Tag: chronic pain

year anniversary of the death of my father

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, grief, mood disorders

It’s been a year since my father passed away. All day I have been thinking about him and the events that went on that day. I feel really sad.

My therapist wanted me to do something nice for myself so I went to Starbucks and ordered my favorite latte and a breakfast sandwich. I tried writing in my journal but nothing was coming to me. I left to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my prescription. Walking there was okay. Then walking back to the train station, my right ankle started bothering me. I felt like going up to the ankle service as I was at MGH to make an appointment with the chief of the service but I didn’t. I just wanted to go home.

I had a half hour before the next bus and didn’t want to wait so I took a cab to walgreens. I left my prescription and said I would be back in an hour. I came home and felt really shitty. Both ankles were bothering me and I couldn’t stand it. I hobbled up the stairs, got the mail. I had to use the bathroom and then I went up to my room. I took three pain meds and 800 mg of ibuprofen. I am in serious pain. It started raining.

I had to call my psychiatrist so I did. I waited for her to call back. We talked for a bit. I told her I would call the ankle service to set up an appointment. I had to get on the computer to get the chief’s name as I couldn’t remember it. I called and even though I specified that I wanted the appointment with the chief, the secretary gave me the appointment with his PA. Asshole. It’s in a few weeks.

I just got notification that my prescriptions are ready. I need a nap. I will probably pick them up later after dinner. I am so tired. Being in chronic pain just takes so much out of you. I feel like a weakling because I just don’t have the stamina I once had to do things. It really depresses me that things I was able to do, I can’t do anymore. It’s very frustrating. I need a nap and then I am more tired than I was before the nap. It’s also frustrating because they are working on the damn house in the street over and they are so damn noisy. They are rebuilding the whole damn thing, it sounds like. Every day there is hammering and sawing. So hard to rest when you hear the noise.

I have been having intrusive memories most of the day. I keep remembering stuff that happened this day last year with the death of my father. I don’t know if I will ever get over his loss. There are so many mixed feelings I have for my father and none of it is good. He was an asshole and a miserable person who only thought of himself. He was vain and loved to stare at pictures of himself. He always had to dress in a shirt and dress pants. He never owned sweatpants or jeans. He always called me fat and ugly. No one contradicted him so I believed him. I still do and probably always will.

a real exhausting day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A real exhausting day

I didn’t go to sleep till around 4ish and then woke up around 8. I went to the bathroom and then I went back to sleep after I took my blood pressure pill. I slept for the next few hours and did not want to leave my bed at all. I needed to shower so I did that. I came back to my room and I was exhausted. It was around 1300 and I needed to leave the house in an hour. I thought about canceling therapy but it was too late for that. I fiddled with my computer and then got dressed.

I went to Starbucks and had something to eat with my espresso. I really didn’t want to do anything. I tried writing and didn’t get too far. I didn’t want to work on my blog project. I just wanted therapy hour to hurry up so I could go home and sleep.

Therapy came and we mostly talked about my father. I didn’t feel better talking about him. It was old news. The therapist was pissing me off because he was picking at his nails or cleaning them, I am not sure which but it was annoying. Towards the end of session, he wanted me to do something nice for myself tomorrow on my father’s anniversary. I said the only nice thing I do is buy myself a cup of coffee at Starbucks. That is usually a treat for me. Gets me out of the house for a little while. So he said that was doable. Then he said our time was over and I left.

I caught the train I usually miss so I was able to catch the bus home earlier than I usually do. I was going to get a burrito but I will get it tomorrow when I am out, if I do go out. Everything is up in the air at this point. I am really tired and just want to take my night meds and crash. I had some motivation to work on my blog project on the way home but that went out the window soon as I came to my room. I was hot and sweaty because I wore my winter coat and it wasn’t that cold out today. My ankle is starting to flare so I am not going to eat anything but pain meds right now.

My PCP’s office called me. My prescription is ready for pick up so I will go into town tomorrow to get it. I only have 4 pills left. I will go to Walgreens afterwards to get it filled. Guess I won’t be changing my sheets tomorrow like I had planned. My cousin just texted me and now I feel all depressed because instead of enjoying her retirement, she is taking care of my aunt full-time. I am happy that she is but I know how stressful it can be. Caretaking is so difficult.

pain blog and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain blog and other things

I tried to lie down to sleep and my foot promptly exploded in pain. I had to sit up and take some pain meds. I am very tired. I somehow managed to take a shower. It was really difficult because I really didn’t want to but my head was gross from not taking one all week. I hate it when my head is greasy looking. I am glad I took one because that means I can sleep a little later tomorrow. I need to leave the house by 1100 to catch the bus to the Square. My appt with my psych is at 1300 so that leaves me a couple hours to have my espresso and write in my journal for a little bit. If I get up earlier, I will try and get a haircut.

