Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

Feeling Depressed, What’s New

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling depressed, what is new

I woke up from my nap in time to take my night meds. I didn’t prepare them in my pill box like I had planned so just took the “important” stuff and my pain meds. I am now out of my pain meds thanks to Walgreens and their new policy of needing a diagnosis code with long term opioid use. I thought I would make it till Monday but with all the rain we have had the past two days, I am just in a lot of pain. I only have my strong pain meds and I hate to take them because they always back me up. I already didn’t go today. I kept getting bowel cramps but nothing happened. I can’t take senna tonight because I need to go out tomorrow. Usually if I go out, I don’t take senna because I never know when I am going to go and I hate going to the bathroom in public places. I like my own toilet for number twos.

I need to call my doctor’s office tomorrow and tell them to call the pharmacy so I can have my meds. I hate having to call, but I also need my pills so I have no choice. Whole thing is making me depressed, not like I wasn’t to begin with.

I was reading on Twitter that someone did research on chronic pain and found that they found suicide “preferable” than living with chronic pain. The person was upset to find this out because she suffers from chronic pain. I can easily see why suicide would be preferable. I would be interested to read this article. I think I will contact her and see if she can send it to me. I find that reading these type of studies helps acknowledge my pain, both mentally and physically. I wrote in my “typical day” section of my disability paperwork that I often think about suicide and plan my death, then go back to sleep, which is true. I spend most of my time thinking about how to kill myself. I can’t help it sometimes because I just want to escape from myself and my pain. I find that planning my death helps me cope. Doesn’t mean that I will go through with it, but it’s nice to know I have an out plan.

I don’t know why I am so depressed tonight. I have been sleeping most of the day, which is a rarity. I still feel like I could sleep some more. I had a weird dream before waking up. It was more of a disgusting dream. But the important thing is that I woke up before I peed the bed as in the dream I was ready to pee. I hate when I am always in the bathroom in the dreams when I have to pee. It feels so real until I wake up and my bladder is hurting because it’s so full. I would have been very upset if I peed the bed. It would be another indication that I am not 100% normal. It’s bad enough that I leak, and sometimes that upsets me but lately I have gotten used to it. I am just so tired of fighting this stuff every day. I have been dehydrated for the last few weeks as my pee as has been orange. It seems like no matter what I drink or how much, I can’t get it to be clear. I must have seriously not been drinking enough for a long time. But it’s hard to drink because I don’t want to leak. It’s just a bad cycle.

I would like a cup of tea but it’s late and it might keep me up. I really can’t have a long nighter because I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I don’t have any herbal teas except for chamomile. I really don’t want chamomile. But it might help me sleep better. I do have honey. I bought it with my grocery order. I don’t know where it is though. It’s still in with all my grocery that I couldn’t find a place for as my kitchen cabinets are full. It will be freezing on the porch where I have my stuff. Course I don’t really need honey. I just want something warm to drink. Maybe that will shake off some of this feeling down by having something relaxing to drink. I should have bought orange tea by Bigelow but I wasn’t thinking. I will get it my next order.

Saturday Blog 37

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 37

I got my haircut today. It’s a little shorter than I usually get it but I like it. It’s totally a military cut. My mother is going to fucking flip when she see me. So far I haven’t seen her yet. I need to take a shower to get the excess hair off me before I start itching. I really don’t want to shower but I need to.

My night went okay. I slept pretty good, until about 0640. I woke up in pain so had to take some pain meds. When I woke up, I was still in pain. Found out it was raining so that is the reason for my pain. I hurt every time it rains. I checked the status of my pain meds and found it still wasn’t ready to be picked up. I thought that was kind of odd so called the pharmacy. The pharmacy changed their policy for long term opioid use and needs a damn diagnosis code from the doctor in order to process the order. It’s the damn weekend and they closed early yesterday so I am screwed till Monday. Just fucking great. I still have enough pills to get me through until Monday but still, the aggravation of not getting my pills on time kills me. I also had a bad dream where someone picked up my meds so I was screwed. The terror of this happening was so real it woke me up. I had a mini anxiety attack. But it didn’t happen. I know people where there does happen. And it’s totally the pharmacy’s fault for not giving it to the right person, in my opinion. Now I need to make sure my doc writes down the diagnosis code on my script when I get it filled. I am so angry that I have to wait because of a technicality.

I don’t know if I will be going to the party tonight. It’s at 1800. I hate late parties. If my ankle isn’t better, I am not going. I am not going to stay at a party and put on a “happy” face while I am in pain. Just walking to the barber shop and back hurt, and it was literally just a block and a half from my house. I hate not being able to walk this distance without pain.

