Tag: chronic pain

Made it out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Made it out

I woke up in a better mood than I have the past few days. I wasn’t in as much pain and got some restful sleep. I checked Twitter like I always do and heard that one of my favorite pitchers got traded to the Phillies. This couldn’t be true! I scrolled along but didn’t see anything but exhilaration from the Sox crowd so it must be true.

I took a shower grumpily. It kind of exhausted me but not too much that I had to stay in bed. I had enough time to catch the next bus so I rested a little bit and kept checking Twitter for the official trade notification. I still had no idea who we got. By the time I was at Starbucks, half way through my sandwich, I saw who we got in the trade and my heart sunk. My good day went away, just like that. I didn’t get my burrito. I wasn’t hungry.

I started writing in my journal until I finished my drink. Then I caught the bus to the grocery store to buy some things. I wanted my multigrain bread and I was going to get it, dammit! I also got some pumpkin stuff because there were two cans left. They seemed lonely so I brought them home, after I paid for them of course. I used my burrito money for the purchases.

The bus took forever to get there. I didn’t time the bus right as I had to wait twenty minutes in the cold weather. I had to go to the pharmacy to drop off and pick up my meds. I had just enough time to sort through the mail and take off my brace before my bowels decided to let loose. It was all hard stuff because I hadn’t gone in a week and I bled. I figured as much because I really had to push to get the stool out of my system. For a while, I thought I would have to manipulate to get it to go but it came out on its own. Sometimes when I don’t go regularly, that can happen because I don’t have the muscle tone to push things out anymore. That is because of my nerve injury. I try to go every day or every other day but taking the damn pain meds really caused havoc on my system, especially the strong pain pill. I’m just glad I finally went or tomorrow would be crap day, literally.

It was weird not having therapy today. I was able to go out earlier than I normally do. If I didn’t have to go to the grocery store, I would have stayed at Starbucks longer. I have no idea if I am going to have a flare up tonight or not. But I am glad I went out. I keep thinking it’s Wednesday but it’s not. I guess being in the throws of a flare up really threw me for a loop. I always feel like I lose a day because I have to drug myself around the clock to get relief.

I’m starting a new book today. I finished the Lawrence Block book I was reading. Actually didn’t really finish it but it wasn’t for me so I tossed it aside and took it out of my “currently reading” que. I’m going to read SE Hinton’s Taming the Star Runner. I enjoy her books. I should finish it by the end of the week as it’s not a long book. In the new year, I will read the clinical books and Dostoevsky that I am still working on. It takes a lot of concentration for Dostoevsky and I just don’t have it or the patience to read it.

I calculated how much it’s going to cost me in protein drinks for my diet. It’s going to be a little over $250. I don’t consider that bad considering I usually spend that much on junk food at Stop and Shop. I know I will cheat here and there, but as long as it’s protein and not junk food, I should be okay. I don’t think a roast beef sandwich will be bad as say a tray of Oreo cookies. I will stay away from burgers or that will defeat the purpose. Besides, other than me making the burger, I can’t really buy them. I have no McDonald’s or Burger King in my area. I will miss carbs though. That is why I bought my bread so I can make a tuna sandwich. I can have my carbs and protein all in one.

Next week when I get paid, I plan on getting new glasses. It’s through an online company called Zanni. The frames are wicked cheap but durable and the lenses are not that expensive compared to optical shops. I bought my first pair earlier this year for my progressive lenses and though they really took some getting used to, it turned out to be fine. The only thing I hate about it is that you can’t have them adjusted by the optician so they don’t fit quite right. It took some trial and error but within a month or so, I had them the way I want them. I am going to try their transition lenses next. I priced them and it was $135, which isn’t bad considering. I just need to get a pair of sunglasses. Those I will go to the optician for, only because I need them for driving and I don’t want them messed up.

A Grumpy Painful Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A grumpy painful Monday

I woke up a few times during the night. My ankle was not letting up any, so with the passing hours, I just took more pain meds. I have been in bed all day. I managed to brush my teeth when I went to the bathroom this morning. That has been the extent of my activities today. I haven’t eaten anything because I just am not hungry. I just want to be left alone and sleep. My mother called me twice. The first time I let it go to voicemail. I had to pick up the second time or she would come to my room and I didn’t want her to. She has a hard time getting up the stairs. She wanted me to have dinner but I told her I wasn’t hungry. She made dinner anyway and when it was finished, she called me. I still didn’t change my mind. The only thing I want to eat is my pumpkin cake and maybe a protein shake.

I am in a really grumpy mood because I shouldn’t be in pain. I have done everything to control the pain but I still continue to hurt. It’s not severe pain but just an annoying pain. The depression that I feel doesn’t want to make me get out of bed. I feel bad. One of my friends tried talking to me yesterday and I ignored her messages. Today she tried again and I just told her bluntly, I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I was in pain and I just wanted to hibernate. She understood. I told her when I felt up to it, I would be in contact with her again.

