Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

spoon shortage

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Spoon shortage

Earlier this week, my mother asked me where our big spoons were. I said I didn’t know, maybe the dishwasher ate them. She wasn’t amused.

It got me thinking about how much I need spoons lately. Just for me to shower and go to the store took more spoons than I realized. Spoons, for those that don’t know or are new to my blog, is a metaphor for energy based on a blog I read years ago. I have posted it here so you can try and understand what I am talking about.

I am in a lot of pain right now. I think I am done for the day and that is too bad because I wanted to see my Australian friend today. He said we would meet up sometime in the afternoon but I still haven’t heard from him. Maybe he is out of spoons, too. He was in a car accident the other day and has whiplash. He was hurting pretty good. Whiplash sucks. I experienced it once and never want to again. Tonight is also my nephew’s birthday party. I don’t know if I will be making an appearance or not. Depends if I can get this pain that I am feeling under control or not.

It sucks being in chronic pain. I haven’t had a break all week. Today was going to be a rest day but I had to shower and then go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I also wanted chocolate. So after my shower, I got dressed and went to the pharmacy. I also did some shopping as my mother wanted pudding. My protein bars were on sale so I grabbed some of those as well. I got home and my mother flipped out on the “junk” I bought. I didn’t say anything to her. I swear sometimes she thinks I uses HER money to buy MY stuff. I don’t. If I want to use my money to buy “junk”, then so be it. Least I didn’t order food like I wanted to. I have been craving Pad Thai but I am doing good and not buying it. I still have to go to the meat market and get my burgers. I also need to learn how to cut up an avocado so I can have it on my burger. I love avocados.

I was feeling some more of the self hate again today. I saw a shadow of me and one of things on my chest and I got really sad. I so want to be flat chested. It’s very distressing to me and I can’t talk to anyone about it. I don’t think I can even talk to my therapist about it because then she wants to “fix” the problem and have me see the people at the gay clinic. I just can’t be bothered with it. I just rather die than deal with it. Even if I could grow facial hair, I still will have breasts. And I doubt testosterone fixes that. It’s really hard for me to talk about. It’s just another thing about self-image that I cannot tolerate. My therapist says I don’t see myself, that the image is not what it is. She is right. I don’t see myself as a man and never will as long as things are the way they are. She just doesn’t get how much it hurts me to the point of wanting to take my life. And if I ever have the opportunity to take it, you know that damn well I will take it.

Power is out

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

Power is out

Our power has been out for the past half hour. I decided to write a blog as I won’t be getting distracted with the internet while I type.

I still can’t walk. I picked up my niece, relatively pain free, until I came home. Then my leg had a fit and I have been walking with a cane since. I can barely stand on my own. Any weight that I bear on my left leg sends it to spasms. I don’t know what I am going to do. I can’t stay in my room all day. My older niece is watching the younger one right now.

My prescription at Walgreens is ready to be picked up. I guess I can try tomorrow and see if I can walk there. I could do that now but I barely made it up the stairs to my room and I really don’t feel like going down two flights of stairs and then walking a few blocks to Walgreens today. It will kill me. I need to rest as I am out of “spoons”.

My room is getting stuffy but it’s cooler than the rest of the house because I had the AC on. I am hoping it comes back soon. Today is the first really hot day in a long time so I bet a transformer or something blew as the neighborhood is out. I just hope it gets fixed soon. I can’t take the heat or humidity. It just sucks. I thought about going to Starbucks to get my coffee but again, I won’t be able to walk there, not with this amount of pain that I am in.

It really sucks not having the internet. Hopefully this blog gets posted today. I guess that is an advantage of having a battery operated laptop. You can still use Word to get stuff done. I could edit my short story but without light in my room, that is difficult. I have the window blocked for all light because it hurts my eyes and I hate sleeping with light in my room during the day. I never know how I am going to sleep so it’s good that my room is dark.

