Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

chugging along

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Chugging along

I had about 3 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours. I probably would have slept for four hours but my PCP’s office called me around 0930 and woke me up. My scripts would be ready later this afternoon. I brushed my teeth and washed up. My ankle was screaming so I took some pills. It’s been the same pain going on 12 hours now. I got to Starbucks. I ordered a turkey bacon sandwich and 6 shots espresso over ice. I needed it. After I finished the sandwich, I was still hungry, so I bought another one. I didn’t care. I was hungry.

I wrote in my journal until I finished my espresso. Then I left to go to my appointment and my PCP’s office. On envelope was my name and UTox. I thought there would be a requisition inside but there wasn’t and I wasn’t handed a cup so I just left and didn’t say anything. I didn’t have to pee anyway. I was early for my psych appt. I waited in the hallway to write a little bit before going to her office to check in.

She was only a few minutes late, much to my surprise. My ankle was still smarting and the espresso was starting to wear off. She said that the possible cause of the music in my head is a rare form of migraine activity. I forget the exact words she used and I couldn’t spell it even if she said it 10 times. Just another fucking thing to live with.

I didn’t discuss my suicidal thoughts with her. I just kept things low key. Somehow we got on the subject of country music. I told her I was a big fan. She told me that she heard Garth Brooks on the radio talking about his new album that is due out soon. He just finished producing it. I told her I have almost all of his CDs, except his new one Man against Machine. I am looking forward to his new album as his new single I like.

She gave me my script for Ativan and we made an appt for two weeks. She still wants me to be in touch with her in the mean time. I always am. The rain was coming down harder than it was. I was glad I brought my umbrella. I usually don’t carry one but I did today because the forecast said no wind. If there is wind, I don’t use an umbrella because you are just going to get wet anyways. I made the bus home. My mother called me asking where I was. I told her I was on my way home.

I had some crackers and cheese for dinner. I don’t feel like eating anything else right now, though I am wanting some Chinese food. I am having a craving for crab Rangoon. I don’t think I can go up and down the stairs so it might be for lunch tomorrow. Unless I get really hungry later on. I plan on taking out the ground beef to thaw out tomorrow so I can make the gravy Sunday. That will be a good meal. It will all depend on if my pain levels go down. They are murderous right now. I can barely move my ankle/foot without severe pain. Having CRPS sucks so bad. My psych did agree that I have it, though she doesn’t really know what the treatment is for it. I have tried a lot of treatment for it but the pain meds seem to work the best, usually. I wish I could have long acting meds because then I wouldn’t have to take my meds around the clock or every few hours. Just sucks.

night out with friends

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Night out with friends

My friends and I went out to dinner tonight. We had fun. After dinner, they drove us to the train station so we didn’t have to rely on the commuter rail. I got to the Square just in time to catch the 2130 bus. The train was going super fast, faster than it normally does. I didn’t care because it allowed me to catch the bus home. I had to hoof it up the escalator, which my foot did not like, but I made it.

My PCP’s office called me around noon. I was still snoozing so I just let it go to voicemail as I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I went downstairs and brushed my teeth. When I came back to my room, I called them back. I spoke to the nurse and she was asking me how I take my strong pain pill. Doc finally realized I was coming in nearly every two weeks for refills, which is what I told him my last appointment with him. Knucklehead finally realized I wasn’t lying. He wanted to increase my count so that I could fill both the strong pain pill and my regular one at the same time and just come in once a month. I was hoping to get a call later this afternoon but I didn’t. I will be near my PCP’s office tomorrow as I am meeting with my psych. I hope they can have the scripts ready for me. I will call when I get up in the morning.

I came home and my room was hot because the AC had been off for hours. I took my meds but I know I am not going to sleep anytime soon. One, I am in pain, and two it’s going to take me some time to wind down. Every time I take my night meds late I am always up. But I can’t risk taking them while out because they can cause me to be drowsy. Plus I had a glass of wine with dinner, which wouldn’t be good. I was feeling good with the alcohol but now I am just wiped out.