I need a shower. But I don’t feel like taking one. I also haven’t moved my bowels. Now we are getting to the danger zone because the last time I went was last Wednesday. I know that is partly why I have no appetite. I have been taking fiber pills but not moving around any isn’t helping either. I emailed my psych about this and haven’t heard back from her.

I wanted to do a few errands today but that didn’t happen. I still have my prescription at the pharmacy I haven’t picked up yet. I also wanted to get a burrito. Guess that will have to wait till tomorrow. I never called the dentist either and it’s too late now. I am just so wiped out from being in pain the last few days that I just don’t want to do a damn thing. I just want to keep popping pills until I get relief but that isn’t going to work. Be great if it did, but I doubt it would.

I wanted to drop off the last piece of pumpkin cake to my psychiatrist today. Now that piece is going in my belly not hers. Oh well. I will make the cake again as it is a favorite of mine. I have to place a grocery order in soon. I won’t order that much stuff because I will be dieting, starting next week. I haven’t told my mother yet but I will sometime this week. I think she won’t like it but I don’t care. I just want to see if I can do it.

a 3 am blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

a 3 am blog

It’s 0300. I just woke up a few minutes ago. I took some more pain meds to try and calm down my foot. I still have RENT songs in my head. Before I went to bed, I emailed my psychiatrist. I told her I was doing lousy and that I was constipated. I haven’t gone in quite a few days. It is really going hurt when I go. I have been taking fiber pills to make my stools softer, I hope.

I can’t believe the cake I made last week is almost gone. I have one slice left and it will be my breakfast. It came out really good. Now I got to make another cake when I see my psychiatrist because she wants a slice. I don’t mind making it again. I really love this cake.

I don’t understand why I am up at this hour. I took enough pills to kill a horse, not saying I should be dead (I didn’t take that many) but I should at least be sleeping through out the night. I wrote a long journal entry before going to sleep. It was a long time since I last wrote. I had to get my feelings out about my therapist. I didn’t cry this time. I think the more I write about it, the more I am getting comfortable with the idea of her being gone.

I also can’t help thinking of the material that I wrote to her would be great for a book or something. I wrote her some pretty awful things, both in letters (which she’ll probably keep) as well as my journal entries. I shared my journal so she could get a better understanding of me. Not that it helped much in the end. I keep thinking that I will have boxes of stuff but maybe I won’t. I don’t know what she will be giving back to me and what she will be keeping. I wrote to her a lot over the 16 years. She’ll probably keep those letters.

A Painful Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Painful Sunday

I had a decent sleep, but it didn’t matter. I still woke up in excruciating pain. I took my regular pain meds first. When the pain got worse, it was around 1100. I wasn’t going to go to the store to get my bread, despite the warm weather. I took a strong pain pill and waited. I finally drifted off two hours later.

I haven’t moved my bowels in days. And for once, I don’t care. I don’t care about anything really. I just know that I am hurting and it’s wearing me out. My mother called me around 1645 for dinner. If she didn’t cook, I wouldn’t eat. After dinner, I put some of the food away for her and placed the dishes in the sink. I thanked her for dinner and then went back to my room, where I am now. I just took some more pain pills. I know this is because of the weather. It has to be. I haven’t done a damn thing other than sleep to cause myself pain? That doesn’t sound like a good reason.

I woke up with the blankets off me again. I guess I got hot. It’s in the 50s and the heat is still on. Tomorrow it’s supposed to be in the 20s. There isn’t supposed to be any precipitation in the air. I might go to the store then. I don’t know. I need bread so I can make a damn tuna sandwich. And I want multigrain bread not wheat bread that my mother has. It all depends on how bad my pain is and how much I can ignore it to do what I want to do.

I need to fill my pill box for the week. I’ll do that after I write this blog. I got to call the dentist tomorrow and set up an appointment for my filling. I have no plans this week so there won’t be any conflicts. I won’t set it up before 0900 either. It’s too early for me and I can’t get out of bed.

It’s bothering me that this blog is changing. It used to be that I wrote about my suicidality and feelings of depression. Now it’s mostly about my chronicles with my chronic pain. I miss my suicidal writing. I just don’t feel that suicidal anymore because of that fucking hero asshole that called the cops on me a few months ago. It’s been hard to express myself since then. So I write about my pain. And it makes me sad. I know I write about other stuff like my therapy but writing about my physical pain has been nearly every day for so long now. It really has taken over my life.

My birthday is coming up this week. It will be the first without my father. I wish I still had one of his birthday cards that he wrote his full name out rather than “dad” or “daddy”. For the longest time, he just wrote his full name and then my sister got him to change it. I was so mad. I didn’t hold on to last year’s card because I thought there would be another year. Now I feel sad that I threw it away.