different parts of my foot/ankle will hurt so it’s just easier calling it thing. I’m tired of having to differentiate what hurts and what doesn’t. The pain likes to hop around and go up and down and all around. It’s so infuriating. My physical pain was taken cared of by my pain meds and then it changed to nerve pain which isn’t taken cared of by my pain meds. I have to take Neurontin and that works whenever it decides to work. UGH. So in the meantime, I am suffering and can’t fucking sleep.

My toes are now part of the thing. The last three always fucking hurts and it’s like I am stubbing all three at once. It’s so painful. I guess I am not going to make any phone calls today. I will be too sleep deprived to make them. I wish I could move my therapy appt to another time but it’s too late to change it. I have 24 hours before the time to move and/or cancel it and it’s less than that time. I really don’t want to keep going to therapy. I just think it is a waste of time. I am fine handling things on my own. I have for a very long time.

I am getting hungry but I don’t want to go downstairs to make something to eat. I don’t think standing on my foot will help the pain any and I really don’t want it get worse. I won’t sleep until later and that won’t be good. It’s supposed to rain off and on all the day and tomorrow it’s supposed to rain all day. I have a dinner date with a friend of mine tomorrow night. We are going to my favorite restaurant for Thai food. I can’t wait. I haven’t had Pad Thai in a long time. It should be a good night out, despite the wet weather.

Did I mention I have songs shuffling in my head? It keeps jumping from one song to another and back again. It is driving me crazy. There is nothing I can take to stop the music playing unless I actually turn on my MP3 player but it’s too late for music and might keep me up rather than help me sleep.

I really need to call the dentist to reschedule my appointment. They had called me a few weeks ago saying that the dentist is no longer seeing patients on Tuesdays. Apparently he moved his schedule to Thursdays and Fridays, I think the message said. It’s fine with me, but I just need to call to make the appointment, which I have been procrastinating about. I hate going to the dentist. I hate the scraping of my teeth. I used to like it when I was a kid but now that I am an adult, it bothers me. I do have a cavity that needs to be filled, which further makes me want to postpone the appointment. I know that isn’t good because it could get bigger and cause me more problems, which is why I try and brush my teeth every day even if I don’t feel like it.

I need to lie down. Maybe if I do lie down, I will fall asleep. My back is starting to hurt from sitting the past several hours. I will write more later.

bad physical pain day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bad physical pain day

I did way too much yesterday and the day before. I tried resting but my damn allergies kept me up. I did take a nap, eventually. My Achilles is really painful. After I had supper, I iced it. It helped to numb it so I could bear weight on it. I am completely miserable today.

Last night I went off on my psychiatrist. I told her I didn’t want to see any doctor including her. I am tired of seeing them. She responded today asking if I was serious. I told her I was just frustrated at not being heard and being dismissed all the time with my concerns. I told her I would see her tomorrow for our scheduled appointment but to have tissues ready. I have been crying a lot lately because of pain and because I am just so upset at the medical profession. Why did people chose this profession if they are not going to be helpful?

It’s hot and humid so I just turned on the AC so I could freeze my ass off. I hope it helps the allergies as I have been stuffed up and coughing most of the day. I thought when I woke up this morning, I was getting a cold. It cleared up after I used my Flonase. I am just miserable and I have been taking my pain meds but it’s not helping my Achilles at all. I feel so upset with this. I bought another $25 worth of pens last night as retail therapy. I bought a 12 pack and a single pen that I like. I want this one to be in my carryon bag that I take with me when I go out.

I took 900 mg of Neurontin after my mother rudely woke me from a sound sleep to find out where my childhood friend now lives. I was so annoyed. She knows I have been in a lot of pain yesterday. I had a hard time sleeping despite taking my night meds early. I just couldn’t sleep even though I was so tired. I didn’t fall asleep till around midnight, six hours after I took my meds. I had to take another Ativan to calm down. The Neurontin is helping with the burning pain, even though it’s making my waistline bigger. I weighed myself yesterday and found I had gained 10 pounds in a week. This med just adds weight, even if you don’t eat more than you usually do. Then when you stop it, you lose the weight, or some of it anyway. I hate it but it works so I can’t do anything about it.

