Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

Mr. Misunderstood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Mr. Misunderstood

I have been feeling misunderstood and paranoid lately. Voices have been ramping up as well. I emailed my pdoc but haven’t heard back. Ten bucks says she’ll says “come in” meaning hospital. I don’t want to go to the hospital. They won’t be able to help me feel safe in my own skin. I know it’s just the stress of current events and my PCP leaving that has me stressed out. Every time I am stressed, I become psychotic. This song best reflects how I feel. I plan on getting his album next week when I get paid. I have previewed his songs on his new album and I like the tone of it. I am not a big Eric Church fan. There have been only one or two songs of his that I like. Springsteen is one of them. I forget the name of the other one I like. Something to do with hometowns.

I woke up at 0130 this morning after going to bed around 2000. I took a shower. It was the first time taking a shower since my mother cleaned it and I slipped a few times. I think that is why my ankle is hurting me. I have to fix the laces of my sneakers to the “loop” method that my physiatrist did. My foot kept slipping and I think that is why it is hurting. I also need to get another ace brace as the one I had is missing. It also is too tight because my foot is so swollen. I think that will help. I need to do something to try and keep it stable. I have been bad wearing it, which is why the thing is missing. I know it’s in my room, hiding under something. When I am not looking for it, it will emerge.

I am very tired. I had two caffeinated drinks today, a coffee and a mocha. It’s not helping the tired feeling. I think I am getting a migraine. I have been feeling nauseous the past hour and had a low level headache for most of the day. My vision keeps cutting out on me every so often so I know something is brewing. I wish I could sleep for hours and hours. It’s so painful to be awake these days, either physically or mentally. I really feel out of sorts when I don’t sleep. It makes everything worse, the depression, the voices, the paranoia. I only feel safe if I am in my house. Today, while on the bus ride home, I know the woman next to me was reading my thoughts and cursing me because I was sitting next to her. The bus was crowded and I had to sit. I can’t stand because of my ankle. She doesn’t know this. She just thinks I am fine, like everybody else. I don’t walk with a limp or give any indication that I am disabled. It just sucks that I am treated this way, even if it was the voices saying all this stuff. I bumped into this lady before. She is a high-strung person. Very anxious and pushy. She makes me nervous just being around her. I guess that is why I felt all paranoid around her. But I also felt like every person was staring at me on the bus. I hate crowded buses.

If I have to go in the hospital, which will only be if the voices get worse, I will try to wait till after Thanksgiving, even though the holiday is causing me a little bit of stress. We only have one working stove in the house because my sister’s kitchen is being renovated. Going to be interesting to see what gets cooked and what doesn’t. I doubt my brother in law is going to make his gravy. It sucks anyways but you can’t tell him that. He thinks his cooking is superb, just like my father. Unlike my father, he works his ass off to provide for his family.

Talked with my therapist today about one of the blogs I wrote. It was hard to tell if she was concerned or not. I don’t think she believed me, like the rest of the blog world. I guess that is why I am feeling most misunderstood. If she doesn’t believe me, I don’t know if I can trust her. She kept asking me if I was taking my medication. I am, said it over and over. Then she wanted me to add some meds and I was against that. She asked if I sent the blog to my pdoc and I told her I did but she didn’t respond like I knew she wouldn’t. Maybe she hasn’t read it yet. I never know. I wish I had read receipts for email but I don’t. I used to when I had work email. I sometimes miss the perks of working at an academic hospital.

Today was the first day that things were normal and not strained between my therapist and I. She did bring up getting an adjunct therapist but I told her I really don’t think it will work out. I would seriously need a solid referral to someone that is taking new patients and will be able to deal with my difficulties, as well as take my insurance. I still don’t know how that will work out. I really would love to have sessions with the suicidal consultant I was seeing when I had good insurance. Now he doesn’t take my current insurance so I am screwed. I hate the new insurance but the hospital went with PPOs and I had no choice but to take it. The other plans offered my therapist didn’t take and I didn’t want to get stuck having to get a referral for all the doctors that I see.

I am going to try and go to Stop and Shop tomorrow but it depends on my ankle. Might have to wait things out with the paranoia as well. I hate the feeling of being watched all the time. It sucks.