My Amazon stuff that I ordered came in. I have my Combos snacks, a couple of movies, and a couple of books. One is the Outsiders which I haven’t read since I was a kid. I love the movie and the book. I love all of S.E. Hinton’s books. I follow her on Twitter, too. She is an amazing person. But before I can read this new book, I have to finish the other book I started on the Civil War.

I bought a book about suicide risk management. I bought it because it has the paper that I wanted by someone and now I can’t remember what the paper or the author was called. Looking through the chapters didn’t jog my memory. I will have to read the last paper I read and see if that stirs up the memory. I got it cheap, only $5 and it was the last copy on Amazon.

After the attack on that Planned Parenthood place, I really don’t think America has to worry about outside terrorists. They just have to worry about its own citizens causing the terror and shooting up places. And the more that nothing gets done about these attacks, the more it’s going to get the Americans jaded to it as it’s becoming more common than not. Aliens have nothing to do with the American people. They are just gun loving. They also don’t seek power like the aliens do. They just shoot up a place and then usually die by cop. I really think it’s going to take a senator or congressperson’s son or daughter to get killed in these attacks in order for change to occur. Until then, it’s going to happen randomly across America. I know I will stay home more because as much as I am suicidal, that is not how I want to go.

I’m Zipping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’m Zipping

I woke up at 0500 and I have been busy getting my groceries ordered and straightening out my Zipcar card. I decided to use the Zipcar today rather than wait till tomorrow or next week. I am so excited. I was going to go back to sleep but decided against it. I finally took a shower. I didn’t even get into the shower when it started making an awful noise. I quickly showered and got out. I think it was the fastest shower I took. I have to tell my brother in law about this noise. I think there is air in the lines or something.

I am going to see my therapist today. She is going to be so excited. I haven’t texted her yet. I figure I will surprise her. Maybe now, she won’t be so keen on getting an adjunct therapist. It will be good to see her again. It’s been months since our last face to face session. I will be bringing her the lyrics to “Mixed drinks about Feelings” and my NYT article. It’s just something to add to her pile. I am debating on bringing the lyrics to “Mr. Misunderstood”. The song is mostly about Eric finding himself in the music industry. Other than a few lines, the song doesn’t have any meaning for me. But I like the idea behind the song. And I always feel misunderstood.

I can’t wait till my grocery order comes in and I can have burritos for breakfast. They are homemade, not the prepared stuff. I need to make my own eggs. I am funny that way. Even when we go out to a restaurant for breakfast, I never order eggs. I like making my own.

It’s now the afternoon. I just came home from my therapy appointment. It took longer to get home than it did getting there. I had to get gas in the beginning of the trip because the idiot before me left less than ¼ of a tank. I reported it. It cost me a half hour of my trip because of it so I decided to take the highway to my therapist’s office. She was sure happy to see me. I was happy too. She still looks the same. I think it has been at least a year since I last saw her. I told her about my crappy weekend and how suicidogenic my mother was. It was a new word for her to learn. I was laughing because she kept on pronouncing it wrong. It took several tries for her to get it right. I also gave her the lyrics but we didn’t talk about it much. We’ll probably talk about it tomorrow. She wished that I could stay the entire afternoon. I wish I could, too. I think it would be a goofy experience.

The ride home seemed to take forever. I really just wanted to be home as I have been out most of the day. I left my house at 0900 and just came back around 1545. Nearly six hours out. I rented the car for 5 hours just to allow times for traffic and such. There wasn’t much traffic on the way home. It just seemed like it was a long road. I don’t know how many miles it was but it could just be that I wanted to be home fast and it was the long way home that was making me antsy. I didn’t have lunch while I was out. I should have had something to eat but I was hungry. Now I am hungry. My mother is making supper as we speak so it should be ready soon.

I got to call Peapod and find out why they are charging me more than what I clicked on for check out. It’s nearly twenty dollars more. I didn’t add any items and the sale items are still on sale so I am not sure why there is a discrepancy. I hate making phone calls. You spend most of the time on hold than you do talking to a person. Like I just called my doctor’s office to see if my prescription was ready to be picked up. I spent of the 8 minutes, 2 minutes was talking to an actual person. I just get so annoyed. They used to call you when it was ready but I guess they don’t do that any more. Jerks. If I don’t pick it up tomorrow, I will have to wait till Friday. They are only open in the morning that day.

My therapist was appalled that someone would open accounts in my name. I am glad I caught it before fraudulent activity could be done. It didn’t show up on my credit report yet, but then, my own personal checking account isn’t there either so maybe it won’t show up. I told her I reported it to the agencies, just in case. She still was shocked someone would do this. Just tops off the bad weekend I had.