Just had therapy. We talked more about my PTSD symptoms and medicating myself than anything. I feel guilty taking my pain meds but if I am dissociating like she says I am, I am obviously in a lot more pain than I realize. She said that it was okay for me to take my pain meds and that helped a little. She also said that I should use my stronger pain med to try and break the pain cycle. She is just looking out for my psychological interests because she knows if I start feeling trapped because of my pain, I will have a suicidal episode that no amount of medication is going to help me. Unless I overdose or something. She is trying to keep me as sane as possible. But I still am having anxiety about getting CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome, again. If I was still having the back pain I was having a few weeks ago, I would be in the ER so fast. But I am not. I just can’t bear any weight on my left leg and I don’t know why. I know it is because it is swollen and tender. But there is no apparent injury. I didn’t fall. No one hit me in the leg. I wasn’t in a car crash or other traumatic event. It just flared up on me and now I am paying the price because I socialized at my niece’s graduation party. I stood and walked too much around the room. Granted it was hurting me before the party. I had gone to a Sox game a few nights before. And this is why I am on disability. Because I can’t stand more than a few hours and I can’t walk more than say 300 feet in a certain amount of time. Monday I over did it with me walking around the world. Now I just have to rest my leg. But it is so hard being laid up. I can’t do anything. All I can do is non-mobile stuff like writing, reading, and watching movies. I hate being immobile. HATE it. But if I don’t stay off my feet I am in pain, severe, debilitating pain.

I would so order out tonight but that would mean having to go down stairs to the first floor and I just can’t do that. I wish you could order just a few things on Peapod (online grocery shopping) but you have to have a minimum of $60 to place an order. I don’t need $60 worth of groceries. But I am wondering if that will be a good idea so I don’t have to walk around the grocery store to get what I need. I am in such a pickle with money though. I like to have some cash around because some friends are coming up to see me and I would like to go out with them. But if I don’t get this pain under control, going out except for the house burning down is going to be my only option of leaving my room. Right now, I am trying to strategize how to get to the pharmacy to get my prescription that I need. I can’t do the little things so forget about the bigger things (going out with friends). Hopefully, I will have the car tomorrow so that will make my life a little easier. I still have to take my father to his doc appointment. Something I am not looking forward to because his doc is NEVER on time and I hate waiting!

Still hurting big time

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Still hurting big time

I tried to take it easy today, I really did. I only went out to pick up my niece from school and I stayed in. I iced my ankle and leg while I read with my foot up on a chair. My niece was good, entertained herself with TV or the computer. I made her read for a little bit after watching a TV show. Only time I got mad was when she wasn’t careful taking out something from the fridge and dropped dip on the floor, then walked away from it like she did nothing wrong. She didn’t even bother to attempt to clean it up. That got me really mad but I didn’t yell at her. Just grabbed some paper towels and cleaned it. It hurt to do it because I am not supposed to be on my feet but I couldn’t let the house stink of sour cream and onion dip!

I went up to my apartment after my niece decided she wanted my mother to show her how to operate a sewing machine. It was a little one. Well, that was it for me climbing stairs. My leg gave out after I made myself something to eat for dinner. I shuffled to the kitchen to make myself a glass of ice tea and then retired to my room, where I have been the last couple of hours. I still am hurting despite the rest. I just don’t know what I am going to do. I have a friend from Australia in town and I really want to meet up with him but I am not sure I can. He is only in my neck of the woods for a few days. I left him a message that tomorrow night might work but I don’t have a car like I used to. He came here a few years ago and I am hoping to meet him at the same place as it is more convenient for me. But he hasn’t answered my message.

