Tag: chronic pain

Christmas Eve 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Christmas Eve 2016

I haven’t done much of anything today. I helped my mother as best I could around the kitchen as she made stuff and I washed the dishes. I couldn’t make coffee because she was using both counter tops so I had no room to place my French press. I will make it tomorrow.

I went out to cash my scratch ticket and then went to get eggs for my mother. She yelled at me for paying $1.89 for eggs like it was coming out of her pocket. Sorry, ma, eggs aren’t 99 cents anywhere anymore. I bought three dozen. That should tie her over for a while. We go through a lot of eggs because she bakes a lot.

I ordered Chinese food. I don’t know why I bothered to buy chicken fingers. They never taste right. My mother will eat them. The General Gao was okay. I didn’t eat the scallion pancakes I bought. I wasn’t that hungry. I like them left over anyways. Now I got to decide what movie to watch. I am leaning towards Home Alone. I seriously need to dust it off though before I use the disc. That is if I don’t go back to sleep. I fricken took a two hour nap and I am wasted. I am trying not to go back to sleep but it’s hard.

I was struggling with dealing with my father’s loss this morning. I kept thinking about him. It was his last Christmas and the last time he was fairly “healthy”. He had a recurrence of his liver tumor and we were waiting to see what the treatment option would be. We had no idea that his health would downfall in the on coming months.

My ankle is hurting today but not as bad as it has been in the past. Surprisingly, just one pain pill is keeping it at bay. I hope it stays that way. I took Nyquil last night because I was coughing and was congested. I had a good sleep. I was glad. Though I still don’t know why I am so tired. I think I am going to take a nap. I will watch the movie tomorrow.

finally decided to get up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Finally decided to get up

I woke up early this morning, before 0600. I was in pain, like I am now, and took something for it. Then I checked my messages on my phone and FB. I had put on the “do not disturb” on my phone because the T kept on sending me messages last night and it was annoying me. Everything was annoying me last night. Then I had a Twitter rant and someone called my sister saying I was suicidal. WTF. I posted Pearl Jam lyrics for crying out loud! I was so pissed off.

I went back to sleep and just got up now. I didn’t want to but I had to pee. It was either use the bathroom or my bed so I chose the bathroom. I’m not doing much today. I just don’t care. I am in a rotten mood. My mother made cake last night and wrecked it so she is making another one. I had a few slices so that cheered me up some. I told her not to throw it away. She said she knows I will eat it. HEHEHE I love cake, especially yellow cake. That is what she is making for my birthday.

I am supposed to get my other protein shakes today but they haven’t been delivered yet. I can’t wait to try it. I hope it tastes good. I put off the diet for another week because I am craving ribs and want them before I diet. I also got a chicken recipe I want to try. It’s called “No Peek Chicken”. I don’t know why it’s called that. Probably because you don’t look at it while it’s cooking. It’s just a chicken and rice recipe. I hope it comes out good. I usually don’t have luck when it comes to making rice.

My mother made my favorite for supper, mac and cheese. I really wanted it. She said she was going to make Pasta Roni so I am glad she didn’t. It cheered me up some. Then she asked if I could vacuum the living and dining room. I told her I would do it tomorrow morning. I am in too much pain right now, even though I took my pain meds.

I got a Christmas card from a dear friend of mine today. That also cheered me up some because she always gets the right card to say what I mean to her. Years ago, there used to be a card company called Blue Mountain that had sentimental cards. I always picked one that was just right. They no longer sell it in drug stores. I think it’s just at Hallmark stores, which are one in a few around here. I haven’t been to a mall in years. I don’t like shopping much and what I need, I can get online. I found it funny that Walgreens sent me a special for my birthday. I had to spend at least $1 to get 50 points for their rewards program. Forget it. I do miss shopping at Target though.

Even though I slept most of the day, I am really tired. I think being in pain just wears you out. I wanted to go to Starbucks today but never found the energy to go. Another friend of mine who I told about the socks bothering me, was asking what kind of sock I wear. They have been the same kind of socks for the past several months. It’s only just recently that taking them off is bothering me. And it’s sometimes, not all the time. I will answer her email later. We write nearly every other day or every few days. She lives south of Boston and we have seen each other a few times via the commuter rail. She has since moved to another area so I am not sure we will be seeing each other as she isn’t close to the rail line anymore. She is a good friend.

It’s been a whole week that I haven’t had therapy. Next week my therapist is on vacation. So is my psychiatrist. I can email my psych if I need to. I won’t be having any contact with my therapist, not for the next two weeks anyways. It is strange not having anyone to talk to in that capacity after all this time. It’s the longest break we have had in some time.

wired as the pain comes back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wired as the pain comes back

I felt crappy this morning. Ankle was hurting so I took some pills. I waited till my mother left the house so the house would be mine and quiet as I made breakfast once the pain settled down. She left and so did my pain a few minutes later. I made my breakfast and was feeling pretty good that I was somewhat pain free.