I have had such a long day. Even though I am hungry, I really don’t feel like eating. I am just too tired to eat. But I am getting the shakes because the last time I ate was at like 0630 this morning. I feel like I should have ordered something, just to tie me over while my mother cooks what she is cooking. I am having nerve pain in my thigh. Probably because I sat too long today. It’s rare that it flares up. But then I don’t usually have long days where I am sitting in a chair. While I am in my bed, it is somewhat elevated.

Despite seeing my therapist, I still am depressed. I didn’t tell her about the anti-diabetic agent that I was thinking about going on to help with my chronic depression. It has too many scary side effects, which is probably why my psychiatrist never got back to me. I will still ask her about it when I see her. If it will help the insulin resistance, I am for it. But my psychiatrist is not an endocrinologist. She might not feel comfortable prescribing it. I will still ask my PCP about it, but he is leaving so I am not sure I can bring it up. I might need monitoring in the beginning that I don’t know about. I see my psych before I see my PCP so I will have a better idea if this medication is ideal for me.

I also didn’t tell my therapist my ex tried getting in contact with me the end of last week. We have had an off and on relationship over the years. Last year or two she blocked me on FB for reasons only she knows. Well she unblocked me and then requested my friendship. I didn’t want to deal with her so I blocked her. I don’t need her drama in my life. She is interested in me for only one thing and one thing only, and it’s not friendship. I am glad she is 90 miles away from me. It still hurts me that we can’t have a friendship but so life goes, I guess. She was my first love so she will always have a special spot in my heart. I have been thinking about her a lot lately so I am sure that is why she unblocked me. We have this weird connection where if we think of one another, the other is too.

I don’t know if I am sleepy because of lack of food or because I have been up for almost 12 straight hours. It’s a really cold day and I am just wearing a T-shirt. It’s kind of chilly but I was hot when I came home. I really think something is wrong with me, either I am coming down with a cold or something is wrong with my thyroid. Maybe if I nudge my pdoc, she will order a thyroid screen. It could be what is causing my depression, or at least part of it. I have been depressed for so long you would think I would be used to it. But it sucks because it just takes so much out of you. Putting on a happy face all the time takes such effort. It is exhausting. And it sucks because you just can’t do anything useful. I am glad I am not a neat freak. I would have died the way my room is. But it does need to be cleaned. My summer clothes need to be put away so they don’t get lost in the shuffle of my winter clothes. I still can’t find my Red Sox hoodie. It upsets me when I can’t find my  clothes. They just get buried. Much like my life.

Wiped Out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wiped Out

I went to see my father today. I had to go to Stop and Shop to get one of his meds and while I was there decided to get some powerade. I got seven bottles and didn’t take into account their weight. I drank one while I was at my father’s because I was thirsty and I figured it would lessen the load. Wrong. I had to walk all over the building because he wanted me to check his mail and empty the trash. When I left and got to the station, I realized I had his keys in my pocket so had to go back to return it. My ankle wanted to kill me. I found the ace bandage and was wearing it. I have a nice indentation of the swelling marks from all the walking that I did. I am so glad I didn’t wear my OSU hoodie. I would have died as it got really warm when I left my father’s. I was sweating by the time I finally hit the final stretch home. I am tired and I am glad my mother didn’t go out shopping today because I wouldn’t answer the phone.

I am really tired. I didn’t sleep well and been going since 0400. I did manage to call my doctor’s office and got an appointment for tomorrow morning. Like crack of dawn morning. I have to leave my house at 0700 to be there on time. I am going to be sore as anything tomorrow. I have to be up by at least 0600. I am going to try and take a shower tonight. Depends on how cooperative my ankle is later. I last took a shower yesterday morning, like at 0200 because I thought it would relax me to go back to sleep. Yea right. I am sure I will sleep tonight, though. I won’t take any Neurontin but I will take a couple of Ativan. I hope that will ease the soreness. I hope I don’t have to go through the entire history of why I need hormone pills to stop my menses.

I gave in and bought Eric Church’s new album and I am glad I did. I love this album! I haven’t stopped listening to it. There isn’t a song that I don’t like. I have two songs that I constantly have on repeat. One is obviously, Mr. Misunderstood. They other is “Mixed Drinks about Feelings”. I printed out the lyrics for my therapist. There is a chance I might see her next week, depends if I get the Zipcar card. I got approved for Zipcar today. I am so excited. I got wheels when I want them, which is good because my father needs to see his doctor. I had to cancel his last appointment due to lack of transportation.

My mood is just tired. I am still depressed and kind of suicidal but not so much. I just feel blah, not caring about anything. The voices are still kicking around but are not too “loud”. I think that is because I am so tired. If I was anxious or agitated, I think the story would be different.

This month I decided to keep track of how many times I use the bus and train to see if buying a monthly pass was worth it. It is, as my preliminary data shows. I haven’t passed the dollar mark, but I am close to it, and the month isn’t over yet.