I had therapy today and it was determined that I am dissociating from my pain. Makes sense because I can feel it but not feel it. Like this morning. I woke up at 0600 kicking my leg and moaning but I didn’t know why. After I woke up a little more I realized I was hurting so I took some pain meds. It was the oddest sensation. My left leg was really hurting but I couldn’t figure out why until I woke up. I just remember it being odd that it was hurting and me shaking the leg like as if a bug was on me or something. Usually, if I move my position, the pain goes away. But I was laying on my left side. I was on my right so I was confused why it was hurting me so much. Then it dawned on me that I have nerve damage and that it was acting up. I hate waking up in pain. But my brain couldn’t process it so only gave me a little hint that it was hurting. My therapist says that I should take my pain meds even though I am not feeling the pain. It just feels so far away from me, like my leg is another person’s or something yet I am feeling their suffering. What is driving me nuts, is that the pain is there but it’s not. I feel it for a few minutes and then it tones down. I still feel it but unless I concentrate, I really can’t feel the intensity. My brain is zoning out on it. I can’t handle the pain I guess and that is why I am dissociating from it. Either that or my leg/ankle/foot are all numb and I really can’t feel it. But I can wiggle my toes, as painful as it is. Any movement in my foot causes me leg pain. It is half way down the side of my leg just in the middle of my calf muscle and goes down into my toes. I know the perneous tendon runs that way and it is all inflamed. I took some Aleve today to try and calm it down but it hasn’t done shit. I still am all swollen and hurting like a SOB. I have to take my meds every few hours to keep from hurting or I am in trouble. But I was able to sleep most of the night. I am grateful for that. Just sucked that I have been up mostly since 0600. I only got about 2 hours of sleep before I had to get my niece. I made breakfast and thought today was going to be ok but I guess the pain meds wore off and now I can’t stand to save my life. My foot keep going asleep on me and when I move it to “wake” it, my leg pain starts up. I really am miserable. It’s awful not being able to walk. I wish I could cut my ankle off. Then if it hurt, there would be a reason. But right now, there is NO fucking reason why I should be in pain. I didn’t do anything but normal stuff like walking up and down stairs. I didn’t stand too long anywhere. I just rested. But I guess I did one too many flights of stairs and now I am paying for it.

My therapist wanted to continue with the SSF and she tried to assess my mental status. Frankly, I don’t know what my mental status is right now other than being really pissed off because I can’t walk. It really is killing me that I can’t do a damn thing without setting my leg pain off. And the swelling is hurting me more than anything and I can’t get it down. I tried elevating it and icing it. NOTHING. I really flared it up and I don’t know what I did. I could kill myself but why and with what? I am trying to just be comfortable being a suicide attempt survivor who is now an author. I don’t think it would be good if I killed myself two months after my book is out.

did too much

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Did way too much today. I woke up early to meet up with a friend but her commuter rail line had problems so she couldn’t come into town. I was sad as I really wanted to see her today. But we decided to reschedule so that was good. I then had a few hours to kill before my pdoc appointment so went back home and had my coffee. I also wrote a bit while making an appointment for my father and emailing a junk yard to see if they wanted my car.

My pdoc appointment went okay but I am frustrated that there is nothing new to try to get me out of this depression that I am in. I could go back to the Cymbalta but why? I will just get sick from it, eventually. So we go another two weeks without med changes and me suffering. I told her I was mostly depressed because of pain and she said I am doing too much. I know I am. I walked more today than I have all year and now I am paying the price. My ankle is so swollen I can’t move it and it hurts so bad when I do. I am in bed until 1145 tomorrow when I have to pick my niece up again. I still have not finagled how I am going to watch her while I have therapy at 1230. I hope I am home in time to get her settled while I talk on the phone for 50 minutes.

I really need to have a rest day but that isn’t going to happen until Friday of this week. I am picking up my niece from school MTW and then I have my father’s doc appointment Thursday. I have to be up at 0630 Thursday to get my sister’s car so I can take him. I will be finding out where my sister’s work in Cambridge is located. It will be good to know in case I have to go there one day. I know I am doing too much this week and obviously I am still not rested from my activities from Saturday. This totally sucks and no one gets it. I just am in disbelief about how I was able to work two jobs while in this much pain.

My cousin came over my sister’s while I was babysitting. I do not like this cousin as she is very dramatic and high strung. She is also a hypochondriac. She was telling me today that she thought she had breast cancer at age 15. I guess that is when it started for her. It turned out she just had fibrosis. She is about 8 years older than I am. And as bad as I didn’t feel good, she just kept on yapping and yapping. When she told me she was on Adderall, everything fit. Supposedly she is on it because she has ADHD. I think she is just bipolar and not diagnosed. She didn’t care that I was in pain, and kept asking me what was wrong. It was like talking to a brick wall. She just wasn’t getting it. I wish she would have just left but she just made herself at home, fixing herself something to eat and drink. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t wait for my sister to come home so I could leave. There was nothing more that I wanted to do than to get the hell away from her. Course, all I wanted to do at that point was to be in my bed with my foot up.

I am very tired as it has been a very long day and tomorrow is going to be longer as I got the munchkin all afternoon. I really am not looking forward to it but someone has to watch the munchkin after school. Last day of school is Wednesday. That is because my city calls snow days at the mention of the word snow in the forecast. Doesn’t even have to have a snowflake on the ground and school will be called off.