Trash barrels were out which reminded me that I didn’t empty my recycles like I wanted to. I’ll have to do it tomorrow night or Saturday. I just looked at my knee and there is a white patch on it. Wonderful. Now I have eczema on my knee. Good thing I have a huge bottle of eczema lotion that I bought for under my eyes. Seems I am getting it in more and more places as I get older. Sucks.

being in pain and voting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Being in pain and voting

I woke up in the middle of the night again in pain so that disrupted my sleep. I slept most of the morning, only getting up once to pee and then have some of my dessert for breakfast. I didn’t make coffee and I didn’t go out. I was supposed to as my mother needed some things at Walgreens but she had my sister go instead. She called me around 1400 asking why I was still in bed and when I told her I was in pain, she asked if I took anything. No, I am just withering in pain, thanks. Course I took something. She doesn’t think sometimes, I swear.

She made dinner and afterwards, I was putting the mashed potatoes away. I wasn’t on my feet for more than 10 minutes. Now my ankle is hurting like I have been on it all damn day. I can’t win.

In between sleeping stints, I have been voting for my shortstop on my Sox team, Xander Bogaerts. I really would love for him to play in the All Star Game next week. Last year, I did the same but he didn’t make it. It would make watching the game worthwhile.

Despite sleeping most of the day, I am still tired. Chronic pain just sucks. It takes so much energy fighting and dealing with it. I’m at the end of my rope with it most days. This is the 3rd day in a row that I have had severe pain. Tomorrow I am supposed to meet up with some friends for dinner. I hope I am able to go. If I do go, I will be sure to take some pain meds with me so I don’t suffer.

I bought a new Bluetooth headset. Thing isn’t connecting to my phone. I emailed the support and told them. They said does the light stay on while searching. It doesn’t. I tried several different ways but my phone won’t recognize the device. I am bummed. Least I will have it when I upgrade to a new model. I have been thinking of doing so but my phone still works good and has no problems. It does what I want it to do. The only thing I hate is the constant app updates. I had to stop the automatic downloads because it happened every single day. I’d be using the app and it would stop because it was updating. So annoying.

I guess I need to take a shower tonight. My ankle isn’t going to like that at all. But it’s been a few days since I last took one. I like to keep it to a two day minimum, especially during the hot summer days. I have kept the AC off for most of the day because today has been cool and less muggy. I hope tomorrow is the same. Friday I see my psych. It will be good to see her.

having a rough day so listening to Taylor

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Having a rough day so listening to Taylor

I only got about 4 hours sleep. I was up all night and didn’t go to sleep until 0600. I didn’t think I was going to get to sleep but I took an Ativan and slept a little bit. I made coffee and finished Huck Finn. My sister made a burger on the grill and I am having a beer. I love Sam Adams Summer Ale. I still need to go to the liquor store to see if they have Zima. That is my all time favorite drink. But it’s only limited edition so once it is gone, it is gone.

After I had the burger, the pain in my ankle came back. I took some pain meds. I don’t care that I am drinking a beer with it. One beer isn’t going to hurt me. I’m hoping it will make me sleep for a bit. I am really tired. It has been a long while since I was up all night. I had emailed my psych but haven’t had a response. I really don’t know what I wrote other than I was fed up with my condition and I didn’t want to go in the hospital unless they would amputate my ankle.

It’s another hot day but I don’t care. My sister wanted me to help her with the lawn stuff. HA, No fucking way. I am just glad she got the grill up and running. I miss having BBQ food. There is a chicken kabob recipe I got on Facebook that I want to try. She needs to show me how to work the grill though as I really have no clue.

I was going to change my sheets today but that isn’t going to happen. I am much too tired to attempt such an ordeal. I’ll attempt the task tomorrow. I still need to bring down my recycles. I have two bins now full. I’ll take them down tomorrow as Thursday is trash day, least I think it will be. I’m not sure because today is a holiday.

Can’t believe I am still hurting and I haven’t done a thing for the past half hour. I am starting to feel a little drunk. Doesn’t take much to get a buzz off alcohol these days. I am almost done with my beer. I was hoping it would tone down the pain but I guess not. I am so depressed about it. Seems like nothing helps this pain and I am just forced to live with it. What kind of life is that? Not one that I want to live through. I much rather be dead. But I am a coward. I have a plan and yet I am scared to execute it. I don’t know if I will succeed this time or if I will be saved because I will be in a public space. But it is where I want to die. I hope one of these days I get the guts and go through with it. My only other fear is that it will be too far to walk to. I don’t know. I just know I don’t want to exist anymore.