One of my good friends sent me a picture of a mother giraffe kissing its baby. The photo is captioned April and the baby but I have seen the picture before so I know it’s not recent. I love the picture though.

I really would like to get some sleep but pain is keeping me up. I have to wait at least an hour for the strong pain pill to work. I fucking hate waiting! I want it to work now! I might put on the lidocaine gel but the pain is in my bones so I am not sure it will be effective. It’s so frustrating to be in different types of pain every single night. I wish I had a one treatment fits all but I don’t. It is so annoying to take this pill for this pain and that pill for that pain. The hardest part is that I don’t know if it is really going to work. I just take it and cross my fingers.

I emailed a friend of mine that I haven’t heard from in a while. We exchanged Easter greetings but that was it. So I started with my story about my pain and stuff and I hope she tells me about what is going on in her life. I miss our conversations.

Next week when I get paid, I am thinking of spending $100 on scratch tickets and see if I win anything. I haven’t done anything like this before but I want to do something wild. I have a favorite scratch ticket but I don’t know if they sell it anymore as I haven’t seen it in a while. I will have to check it out. I even forgot the name of it because I haven’t bought it in so long. If they don’t have the ticket I am looking for, I won’t buy it.

Meds are finally kicking in so I hope I sleep through the night. I really don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night again. I hope it doesn’t happen.

Random 999

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 999

I did a lot today and my ankle is thanking me for it. I did a lot of errands and went to lunch with my niece, who I was babysitting today. She came along for the ride to the various places I went to. I showed her the Boston skyline along the Charles River. She was in awe. We took the train in town as I needed to pick up my prescription at my PCP’s office.

I went to Walgreens twice, once to drop off and the other for pick up. I didn’t want to wait as I was hungry and wanted my burrito. I am pretty tired now. Last night I used lidocaine gel because my ankle was angry. I think I might use it again soon as it provided some relief. Not 100% but enough for me to notice. I am glad because I was running out of options with my meds and my PCP still hasn’t called in the prescription form of the xylocaine gel. I don’t know if he is going to.

The temp dropped. I came home to my room being ice cold as I had the window open and the ceiling fan running. Everything in my room was cold, including my bed. It’s getting warmed up a little now but my foot didn’t like it when it went under the covers. I should have shut the fan off but I wasn’t thinking. I shut the window as the temp is going to be the same for most of the week. Our spring days are over, least for now. It’s still a nice sunny day out though.

I was planning on making bacon this morning but my niece didn’t want it. I had already showered and felt tired so I didn’t make breakfast. I thought I would eat at Starbucks but when I got there, I wasn’t hungry. I just got my espresso and went on my way. My niece had a sip and she liked it. I will turn her into a Starbucks junkie yet!

Baseball is tonight. They are up in Toronto, playing the stupid Blue Jays. I wonder how many fans are going to be rude or disrupt play tonight. There is always something going up at the stadium. I don’t understand why people have to be stupid. I’m going to try and listen to the game. I haven’t listened all season, just been getting updates via Twitter or watching the game. I don’t know if I will be up for most of it as I am pretty tired right now.

I told my mother I wanted grilled cheese for supper. I haven’t had one in a long time. I can make it but I always end up burning one side. I can never time it right. It’s better that my mother make it. She does it really good.

I have fallen in love with April the giraffe’s baby. There was a picture of him and his father today and it was so damn cute. He got a complete check up by the vet and he is 5 feet 9 inches and 129 pounds. He is taller than I am! I have always loved giraffes. They are just so majestic to me with their long necks. When my nieces went to the zoo when they were younger and I couldn’t go because I was working, they got me a stuffed giraffe that I have by my desk in my room. I thought that was so sweet of them to get me this animal. I remember when my youngest niece was a toddler, we took her to the Rhode Island zoo, Roger Williams. Man, I was chasing her every where that day. She wanted to go her own way and didn’t want to leave for certain animals. It was a crazy day. I spent more than $80 in the gift shop that day. Nuts. Roger Williams is my favorite zoo. I love going there.