Tag: chronic pain

a painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Woke up today in pain. It should have been a sign not to go out today but it was such a beautiful day out I decided to go out anyways. I got my coffee at Starbucks, my West Java which tastes like a little chocolate coffee. I started journaling but got bored so decided to write a letter to my therapist about how I feel about our last few sessions.

I feel like she has been blowing me off when I tell her I am suicidal. The most she can say is go into the hospital instead of trying to work through it. And that just pisses me off because the hospital is NOT the fucking answer to being suicidal. She doesn’t use the pain scales or even use the SSF’s when I get suicidal anymore. I think I am barking up the wrong tree. I don’t even know if she is taking me seriously anymore. I have not thought how I would kill myself but I just know that I want to die. I am trying to write this all down but my head is still half asleep because I took a pain pill before leaving the house and it makes it hard to concentrate. And the music today in Starbucks was a little louder than it normally is so I was being distracted very easily and could not focus on what I wanted to write. So I texted her that I wanted a check in, not to tell her all this, but just to tell her I am having a hard time. I hope she calls me but then we have an early appointment tomorrow so she may not.

On my way home, a three wheeled stroller got on the bus next to me. On my way off, my bad ankle couldn’t clear the wheels and I sort of tripped. Just fucking great. I now am in really bad pain and I have a golfball swelling on my ankle bone. I just iced it, took another pain pill, and put on the compound mixture of different meds to try and get it to calm down. So far, the pain is down a notch but that is all. I am screwed. I know tomorrow I am not going out as I need to rest it. All because I wanted to get a coffee at my favorite coffee house.

Today I finally learned how to print a PDF from my new laptop. I really didn’t want to have to switch laptops to get it printed. But control P works! The article I printed was about CAMS, Collaborating Assessment and Managing Suicide. It was a nice article that summarized the breakdown of how it evolved and where it stands now. I love this idea and I wish my therapist would open her pea brained mind just a little bit to let this in but noooo. I don’t want her to become a suicidologist, just to open her mind a little about the current trends out there that might be helpful to me. Is that too much to fucking ask??

My safety is kind of in question at the moment. I really want to slice open my ankle to let the swelling out but I don’t think I will get anything more than just blood. I would have to cut pretty deep to get to the root of the swelling and cutting deep would mean stitches. If that happens, I am liable to end up in the hospital. I don’t want that. I just want the swelling and pain to go down. Ice has not helped. I get to ice it again in an hour or two. I know part of the reason it hurts is because it is swollen. There is not much space for swelling to happen down there and it hurts when there is fluid build up. I was hoping that compound might shrink the tissues but it does the opposite with one of the ingredients. It brings blood to the surface to absorb the stuff. I can’t tell if it helps. I only have used it twice so far.

No ball game tonight so I will be bored. Maybe I can get some reading done. I have not been so great at that. Facebook games have been distracting me. But seeing as I will be laid up for a while until the swelling in my ankle goes down, I think reading will be good, as I got like a 1,000 page book to read. It is called Team of Rivals and is about how four people became the republican nomination for presidency in 1860, and also about Lincoln and the war. I have not ventured too far in the book but I am making headway as I am at page 150. It is easy reading though I cannot read too long because then my eyes do a weird thing that makes things double. I feel like I could use another cup of coffee. I am so tired but I don’t feel like going downstairs to get it. It will put too much of a strain on my ankle.

still depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

Had a productive day today. I worked on a paper and feel ok with it. My printer cooperated with printing it out so I can go over it for typos not picked up by spell-check (e.g., fro instead of for). I also added a little bit to it so I felt it was a complete paper.

Other than that I have been feeling off. I feel really sleepy since I woke up early in pain and then didn’t go back to sleep with the pain meds. The temperature has dropped so I am again hurting.

My therapist is back today. I was hoping for a time to talk with her but doesn’t look likely that she has an opening for today. I talk with her tomorrow. We have lots to talk about as I had some bad dreams last night about the bombings. I kept seeing the images of the shootout and the bomb going off at the finish line. I just couldn’t get the images out of my head. I guess that is why I woke up so early. Today we were supposed to have a minute of silence at 14:50 but I forgot to set my alarm so missed it. I hope that everyone affected ends up being ok. I still am on guard. Yesterday I saw a hummer and couldn’t help but think that there were armed guards inside. That is the type of week I have been going through, I am afraid to leave my house and go out. I haven’t been out since last night, to go for dinner with my family to celebrate my niece’s birthday.

I also have been afraid to leave the house because I don’t want to upset my ankle. I cannot believe that I still have tendonitis in it. I just want to scream.

This week is the annual conference for the American Association of Suicidology. I so wanted to go but didn’t have the financial means of getting there. I didn’t have a good experience last time I was there so it kind of foreboded me going this year. I hope to attend next year’s but I don’t think I will be able to as it is in California. I can’t wait for the conference to be back in Boston. I think it might be the year after this one, in 2015. Least I am hoping it will be.