I came back to my room and I had just enough time to catch the next bus to the Square to get espresso. I made it and had six shots of espresso. I got loaded off caffeine. Four shots weren’t doing it so I added two more. That did it and my heart was racing. It felt pretty good. I went to Walgreens on the way home to pick up my meds and avoided the ramp that usually hurts my ankle. Didn’t matter though. My ankle decided it was going to start up again. Meds had apparently wore off by this point.

I came back to my room and got undressed. I took off my sock as carefully as I could and it didn’t matter. My fucking foot exploded. Dammit! My bladder said it had to go so I had to go downstairs. Fuck. I went to the bathroom and washed my hands. I kind of always do after using public transportation to avoid getting sick. My mother made spinach and I had some then told my mother I was going to be in a drug haze as my foot flared up again. She wanted me to call the doctor and I said yeah, whatever. My foot is becoming more sensitive and I know no doctor can tell me why. Just the way the pain syndrome goes I guess. I didn’t have any injury to my foot, not recently anyways. There is no bruising or discoloration. It just hurts like a SOB for no goddamn reason. I have thermal socks on now because my feet were cold after taking off my regular socks. My mother said that I should have left my socks on. I hate wearing socks that I wear out in the house. It just goes against my grain.

Now my bowels are screaming at me so I will have to go back downstairs again soon. I’m not surprised given the amount of caffeine I had. I hope I am productive with this amount of caffeination. But I know my strong pain pill will damper my wired self down a few notches. I was writing in my journal that I wanted to take my laptop to Starbucks tomorrow to write some thing from the Daily Word Prompts from WordPress. I have a whole bunch of them that I have saved. I think it would be better to write on the laptop than writing in a notebook and then typing up what I wrote. Just is more work for me, but sometimes, handwriting is better because there is free flow. I don’t know how I am going to feel tomorrow so it is on the back burner for now.

More Reflections about Therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

More reflections about therapy

I started a Twitter rant and before I knew it, I was crying as I thinking about how my therapist of 15 years is suddenly realizing, now, that she isn’t the one for me. I feel that I am the blame for this though I don’t know how exactly I am. I just feel that if I kept that transference blog to myself instead of sharing it, things wouldn’t be like this.

I had thought about what I was going to do with therapy. I figure I would give her a symptom of something of PTSD nature that we could work on and sort out. But now that has gone to crap as we are breaking up. I don’t know if there are any resolutions to us staying together. It is really sad that in her bag of tricks she has run out of things to help me, even though I have offered her many over the years of working together.

From the start, I always thought of treatment plans to help us get going and she was amenable to these ideas. I never thought that she would depend on me so much. I honestly have no idea when we stopped being client and professional to being something along the lines of being “friends”. We care for one another deeply, there is no denying that. But I think we got too close for comfort and that is what is destroying the therapeutic relationship.

I still can’t understand why she cannot take time out of her schedule to become a CAMS trained therapist. Maybe she thinks it will cost too much or that it will take too long. I don’t know. She never said why. All she has said was that she is not a “suicidologist”. You don’t have to be one to get trained. Maybe this pressure is what is tearing us apart. My suicidality is too tough for her to handle anymore. Maybe she is just burned out like any therapist would be with chronic suicidality. I don’t know. I just know that you can’t “expect different results with the same experiments”. Or something like that. It’s by Albert Einstein. I wrote it in one of the book I read on suicidality. Much good my book did for her.

I keep thinking where did I go wrong. I just don’t know. I just know that I was tired of her anxiety interfering with our therapy. Even when we were talking about my PTSD she was anxious and she didn’t even know it. I had to bring it up. What the hell is that about? I’m a sensitive person so I pick up others emotions pretty quick. In my household growing up, you had to or you got smacked. I’m not saying my therapist is abusive in anyway. Not at all. But she definitely has issues that are not my issues to control. I am just a patient in her care. Not for that much longer.

It hurts like hell that after 16 years in January (that is our anniversary month), we will be saying good-bye. We haven’t discussed formal termination. We are just on a break right now. I wanted to talk to her today or tomorrow but I am being a stubborn fuck and not going to call her. I can manage on my own without her. Hell I have done it before, I will do so again. I know I need a therapist that handles PTSD symptoms and other stuff. I won’t say suicide because that freaks therapists out and I won’t be able to get a therapist if I tell them I am suicidal or have a suicidal history. It’s just the way the therapist world works. The care you need the most is not given due to fear. And I have scared the shit out of my therapist so many times she is having anxiety attacks over it.

I also need a collaborative therapist that won’t be up my ass about their treatment style is the best in the world for me. Horseshit. I don’t work that way. Either we work together or see ya later. I don’t know if I can trust someone just out of the gate again. It took at least five years of working together before I was able to let my guard down with her. I can’t imagine how long it will be for another therapist. That is, if I decide to see a new one. I haven’t completely decided to go ahead with someone new. My therapist has a few names for me, which I will take but I doubt they will work out. I’m just a high risk suicidal case with PTSD out of control with chronic pain that makes it difficult to work through. I am anything but “easy”.