Tag: chronic pain

so far down away from the sun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So far down away from the sun

I made myself lunch and now I am paying for it. My foot is flared up, again. I took my regular pain meds and if they don’t work by 1500, I will take the strong pain meds. I hate that doing something so simple causes me pain. It was bothering me before I started cooking but standing and doing it made it worse.

I ordered some stuff from Starbucks. I had bought some K-cups for the Keurig my sister has. I didn’t know at the time that it was out of commission. Now I have to return the cups. I did buy a water bottle. I fill it with iced tea and have been trying to drink more as I know I am dehydrated. I am hoping that it reminds me to drink. I dilute the tea with ice so it’s just more like flavored water than tea.

I finally finished Robert Lowell while having my coffee. Now I can get started on the book my friend gave me on Maya the bee or something like that. I will start it later tonight. I entered the Lowell book on my reading challenge. I have read 3 books of the 30 that I want to read for the year.

I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up several time during the night because of pain. I really couldn’t get much relief last night. And now with my foot acting up, I just don’t know if I will ever have relief. I put lidocaine on my ankle and foot, the prescription one, and it took forever to dry because it is so thick. It worked but I really don’t like using it. I think I will stick with the OTC brand.

I have decided that once I finish drinking the 24 ounces of tea, I am going to have some Oreos as I have been craving them. I had some last night but they weren’t enough to fill me up. I wanted to have almond milk with it but the carton was in the back of the fridge and it froze. Damn fridge. I have it thawing out. I hope it’s still good. I am out of half and half so will need to get some more. I am debating on either waiting till I can order my groceries or just go to the store and get it so I can have coffee tomorrow. I am so indecisive lately. I don’t know if it is the pain or the depression or both.

I want to take a shower but that is impossible. There is no way I can stand for 15 minutes or so with my foot acting all fucking crazy like it is. I fucking hate being in so much damn pain. I just want to complain to someone but I don’t even know who to talk to. I am so frustrated. This has gone on for a week now. Same fucking pain every single day and sometimes it spreads to my ankle, which just about kills me. I want to get bombed but I have no idea if that will help me or not. I just want to zone out and have some relief from my ailing foot/ankle. I am on very thin ice and I fear that soon that ice is going to crack and I am going to fall through.

diets and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Diets and other things

I had a hard time sleeping because of pain and the voices. The voices started up around 1800 last night and they were telling me people were out to get me, they hated me, and were trying to steal my thoughts. I became really anxious so I called my psych, who told me to take some Ativan. I had taken a strong pain pill and I think that is why my sleep was disrupted. My psych wanted me to call her today.

I didn’t stick to my diet today. I just ate what I wanted. I wasn’t planning on going out today but I wanted a burrito so I went to the Square and got one. Then I went to Starbucks to eat it and have my espresso and write a little bit. I tried writing for about a half hour with my new pen. It was a fine point and wrote smooth. I liked it but I prefer my medium point. I saw my bus go by and checked my watch. The next bus was coming so I left to go to the bus stop.

I went to Walgreens for my mother and they still didn’t have what she wanted so I got a raincheck for the item. I got some instant pasta so I could have it for supper. My mother called me to say she was making spaghetti. I will just have the pasta tomorrow. I hate skipping my diet but I wanted real food. Just having liquid protein is tough. I made it through yesterday okay but I was starving when I woke up at 0230 this morning. I had another Ensure and tried to go back to sleep.

I was on Twitter for most of the day. I saw that the Star Trek Twitter had posted a game from Think Geek. It’s a Monopoly game with a Klingon theme. I want it really bad! I think it will be fun to play with my nieces and nephew. I will get it when my check comes in next.

My ankle is still fucking hurting really bad. I am tempted to take another strong pain pill as I can’t take my regular meds for the next couple of hours. I took Neurontin this morning to keep the burning away. I feel groggy from it and the espresso helped but I am feeling really sleepy now that I am home. My psych called me back and I told her about the stressors that contributed to my psychosis yesterday. I would write about it but I am being watched so I can’t talk about it.

I didn’t have any sweets today though I really wanted to get a donut at Starbucks. I am trying to lay off junk food and sweets. It’s hard because I like those things.

