Tag: depression
Having a Crappy Day, Literally
Having a Crappy Day, Literally
I woke up early this morning in pain. I took some pain meds and when I went downstairs to have my nutritious donuts, my brother in law came up with some dishes to be washed. He and my sister are renovating their kitchen and don’t have a sink to use right now. He told me my mother would be watching my niece as she didn’t have school today. Weird because they don’t have school on Monday either because of the holiday. So the kids have one long weekend. Anyways, my mother wasn’t up yet so I said I would watch her until her grandmother came and got her. While I got settled in the kitchen debating on making a burrito, my mother came downstairs and so freed me from having to babysit. HA! I knew I would be toast anyways as I took my pain meds and within an hour, I was. I didn’t sleep very good as I had weird dreams and then my mother screamed my name and scared me to death. Someone was at the door and she couldn’t go down because she hurt her other knee. So I get up and go down the two flights of stairs to someone that isn’t there. My niece had answered the door. Why the fuck she didn’t tell my mother she did is beyond me. I was so pissed I got up for nothing. So I go back up the two flights of stairs and my ankle decides it doesn’t like it so I am in pain again. I take another pain pill and go back to sleep.
I got up around noon or shortly there after. I had to go to the bathroom so I did. And then killed some time before getting dressed and catching the bus to the Square for coffee. I was planning to check out the price of chicken wings so I can make them tomorrow night or Sunday. I got to the Square and did my routine of having coffee and writing in my journal. I then went to the meat shop to check on the price of chicken wings. They only had small packages. I would need at least three or four to make the quantity I needed for the recipe and I didn’t want to spend that much on it so headed back to the bus stop to catch the bus. I then decided to go to Stop and Shop to pick up my prescription and get the rest of the ingredients needed for the recipe. Soon as I was approaching my stop to get off, it downpoured. So I didn’t want to walk in the rain as I didn’t have an umbrella. I knew it was going to rain today but thought I could beat it out. I was so close. So no chicken wings today. I will have to go tomorrow if the weather permits or if my sister or brother in law takes me. I would take either of their cars but I can’t drive them. They are big SUVs and I just don’t trust my peripheral vision to drive them.
So rather than wait in the rain for the next bus, I got off at the station to go home. I didn’t think anything was wrong. I got stuck in the down pour at the station and got pretty wet. Luckily, the bus came before I got soaked. And the bus had the AC on so it was pretty damn cold on the ride home. I just got to my house when it down poured again. I couldn’t win staying dry. Got in the house, changed and then felt like I had to go to the bathroom again. As I got up, I felt sticky and panicked. I didn’t pass any gas or anything while I was out so I was hoping it was something other than what I thought it was. I was wrong. I crapped my pants and didn’t realize it. That just made my day. On the anniversary of my CES diagnosis, I crap my pants. Just fucking wonderful. I really was pissed. I don’t know how long that crap was in my pants. I had no sensation of it until I came home. It’s possible I went while I was undressing. I don’t fucking know. I just know that it sucks. I feel ashamed of myself. I hate my therapist for keeping me here. I could die right now from embarrassment. Sure getting soaked by the rain is one thing but crapping your pants is another. I hate this condition. I should have killed myself 10 years ago so I wouldn’t have to be dealing with this today or any day.
Quote of the day Oct 8th, 2015
“Never kill yourself while you are suicidal. You can, if you must, think about suicide as much as your wishes and let the thoughts of suicide –the possibility that you could do it- carry you through the dark night. Night after night. Day after day, until the thoughts of self-destruction runs its course and a fresh view of your own frustrated needs comes into clearer form in your mind and you can, at last, pursue the realistic aspects, however dire, of your natural life”. –Edwin Shneidman, Suicidal Mind, p166
Donuts kind of day
Donuts kind of day
This morning I did an errand for my sister and then went to deal with my father. He wanted me to buy him his bread so I got that for him. I also had to pick up his prescription he neglected to pick up during the week. My ankle is just killing me. All I had to eat today was junk food, donuts in particular. My sister had these apple cider ones she got from some apple farm she went to over the weekend. They were scrumptious. I had one and half. I would have finished them off, but I didn’t want to be too greedy. So I bought some more donuts on the way home from my father. I think that is all I am going to eat today and fuck the consequences. I might have French bread pizza for supper, too. I really want a steak and cheese but I think I will have that tomorrow.
I don’t know why I am sort of just concentrating on one type of junk food today. I’m still depressed and still have no idea what I am going to do about therapy. I doubt I will be able to find someone in my area. And the idea of starting new after almost 15 years doesn’t appeal to me. It’s just so damn frustrating to deal with someone that has an anxiety disorder while trying to treat you. She is just so dense sometimes. It pisses me off. And the fact that I want to kill myself just sends her in an uproar every time. She doesn’t hear me after I tell her that. So then I am alone with my thoughts so why should I continue with therapy? Every therapist I have ever known doesn’t know how to deal with a suicidal person. They just think they should be in the hospital if they aren’t safe and that is that. Well the hospital doesn’t care anymore, either. I spent three weeks in the hospital last year and none of my issues were talked about or dealt with. Three damn weeks. Every time I did bring it up, they said we’ll deal with this tomorrow and left me there hanging. It just got frustrating after a while. The only people that really wanted to listen to you were the staff members and nurses. Some of them anyway. If you happened to get a good staff member, it was a good day. Got a staff that was so so or thought they knew everything, it was tough. I am just frustrated by the system.
I am very tired of trying to seek out help and just not getting it. I am at a “why bother” phase. I don’t know why I bother to try and continue with a therapist that talks too much all the time. Or why I see my psychiatrist who doesn’t have any new medicines to try me on because there is nothing more left to try. She listens to me and does offer support. I wish sometimes she could be my therapist but it doesn’t work that way. She is strictly meds and a little more. That is all. I wonder what it would be like just seeing my psych and not seeing a therapist. But I don’t think I can go just every two weeks without talking with someone. That is a long time to go without speaking to someone. I just don’t think I could do that.
I was talking with a long time friend last night about my laptop issues. He sent me to the Dell website with updates for my video drivers. I thought it worked as I was able to move the lid without video problems. But today when I turned on my laptop, it wouldn’t and when I moved the lid, the screen got all fuzzy. CRAP. Now I will have to take it to him or another computer place to deal with the issue. He thinks a wire is loose and is causing the problem. I wish I could just take the damn thing apart and fix it but I haven’t a clue what to do or how to do it. Maybe if this suicidal phase passes and I am still alive, I will deal. Until then, it’s moving the lid until the picture settles.
My father was very affectionate today, which is unusual. He never gave me a hug before in my adult life. Today he did. Weird. He also was very grateful that I do the things for him. Again, strange as I have been doing this for him for at least a year now and he never seemed to be grateful. It was just weird.
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