Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

Pain, Pain, and More Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Pain, Pain, and more Pain

I had my appointment with my PCP, my last appointment with him, today. He said that the office will continue managing my pain so I was happy about that. I get to see the nurse practitioner next month and I guess we’ll just go from there. I hope I just see her from now on rather than seeing the doc I don’t know. I like the NP. She doesn’t poke and prod like he does and then I can walk out without being in pain. After I left, I had to stand on the train as there were no seats. My leg didn’t not like me. My ankle was already mad at me and my socks had started to dig in me as my leg was swelling. It happens if I am wearing them too long and have to go about things. It only happens with my bad leg, not my right so I know it’s because of the pain syndrome that I have. My PCP recommended that I go to a rehab place. If you read the blog from this morning, this place is similar to what that place except I think my insurance covers it. I have to find out. This rehab place doesn’t offer medications but tries to take you off them. It’s something I have been offered before but declined. Once I know what is going on with my back and things with my father, I will make an appointment for it. It’s like a three month program looking at the brochure so I really need to have time for me to do this.

We said our goodbyes. I still can’t believe he is going. But he wanted some place that meant more time for his kids, which I get. They don’t stay little forever and before you know it they are adults. I wished him well. I feel really sad as I have known him for so long. Technically, he has been my PCP most of my adult life.

Before I saw him, I had my appointment with my therapist. I think sitting for so long aggravated my thigh pain. It has been bothering me for some hours now and I don’t like it. Nothing helps this pain so I am screwed. I think lying down helps so I will try that once I finish this blog.

My therapist was like a little kid today. She was excited about the prospect of me seeing her on my birthday. It all depends on if I can find a Zipcar for the hours that I need it on that day. She asked if I can reserve it in advance and I told her they charge your card that day and I don’t have money on my card right now. Plus, I don’t think they take a week reservation advances. It’s usually the day before or the day of you want to rent the car. We spent a good time talking about the stress of my birthday as I still don’t know what is going on that actual night. I know they are having a party for me but I, as guess of honor, have no clue what the hell time it is. Most likely it will be around 6 or 7.

We also talked about my PTSD symptoms as I told her I was relaxed for the first time about leaving my bag on the floor where I was talking to her. Usually, I am paranoid someone is going to take the bag. It doesn’t have anything valuable in it. Just some notepads, my journal, and a book. But they are valuable to me and to me only. She said that because I am in a constant state of hypervigilance it’s easy to become paranoid, or something like that. I understood what she was saying but I don’t remember her exact words. She is also worried about my anxiety levels lately as my pain has been awful and sometimes I will have flashbacks. It’s going to be hard seeing my neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I haven’t seen him in so long. I guess I should be lucky that in nine years I haven’t needed him again. But that doesn’t take away the fear that I have about seeing him. I wish my doc would have ordered an MRI before I saw him. This way I would know if he is needed or I just need physical therapy or something. But my gut tells me something is wrong and that is freaking me out. My therapist is right to be worried. I am, too.

We talked some more about my father being an asshole as he called in the middle of session. Someone always calls whenever I am on the phone with her or someone else. My phone doesn’t ring at any other time except when I am on the phone with someone. It really pissed her off that he kicked me yesterday. I was still sore today because my nerves are messed up. He didn’t kick me hard but just enough to cause pressure changes and my leg didn’t like it one fucking bit. Today my PCP was touching the affected area. I thought I was going to jump off the table. That area of my leg is just very sensitive because of the nerve damage I suffered.

My therapist also asked about my suicidality. I told her I still plan on checking out but it just depends on when. Funny how when you make the decision to go through with it, you begin to feel better about things. That is how I am feeling right now. I am not as depressed as I was because I know I will be ending my life soon. She didn’t like it but I am not going to end up a cripple. I mean I sort of am a cripple, a mental cripple, but to be both a physical and mental one, forget about it.

Two things I was going to do today I didn’t do. One was to call the dentist for a cleaning and the second being to take a shower. I might try again tomorrow. I really think my leg will divorce me if I try to take a shower tonight. I just am in too much pain to stand for 10-20 minutes. I already did more than that waiting for the bus and train. I don’t even think my pain meds will bail me out of this one. I’m just going to rest the rest of tonight, maybe watch a movie or read my book. I haven’t read my book in two days so I need to do it if I plan on finishing the chapter by the end of the week. I was hoping to finish the book this week but that isn’t happening. I had too many days of non-reading.

