Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Still hurting after a good day

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Still hurting after a good day

I have spent the day mostly in bed. I slept on and off. Only time I was up was to take my pain medication and then nod back off. I finally decided to get up around four. Luckily, the ball game was just starting. My mother made dinner and I had a chicken cutlet sandwich.

My leg is really hurting me now. To move my ankle/foot is torture. I seem to be pulling on the tendon and it doesn’t like it at all. I am back in my room, listening to the game. I couldn’t take watching the game anymore because the announcers on NESN, though I do love them, kept on talking about stuff not about the game. They were talking about baseball but not the game and I hate that.

I am supposed to go out tomorrow, early, to have coffee with a friend. I am stressing about it because I don’t know if 1) I will be able to wake up that early and 2) I have an appointment with my pdoc. I know I am going to be totally wiped out by tomorrow afternoon and I still have to pick up my niece in the middle of the afternoon. It is going to be a long day!

Ramblings 69

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I was so exhausted yesterday I didn’t write a blog. I was tired and tearful. Little things would make me cry and then I couldn’t stop. Very unusual for me.

I had a rough day today. My mother woke me up at around 0730 because the microwave was broken and she accused me of breaking it. We got into an argument so I couldn’t settle down and go to sleep. After 0830, I called the company to find out what “F3” meant and got no where. So I had to go on the website to find out the keypad was toast. F3 meant it shorted out. It probably happened the other day when the power went out and then something happened this morning to finally make it bust. So when I called my mother and explain she was all upset. Sorry, we need a new microwave.

After the finagling of phone calls and computer work, I took shaved and took a shower. Got dressed and went to the bus stop wicked early. About ten minutes while waiting my phone rings and it was a private number. Thinking it was my father, I picked up. It was my pdoc saying she had to cancel due to an emergency and could I reschedule for Monday. Fine. I left the bus stop, went home and had a cup of coffee.

After the coffee, I was trying to take a nap. HAHA yea right. My sister called and told me my father is not doing well and could I go over his house to bring him some Ensure as he hasn’t been eating. I then asked what to do with my niece as I was supposed to pick her up later in the afternoon. I called her sister and she was able to pick her up so I could see my father. He looked awful. He needs fluids but doesn’t want to go to the hospital because it is Friday. UGH!!!! So he rather stay feeling horrible than be treated. His choice. I can’t change his mind. But I do make sure he drinks an Ensure before I leave. At least he has some nutrition in him for the day.

I come home and I am starving. I had eggs this morning but no lunch and now it’s getting close to dinner time. Microwaving something is out so I get a half pizza for myself and mother as a whole one would be too much.

I get home, eat and check on my “kids”. My youngest niece is sleeping and the older one made cupcakes. On a hot day! My leg is now killing me from walking around the world today. It was really bad last night and almost had a PTSD panic attack. But I took some Ativan and went to sleep. This leg pain is really bringing me down. I know it’s just whatever is wrong with my leg/foot/ankle but when it acts up, I get freaked out thinking I am getting CES again because I can’t move my toes. I can’t move my toes because of pain and swelling. I am resting now so hopefully I don’t have to go down the stairs again tonight. I really just want to chill on my bed and read a book or something. The less I stay on my feet the better.

My stats for everything, book sales, blog, and Kindle all suck right now. No one is buying my book. No one is reading my blog. I got 10 people yesterday, today was 9. I am so depressed. I usually get at least 20 hits per day and I just am not getting it anymore. I know I haven’t been writing as much and my writing is not as dark. I should be happy with the few people that actually read my blog and I am. I just want to get to 25K before the end of the month and that is not going to happen if my numbers don’t start improving.

So that has been my day. And I still have not had a nap. My Sox aren’t on until after 2200. I hate west coast games. The Sox are playing the number one team in the AL right now. We lost last night. Probably going to lose again tonight but we’ll see.

troubles

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I am having a hard time tonight. It started with some panic attacks about my nerve condition. I had to talk to someone about it as I was getting really nervous but didn’t want to go to the ER. One of my friends from the support group gave me her number and we talk for a few hours. We exchanged stories and the like. It was good talking to her because she knew what I was talking about and that made me feel better.

I still haven’t had a chance to fall asleep. I am still in a lot of pain and it is keeping me up. I have my little sound machine on so that it calms my thoughts. I took two ativan and it still hasn’t knocked me out yet. I feel calmer, just not sleepy.

