Tag: depression

difference is hormones

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders, suicide attempt, transgender

*****WARNING MIGHT BE TRIGGERING*******

I was listening to some old songs tonight and it got me into a depressive funk. I then started to think of why I am depressed as I had no real reason to be. I started mindlessly picking at my chin. Then I realized I shaved off my goatee yesterday. I think a bit of my “manhood” went with it because my mother yelled at me to shave it off. She is never going to be accepting of the transgender identity I have. I guess that is why I feel so depressed and suicidal. I feel no one understands me. My sisters didn’t say anything about the goatee I was wearing in support of my baseball team. My father had nothing to say. Not even my soon to be 90 year old Aunt/Godmother said anything when I saw her in the hospital a few weeks ago.

The reality is that I am a female, not a male like my brain and my feelings think I am. It makes me sick. Really it does. I should be in the grave by now. They always say that transgendered are the most likely to kill themselves. I don’t know why I just don’t go downstairs and get the rope. End it sometime after this week. I can play with the knots and length of rope I will need. I never intended to kill myself at my own house but hotels are too expensive and I don’t have a credit card anymore. I couldn’t get one unless I was paying THEM to get it.

I don’t know why I keep struggling to hold on. Even now I am just saying one more day to get through, just one more day. I don’t want one more day. I want to be dead NOW. Sure there are people I can talk to about this stuff, not. No one understands what I am going through. I don’t even understand what I am going through so how is anyone else? Yet tomorrow I am supposed to put on a happy face and see my family for my Aunt’s 90th birthday celebration and pretend that nothing is wrong with my life. I feel like my whole life is just a poser, an imposter of some sort. I have the façade of someone else all the time. But who that is, I don’t know. But don’t we all at one point have different sides of self? But this isn’t a side of me. This is the whole me that wants to die because I can’t be a male. I was looking at a photo of my Mexican friend with his little Mexican mustache and I was so jealous. Jealous because he can grow facial hair better than I ever could. And the difference is hormones. I have been contemplating getting supplements that boost testosterone. Only problem is that I am afraid it might also kill my liver or some other important organ. I know someone that gets hormones through a gym but I am not the type to do anything illegal. I don’t even know if I could “shoot” up the stuff in the first place. But I am getting far a field with these ideas.

The way I see it I have two choices: die or become a male. And frankly, dying seem a hell of a lot easier.

essay written in 2004

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

It all depends on the individual. The person has to admit they have a problem before treatment is going to sink in. It’s one of the hardest things to do is admit that you have a problem and are powerless to not give in to your impulse. I have done this many times when I feel suicidal. I know it’s not the same as narcotics, ETOH, or even nicotine, but there was a time that it was just as bad as any drug could be. AA helped to deal with it, I can’t explain how; it just did once I admitted to myself that one day I would die by my own hand. No amount of therapy or hospitalizations was going to help if I really wanted to die and no one could stop me if I absolutely wanted to. It’s a choice that I have struggled with for years and will continue to, but once I decided that I have to be here for my kids, it was either commit suicide or have them bear the pain of hurting them or to be there for them when they really need me. I chose to be there for them and even though at times it kills me to struggle through another depressive episode, I have to remind myself that the love that I have for them and them for me is greater than any pain the suicidal impulse has. I was read that it only takes ten minutes to kill yourself and if you wait those minutes out, chances are you will survive. It’s not easy, but once you make up your mind to do it or not, the choice is still yours. I have taken this approach to many things and it’s always work for me.
1-Feb-04
Depression wise, I can’t even begin to think about it. I have been working with my therapist about my past relationships. Until I got slammed with insomnia, pain, and another bout of depression. I told her Thursday that each episode is like the first time, you forget that you got past the last one. You know you did, don’t know how but you did and then you get stuck with another one and you think that you can’t go through it again or why bother. Yet I fucking do and I have no idea why. Actually that is not true. My nephew and my nieces are my reason. Sometimes I don’t think it’s enough and they would be better off. God, I have no idea when this nightmare will ever end. I was doing some research and there is a suicidal place in NY that studies post mortem suicides. Hell, if it would help, I would donate some brain samples today if it would end this feeling of wanting to end my life forever. Twenty years I have been struggling with this bullshit. Wasn’t easy coming up for air and it wasn’t easy asking for help but some how I beat the odds. There was a time that I thought there was a day that I knew I was going to end my life by my own hand. I no longer think I can do that, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like wanting to. Human behavior is a funny thing. If it’s one thing that I learned is that no matter how much you study something, something unexpected happens.