Reasons for Living vs. Reasons for Dying

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Reasons for Living vs Reasons for Dying

This title is the name of an article written by David Jobes. It has to do with suicidality. The idea is to list your reasons for living and then your reasons for dying. The hope is that the reasons for living outweigh the reasons for dying.

I have been struggling a lot lately with my suicidality. Last week I wanted to do something very badly. I didn’t care what it was, as long as the end result was death. I texted my therapist and after I met my ungrateful father, she called me. We talked about my plan that was running around my head and the stressors that was leading me to think of suicide. It was a short phone call so we didn’t get into real specifics. I am sure that if we had time for a session, she would have asked what my reasons for living/dying were. It’s her way of gauging just how suicidal I am. Usually if I don’t have any reasons for living, my constriction is pretty high. Constriction is the narrowing of the senses. In this case, I only see suicide as a way out and I am damned to achieve it one way or another. I have been stressed over my birthday, not to mention Christmas and still trying to save money for the new year because I know I will have to pay for my prescriptions again. I also need to save some money so I can see my therapist sometime in the new year. But that is all future planning and it is stressing me out to no end. I don’t want to live to see my birthday in the 9 days. I was planning on ending things this Saturday so I made plans with my sisters for a birthday dinner with just the three of us. I still have Sunday to worry about. And the fact that what I have in mind, I have plenty of is not helping my case. I have three bottles of meds that I could use to try and end my life. But the problem is where I will do this. I can’t do it at home because I don’t want to be found by family members. And I know it will be traumatic to anyone that finds me, but I don’t care. I can’t stand living this hell that is supposedly called life. I am in so much pain lately that I can’t think. The new pain meds have me so sedated it’s not funny. And I think it’s messing up my bowels, too. Instead of being constipated, I am now having loose stools. That might be good for a “normal” person but not good with someone like me who has impaired function of their bowel due to cauda equina syndrome.

I made an appointment with my neurosurgeon the day before my birthday. It is going to be a wasted visit because there are no new images of my back. The latest scan was in 2007. So it’s just talking to him to update him on what is going on and then he will most likely order an MRI. I will then have to have another appointment to discuss the results. I am scared that I will have to have surgery again. I have no idea what that will mean. Or he might decide to pass me off to another neurosurgeon because he is a pedi doc and not an adult doc. I don’t know. I will be pissed off it I am again passed the buck to someone else.

I am also worried that I am not going to get the level of care from the new PCP in my doc’s office when he leaves and my days on opioids might be coming to an end. That is what is really freaking me out. I can’t manage my pain without these meds. It keeps me sane. But some doctors wrote an article in a prominent medical journal about how chronic pain patients get lumped with substance abuse disorders and other mental health issues and therefore “abuse” the meds they receive. Which is utter nonsense. I have never abused nor taken more than prescribed. I take what I need on a given day. Sure there might be some days that I need more medicine than others but that is rare. When I have a pain flare up, it might mean 6 pills instead of 4. Or if I am not in too much pain, it might mean just 2 pills a day. It varies because my pain is not constant all the time. It’s always a three on a scale of 1-10 at any given point but any activity (going up and down stairs, walking for lengths of time, standing for lengths of time, etc.) will increase my pain at night. At night is when my pain is at its worse. That is when my reasons for living go out the fucking window and my reasons for dying increase trifold. This is what it’s like living with chronic pain.

My therapist knows this. She has seen the worst of my suicidality to know when to intervene and when to let me vent. She tries hard to let me work it out on my own as I usually do. She guides me through these rough passages. But I don’t know if this time she has what it takes to see me through these waters. I am so drowning and I just feel like no one is hearing me scream in a crowded room. I am just so sad that my doctor is leaving, my psychiatrist is not available at the moment, and I have to face a neurosurgeon the day before I really don’t want to be alive.

