Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Not too happy right now

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Not too happy right now

I saw my PCP and he gave me advice I didn’t want to hear, that I should ice and rest my foot/ankle until it gets better. I wanted to say, “You fink, I have been doing that”!! But now that my leg is involved and he saw how swollen it is, I am grounded. I was supposed to meet up with friends tomorrow and it looks like I will have to cancel. I am so fucking aggravated.

I might sneak out anyway to see my friend from NM. It depends on how I feel, but I really feel guilty about not seeing my other friends. Either trip is going to cause me pain. I just hate myself all the more.

I saw my pdoc. I have until Wed to make a decision about the hospital. I told her I wanted to talk to my therapist first and see what she thinks. But now with this rest rule in place, I just don’t know. Yes, the hospital will allow me to rest my leg but they don’t have my bed and I am not carrying my wedge to take with me so they can mess with it. I will just stay in my room anyway, propped up on pillows, though their beds suck big time. They psych wards do not have standard issue hospital beds. It’s more like half a bunk bed that is stationary on the floor so you can’t move it and then a thin mattress to sleep on. Does wonders for people with back problems like myself. And the pillows are worse. I usually take one of my pillows with me as I cannot sleep on a soft pillow.

On the one happy note for today, is that I got my books. They just arrived not too long after I started this blog. I am hoping to donate at least 4 of them to local libraries and submit 2 for review for the American Association of Suicidology. They require two copies be sent for review.

Just got two texts that say severe thunderstorms and a tornado warning has just been issued. Hope that doesn’t mean the Sox game will be postponed. I need something to do tonight. Last night I decided to finally watch a Harry Potter movie and my laptop’s DVD player crapped out on me. I watched like half the movie when it went. I was so mad. I am going to try playing it on Windows Media Player next time and see if that works. I don’t know if it’s the software program I use or the DVD player itself.

I so need a nap. I think I will try and get one in soon.

Midnight demons are out tonight

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Midnight demons are out tonight

Since Midnight I have been in some serious pain. I got very distress and despondent. I thought about killing myself and was cursing my therapist for allowing me to still exist. A blogger friend was posting blogs so I asked her if she wanted to chat and we chatted for a few hours. She had to go because she had some stuff to do in the morning. Which is fine. I understand.

I still am in pain three hours later despite taking pain meds and using a pain gel. I don’t think I am going to sleep tonight and all I can think about is killing myself. I posted on FB that I wanted to use a chainsaw to chop my leg off. I seriously wonder if that is the better course of action. Just cut out the part that is hurting. I know there will be something called phantom pain afterwards but it can’t be worse than what I am going through right now. At least then, I will know WHY I am in pain. There is NO FUCKING REASON why I should be in pain. I didn’t do a damn thing today to warrant this pain. There is nothing wrong with my damn foot and ankle. Yet it hurts really bad. And it is burning me so bad. Pain is so bad I can’t even describe it. All I know is that I am hurting and want to kill myself. Just everything is dark and gray. I feel so hopeless. I know I am never going to get better.

I was talking with an ex-coworker tonight. I missed talking with her and she answered my text. We chatted for a bit and she asked when I was coming back to work. When I said I didn’t know if I could because of my pain, she chimed in that if I stop complaining maybe I would have my job back. I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe she would say something so insensitive. My pain is real and I suffer greatly. I don’t know why I suffer the way I do but I do. I got really upset. But then I thought she is ignorant and doesn’t know what I go through every day. She doesn’t know how hard it is going down the stairs or that I have to limit my standing time or I will pay dearly for it. Sure I can suck it up and not complain. But then it will only fuel the demons. I kept quiet about my internal psychological pain for years and where did that get me? Nothing but psych hospitalizations after psych hospitalizations. Lead to cutting and drinking and more hospitalizations. So when I can finally express myself, why should I keep my physical pain inside? That is one of the reason why people kill themselves because people don’t know just how bad their pain hurts them. That is why people see their doctors only to get turned away because their pain doesn’t show up on any test. My x-rays and MRI shows there is nothing physically wrong with me. Yet my pain is real and it hurts really bad right now. So bad I am thinking of taking my life. So how can that be made up? How can it be held inside? The longer I keep it to myself the deeper it grows. They say that if you swear after stubbing a toe it lessens the pain. Well no matter much I swear, there is no lessening of this pain. I must rely on pain medication to help me deal with my pain. I wish it worked on my psychological pain but it doesn’t. Nothing helps my psychological pain. When both flares up (physical and psych) I am in the deepest waters struggling to stay afloat. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am not. When I am not, someone comes by with a dinghy and I stay afloat.