February 4, 2004
I am again thinking that this is a struggle that I don’t think I can do again. Right now I feel so hopeless and worthless. I am thinking of going to the ER and talk with someone but what would be the point of that.

music and birthdays

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide

Today I started out editing my book. Boo. By the time I got to the end of some paragraph on page 100 and something, I was toast. I did edit the end of the blog so now I am down to 148 pages. Now I just have to work on the ending to make it more than a paragraph. OI.

My Brother in law’s mother came over today and wanted some country music so I made her some CDs that I had collected over the years. Just some mixed CDs of country artists. It took longer than I was expecting as my CD burner took forever. Three hours later I had about a dozen CDs put together from Taylor Swift to Luke Bryan. I also found a CD I haven’t listened to since I made it in 2002! I think I made it for work to listen to as it has some of Martina McBride to Mongomery Gentry to Coldplay. My taste in music is always varying. I can go to listening to Pearl Jam to listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter (country folk music for those that have not heard her in a long while!) It also brought back memories of the CDs I made to my therapist before she had a child. I would share the music I was listening to at the time because music has such a deep impact on my mood. I would share the music to let her know how the lyrics moved me. I would spend hours setting up the playlist just right before burning the music onto a CD. Some times the music went deeper than my moods. I felt like it had a relationship component to my therapist and I. Like the song “You had me at hello” by Kenny Chesney is the perfect song of our relationship. I would have the video in this blog but I don’t know how to do that. I am not that technologically advanced!

My mood has been all over the place the last few days. I still want to be dead. I am dreading tomorrow visiting my Godmother. It is her birthday and I always feel funny visiting. Tomorrow is her 90th birthday. I know that she doesn’t have that many birthdays left so I want to share as many of them as I possibly can. It’s hard going over there because I miss her husband so much. He was my favorite uncle. And I don’t want to say something stupid like, “where is Uncle Sam”? He was always very good to me.
November is birthday month for me. I have so many birthday I swear my family picked every day just to mess with me. My sister starts on the 3rd. My Godparents are the 11th and 13th, and my other sister is the 15th. I also have friends and more family members but I always mess up the dates. I am usually a day early or a day late.

My godfather is no longer with us and it is still painful. I miss him so much it hurts. He passed away almost two years ago, suddenly from I believe a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in the lung). Since his death, I have hated November. We used to celebrate my godparents’ birthday’s together because their dates were so close. It just makes me sad remembering him. He too was a good guy that had more trust in me that I know what to day with. He always thought about me and even as he was losing his memory and it was harder to have conversations, I knew he knew who I was. He also suffered from Alzheimer’s. It runs on both sides of my family. Another reason to put a nail in my coffin. I know that by the time I get it they might have better treatments available but I doubt they will have better treatments for depression by then. Like my friend was telling me, they can put a man on the moon but they can’t find a treatment for treatment resistant depression. It sucks.

nerve pain sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, suicide

I woke up this morning and it felt like my little toe on my nerve damaged foot was cutting into my other toe next to it. It was really hurting but I just cut the nail so I knew it couldn’t be the cause. I was feeling kind of crummy and decided to shave my goatie off as it was annoying me and then take a shower. Whatever was causing my toe to hurt, was worse when my foot hit the water. As much as the shower felt good to the rest of my body, my toe hates me now. I asked my mother to look at the toe as I can’t bend down to see it nor have the agility to look at the stupid thing thanks to four back surgeries. She said that it looks like I have a blister forming or a corn. Great. Now I just have to wait and see what forms and what kind of pain I will be in over the next couple of days.

I hate having nerve damage. My toes are extremely sensitive because of the after effects due to Cauda Equina Syndrome. I got this syndrome more than ten years ago and I am still dealing with it. I hate waking up in pain or staying up in pain almost every single night. The doctors have nothing to do for me. I just take pain meds and hope for the best.

I really am tired of dealing with the nerve pain. Everything intensifies when I try to touch my toes. Cutting my toenails are the worse. I have to wait till the nerve pain is down to a minimum in order to get a hold of my foot to do the deed.

This leaves me very depressed. I miss my old self where I could do the things normal people take for granted. Like taking a long hot shower, taking a long walk, or just standing for more than ten minutes. I have since my original diagnosis have another painful diagnosis of CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. This is fun (said with severe sarcasm). My toes and foot become as cold as ice and then when they warm up, I am in such severe pain all I can do is think about death.
Not only is physical pain exhausting it drags you down mentally. You feel like you are a loser because you can no longer do the things you once were able to do.

I hope my pain is not going to be exhausting tonight. I am hoping to catch a nap now as I am overcome with exhaustion just from taking a shower. I hate when that happens.