Moods Have Changed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Moods have changed

I had a crappy sleep. I woke up like every two hours. I had to change position because I was in pain. It totally sucked. Around 0830, I thought I would shower but my mother was in the bathroom. So I decided to wait. Then I had to go and it wasn’t pleasant. I was still in pain every time I had a number 2. Seems like today is shit day because that is all I have been doing since 0900. I wanted to go out but that is not possible. I went to Walgreens okay but that is a short walk. I have two extremes, loose soft/diarrhea stools or hard as rocks stools. Even with the senna, I don’t have a medium. Only time I have one is when I have regular movements which seem far and in between. I am so damn miserable.

I had therapy today and we talked about all that has happened since we last talked. We talked about the insults my father gave me, the drinking, and, inevitably, my suicidality. I have picked a date and I am moving towards a plan. Fuck this pain shit. Fuck my father. I can’t stand either, one more than the other, you choose which. I don’t care anymore. She wanted me to come out to see her but I don’t have the funds to. I don’t get paid till my birthday. I will be dead by then, I hope.

We talked about my writing. She asked what will become of it once I am gone. I told her it will just stay on my laptop. No one will do anything with it. Right now, my “book” is barely fifty pages. No one knows the files. I am not that organized. And besides, some of the stuff is on my blog anyways so anyone could make a book out of it. I just don’t care anymore.

My therapist asked me what would be the one thing that wouldn’t make me so suicidal. I didn’t have an answer for her. She then asked what my reasons for living were. I told her none. I hate when she goes through these things. It always makes me feel a little guilty. And that is all that she was trying to do, was lay a guilt trip on me so I would continue to be. Why would I want to live when every time I have a damn bowel movement, I have pain as well, sometimes for hours? She brought up getting an MRI but I am too scared to know the results. I know there have been changes in my back. I can feel it. Whether or not it requires surgery, that is a different matter. And I am copping out before I know the truth. I see my PCP next week and we have a lot to discuss. I doubt MRI is going to be on the agenda. It’s going to be our last meeting as he is leaving. My thigh pain seemed to have settled down, which has settled down my PTSD symptoms. But I am tired of being in pain or wondering when I am going to get hit with CES x 3. I can’t go on like this. I feel like I am on a shaky rope and someone has finally cut the other end of it. I am dangling at the edge and no one sees it or can help me get up. So I am giving up. I will fall to my death.

Hurting Really Bad

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hurting really bad

I went out to have dinner with my friend. I am paying the price because I was standing/walking too long while waiting for him. I was early and I was hot as I got stuck on a warm train so I didn’t go into the restaurant to sit and wait for him. I was at my boiling point and really wanted to take off not only my jacket but also my sweater and be just in a t-shirt. I felt funny going to that level and didn’t go there. But the pain that I am feeling right now, I don’t want to go out the rest of the week. Unfortunately I have to and that is killing me. I don’t have to go out tomorrow so I am having a rest day. I am doing two, possibly three things tomorrow: having therapy, calling my father to remind him of his appointment, and possibly call the dentist if I remember. I need a cleaning as it’s been almost two years. I hate the dentist.

Like I thought, my therapy appointment went by so fast and we talked a lot about everything that went on between last Wednesday and today. She does think I had some kind of withdrawal thing going on, though it isn’t too clear because I also didn’t eat and it could have been hypoglycemia as well. We talked about the SSD review that I am under. If she doesn’t think I should add something more to what I already wrote, then I will mail it Thursday when I am out and about again. I am not looking forward to it. I hope that my father doesn’t need a damn wheelchair because I might just run him over with it. I also need to go to his house after his medical appointment to do his fucking meds. I had a hard time filling my meds this week. I just was too depressed to fill it for the week. So I played hodgepodge. I just took what I felt like taking but I filled it before I left the house to have dinner with my friend.

I had a nice time out. It’s a shame that it ended with my ankle flaring up. Right now the pain is at an 8/9 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst pain. If it goes up a notch or two, I am going to have to take the strong pain pill again. If I do, I can kiss having a BM this week goodbye. I just will be too constipated. Hate this side effect of my pain meds. Having a BM is so painful, sometimes I just want to die because it hurts so bad. Add in being constipated and hard stools and I really want to kill myself.