I think my foot hurts just because it wants to. I think that I have been in pain for so long it doesn’t know what else to do but hurt me. And that causes my demons to worse and give me self doubt that this is all in my head. My therapist thinks that because of PTSD I have to be treated for my pain for my own safety. That if I am not treated, my PCP might as well just sign my death certificate. She is partially right. But I have a high pain tolerance and I haven’t been in this much pain in sometime. I know it is because the weather changes and having Hurricane Arthur pass by didn’t help me much. Plus this whole up 90 degrees and then down to 70 degrees really wrecks havoc on me. That’s a 20 degree difference. It hurts!

I keep looking at my pill bottle and wonder what will happen if I empty it. I have never OD’d on Tylenol before so I am kind of scared that it will cause me liver damage that I will regret. I think that is the only thing saving me from taking the rest of the bottle and hoping for the best. If I had a barbiturate or some other powerful sedating drug handy, I would take it. I just need/want some sleep. It’s 0330. I am glad I don’t have to get up early tomorrow. But I know I am only going to get a few hours of sleep and wake up. Probably wake up at 6 or 7. I might as well wait till 0400 to try and get some sleep. I took two pain pills to try and get me to calm down this pain. I just need it to be a 3 so I can sleep. It is a 7 on a scale of 1-10. I am sure that once I get nice and comfy, I will have to use the bathroom. Never fails. UGH how I hate that.

Nervous

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Nervous

My idiot therapist wanted me to send my pdoc the blog I wrote yesterday (Dreary Day). Well I sent it to her forgetting that I wasn’t taking my meds. Now I know my pdoc is going to be mad at me because I didn’t tell her first. I am in so much trouble and this was the last thing I needed right now. She is probably going to recommend a psych admission and I am not going to be for it. There is a holiday coming up so there is no way I am going in to do nothing for four days. I can do that at home. Plus I am out of my pain meds. God this sucks. I am running low on my anti psychotic and I am out of my pain meds until Monday when I see my PCP. I feel like I am going crazy.

I took some extra meds to sleep because my toes are on fire and hurt really bad. I took a couple of Neurontin pills and a couple of Ativan. I should be asleep but this nervousness is keeping me awake. I just put some gel on my toes to quiet them down some or I am not getting any sleep until the wee hours of the morning.

I am such an idiot. I don’t know why I sent her that blog. I would have been enough with what I said about thinking of killing myself every day and not caring. I didn’t have to send her the blog. Maybe she didn’t read the blog and I am ok. But my stats show there has been activity on the blog so someone has been reading it. I wish I could track down who reads it, like the location or something but I am not good at that stuff. Gel seems to be working on my toes. Soon as it dries, I am going to sleep. It is going to be a rough few days without taking any pain meds. I hope I can survive. I have never run out before. I do have my really strong meds if I need them. But I don’t want to take it for my “moderate” pain. I will if it gets to be to much. I just hate being in pain and I know this is going to drive up my suicidality.
Bozo, though I have fired her multiple times today, still thinks she is my therapist. She doesn’t want to leave me the hell alone. I would tell my Pdoc off but I am too afraid that she will send the police after me if I do. Bozo has threatened but never has done so. As much as I feel suicidal, I still feel ok to go about my business as usual. No one but my therapist and now my pdoc knows I am suicidal. I like it that way. It gives me freedom to plan my death. I really don’t know what I will do. I thought of OD’g but that is messy. There are so many ways to die but it is so hard to kill the human body. I know, I have tried several times and failed. I am a suicide attempt survivor, what ever that means. It is a relatively new term. I have been using it as a hashtag on twitter when I try and promote my book. I want to die so badly yet I don’t know how and that is frustrating me. I feel like I did when I was a kid and couldn’t figure out how to die. It is so maddening. I have an arsenal of meds at my disposal. Anyone can really do me some harm but I don’t want to do it in my house.