I started reading a new book called the Team of Rivals. Part of the book is the base for the movie Lincoln. I had to buy it because I am such a Lincoln fanatic. I have a good library going on Lincoln. He is one of my favorite presidents.

Mood wise I have not been so great. Partly because of what happened last week and partly because I just was down, even though my Red Sox were doing good. I just feel out of sorts. I wish I could say my appetite has suffered but it hasn’t. Not that I am eating more, just not the right foods. I have been eating more junk food because I say why bother. I got to get back to my cereal diet. I need to lose at least fifteen to twenty pounds. That is my goal but it is so hard it depresses me. I then fall into the cycle and it just hurts. What is more depressing is that every time I see my PCP he brings my weight up. I can’t stand it and I am embarrassed by it. I hate being this heavy and I wish I had the will power to not eat junk food but when you don’t care for living, why care what you are eating?

suspects and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

The manhunt for the bombers of the Boston Marathon is over. I should be sleeping but I can’t stay off my twitter feed for updates on the suspect’s condition. He has been bleeding since very early yesterday morning when his brother got killed in the first shootout with the police. I have never had this happen to my city. I am not sure if what I am feeling is normal or I am going crazy. I have been crying, angry, irritable, and at times just sad. Four people have lost their lives because of these assholes. 176 people were injured so severely they lost their legs. Some are still in the hospital in critical condition.

I am afraid to go to sleep. I am afraid I will have dreams about the bombing and what I saw today on the news. Hearing the gunshots in the second shoot out is still running through my head though I was not there. I just heard it on the news, over and over. It was “exclusive news coverage” because channel 7 had it and no other station did. I understand that 4,5,6,and 7 were covering the story from 22:30 last night until 21:30 tonight. They were really doing a good job of repeating themselves over and over because they had nothing new to report and they had to stay on top of the scene in case something did develop. I seen the mess they made on Cambridge street in Cambridge where the suspects lived and investigators found more bombs. I know I can rest easy because they are caught and I don’t have to worry about more bombs going off but I can’t seem to calm down enough to relax enough to sleep. I just am so hyped up. I am listening to my favorite country artist Mary Chapin Carpenter. She has such a soothing voice. But not even her voice tonight is helping me sleep.

I know the other reason I cannot sleep is because my left foot is acting up again. It is in the throws of a heated state. It feels like it is on fire and I can’t get it to calm down. I have tried everything I know and still it does not work. And it is wicked painful so I can’t stand on it.

It is hot in my room. 75 degrees. I have the ceiling fan going to cool down the room and see if that help my on fire foot. I hate it when my foot keeps me up. I start thinking of ending my life again. I figure why bother if every night I am going to be in pain. But the sad part is that my days are always better than my nights. During the day, I am hardly in any pain. Unless I stand too long or walk too much. Anything that will activate the tendonitis in my ankle will cause me pain. It sometimes can be the irritation caused by my sneakers. Pathetic I know.

How will I kill myself…many thoughts have run through my head about this. I sometimes think about it and then I am ok and won’t actually think to go through with it. The latest is throwing myself over my hall bannister with a rope around my neck but I am wicked afraid that the bannister won’t hold my weight and I will go crashing to the floor. That will not be good. The other idea I have to throw myself off the back of my porch but I am afraid that my nieces will find me and that is too scary for them. I have thought about pills but I would need a hotel room and I just can’t afford one right now.

just feeling sad

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

Been feeling a lot of emotions the past few days. I can’t help wondering if maybe some medication at this point will help as I am crying for the incoming support because I am happy and then cry when I hear about the poor mother whose daughter was misidentified and now has to mourn her daughter. I am crying for the eight year old who just wanted peace in the world and his mother and sister who are still critically injured. I am crying as I write this. I just can’t help it. Nothing like this has ever happened in my city before. I feel like it is 9-11 all over again. But the support from my Boys, The Boston Red Sox, has been tremendous. They will be going on the field tonight with black armbands. The Yankees, our hated rivals, will be holding a moment of silence and then playing our song Sweet Caroline in the middle of the 3rd tonight. I couldn’t believe they did that. But I guess in tragedy we all come together and it is such a powerful feeling.

Today I had to take the T, our public transportation system because I had a doctor’s appt. At every Boston T stop, there were National Guardsmen and T Police everywhere. It was good to have their presence there but I couldn’t help but feel a little freaked out when a State trooper and two police officers swept the trolley car I was on.

My appointment did and didn’t go so well. I wasn’t happy that after all the resting that I have been doing, I still have tendonitis in my ankle, probably nerve related. I also have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, which basically means I am fucked. My doc gave me some options but I think I am going to stay the course with oral meds. I am considering a lidocaine infusion but I want to read up on them before going through with it. I need the hard facts before I can invest something like that. I don’t want the infusion to numb me out and then when it wears off cause me mega pain. I don’t know how my PCP is going to take this. There is nothing more they can do. I am at my wits end on how to handle this. My first thoughts were to kill myself. I truly think that is going to be an option if I don’t have any pain relief. I just can’t imagine going on and on like this. I can’t work. I can’t walk. WTF am I going to do?