I’m feeling really depressed and at times I just want to kill myself because I feel so worthless. If I can’t walk, what is the point of living? I just want to go to my spot and end it. I might this weekend if my pain lets up. I will tell my psych this. I don’t care. I know I am going to bawl when I see her. I just am so upset at my PCP.

Both ankles are hurting me but my left is hurting me more than my Achilles. The game is on as to which part of my ankle/foot is going to hurt more with my left. My ankle will start hurting and then it will move down to my metatarsal bones. These are the major bones in the foot. My last three always hurt when they flare. I have already taken two strong pain pills to quiet down my Achilles but it didn’t do anything. I am feeling hopeless that nothing is working for my right ankle. My mother saw how swollen it was and saw the lump. I am tempted to just get a sharp knife and cut it out. Maybe then my Achilles will stop hurting me.

I ordered my favorite dinner, pizza and fries. I only ordered half a pizza and I am glad I did because I’m the only one that wanted a second slice. My mother and niece ate the fries and one slice each. I like when there is no left overs because I am the only one that usually eats it.

My Red Sox gear that I ordered finally came. I bought another hat and a hoodie. I know summer is coming but it’s a lightweight hoodie for cool nights. Plus I can use it as the temps keep fluctuating to cold even though it’s fricken June! My left ankle is not happy that I went down and up two flights of stairs. Stupid fucking CRPS!

tired from doing nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tired from doing nothing

I have no plans for the day other than resting my ankles as I did too much yesterday. I was in a lot of pain last night and felt really hopeless. I turned to a friend that I thought would be supportive as she also suffers from chronic pain and mental illness. Instead, she hurt my feelings by telling me to “stop it”. It’s like she didn’t want to hear that I was struggling. I said I was sorry to bother her and good night. This lead to a bunch of text messages saying to talk to her. After the third text, I texted back. I didn’t tell her she hurt my feelings. I am not going to talk to her today and I know next time I feel hopeless, not to call on her. It’s not worth being basically told to shut up about how you feel.

I got up this morning and my pain levels were down. I felt a little better but still feeling hopeless and defeated. I emailed my psychiatrist about my mood. I was going to go back to bed but decided to make coffee. My mother wasn’t feeling well so didn’t go down to my Aunt’s house. It was still raining when I went downstairs and very cold. I made my coffee and chatted lightly with my mother. She noticed my haircut and gave me the look of disappointment. I loved it. She always has something to say about my haircuts being short and this one is really shorter than I usually get it. I told her I would make lunch. I asked her if she wanted ribs and she said ok. My mouth was watering. I couldn’t wait to make lunch.

It was finally time to make lunch and my mother liked the ribs, though she said they were “spicy”. I told her they weren’t bad for $6 compare to the higher quality ribs of $17. After lunch we had some cheesecake. I felt really full. I told my mother I would make hot dogs for supper. She asked why I was making food for her as it wasn’t a special occasion. I told her my pain levels were down, even though I felt dog tired. I really like having hot dogs for dinner. I bought rolls for them so I am happy about that.

After lunch, I went up to my room and it was like a freight train hit me. I was so damn tired I needed a nap. But I still haven’t slept. I just can’t get comfortable and my brain won’t shut off. It keeps going around and around thinking of stuff to do but not wanting to do it. My pain came back a little while ago so I took my pain meds for the first time today, just my regular pain meds as the pain isn’t too severe.

I guess I am still recovering from yesterday as I am so tired today. I really don’t want to do anything but read Facebook and Twitter, which hasn’t been good. Most of the stories on Twitter have been about trump or the guy in Montana that body slammed a reporter. I still can’t believe he got elected but I blame trump because he called the media “an enemy of the people” so his supporters believe that shit. It makes me so mad because if a Dem did the same thing the repubs are doing, they would be treated much differently. It’s sick and twisted. So I have turned to Facebook. I had posted that I was having a hard time and if people could show me their pet pics that would be good. My friends complied. I was happy for a little while. Then a dear friend sent me cat videos and I got engaged in that for a bit. They are funny characters. I love cats.