What set me off tonight was my bladder not functioning the way that it should. All day, I have had some hesitancy that has me worried. It could be because of my pain medication or my bladder getting worse, but as I have had back pain over the last few days, I am hoping it is not disc related. I see my PCP next Tuesday and that is a long time to wait to see him when you are anxious. I hope the symptoms resolve by the time I see him. I know what to do if things get worse but I rather not think about it. I hate having MRI’s done. I will need an IV for contrast so I will need to be hydrated so the nurse/technician can find a good vein. I just am really scared and my friend calm me down some. I know I will be better by morning, if i ever get to sleep. I am very tired but just not sleepy. I hate that.

I thought I would write because sometimes writing helps to put me at ease and help me to fall asleep. I just hope that I am not getting CES x 3. I will be very devastated if this happens, especially when I know I didn’t do anything. I have not lifted anything heavy. I have not picked up anything that might twerk my back or slipped or fallen. The only reason my back could be hurting is the change in temperature. And the pain has gone away. I am just left with my regular stupid ass leg/ankle/foot pain. And tonight it does not want to calm down. Course I took my meds a little later than usual. I was watching the Sox game so time escaped from me. I should have taken them when I came home from my cousin’s house. That would have helped some because I know it was going to flare up tonight.

I feel like I am going crazy. I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know what was going on. I usually don’t get panic attacks like I did tonight. I am usually able to handle them better but tonight I just couldn’t deal. My defenses were down for some reason and I just couldn’t cope. It was really difficult asking for help but I am glad I did reach out and someone answered after midnight. It is now 0400. I am going to try and sleep now. Just hope I don’t dream of being back in the psych ward again. That dream totally freaked me out. I was dreaming of ending my life and got very upset that I couldn’t have the pills to end my life. I woke up wrecked. It has been a bad day for me emotionally and physically. No wonder I needed to talk to someone. I am so glad I have therapy tomorrow. I am also going to see if the Bozo has time Thursday. I am supposed to go to the Sox game but maybe she has an afternoon time before the game. I don’t know. I hate feeling vulnerable. PTSD makes you feel that way.

Chronicles continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

Chronicles continue

Although I had a good sleep, I still woke up with the same back pain. I really couldn’t do much today so I got my foam wedge and back supporter out. I put my feet up while lying on my back with the back supporter supporting my back. It was a homemade hospital bed. I was comfy and so took my pain meds with some Ativan and went back to sleep.

Now I have been up the last few hours and still a in pain. I don’t understand how this can be. Usually my pain is knocked out and I am fine because I am resting. Guess I really did something but I don’t know what. I haven’t lifted anything heavy or made some sudden move. I just know that I am hurting and I am getting worried the longer it lasts.

I would be listening to the game right now but I just heard through twitter that it’s 4-1 Tigers. Pedey hit a HR. Now if they can just have him in the lineup another four more times with Scherzer pitching to make it 5-4 I will be happy. But my luck, the next time Pedey is at bat, he will strike out. My Sox are sucking so bad right now. I know it was to be expected, but I really didn’t think it would be WORSE than the 2012 team. Well, they are not that bad, YET. And the problems are everywhere from the batters to the starting pitchers. I won’t talk about the fielding errors because there are young players in those positions so of course there are going to be errors. But the bats have been silent for the most part and the magic they had last year seems to have dissipated.

I really didn’t do anything today except sleep for most of the day. It’s kind of hard to do stuff when you are in pain. I didn’t read anything, yet today but I think I will later this evening. I finally am getting into “Far from the tree” by Andrew Solomon. It is a very interesting book. The next chapter is called “downs”, which I am guess has to do with Downs syndrome. I can’t wait to read it. I think people with Downs Syndrome are the most beautiful people in the world. They are just so cute. I know they have difficult lives and the syndrome varies but the characteristics of these people are to me fascinating. I had a coworker whose niece has downs. She is very beautiful, smart, and funny. I have never met her, but I get this from my friend. So I am really looking forward to reading this chapter.

You would think that because my back is hurting me, my leg pain that I have chronically, would settle down some. NOPE. It has not eased up at all. I am so sick of being in pain all the time. I can’t imagine living my life like this anymore. I have to call on Monday to get it refilled. I hope they don’t give me a hard time. I didn’t think I would run out because I really haven’t had too many flare ups over the last few months. SURPRISE! I had three flare ups, not including this back pain episode. And besides, my appointment was longer than the 28 days so I had no choice but to ask for a refill. I would have run out anyways. And all of this pain most likely has to do with the temperature going up and down twenty degrees. I HATE this time of year as mother nature is trying to decide what temperature she is going to be. It KILLS me, or more accurately, it PAINS me. I just can’t stand being in this much pain.