Another tiring day of Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another tiring day of pain

I woke up late today because I went to bed after 0100. I am glad I didn’t stay up till 0200 because that usually means I am up all night. But I slept good and till 0830. I think it was the first time I slept so soundly. I did wake up wanting coffee. I was hoping it would keep me awake but soon after I finished it, I was so damn tired. My ankle was also hurting me so I decided to take some pain meds. I stayed up only long enough to watch the first half of the OSU game. Then it was beddy bye time. I put my phone on vibrate and fell asleep. It was a good nap but now I feel like I can go back to sleep. I might just do that. Being in pain just wears you out.

I had a dream that I went back to the hospital where I worked. I had to go to the bathroom really bad but the first bathroom that I entered was out of order. There were leaks everywhere. I called maintenance before I tried to find another bathroom on the floor. I did and then I went to have supper with my mother. There was a ton of barbequed food on the table, ribs, chicken, pork. Some in one kind of barbeque sauce or another. As I started filling my plate, I woke up. No food for me. I did have to go to the bathroom really bad when I woke up so I went. As I went downstairs my mother told me she made pasta with sauce. I didn’t feel like having that. My stomach is feeling full. I wish I had the BBQ’d stuff, but that was just a dream.

I read this morning, “American Gods”. There is a lot of sex in this book. It should have come with a warning that it was very adult material. I am moving along in the book. Out of 500 pages, I just passed 200. It’s an interesting story but you still don’t know where you are going to end up. There is some kind of god war going on and so these people that have lived for hundreds of years are getting killed. The part I just read was about a mortuary brothers. One of the brothers did a form of autopsy. As he was doing so, he would cut slices of the liver, heart and other organs and then eat them. I shuddered. Gaiman is a very compelling writer. You don’t know what to expect when you are reading this book. They will be making this book a movie. I just hope they don’t show the part I just described. It will be too weird.

I told my psych that my PCP is leaving. She is sorry about it. She asked who was taking over and I gave her the name I was given. Maybe she can email her and break the ice for me so I don’t have to. We’ll see. Monday I have to call my repro endo doc to get more of the hormone pill as I ran out of refills. It’s been more than a year since I saw her and I hope I don’t have to see her again. She makes me nervous because she is nervous. I hate having to see her but I can’t get the pill from my PCP because the pill is to stop my periods and he isn’t familiar with that. I realized the pill isn’t even on my list of medications. I don’t know if it ever was on my list. Seems like every time I see a doc the list gets shorter or longer without my knowledge.

Tomorrow is my sister’s birthday. She will be celebrating it at the casinos. She asked if I wanted to come and I told her no. Can’t play if you have no money. I haven’t been to the casinos in a very long time. I think the last time I went was when my therapist told me she was pregnant and that was more than ten years ago. I don’t stay long. I drive down the two hours it takes to get here and then have my fun. When the money runs out, I leave. One time I went there and I won a significant amount on my first try. I wasn’t there for more than twenty minutes. I turned around and went home. I didn’t want to lose what I had won.

I have lots to tell my therapist. I just hope I have enough time to tell her. I texted her the majority of what I want to talk about. The big thing is going to be losing my PCP. That was so unexpected. The only good news is that I don’t have to transfer my medical records as it is the same practice I am seeing the new doctor. I hope the new doctor has a schedule I can fit into. It will suck if every month I have to be squeezed in because I am being accommodated. These are just some of the worries that I have. And I won’t know more until I see my PCP next month to get more information on how my pain management is going to go. That is my biggest worry right now.

Doc’s Rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Doc’s Rant

I received a letter today from my doctor’s office. Apparently, he is leaving the practice. I have worked with this guy for more than ten years. Now I got to work with someone I have never met. She is only interim until they find a replacement for my doc, but still, I have to work with someone new in dealing with my pain issues. I hope that she doesn’t give me a hard time about my pain meds and that I don’t have to have a three day supply because she is a “new” doc. My state just passed a law that all new patients on pain meds must have a three day supply of meds before becoming established. If that is the case, I am fucking screwed. I can’t survive a month on three days worth of pills. It’s not like I am technically a new patient as she is in the same practice as my doc but I will be new to her. I don’t know how this is going to work and it’s giving me tremendous anxiety. I feel like I should have killed myself last month so I didn’t have to deal with this bullshit.