I caved in and took a strong pain pill. I couldn’t help it. The pain is getting worse and I am going nuts from it. My suicidality is increasing because of it. I figure if I stop the pain, the suicidality will go down. I just want to end my life anyway, just for the hell of it. Just try it and see what happens. I die, I die. If I live, I live. I don’t fricken care. I just want to get the devil out of my system.

I think tomorrow, if I am not hungover or in really bad pain, I will change my sheets. The sheets I have on now keep coming off the bed, which is annoying me. The stupid foam topper keeps shifting and I don’t know why, which takes the sheet with it. I have had to adjust the thing every other day and I am getting tired of it!

trying something different

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Trying something different

I woke up in pain again around 0630. I took some pain meds and so far, I don’t seem to be needing anymore for the time being. I went back to sleep a few hours later. When I got up, I decided I was going to try the liquid protein diet again. So I had a drink and then made coffee. The coffee came out a little weak because I put too much water. I hate when I do that. I am going to try and stick with this diet. If I can make it all week on it, I will try it next week or until I run out of protein drinks. I have gained four pounds so I am hoping to lose that and a little more. It is hard to lose but I hope I can stay on this course. It’s my second attempt at this as the first time didn’t work out as well.

Allergies are really bad today. I am congested and sneezing a lot. I am going to try and work on my paper. I am going to try and read it and see what information I can pull from it. The one piece of information I was waiting on from the author of the paper wrote back to me so I will include that in my analysis.

It’s another nice day. I opened the back door. My mother needs to have the screen doors repaired as they are getting more patched up than screened. Every time it rains, the patches blow away as they are just stuck on with tape-like thing.

I got my favorite country radio station playing on my Kindle. I really want to go back to sleep but I am going to try and avoid it. I need to write like a bullet point for this blog and then write up some things that I want to work on with my therapist. I was thinking of them last night as I was drifting off to sleep. There are about three or four things I really want to work on. I am kind of scared because I am not used to asking what I want from therapy. I just expect the therapist to know after I talk for a little bit. But the last few sessions haven’t left me feeling like anything is happening other than me rattling off my history and how bad my childhood was.

My new Depends underwear came in so I will start wearing them tomorrow. I got a couple samples in the package with a coupon. I’ll take a shower tonight. I just hope they fit me. I have a huge package so if they don’t fit, I am screwed. I hate that it has come to this. I have stopped one of my medications. I am not taking it this week and see how my bladder does.

my thoughts however disturbing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My thoughts however disturbing

I didn’t talk about the politics that has happened yesterday. I don’t think it affected me, yet. I am hoping my state is immune because we have our own way of doing healthcare but I don’t know if the new Trumpcare will force them across the board or what will happen. It still has a few steps to go through before being signed by Cheeto.

But it has me worried none the less. If reproductive contraceptives are affected, I will no longer get my hormones free. I don’t know how much they will cost. A friend that has gone through the gender clinic who has mental problems like I do, was not able to get testosterone because she/he was not stable enough. I worry with my suicidality if the same will be my fate if I am no longer to get the contraception hormones to stop my menses. I will become suicidal again and it won’t be pretty.

I will be stuck and feel trapped. It won’t be a good feeling and because I have a bunch of pre-existing conditions, I don’t know if I will get my medication that I need to keep me alive and somewhat functioning. My blood pressure will go up to stroke like conditions. My migraines will come back and between that and the chronic pain that I have, I doubt I will be able to take the pain in my head as well.

The pain in my ankle has returned. Not with a vengeance but as I climbed out of bed for dinner, the sheet irritated my big toe and by the time I went downstairs, the pain came back. I feel like I should just end my life because what is my life worth to the republican party. They want to weed out people like me that is costing the insurance companies millions in doctors visits and medications every year. Hell, just therapy alone cost me $15,000 in insurance. I just don’t feel worthy to live anyway. I am sure I am not the only mental health person in America that feels this way right now. To some congressmen, transgender people are a “disease”. I am sure they will love for me to be wiped out by suicide.

We’ll see how this plays out before I make plans to end my life. I hope the Senate doesn’t let this bill pass or that the lousy VP doesn’t break a tie because we all know which direction it will go. America will be lost, more so than it already is thanks to Cheeto and his cronies.