Tag: chronic pain

being cussed at by a limb is not fun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Being cussed at by a limb is not fun

I did a lot of walking today. I went to the Square Starbucks for breakfast. Then I waited to catch the bus to the mall. I had a walk from the station to the mall and then had to walk towards the end of it to go to Lenscrafters. I wanted to get a pair of prescription sunglasses. It cost me a lot of dough but they were made within an hour and a half and I trust the quality. I am really happy with them.

I went shopping at TJ Maxx for pillows and I found two that seem adequate. As I was walking to the checkout, which was at the other end of the store, I saw some Sox T-shirts and got one. I walked to the Starbucks for a black tea lemonade while I waited for my glasses to be ready. I also went to the hat store and bought two new Sox hats. I feel like I am spoiling myself as I keep buying myself things. My wallet is suffering but I don’t care. Once the glasses were ready, I couldn’t decide if I wanted a cab home, take the train or take the bus. I opted to take the bus and then a cab home because the next bus wasn’t for 45 minutes and I didn’t feel like waiting. Plus I was hungry.

I walked home because it was cheaper to be let off at Walgreens than to take me home. I carried my stuff home and upstairs and I was exhausted. I made my ribs and wanted to nap afterwards but I needed to page my psych for a check in. I am still waiting for her to call me back. By this time, my ankle started swearing at me and then my foot and ankle exploded. All the bones on the outer part of my ankle/foot are throbbing intensely. I just want to sleep. I got hit with a migraine on the way to the mall so I am really needing a nap.

It was really warm today so I wore shorts. Surprisingly, my room is cool so I turned off the ceiling fan. I hope my psych calls soon because I really want to take a nap. I already called my mother to tell her I won’t be having dinner with her tonight because my ankle/foot are swearing at me. I just did too much in a few short hours. I won’t be going back to the mall anytime soon.

distraction writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Distraction writing

For the past three hours I have been dealing with spasms and feelings of things crawling inside me. I took an Ativan for the spasms and hoped the crawling feeling would go away too. It didn’t then my ankle was really hurting me from the spasms so I took my pain meds. The crawling feelings went away. I must have been going through withdrawal as it has been some hours since my last dose of meds. I think it was more than 12 hours, not good.

Now I am in pain with my foot/ankle/toes. I am debating on taking the strong pain pill but I want to give my regular pain meds a chance to really work. It’s only been about two hours since I have taken it. I figure I would write because that helps me distract from what is going on with me.

My Star Trek: the Next Generation DVDs came. I am so excited to watch them again, though I am kind of nervous. My nephew was over the house and he asked if this was before Nemesis. I forgot that the series was over before he was born or just about over. He is too young to remember the show. I thought about watching some episodes after the game but didn’t want to binge watch and be up all night.

I ordered more pens from Amazon. I think I need an intervention of some kind. I am addicted to pens. I bought like 3 or 4 different kinds, this time multi-colored inks and fine point. UGH, I am going to be broke soon. Then I was interested in an article about safety planning so I bought that for $36. I thought it would give me access to other articles but it didn’t, just that one fricken article and that was it. I would have to pay another $36 if I wanted to look at another article. Fuckers. I wasn’t going to do that. I have a friend that is in school and can get me this article that I want. It came out last month so I just need to send him the citation information. Tomorrow I will print out the article I bought and read it over. I might blog about it, if it’s good.

My foot is showing no signs of quitting with pain so strong pain pill it is! I need to replenish my extra strong pain pills (Dove dark Chocolate) as I only have five left. I have been having at least three at a time, some times more if I am feeling indulgent. I love dark chocolate more than milk chocolate.

I plan on going to the mall tomorrow to buy prescription sunglasses. I think they have a Godiva shop there. If they do, maybe I can get dark chocolate bars from there. My hospital used to sell them but now they only carry milk chocolate. Bummer. I hate being in this much pain. I am having dark thoughts and am seriously thinking of ending things sooner rather than later. I am just so fed up with dealing with this bullshit day in and day out. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I did get the prescription lidocaine that my doctor called in. I checked it out online to see if it was oil based or water based. It was water based so I got it. Dumb pharmacist. All they had to do was look that the package and read the ingredients. Dumb dumbs. I don’t feel like putting it on because the pain is all over the damn place. The spasms really fucked me over. I am glad I didn’t have my laptop on my lap because my legs were flying and jerking really bad. I hate when they get that way. I still don’t know why they do that. And it was both legs, usually it’s just my left. I am going to tell my psychiatrist about the crawling sensation when I talk to her tomorrow afternoon, or should I say later this afternoon.

I think I am going to sleep late today so I am not sure I will get to the mall like I want to. If I do, I want to get a new Red Sox hat. It’s been years since I bought one. I think the last one I bought was in 2007 or so. Long time. I am still mad at myself for losing my favorite gray Sox hat. Maybe I can replace it.

I am very tired but pain is fucking keeping me up. I wish I could lie down but my anxiety of pain getting worse is in the way. I don’t want to keep popping up because I can’t lie down because of pain. I took a lower dose of Neurontin because it was late and I didn’t want to be sleeping all day. My foot is also burning right now. So many different types of pain. Every. Single. Night. I can’t stand it. It really depresses me.

Protected: plans and dates

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

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cold dreary raw day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cold dreary raw day

My groceries came earlier than the scheduled time. I was glad. I feel like shit and just wanted to rest. It’s cold and rainy out so I really don’t feel like leaving the house. I want to make my ribs but I don’t even have energy for that. I just feel so depressed today. I emailed my psychiatrist about things. I don’t think she will be able to do much for me. She wants me to go into the hospital but I don’t feel like bothering. I wish just wishing to die would work.

It takes about 20 minutes to heat up the ribs. I wish I had the energy to do it. I just want to stay in my warm bed and sleep. My bad ankle is acting up because of the weather. It doesn’t like the cold and it doesn’t like the rain/dampness. I feel so out of touch with reality, like things are moving in slow motion today. I was fine when I put my groceries away and now I just feel like a lump on a log, a sorry excuse for a human being.

I am in so much pain today that I can’t make myself something to eat. I told my psychiatrist this. She was willing to send EMS to my house to get me to the hospital. I told her I don’t want to go. They won’t help me. No one can really help me. I am just going through the motions of living, whatever that is. I don’t know why things are so bad today. I keep crying but I don’t have any emotions that are with it. I guess I am just frustrated. So damn frustrated that I am in pain and I don’t have any relief. Yes, I could take my pain meds but it won’t help my psychache at all, no matter how many I take.

I haven’t felt psychache this bad in months. I don’t know why today it’s hitting me so hard. It’s like a crushing weight on my chest and I can’t breathe. I know I might feel better if I eat something. Sometimes low blood sugar can cause my emotions to be hundred time worse than what they really are. I just don’t have any motivation to get out of bed, turn the oven on, wait for it to preheat, take the ribs out of the package (a real hassle because you don’t want the BBQ sauce to get every where), and then put them on the pan. Too many spoons for one simple meal. I don’t need to make sides or anything, though I did think of making biscuits. I bought them a month ago. I hope they are still good. They are still in a can and you just bake them for like 20 minutes or so.

My Australian friend’s package has arrived today. I will ship it out tomorrow. There is no way I am doing it today. I will let him know it came and that I will ship it out soon. I feel so depleted today. I just want to sleep. I am going to try and make the ribs first. I need something to eat as I am hungry. I hope it makes me feel a little better afterwards.