With all this rain we are having, it has flared up my lower back. It hasn’t been incapacitating, thank god, but I am sore. I know we need the rain and I can’t wait for it to stop so my back will be okay again. I need to change my sheets and I can’t do it with my sore back. It will only aggravate it more. Next week is supposed to be better weather and warmer.

My Achilles is feeling much better today, even though it’s still swollen. I don’t care as long as it’s not hurting. It’s the worst type of pain. I am just glad ibuprofen took care of it last night. I was going out of my tree last night with pain. I was up till after midnight talking with my non-supportive friend. We were talking about random shit. She wants me to see the chief of podiatry at one of the small local hospitals. I don’t think a podiatrist will help me. I have a friend that works at the hospital and she is going to give me the name of an Achilles specialist there, which is what I need. I know that if they just get rid of the damn lump, my pain will decrease. I think it’s because it rubs against the tendon and that is what is causing me pain.

Tomorrow I am going to start typing the high school paper that I wrote. It will probably take me all day because I am not a fast typer when it comes to reading the paper and typing it up. I am going to try and see if WordPress will allow me to change the font to comic sans. I think it will be cool to have an old paper in that font. I just hope I don’t have to pay for that feature. If not, Times new Roman it is, or whatever font WordPress publishes.

and so a chapter ends

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

And so the chapter ends

I woke up really early in the morning and had a difficult time getting back to sleep. It made me not want to get out of bed when it was time to get the Zipcar. It was warm and I wore jeans instead of shorts. I was sweating really bad by the time I got to the car and quickly put the AC on. I went to Starbucks for my espresso and left.

There was traffic on the highway but I didn’t care. I had enough time on the car and my therapist wasn’t specific about me being there on time. When I got to her town, I went to Walmart to buy some PJs and some shorts. I wanted to find Sox hats for my friend’s kids but they didn’t have them. I will have to look at another store.

As I drove to her office, I thought about this being the last time I would be out this way, that this would be the last time taking route 9. I also thought about all the sessions I had out there and on the phone. I wondered how many boxes there would be after 16 years of therapy. I brought a dolly just in case there were a lot. Turns out there were two, a heavy one that I guessed was my journals and books and a lighter one that had my stuffed bears.

I took the highway home and there was traffic. The Mass highway had taken down the tolls so it was just lanes anywhere they could put them, which made for hazardous driving. The speed limit was 55 mph all the way, sometime lower in some areas or if you got behind grandma Moses.

Luckily my niece was home so she helped me bring up one of the boxes so I didn’t have to make several trips. I opened the boxes when I got home and things that I had forgotten about where there. It brought back memories of the beginning, middle, and end. I had given her a lot of my writing, including a book that I was published in by the Boston Public Library back in high school. I also had given her “The Gus Chronicles”, which is about an abused kid going through the foster system. I had to read it for one of my psych classes in college. I was wondering where that book went to. Now I can read it again.

I am glad I have my stuffed bears back. One is a 3 foot bear, not kidding. He took up half the hospital bed with me when I had my first surgery 16 years ago. I had to put him on a chair so I could sleep comfortably. The other two are smaller ones that Starbucks had put out. They are called Bearistas. I was collecting them until they stopped putting them out. It was fun.

I came home with a half hour to spare to return the car so I rested a little bit. The driving was not good for my Achilles and I was sore. I was kind of shaking and realized I hadn’t had anything to eat all day other than my espresso. I decided to return the car, drop something at the post office, and then have some pizza at my favorite place. I put $5 in my pocket with my phone, which was a mistake. I pulled my phone out and the money went bye-bye. I had to stop at the ATM for some cash. It was no big deal as I needed to go to the ATM anyway. I want to get a haircut tomorrow.

I walked home from the pizza place and got hit with allergies. I started sneezing really bad. My allergies have been bad all day as the post nasal drip has really irritated my throat and my nose keeps running. I hate allergy season.