Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

MLK Birthday 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

MLK Birthday 2017

Today is the observance of MLK Jr.’s birthday. Sadly, the President-Elect is not doing a damn thing about it because of “schedule conflicts”. Makes me sick.

I have been in an irritated mood for most of the day. Someone had posted a link on Twitter about how they created a Yelp page to rank psych hospitals. While that is all well and good, the patients needing care there might not get it because of distance, insurance issues, or bed unavailability. Most likely, it will be because of bed unavailability. Also, during a crisis, the patient doesn’t always have a choice as to where they will go.

I voiced my opinion on the matter and some administrator in the tweet said that “change is possible”. To which I replied, how as there is a bed crisis right now?? These administrator have no fucking clue how the mental health system really is for patients. And why would they? They aren’t the ones spending hours, sometimes days, in the ER waiting for a bed. It drives me fucking crazy. And then a social worker that I know and have dealt with many times, throws in his opinion which squashes mine, making me look like an idiot. UGH. I just wanted to scream. He is all for outpatient treatment, while I was discussing inpatient treatment. Big difference. I got so damn frustrated.

So then I leave the house with my niece as I thought we wanted burritos. I did anyways. I asked her at the bus stop if she was hungry and she said no. What do you mean no when we are going to get burritos?? I wanted to go back home but I really wanted a damn burrito so we went to the Square. I got more coffee at Starbucks (just to add to my agitation) and got the damn burrito. We took them home to eat. We had just missed the bus from the Square so decided to walk to the next one that was 0.4 miles from where we were. I was exhausted by the time we reached our destination and my ankle wasn’t too happy either. There was a creepy guy at the bus stop and luckily he got on a different bus than the one we were going on. Thankful for that.

I had to get milk and the paper at Walgreens so we stopped there before coming home. I wanted to get Fruit Loops but it was too expensive. I wasn’t going to pay nearly five bucks for a 10 ounce box. That is just ridiculous. So my cereal craving will have to keep craving.

Now I am home and I am not doing a damn thing other than eat my burrito. My niece did soon as we got home. I don’t think she likes eating in public places and that is why she said she wasn’t hungry. She has anxiety so I understand.

I don’t think my therapist is in the office today because I haven’t heard from her. More anxiety for me. I hope to hear from her tomorrow. I really hope I can have a chat with her. I just feel hopeless because another therapist has decided they can’t work with me anymore. It just makes me feel like a hopeless case and that I can’t be helped so why bother trying. If she acts like a fink and refuses to give me a time this week to talk things over, I’m just going to cancel the appointment next month and say goodbye to her. It’s not worth the aggravation anymore of trying to help myself when I get no help from a professional.

Sunday Blog 22

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 22

I had a somewhat relaxing Sunday. My sister took my niece out and I just vegged while she was away. I then ordered Chinese food for us. It was a good dinner.

I was talking with my friend before dinner. I told her I accidentally skipped my medication all week and I was feeling on the brink of being psychotic/delusional again. I haven’t been on Twitter that much today. I didn’t feel like causing my thinking to become overwhelmed with its content. I had emailed my psychiatrist about it but have not received a response. I might page her tomorrow if I am not feeling a little better.

I wrote in my journal for most of the day. I should have brought down my Kindle so I could read something but I forgot and I don’t feel like climbing up to my room to get it. Writing has been helpful for me to get what I needed on paper.

The house has been cold for most of the day, with the heat turning on intermittingly. I don’t want to turn it up because then it will be too hot. I just been wearing long sleeves and thermal socks. My feet have been cold on and off. I hate when they are cold because when they warm up they hurt more than when they are cold. Then nerve pain creeps into my damaged foot and it’s on fire. Fucking sucks.

While my niece was gone, I was in my room to fill my pill box for the week. I made sure I put in my trilafon. Afterwards, I sat there playing with my phone and thinking about changing my sheets as my laptop was downstairs and that just left the lower corner of my bed to clear off plus the rest of my “office”. I am going to try tomorrow because I couldn’t muster up the motivation to do it today. I just kept looking at the “mess” and wondered where I was going to put the things on my bed so I could change the sheets. I quickly became overwhelmed with it and there went my motivation.

My pain has been minimal today and I am not sure why, though I am not complaining about it. I haven’t been up and down stairs too much today. The nice thing about my sister’s apartment is that the bathroom is on the same floor, unlike my place. I’ve only had to basically go up one flight of stairs today because I haven’t gone up to my room, which is two flights. I only did that to do my pills and that was it. I kind of like being on the first floor. But it’s only for the next two days and then I go back to my room. My sister will be home Tuesday night. I will put my niece to bed and then go up to my room.

The Pats won their game last night. I watched most of it from the comfort of my sister’s bed. It was wonderful. I missed the third quarter because I always under/over estimate how long half time is. I might watch the Steelers/KC game tonight as the winner of that game will be the opponent we have to face next week. The Steelers have been a red hot team this year. It most likely will be them we will face.