I think I am going to have to make an appointment to see him anyways because my left eyelid is extremely itchy and dry. I feel like tearing it off, though I might just scratch it off. I don’t know if it’s dry because I have dry eyes or because I am chronically dehydrated. I know I am dehydrated because my pee is orange all the time. I just don’t drink a lot because I am afraid of peeing myself. I will usually have my 16 ounce coffee and then a 16 ounce drink, usually iced tea or lemonade with lunch/dinner and that will be all that I drink for the day. I might have more if I am thirsty but I never really get thirsty unless I am active. I will have sips of powerade when I take my meds. My night meds I tend to drink at least 4 ounces just to make sure I wash those suckers down. One of the pills I take is the size of a penny and I always have difficulty swallowing it so I always make sure to drink a lot to make sure it goes down. It’s usually the first pill I take so the others follow. I have a weird system of taking my meds but it works for me.

I don’t know what I am going to do with this new doctor. She doesn’t know me and I don’t know her. I tried looking her up on the practice’s website and of course, there is no information at all. I know she has been around the practice for a while because I have been at the hospital a long time before becoming disabled. I just never had her as a covering doc before, even if my doc wasn’t available. I usually got someone else in the practice. I like my doc because he is a good doc. He cares. Now I don’t know what I am going to do. If I don’t get my meds, they might as well sign my death certificate. I will die by suicide. The pain will just be too much like it has been tonight. I should be knocked out but the pain is still keeping me up. I can take another dose of meds in about an hour. I hated that I missed out on my sister’s party.

Someone gave my crazy cousin my number. She immediately asked if I had meds. That is one reason why I don’t keep in contact with her. She is looking for meds all the time, either to take or to sell. I can’t be associated with her. She is so pathological it’s not funny. I especially don’t like her because I told her about my voices and she made fun of me with her boyfriend one time. She is a jerk and always wanting attention. I hope she never calls me. I won’t answer the phone, now that I have her number. Just pisses me off because she used to be my favorite cousin and now she is scum. I am glad I didn’t have to deal with my father tonight. He is the last person I wanted to see today. I had enough of him yesterday.

My new favorite song is by Eric Church, Mr. Misunderstood. It is so fitting because I always feel like I am misunderstood. I even changed my Twitter name to the name of the song. I just hope the new doc understands chronic pain and is understanding. Otherwise, we are going to have problems. I really don’t want to have problems. It will just send me into a tailspin of depression. I am so nervous about seeing this woman. I haven’t had a woman PCP in years, not that gender matters. But the thing is, I just told my doc that I am transgender and that took a lot for me to tell him because I have been keeping it from him for at least three years now. And then he leaves? How am I supposed to process this??

In a Lot of Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

In a lot of pain

Pain started late last night. It was mostly nerve pain so I took some Gabapentin to ease it. Then just a little while ago, I started getting zaps and my pain shot up, again. I haven’t done much today except going up and down the stairs to check for mail and make something to eat. I was planning on getting ready for my sister’s party but I am in too much pain to walk down the block.

But all of this pales in comparison to what is going on in Paris right now. I feel bad that there are hostages and people are being killed. A football (soccer) match was disrupted due to explosions. The story keeps changing so I am not sure what is going on. There have been separate attacks in at least three locations. Then there was another shooting going on somewhere else. It’s pretty scary. No one knows if all these events are related or not. Chances are they are. It’s too much of a coincidence for it not to be.

One of my Twitter buddies nailed it when he said the world stops when a western country gets hit when there are attacks while other countries are ignored. He is right. The news reports what it wants to report and it’s sad. Places get bombed every day but you don’t hear about it in the news or if you do, it’s a blurb in a news article. There are civilian attacks in Syria and Israel/Palestine every day but they don’t get noticed. The world doesn’t stop, it just keeps moving. But then you have the City of Light and everything slows down. I am not trying to make light of the situation. Just saying people die every day from senseless attacks and it doesn’t get reported or viewed as breaking news. I hope the hostages are freed without injury and there are no more killings, in any country that has turmoil.