Tag: chronic pain

my thoughts however disturbing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My thoughts however disturbing

I didn’t talk about the politics that has happened yesterday. I don’t think it affected me, yet. I am hoping my state is immune because we have our own way of doing healthcare but I don’t know if the new Trumpcare will force them across the board or what will happen. It still has a few steps to go through before being signed by Cheeto.

But it has me worried none the less. If reproductive contraceptives are affected, I will no longer get my hormones free. I don’t know how much they will cost. A friend that has gone through the gender clinic who has mental problems like I do, was not able to get testosterone because she/he was not stable enough. I worry with my suicidality if the same will be my fate if I am no longer to get the contraception hormones to stop my menses. I will become suicidal again and it won’t be pretty.

I will be stuck and feel trapped. It won’t be a good feeling and because I have a bunch of pre-existing conditions, I don’t know if I will get my medication that I need to keep me alive and somewhat functioning. My blood pressure will go up to stroke like conditions. My migraines will come back and between that and the chronic pain that I have, I doubt I will be able to take the pain in my head as well.

The pain in my ankle has returned. Not with a vengeance but as I climbed out of bed for dinner, the sheet irritated my big toe and by the time I went downstairs, the pain came back. I feel like I should just end my life because what is my life worth to the republican party. They want to weed out people like me that is costing the insurance companies millions in doctors visits and medications every year. Hell, just therapy alone cost me $15,000 in insurance. I just don’t feel worthy to live anyway. I am sure I am not the only mental health person in America that feels this way right now. To some congressmen, transgender people are a “disease”. I am sure they will love for me to be wiped out by suicide.

We’ll see how this plays out before I make plans to end my life. I hope the Senate doesn’t let this bill pass or that the lousy VP doesn’t break a tie because we all know which direction it will go. America will be lost, more so than it already is thanks to Cheeto and his cronies.

I feel ugly

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I feel ugly

I haven’t been feeling right the past few days. I feel ugly, sad, depressed, out of sorts. At times I want to end my life very bad but somehow I just keep plugging along. I am thinking of going into the hospital and anyone that knows me, knows this isn’t a light decision. I hate going in the hospital and will only go as my last, very last, resort. I just think it might be an option to keep me safe for a few days or a week or until they piss me off and I want to leave.

I woke up about an hour or so ago because my bladder woke me up. I had several messages on my phone. I took my pain meds and went to the bathroom. I didn’t feel like clearing the messages. When I came back to my room, I looked over the messages. I had one from a friend, saying she had been in a car accident. No other information was given. I hate when people do that. Just pisses me off.

I feel no one cares about me. I know there are people that do but it’s like I have this shield around me and I just can’t feel it. I feel like they would be better off without me in their lives. It’s like I am just a hassle for them and I just bring them down all the time. I am tired of feeling like everyone’s go to person and then when I need support, I don’t get it or people just freak out because I do need support. I feel like I am just better off not asking people for help.

My ankle/foot is bothering me. I just took a strong pain pill because the regular pills aren’t working. Pain is just too severe. I am tired and want to go back to sleep but my thoughts are milling around. And I got a fricken Toby Keith song stuck in my head the last few days on repeat. He had posted the lyrics to the song on his Twitter account and I had to listen to the song. Now I regret it. I don’t know why some songs stay in my head long after I listen to them and other times they don’t. The song is really loud tonight and I don’t know why. I wish I had a pause button or some other kind of volume control.

woke up and can’t go back to sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Woke up and can’t go back to sleep

I woke up to use the bathroom and then have something to eat. Now I can’t go back to sleep. I wrote two emails before I went to bed. One was to my psych telling her how I was doing as I was in severe pain. I also told her how therapy was going. Then before I went to sleep, I emailed my therapist to ask him a few questions and to see if I could get another session this week. I am just feeling vulnerable and need the extra support.

I haven’t heard from my girlfriend in three days now. We had a short exchange on Friday but that was it. I probably will hear from her later today. I miss our chats.