I guess I will talk to the fired therapist tomorrow and see what she has to say about the pdoc knowing about my stupid plan of stretching out my anti-psychotic med. She is not going to be happy with me and I don’t blame her. I just hope she doesn’t section me. Section means that a mental health professional involuntarily hospitalizes you for up to 72 hours at a mental health facility for evaluation. My evaluation would be delayed because of the stupid holiday and I won’t have privileges like to use my headphones or charge my phone. And that will suck. I don’t want to go to the hospital to be babysat. I can be fine at home. I just won’t go out so that I am not tempted to jump in front of moving vehicles or trains. I can be safe with my meds because I don’t want my niece to find me or my mother.

It is so difficult to explain to someone all this. You want the help but at the same time you know that it is useless. It is just so tiring. OMG I don’t believe the baseball game. 16-9. It’s like a football score! Dear holy crist! Thank god I wasn’t watching it. I just kept getting score updates. And I was cursing with every run the Cubs made. Bad time to be a Red Sox fan. They are drowning like I am. But no one sees it. No one sees the struggle I go through every day. Just to take a shower is a hassle. I have to be next to no pain for me to stand 10 mins in the shower. Then quickly dry off and maybe take a nap afterwards because it wore me out. Lately this hasn’t happened but I do get tired and more pain during the day after I push myself. No one understands chronic pain except another person with chronic pain. They know that you have to have rest days in between or you are fucked. That was why I was tied up for three weeks. I couldn’t have a rest day in between and I kept going. I paid for it dearly but not being able to bear weight on my leg for almost three days. It got so bad I thought I would have to go to the ER. But then I remembered I had strong pain pills and that helped greatly. It helped me rest and re-coop.

Dreary Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Dreary Day

It might be 90 degrees outside or hotter, but inside there is nothing but gray skies. My therapist talked me out of killing myself for today. But that is only a deterrent. She said I could put if off till tomorrow. I doubt it. I wasn’t in a talkative mood when I was speaking with her. I had just woken up, haven’t had my coffee, and here she is rambling about what my plans are. I told her today would be perfect. No one would be home. Until it was too late. By then I would be dead and wouldn’t care who saw me.

I took some Ativan to get some sleep. It’s already starting to kick in because I am sleepy anyways. I just can’t stay awake. I wish I took something that sedating but I didn’t. I think I am just tired of being in pain all the time. Even as I am typing this, my ankle is roaring its head. I also took some of my pain medication to quiet it down. I should drink some gin to make the drugs work faster but that might be seen as a real suicide attempt and that is not what it is. I promised my therapist I wouldn’t do any self-harming until we talked tomorrow. The nitwit also has me in the books for Thursday. Oh joy, I get to talk to her 4 times this week all at noon, which is not my best state to talk to people.

I tried canceling on her but she refuses to do so. I hate her. I really want a day without therapy this week. I don’t think that is too much to ask for. So what if I am suicidal.

I still have to figure out how I am going to get my abilify for the month. I am skipping this week to make it last longer but eventually, I will need a refill. But I don’t have the money for it. I am so sick of being broke. And I am supposed to meet up with someone this weekend and I hope we don’t go out to eat some place because I am broke. I shouldn’t have bought more books but I did. I found that I can sell them with my signature and people actually want them more than the regular non-signed ones. So if you would like a signed copy of my book, let me know in the comments and we can work out the details.

I don’t know if I really want to die. I know that I don’t want to live. It’s hard living in a lot of physical pain, every day. I have been in pain for three straight weeks now. And it doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do, my foot or ankle flairs up and then I am done for the day. I think it is because I go down the stairs too much during the day and my foot doesn’t like it.

I really want to get to a pool this summer. I just hope I have swimming trunks that fit. I lot a bit of weight and the ones I had last year were too loose. I am sure they are not going to fit me this year because I lost even more weight. We’ll see. If I ever get the energy to actually go to the pool. I hate basking in the sun. I won’t stay very long. And I definitely won’t be there if it is crowded. I can’t stand crowds.