I had a cup of coffee a couple of hours ago. It was much stronger than this morning’s cup. I couldn’t drink it all because if I did, I knew I would be up all night. Now I am getting sleepy again. I took my meds so that maybe why. I hope I don’t wake up before 6 tomorrow. I really don’t want another early morning of pain. But if my ankle/foot is just going to hurt me then and not the rest of the day, then fine, let it be that way.

Random 134

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I saw my psychiatrist this morning. We talked about my therapist and how I should proceed. I really didn’t want to proceed as I had an end date but feared I would be hospitalized if I said that. So I am going to try and talk to my therapist Tuesday. I really don’t like this monthly bullshit and neither does my psych. I would try and talk with her Monday but I am not sure she is in the office or not as it’s a school holiday. I plan on leaving her a voicemail message rather than a text so she can call me and I know she will get the message. If I sent her a text, she might not read it and I will be sitting there wondering when she will respond.

She was worried about me when she read my letter and she is holding me to the trust we have regarding calling her when I need to rather than acting on my impulses. I wish she didn’t say that because I will feel guilty going through with my plan. I think she is going to see me every week until March or until she feels my ideation has settled back to the underground.

Towards the end of our appointment, I asked her if she read my book and she said yes. She said my writing has improved and it’s sophisticated. I think that is the best compliment I ever got. She said she forgot to bring it and I said I will be in next week if you want me to sign it. She laughed.

I felt good about the feedback on my book. I ran an errand after I went to the Square. I had to buy some bread as I was out. I misjudged the bus schedule and had to wait 45 minutes for the next one. I am glad it wasn’t freezing cold out but it was cold enough after 45 minutes! I was starving by the time I was near home. I had to drop off my script to Walgreens so I bought some things and went home. I bought a protein bar and that didn’t help my hunger. I made a black bean burger as it was going to be at least 2 hours before my niece would come home and I could order pizza. While I was eating the burger, I moved my ankle the wrong way and it didn’t like it at all. I was in intense pain. Guess I wasn’t going back to the pharmacy to pick up my script. I had already taken my pain meds so I was fucking screwed. There was nothing I could take. Eventually it settled itself down. I’m still in pain but it’s not as severe.

I was getting drowsy so I had another cup of coffee. I thought the cup I had this morning at my sister’s was caffeinated but it was decaf. I never knew the difference, but then I never had that brand of coffee before. I am glad I had a second cup of coffee at Starbucks. I had Casi Cielo. It was awesome. I got my bag of coffee today so tomorrow I will head to the Square to have it grounded. I also plan on getting some k cups so I can use it on my sister’s Keurig. I had the coffee about an hour ago and already it’s wearing off. I am just so tired. I will be taking my meds soon and my strong pain pill so I should be able to sleep. I’ll let me niece do her own thing tonight. She doesn’t have to get up early tomorrow and neither do I.

Don’t Think That Way

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

“Don’t think that way”

I was reading a friend’s blog. She has dissociative identity disorder and one of her alters was feeling suicidal. That alter wrote a blog about it. Then an idiot commenter wrote “don’t think that way”. It really set me off. I wanted to say something but I didn’t. So I am saying here in my blog. Things like that don’t help at all. If anything it makes the person feel worse than what they already do and it doesn’t validate their feelings at all. It also makes it less likely to reach out the next time that person feels that way. It drives me up a wall when people say things like that.

I am not having a good day. I am in pain and I am still hurting from the fall out of my therapist. I googled all of the names. All but one don’t seem to work for me. Once I am feeling better, I might give her a call. I spoke to my psychiatrist today. She wanted to know how I was doing and I told her I was upset but what else is new. I see her tomorrow so we’ll talk more about it. She said she bought my book and she just received it. She is going to read it. I guess tomorrow I will be signing it.

I was going to do an errand today as the weather was nice. But then my ankle started bothering me and I didn’t feel like going out. It really put me in a shitty mood. I had some Oreos to destress. It didn’t work the way I was hoping but at least my sweet tooth got satisfied. I have been going up and down the stairs most of the day. Probably why my ankle is pissed off. I took some pain meds so I hope to take a nap soon before my niece gets home. I don’t know if I will be able to sleep because I am so agitated. Also, my ankle is starting to have that pain that only responds to the strong pain pill. If I take that, I will be toast the rest of the day.

I was supposed to get new coffee today but it won’t be delivered until tomorrow. Kind of stinks because that means I will have to go to the Square on Saturday to get the beans grounded. I want to try the coffee dammit! I love this coffee because it’s citrusy and has dark cocoa notes. I hate going to Starbucks on Saturday because the buses run every hour.

OMG, I let my niece in the house and when I came back up to my room, the intensity of my ankle pain skyrocketed. I am hurting so bad I could cry. And today is just the first day I am watching my niece. WTF I knew I was going to be in pain today because of my night out last night. But come on! I shouldn’t really be in this much fucking pain. I don’t have control over it and that is what bothers me. Any activity level that I do costs me, even if I don’t leave the house and just go up and down the stairs. This fucking sucks. I took a 3rd pain pill. Sometimes that will be enough to get my pain under control. Otherwise, I am going to have to go back downstairs to my sister’s apartment, take my strong pain pill, and crash there. I really don’t want to do that.