I think next month I am going to buy a new laptop. The one that I am using right now is having problems with the screen and the cooling fan is making much more noise than it did before. I fear it is going to stop working all together and then it will break down. I just don’t know if I should get the 11” or the 14”. The consensus on Facebook is to get the 14” so I might go with that as it has I think it has more USB ports. I was writing it down in my notebook the stats so I could refer to it but I didn’t note the USB. I will have to look again as one had three and the other had two. The price is relatively the same for what I want loaded on it. Neither comes with a DVD/RW so will either have to use my laptop for that or buy an external one. I would have to buy software to play DVDs if I do. That is another 80 bucks so I am not sure I want to spend that much as that will jack up the price to around $600, for either laptop.

I had put lidocaine on my Achilles before I went to sleep and that seemed to help bring the pain down. Now my CRPS ankle, which is my bad one, is hurting me. I am not sure if it woke me up or not as it was close to the time I had to take my meds. Seems my body knows when I need a dose of meds more than I do. Usually around five hours after a dose it when I need the next one. I try to extend the time to six hours but it’s sometimes not possible. I see my PCP at the end of the month and I hope he would have changed his mind about giving me a longer acting pain med. If I can get at least eight hours of relief, that would be great. It would last me through the night and I won’t be up in the middle of the night.

I want to get my haircut done today but I don’t know if that is going to happen as I am up in the middle of the night again. I guess it depends on how I feel later today when I get up. I want to make bacon. I need to rest today so I might get my haircut done tomorrow. It all depends on what my energy levels are later.

I saw in country news that Billy Ray Cyrus will be changing his name to just Cyrus. I love his music. When he was playing a doctor in New York city (I forget the name of the show), I loved it and bought his album. There was song I fell in love with but I can’t think of it now and it’s not on Amazon music. Apparently, he is going to re-record his hit single, Achy Breaky Heart. I listened to it the other day when I was playing songs on YouTube. I started playing Toby Keith and it continued to play a bunch of country artists that I haven’t heard on the radio in a long time, like George Strait, Brooks and Dunn, and Cyrus. It was great listening to the old country songs. I wish they played them on the radio but now they play the new artist and the music just sucks.

fricken frustrated about things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Fricken frustrated about things

I know I kind of did a lot today. My pain levels were up and I took meds to bring them down. Then I got up to get something and when I went back into bed, my pain shot up again. Now I am having nerve pain. I am so damn sick of being in pain all the damn time.

I was writing to a friend today about how things have been for me the past few months since the cops showed up at my house and how my blogs have basically not been the same. My writing has changed to not be so suicidal and to be honest about my true dark feelings. That I keep for my journal. I have to write and blogging was an outlet for me but some jerk ruined the experience for me. I still don’t know who that person was or how they found out where I lived.

I am just so frustrated by being depressed all the time and not getting relief from it and then add in chronic pain and it’s a recipe for disaster. Yet some how I am still here despite not wanting to be. I must have thought a half a million times tonight alone that I should just end my life. But I can’t do that to my psych. We are coming up to almost 25 years of working together.

The friend that I mentioned earlier wanted me to enter a writing contest for the organization I once belonged to. I told her that I did but didn’t win the first year they had the award. I had written about my experience of being suicidal because of being transgender. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I came to the realization that at least 85% of my suicidality was because I was in the wrong body. It took me another year or two to put together that having menses really fucked with me and caused instantaneous suicidal impulses. Once my menses stopped, I no longer have that great suicidal urge once a month. It sucks that I have to take female hormones to stop my menses but it is what it is, for right now.

The only thing stopping me from becoming a man is my mother. She will not understand it at all and the rejection would kill me. I would die as her daughter rather than her son. I do hope to change my name legally sometime this year. It’s something I wanted to do last year but something came up and I was not able to go ahead with it. It also is a lot of money that I need to save up for. I am hoping that one of my paychecks once I get caught up on bills I will be able to go to the court and file the paperwork needed to do it. This is something I have been dreaming about for years. I have always, always, hated my birth name. Course there have been different names that I have wanted. Alex and Mike have been the few names that I thought I wanted but I got used to people calling me G or GC so decided to stick with those lines. I still have not decided, fully, which of those initials to go with. It’s hard.